How sad...

There is nothing quite as sad as a lonely phone.
Won't you consider spending some time with it?

I've actually been here. This phone is in the middle of fucking nowhere along Route 50 ("The loneliest road in the U.S.") in Nevada. I stopped here during my cross country bike ride. A lot of the other guys on the trip made calls from it because they thought it was funny. I didn't make a call. I figured any call I'd have made would've gone like this:

Call recipient: Hello?
Me: Hey. How's it going?
Call recipient: Who is this?
Me: It's Chris.
Call recipient: Oh, hey Chris. Can I call you back? I'm on the other line.
Me: That's fine. I'll talk to you later.

Guess What The Company That Owns This Building Makes...

Answer: Dildos.

Why I Don't Eat Honey...

Isn't it basically just glorified bee poo?

Or maybe it's bee puke. That's not much better.



I find it interesting that I have a semi-daily dialogue with many of you, yet have no idea what some of you look like. Here is a list of the people on my blogroll I don't think I've ever seen a picture of. This is in no way a request for pictures. I respect the fact that some of you want to remain anonymous. Plus, I kind of like the mystery:

Big Orange
Jen @ Casual Slack
Zed (anyone heard from her lately?)
Nobody @ My Blog Is About Nothing
Hootch & Cootch
Dick Small

Until I have proof, I'll just assume you all look like this, okay?

3-D Architecture...

I can remember when I first moved up here ten years ago, I was still drawing everything with a pencil. Now I can do stuff like this. This is a mock-up I did for what my own house might one day look like. I even found jpegs of the posters I have on my walls and superimposed them into the model. It's so much easier now to show clients what their home will look like.


I'll Give You $5...

I don't suppose any of you have any bunion stories you'd like to sell me.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due...

Usually when I do a post like this, it's to gripe about some product not living up to its promises. In this case, I am prepared to offer praise.

The Ziploc bags with the Double Zipper Seal are a vast improvement over the ones with the single zipper. You can really get a sense that the fucker's closed. With the old ones, I'd always have to check to make sure, which wasted tons of my valuable time.

Don't get me started on the whole "yellow and blue make green" debacle. What a sham!

The Biggest Nerd I Ever Knew...

And for those smart alecks out there, no, it's not me.

There was this kid I went to junior high with that was the personification of the word "nerd". Let me start by coming clean. I'm sure there were plenty of times I was guilty of tormenting this poor kid. I like to think that, knowing what I know now, I'd be a little more sympathetic, but I was in junior high and junior high kids are fucking cruel. However, he did bring a lot of it on himself.

First of all, he had all the textbook signs and symptoms of a nerd. He wore uncool clothes (probably Garanimals) and shoes. He neither washed nor combed his hair. He walked funny and he sucked at sports. His mom used to drop him off by the bike racks each day right in front of the gathered masses of pre-pubescent vultures ready to give him his daily dose of early morning shit. Looking back, I'm impressed that he had the fortitude not to resort to a Columbine-style rampage.

There were two things he did that elevated him above just your run-of-the-mill nerds. One was that he wrote love letters to a handful of the most popular girls in our class. In them, he described how he had fantasies about them. Big mistake. The notes instantly became public and he had nowhere to run.

The other thing he did that really baffled me was what he did in the gym locker room. At the beginning of the school year, you had to purchase a gym uniform. The guy's uniform included a jockstrap. None of us ever wore it except him. What he would do, in order to never be completely naked, was put the jock on over his underwear and then stretch the legholes of the briefs down around his ankles. It required a lot of coordination and a lot of extra time - enough time that the rest of us noticed and gathered around him in a chorus of taunts. He did this every day.

Given my disdain for bullies, it saddens me that I didn't have the balls to stick up for this kid, or at least give him some tips on how to fly under the radar. I guess I was too nervous that one wrong step and I'd be exposed for the nerd that I was, too. That's how I remember junior high - living in fear. The best bet was to keep a low profile. One moment everything could be fine, but one embarassing fuck-up and you'd be eating lunch by yourself for the rest of the year.

By the way, doing an image search for "jockstrap" is not something I intend to do again any time soon.


You Call It A Birdie...

I call it a shuttlecock.

I mean, given the option, what the fuck do you THINK I'd call it!?

On The Subject Of Names...

I wonder if former tennis bad boy Ilie Nastase and Rastafari messiah Haile Selassie ever met.

Bebe Rebozo...

I don't care if he was chummy with Nixon.

The guy's got a cool-sounding name.

Baseball Cliches...

As I've written before, I used to play a shitload of baseball growing up, both organized and informal. I remember playing from dawn til dusk on many occasions. I even used to play a two-on-two version with a pitcher and an outfielder. It involved "pitcher's hands" (you're out if the pitcher had the ball before you got to first) and invisible men on base. I can remember the goofy shit we'd say when people were up. They include:
  • Hit it where they ain't!
  • Give it a ride!
  • Show 'em where you live! (which didn't make sense, for instance, if you lived somewhere in the direction of foul territory).
  • See it and hit it!
  • Keep your eye on the ball!
  • Just like batting practice!
  • Pick your pitch!
  • Good eye!
  • A hit's a run! (if there were men in scoring position)
  • Just make contact!
  • Alright, Joe! Start us off! (to a lead-off hitter)
  • C'mon, Bill! Li'l bingo!
  • A walk's as good as a hit!
  • For the love of god, Lester! Don't strike out again!


Now I Know Why My Recent Posts Have Sucked So Bad...

I shaved my beard.

It was the source of my blogging power.

I Hope I Didn't Frighten Anyone With That Last Post...

The fact is, I don't really have a barbed wire tattoo. I was stuck for something to blog about. I thought to myself, "What makes today different from most days?" I noticed I was wearing a short sleeve shirt for the first time since last fall. The post just sort of grew organically from there.

I'm really a big ol' pussycat - non-threatening in every possible way.

Except when it comes to playing Euchre. I go for the fucking throat and don't take prisoners, so look the fuck out. I'm serious, asswipe...

Tough Guy...

It's actually warm enough to wear a short sleeve shirt today.

Of course, that means that everyone gets a good look at my bitchin' barbed wire tattoo. It lets people know I mean business and don't take shit from anyone. In other words, I don't fuck around.

You got a fuckin' problem with that?

I didn't think so.


Documentary Film Of The Day - Street Fight...

If you like political theater, you will like this movie. It deals with the Newark, NJ mayoral race between Cory Booker, an idealistic newcomer, and Sharpe James, the charismatic incumbent. This movie has it all: dirty tricks, intimidation, lies, and smears - everything we've come to expect from American politics, but on a very local scale. I highly recommend this one. You can read more about it HERE.


Say It Ain't So, Mo!...

'Brady' Star Reveals Bout With Cocaine, Bulimia
McCormick Says Problems Started At 17

The actress who played Marcia Brady on the classic television sitcom "The Brady Bunch" is revealing some serious issues from her past. Maureen McCormick told People magazine that she used to snort cocaine and suffer from bulimia. McCormick, 50, said that the eating disorder came first, when she went back to public school when she was 17. Then a boyfriend introduced her to cocaine. McCormick said it became clear she has an "addictive personality." After several relapses, McCormick said she cleaned up through therapy and faith. (original article)



My business is weird. Unlike most people, I don't get a regular paycheck every other week or twice a month. I used to when I worked for firms. Now that I work for myself, I get paid in lump sums every so often. Today happens to be one of those days. I need ideas for what to blow my wad on. Here's my list so far:
  • a birdfeeder
  • crack
  • bird seed
  • Liquid-Plumr
Anyone have any suggestions?

Common Thievery...

Whatchoo talkin' bout, Dr. Theopolis?

I totally blog-jacked this from my buddy Don's MySpace page. I hope he doesn't mind. It cracks me up!


There really isn't any point to this post.

I was just sick of seeing Tony Snow's punk-ass face.

Anyway, wouldn't you rather look at a
frightened man wearing a diaper?


Smugness Is Not A Good Quality...

Hey! Tony Snow!

Blow me!

Nobody's buying your pathetic explanation for why there should be no subpoenas, no oaths, and no transcripts.

That dog won't hunt anymore, you condescending prick.

Alf Dialogue That, Unfortunately, Never Was...

"Hey Willie! I had sex with your daughter and took a dump on the cat! Ha!"

Rest In Peace...


Shit You Never Hear...

Man, I can't WAIT until we move to North Dakota!

Caving In...

Last night I was talking to Megan. She feels that there is too much gross content on my blog. While I suspect the "female crotch" line in the previous post may have had something to do with it, I have no proof. She wondered why I couldn't do more posts about my cat or post about cuddly puppies or something. As far as male bloggers go, I think I post plenty of cat stuff - more than enough.

But, hey, I'm willing to compromise. I don't mind doing a cute puppy post every now and then. Besides, if it makes her happy, it makes ME happy. Please don't misconstrue this and think Megan is now calling the shots and that I've become a spineless lump, granting her every request. I just think everyone could benefit from a few cute puppy pics every now and then. Here you go, honey. Enjoy!


Another Kick-Ass Invention...

Scented Duct Tape

I don't need to belabor the fact that duct tape is useful for any number of things. We all know it. I know when I need to buy more, I grab the first roll I see at the hardware store, assuming they're all pretty much the same. However, for a few cents more, I'd buy scented duct tape.

I learned from my duvet cover post that it's probably an uphill battle trying to get men excited about buying bedding. I don't think I'll have the same struggle with scented duct tape. The trick is to come up with the fragrances men will appreciate. Here are a few to consider:
  • Bacon (obviously)
  • WD-40
  • Beer
  • Sawdust
  • Polyurethane (Satin or High Gloss)
  • Mown grass
  • Bourbon
  • Pistachio
  • Female crotch
Now, you're probably wondering, "Did I read that right? I can't believe it! Did he REALLY say pistachio? Pistachios don't really have a smell, do they?"

Maybe not, but fuck, it's just a goofy blog post. Nothing to get worked up about.


All day I've been having these sneezing false alarms.

I'll feel it coming on, tilt my head back, mouth agape, and raise my hand to block it.

Then, nothing...

It's fucking frustrating.

Wah Wah Wee Wah...

I finally got this movie from Netflix and watched it yesterday. Let me start by saying, I've seen all the "Da Ali G Show" episodes and laughed my ass off. I love humor that catches people off-guard. I love humor that comes from embarassment. And, in case you haven't noticed, I LOVE humor that comes from vulgarity.

Given all this, I'm surprised I didn't like this movie more than I did. Sure, I laughed out loud at certain points, but it wasn't the gut-buster I was expecting.

Sick Day!...

Sorry I missed you all yesterday.

The "snot-monster" has once again reared its ugly head.
I'm drowning in it!


Fuck it...

I suppose I could join in the chorus that's calling for this douchebag's ouster, but what's the point? He'll only be replaced by some other douchebag.

I must admit, The Bush Administration has been successful at one thing - wearing me down.

There have been far too many times in the past where I've said to myself, "Self, you watch. This is the thing that's gonna bring these guys to their knees." Every time I've been wrong. You might say, "Well, his poll numbers are in the toilet." Big fucking deal. He's still gonna do what the fuck he wants. He has a strong enough apparatus set up to run interference for him. The other thing he has going for him is the fact that most people just don't give a fuck. I know there's a democratic congress now, but I just don't think they have the nerve to really hold people to account. I hope I'm wrong.

I mean, if people can't see through this shit by now, nothing I do or say will change that.

I'm still going to mock and deride these turdsicles at every opportunity. I'm just done trying to sell it to those who refuse to admit what a bunch of crooked fucking bitches these people are.

*Fuck count for this post=5

Animal House...

You know, this movie is just too fucking good.


Assman Update #2...

I'm pleased to report that, as of his last check-up, The Assman's glucose levels are now within the desired range. He is once again eating normally and is pretty much back to his old self. This is a pic Megan took of my twice-daily ritual. As you can see, he is unphased by the whole procedure. Thanks to everyone for your support!

Heads Up...

I know some of my readers frequent ebay.com. If any of y'all spot any of Doug Henning's old outfits for sale over there, please let me know.

I'm bored to death with my current wardrobe and I'm in the market for more sequined outfits with lots of starbursts and rainbows on them.


My Big Interview...

*Note: I'm aware that most of you don't have a clue who Eddie is or maybe haven't seen his films. You should. They are excellent. I know this is longer than my standard post, but I was jazzed to be able to have access to a filmmaker I really admire. As usual, his responses are in BOLD.

I'm really excited to have the chance to interview filmmaker Eddie Schmidt. Eddie has produced some of my favorite documentary films, including "Chain Camera"�, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated"�, and "Twist Of Faith"�, which, as I mentioned HERE, was nominated for a Best Documentary Feature Oscar in 2005. If you have not seen these films yet, I highly recommend them. Thank you, Eddie, for taking some time to answer questions. So, what did you have for dinner last night?

Pork tenderloin w/apple-walnut stuffing, baked potato, and spinach w/scallions. Yum yum.

Sorry, I'm being a dork. Seriously, "Twist Of Faith" is the incredibly powerful story of Tony Comes and his family. They are trying to cope with the sexual abuse he suffered as a kid at the hands of a Catholic priest. For me, some of the most powerful stuff was seeing Tony's interaction with his own kids, as well as when he returns to the lake house where much of the abuse occurred. You were also able to acquire police interviews with Dennis Gray, the priest in question. How were you able to obtain that footage? Do you have any further contact with the Comes and, if so, have there been any new developments with him and his family, or in regard to the Catholic Church since the release of the DVD?

The footage of Dennis Gray came from a deposition taken during what's called the discovery phase of the court cases against him, and was part of the public record of those cases.

As far as Tony goes, I'm pleased to say that he has become something of an advocate for survivors of clergy sex abuse. Both actively, speaking at functions and conventions, but passively as well - meaning that people who see the movie and recognize their own lives (or the lives of their loved ones) reach out to him for inspiration. Or simply find it in his story. It was very courageous of he and his wife Wendy to participate in the film. On a personal level, he's said that his marriage has never been better - and he credits that, as well as his renewed faith in people, coming directly from doing the documentary. The Oscar nomination was rewarding, but that kind of sentiment from the subject of your film is just as gratifying.

In case no one noticed when I posted about it HERE, Eddie was one of the co-authors of "The Finger: A Comprehensive Guide To Flipping Off"�, which includes chapters like "Tune In, Turn On, & Flip Off (How To Give The Finger)"� and "Don't Take My Picture, Asshole!". Until you check it out, you probably won't understand the following: I was saddened to learn on page 45 that Florence Henderson, TV's Carol Brady and foremost authority on "Wessonality"�, refused to pose for your book. Did she give a reason? Also, how exactly did this book come to be? (p.s.- I love that you included a Crumb cartoon on pg. 61. I love the guy with the hat & glasses who's just sort of there.)

I think the Florence Henderson thing is just a random joke - I'm not sure we asked. Since Florence was willing to play the Amish temptress in "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Amish Paradise," I'm not so sure she would have said no. Other people did turn us down though - I know we couldn't get permission to include the famous Johnny Cash photo. I'm not sure who said no, but someone did.

Crumb was incredible - our publishers reached out to him and he liked the idea and said yes. If I remember, one stipulation was that he got two copies of the book, which we were only too happy to give him. I'm a big fan of Crumb the artist, and "Crumb" the film.

In general, let me say I am proud to be one of the foremost experts in the world's most insulting gesture.

"�Chain Camera"� may be my favorite of the films you've made. For those who haven't seen it, Eddie and director Kirby Dick went to a diverse Los Angeles high school and passed out ten cameras and told the students to film their lives for a week, then pass the camera along to another student. What resulted was some pretty compelling footage. Given the massive amount of material you must've had, did you ever consider doing this as a series? In other words, was there enough to make a few completely different films or was the other student's material unusable? I'm also wondering if there are still plans to do a Michael Apted-style ten-year "reunion" film?

Yes, at one point we were in serious discussions with MTV to do a "Chain Camera" series - this would have been in 2001. We had some great outtakes, sure, but this would have been a new "chain" in another school, or several schools. Then the deal fell apart. "American High," which had been on Fox the previous summer and bombed, was coming back on PBS in the wake of our acclaimed debut at Sundance in 2001. Not coincidentally, the relaunch played up the "WE GAVE KIDS CAMERAS!" aspect, even though that was only a slight portion of their overall footage (most was crew-shot), while ours was 100% the real deal. They even used very similar tag lines to the ones I'd written for our poster. MTV saw their ads in SPIN Magazine and got cold feet. But the original film itself stands as a landmark - it predicts blogs and You Tube, in a way - and has a real cult following.

As far as a sequel, there actually has been some discussion of that, but Kirby is busy with a number of his projects and I am busy with a number of my own, so it remains to be seen whether anything could be worked out. But it could be interesting.

According to your IMDB profile, you were a Senior Segment Producer for the TV dating show, "Blind Date"�. Shows like this are a guilty pleasure for me. A million questions spring to mind, but I think the easiest thing would be to have you share your most memorable experience (no matter how unseemly) working on this show. There must be a few. Do you consider shows like these verite, or is there so much happening behind the scenes that most of it is contrived. It seems to me that, at the very least, the dialogue between the daters is spontaneous and authentic, but maybe I'm wrong.

Gosh, unseemly? On reality television? Egads, the cynicism.. Yeah, there were some unseemly things, but without the benefit of liquor, I ain't talkin'!

I had a great time on this show, actually. Did a half season before we went into pre-production for the HBO special "Showgirls: Glitz & Angst" (which I encourage people to watch - it's the Kirby Dick/Eddie Schmidt documentary musical!). As far as the daters' conversation, it was real. You almost couldn't believe what people would do or say, and that's what made the show amazing. Then of course we could put jokes on top of that. It was fun - one week I created an original song called "Hot Tub Lovin" and had the in-house composer score it; another week I shot a quick insert cutaway of my friend leering at a couple skinny-dipping and tossed it into the episode. All of that was great fun, and it was produced quickly - so one date down, next one up.

In your latest film, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated"�, you lay bare the corrupt, anti-democratic practices of the MPAA ratings board. I'm assuming that, by now, the MPAA has issued some sort of statement disputing the claims in your film. I'd love to hear you "un-spin"� whatever it is they are currently saying. Are you optimistic that change will come or is there too much apathy out there on the part of Hollywood and moviegoers themselves to really demand accountability?

I am somewhat optimistic, since the film was well-received by critics and audiences - and because the MPAA announced reforms to the system in January. Now, these reforms are basically cosmetic, and designed to ward off all the bad PR they've been getting because of the film, but they're still changes. Which means that if the pressure is kept on, there's more that they might do - "if they can move an inch, they can move a mile," you know? Our film is a learning tool, it's like a primer for any up and coming filmmaker or film lover. So with it out there educating, people can now write/call/email the MPAA with geniune concerns and questions. Before, the system was so secret you took it for granted, which was kind of the point. Now, you can try to make it as useful and as transparent as it ought to be, since it is supposedly there to serve "you": the public. There was a quote about the classic band the Velvet Underground, something like "they weren't huge, but everyone who loved them started their own band." Meaning they were hugely influential. I spend a lot of time on the web and it seems like everyone who loved "Rated" has a blog. I'm hopeful it'll have the same trickle down, both in changing the ratings system and (even better) re-opening the imagination and spirit of what American film can be.

One of the things I have enjoyed the most about DVD technology is the ability to include extra footage, outtakes, and especially commentary tracks. In fact, it's kind of a letdown to get a DVD with no extras. I could watch an entire movie that was nothing but outtakes. I think that commentary tracks can really add to the experience and add valuable insight from the filmmakers about what was happening behind the scenes. I've also noticed this bleeding into television, in that shows can now air unseen footage on the internet. Has being able to put things on the DVD that weren't in the original film changed your approach to making films?

It hasn't changed the way I make films, because I believe really strongly in story arcs and pace. It's clear when a film goes off the rails, or is getting flabby. However, when you're cutting, there are always great individual scenes that you hate giving up in the edit room. For fans of the work, these deleted scenes are like a Christmas gift rather than yesterday's leftovers. So DVD makes it possible to complement, or augment, the "meal" of the feature film experience with little snacks and desserts.

A while back, I read an interview online of Sarah Price, who produced "American Movie"�. In it, she described some documentary filmmakers that influenced her like the Maysles, Ross McElwee, Errol Morris, and others. As a result, I was turned on to some of my favorite films - films I wouldn't have otherwise known about. Now, I always like to ask people if there are films (not necessarily docs) or filmmakers they admire. I would also extend that into other creative fields. Like, are there TV shows you really like or music or whatever?

Sure - I mean, I'm always happy to blab about what I like. I'm a huge fan of John Waters, Woody Allen, and Weird Al, comedically speaking. Also really like Christopher Guest, Larry David, and Robert Smigel ("TV Funhouse"). In terms of recent docs, I should recommend "Street Fight" by Marshall Curry, "Blindsight" by Lucy Walker (her "Devil's Playground" is also very good), "Children of Leningradsky" by Hannah Pollak (a short - might be hard to find) and "Derailroaded" by Josh Lubin and Jeremy Rubin. Anyone who hasn't seen Robert Greenwald's "Outfoxed" really owes that to themselves - same for "Inconvenient Truth." And it goes without saying that I really loved "American Movie" and do certainly appreciate Michael Moore.

Musically, I've been listening to Beck, Kings of Leon, Fiona Apple, Nellie McKay, the Shins, Spoon, Raconteurs, Randy Newman, Jonathan Richman, Tom Waits, Ben Folds. Will always have soft spots for Devo, B-52s, Squeeze, The Smiths, Graham Parker, Joe Jackson, and old REM.

With Netflix, I have been able to watch a ton of documentary films (http://andsomeguy.com/films). I've noticed a preponderance of films that deal with painful subjects: crime, war, abuse, living with disabilities, political malfeasance, etc. I mean, just look at how many docs there are out there about the Holocaust. Why do you suppose this is?

To paraphrase Devo, it's a beautiful world. (Detect sarcasm). These films are a reflection of that. Imagine if Bush hadn't been elected - think of all the documentaries that wouldn't have been made! Seriously, docs are alternative news - the news the news doesn't do anymore. We need them now more than ever, turning over those rocks and showing us the dirty Earth underneath.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions. I look forward to watching your future films. Is there anything in the works right now that we have to look forward to?

Yes, but they're like little things growing in petrie dishes - not yet ready for the harsh sunlight of the world. But in about a year or so there will be a couple of very cool things. In the meantime, though, I'm appearing on a panel at the Ann Arbor Film Festival on March 24, which should be a lot of fun. And I seem to be popping up every couple of months as a pundit on G4's "Attack of the Show." Oh yeah - and for those who haven't seen it yet, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" airs on IFC on March 31st!

Thanks, Eddie!

Everyone Else Is Doing It...

...and who am I not to follow the herd? Red bold=Shit I did.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (I was there, but it was closed to the public.)
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house (Sort of...)
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Commercial Critique...

As you all know by now, I watch a shitload of TV. Since I don't have a DVR, I also watch a shitload of commercials. As I write this, I am watching a "Seinfeld" rerun (George's "BOSCO" ATM password). There was just a commercial on for Propel Energy Water. You can watch it HERE if you like. It's the one labeled "Stress Monster". Basically, it's this giant, robotic-looking monster running through the streets of a major city, destroying everything in its path. Its made up out of a bunch of life's "pressures" (an angry boss, road construction signs, screaming kids, etc.). Playing in the background is "Under Pressure", by Queen. As the giant runs, parts of him start to break off and fall away until what's left is a healthy white male jogging. At the end he pauses to take a drink from his Propel water bottle, looking very satisfied.

Visually, the commercial is well done. It looks cool. Substance-wise, like most commercials, it's a lying piece of shit. Water will in no way alleviate the pressures in your life. It will not excuse you from making your mortgage payment. It will not stop your boss from breathing down your neck or get rid of that hammerhead driving up your tailpipe on the way to work. Face it, you put water in your mouth, you may have a temporary satisfaction as your thirst is relieved, then you piss it out. Anything else is just Madison Avenue blowing smoke up your ass. Sorry to destroy the illusion, but someone has to.


Jen @ Casual Slack Kix Ass!...

Not only did Jen locate a picture I had requested in my previous post, she found one with a shirtless guy wearing overalls and a straw hat! She is truly an internets wizardess!

As her prize, I am renaming my blog temporarily. Please honor her by visiting her fantastic blog.

Shit I Never Do...

I never, ever lick my thumb to assist me in turning pages of books or magazines.

Do you?

p.s.- A prize for whoever can find a pic on the internets of someone licking their thumbs before turning a page. I found nada, so I just did an image search for "huge tongues". Now THAT'S a wild ride!

I'm Back!...

Boy, it sure is fucking great to be back at fucking work, especially after driving in the fucking dark.

Megan and I had a wonderful time over the freakishly warm weekend. She even helped me come up with a new, more appropriate name for my cat. I may post about it and I may not. You just never know.

I will now open up the floor to questions. And Big Orange, let's keep 'em clean, alright?


This Time I Mean It...

It was too hard staying away from you all, but this time I'm serious. I will be incommunicado until Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll be sure to have some goodies for you then. The following is in response to a request by our good buddy, Echo.



Duvet Covers...

As I mentioned HERE a long, long time ago, they've added a Bed Bath & Beyond store here in Petoskey. At the time I decried its existence and, in general, the buying of shit you don't really need. Well, circumstances have changed and I decided there might be a few things I now need to go along with my sparklingly clean house (and new girlfriend). As someone who works in architecture, you'd think I'd be up on interior design terms. Turns out, I'm not.

I have a plain down comforter that is covered by what I have always called a "comforter cover". I didn't see anything in the store labeled as such and, as my fellow men will attest, you NEVER ask for assistance. I did notice things called "duvet covers". Megan later explained that this was indeed what I was looking for (I've had the same one now for a long-ass time). She thought my lack of knowledge was cute, even though I was wondering what had become of my life now that I was shopping for duvet covers. She informed me that it's not the type of thing most men buy.

But why? Surely there are plenty of single men out there that, at some point, have to buy such things. Was there something that could be done to get these men excited about making such a purchase? Some way, perhaps, to make the experience less emasculating? I think I know how: Make duvet covers men will want to buy. With the help of my 3-D modelling program, I was able to mock up a duvet cover I think most single men might appreciate. I mean, what guy wouldn't want to fall asleep under a blanket of delicious barbecue ribs?

Or, as Flannery suggests, sizzling bacon?

I think there is an untapped market out there. Just think of the possibilities! The variations are only limited by our imagination.


I Find It Hard To Believe...

...that THIS GUY would actually commit perjury and obstruction of justice.

Of course, there was always something a little suspicious about him. Notice that if he takes off his glasses, he has no eyes. That's fucked up.

*Total time spent on this post=2.5 minutes.

Two-Minute Post...

OK, I have a few seconds here to do a post. It's gonna suck. I'm warning you.

I always find it amusing when people call them "hamburgs".

See, was that lame or what!?


I'm Sorry...

I have sinned...

Well, not exactly, but I'm not going to be able to post much new stuff for the next few days. I apologize. Just way too much shit going down at work at the moment. I'll be back soon and will be blogging and commenting with a vengeance - I promise!