As many of us that are left-leaning have learned, trying to have a reasonable political discussion with a staunch conservative is an exercise in futility. You can come equipped with with all the facts, statistics, and Paul Krugman quotes you like, but unless you have video footage that clearly shows the president kicking in the teeth of little old ladies as his mother looks on, laughing, they will not budge. Even that isn't a safe bet. ("Those ladies posed a grave and gathering threat to the freedom that you and I hold dear...") In light of this, I have altered my approach. Rather than mount a logical offensive from the left, I have decided to out-crazy them from the right.

Let's take an issue like gay marriage. No matter how you slice it, this issue boils down to fear. For conservative men it has nothing to do with the marriage part. It is merely a fear that gay men exist at all. More specifically, it is a fear that one of these gay men may end up next to them at a urinal and might just try to grab their noodle. As for women, well, I don't think women are all that concerned about it. We know that all women are lesbians deep down anyway, right guys? So, when the topic comes up, I would argue that, not only should gay marriage be forbidden, but all gay men should be required by law to be implanted with a flashing LED indicator light on either side of their necks, clearly visible at all times. This way, you can always leave a buffer urinal in between, or better yet, just use a stall.

Now, I'm not sure if this does anything to advance the debate, but it sounds like a lot more fun than beating your head against the wall trying to convince some wingnut that Dubya isn't the second coming of Christ. Plus, if the person agrees with what you're saying, its just another opportunity to up the ante. Maybe say that flag-burning should be punishable by death or that illegal aliens be used to test bulletproof body armor. See just how committed they are!

1 comment:

Peter Patau said...

But what if the conservatives are hiding in your computer? Honest. Neocons are haunting my computer.What can I do? Do I have to destroy the computer?