This Monkey Is My New Hero...

I randomly Googled monkey fart just now and found this. I'd never seen it before. I love how matter-of-fact the monkey is about it. He walks up, does his business, and gets out. I'm sure I did the same sort of thing more than once to my little brother when we were growing up. I know for a fact that he used to do it to me.


A Movie Moment That's Always Bugged Me...

You know that scene in Billy Madison where Billy has his young friend, Ernie (the guy who pees his pants), call their teacher, Ms. Vaughn, in order to find out whether she likes him (Billy)? Well, I think it was WAY out of line for Billy to yell at Ernie the way he does. Let's break it down:
  • Right from the start, it's obvious Billy is taking advantage of Ernie's low self-esteem. Ernie, with his many urinary problems, clearly has very few friends and will do anything to win Billy over, even something as embarrassing as calling his teacher. Ernie obliges without argument.
  • Billy prompts Ernie to ask a series of unseemly questions regarding Ms. Vaughn's "status" (Does she have a boyfriend, Does she like anyone in class more than a friend, etc.). Ernie does so flawlessly, in my opinion.
  • Billy then tries to push the limits of what is appropriate by telling Ernie to ask her if she'd ever consider dating anyone from class. When Ernie objects, Billy screams, "Just DO IT!" Again, Ernie does as he is instructed.
  • As she starts to answer, Billy then gets on another phone to listen for himself. When it becomes clear that Ms. Vaughn has mistaken Ernie's questions as an indication that he (not Billy) has a crush on her, Ernie gets right to the point and asks her about Billy. When her response is not the desired one, Billy chimes in using a high-pitched voice that is supposed to imitate Ernie (but sounds nothing like him) and says something impulsive. His comment raises suspicion and he is forced to abort the mission and hang up abruptly. He then berates poor Ernie, yelling, "You BLEW IT!"
If anyone blew it, it was Billy. I don't know what he was getting all bent out of shape about. Nowhere in this exchange did I notice any failure on Ernie's part. He did exactly what he was asked. One could make the argument that by mentioning Billy's name, Ernie had sabotaged the plan or "blew it". I, however, would argue that unless she is some sort of Mary Kay Letourneau-type as well as completely oblivious to the fact that she has a grown man in her class, she knows that dating third graders is taboo and that the call was being placed on behalf of Billy. I think Ernie performed with flying colors and that Billy needs to reflect on just who really "blew it". If only he'd look in the mirror, I think he'd find his answer.

If you want to judge for yourself, the scene is HERE.

Edited to add: I guess Billy does make up for it somewhat with the fake pants-wetting bit.


A Documentary Double-Feature: Style Wars And POPaganda: The Art & Crimes Of Ron English...

When it comes to documentaries, I'm always on the lookout for stuff I haven't seen yet. When I find something, I immediately add it on Netflix where there are currently 81 titles in my queue. The first film, Style Wars, was recommended in multiple comments on this post on The Documentary Blog. POPaganda was on list called F!ilms2CB4uDi3. I received them at the same time and watched them back-to-back, not knowing they'd have similar subject matter. Both are about outlaw artists. Style Wars was made in 1983 for PBS. It follows a number of prominent graffiti "writers" in New York City. I thought it was incredibly well-done. POPaganda is about Ron English, an renegade artist who made his mark by covering over billboards with his own take on advertising. They're both about people who are desperate to display their art to as wide an audience as they can and who will risk arrest to do it.

After watching these I noticed the similarities between what they were doing and what I'm doing with the blog. Granted, I'm not really risking much (other than a little dignity) and I'm not being as in-your-face about it as a graffiti artist, but I can relate to the desire to have people look at what you're doing. I have to admit, I get a kick out of looking at the StatCounter thing and seeing people from all over the globe finding my blog by searching for "Sandy Duncan's Glass Eye" or the "G0-Go Gophers". Also, like graffiti art, there is no guarantee that someone who sees my blog won't be offended, which I like.

Style Wars website (very cool!)
POPaganda website

Everyone Get Out Their Copy Of "The Boys Are Out Tonight"...

...and listen to it in honor of Scott Baio's birthday.
Chachi turns 48 today!

Also, while you're at it, if you could leave a short synopsis of what you've been writing on your blogs the last few days in the comments, I'd appreciate it. I have like 7 million posts waiting for me after being away and it could save me some time (I read bad).


Playing Cards...

I'm heading to Chicago for a bachelor party this weekend, so I won't be around for a few days. Before I go, though, I want to talk about a phrase that has become commonplace in our contemporary discourse, especially when it comes to politics. Whenever someone brings up a sensitive subject to support their own claims or dispute someone else's, odds are some asshole in the media will report that they have "Played the _____ card." (the "race" card, the "fear" card, etc.)

To those people I'd like to say: suck my genitals.

That's right. I'm playing the "suck my genitals" card - the card that trumps whatever weak-ass shit you have in your hands.


I Just About Spoiled My Dinner...

Remember to always keep your mouth closed
when riding your bike.

You never know when you might come upon
a cloud of gnats.

Trust me on this one.


Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together...

As you know, I love documentaries and I love making slideshows set to music. Here is a slideshow that features 240 documentaries I've seen since I started subscribing to Netflix at the end of 2004. They are in the order in which I watched them. I realize a few of the films (such as Incident At Loch Ness or The Five Obstructions) may stretch the bounds of what is considered a documentary. The music is an untitled instrumental by the band Neutral Milk Hotel off a rock-solid album I've been listening to a lot lately called In The Aeroplane Over The Sea. Check it out.

Documentary Film Of The Day: Plagues & Pleasures On The Salton Sea...

As someone who prides himself on his geographic knowledge, I'm ashamed to admit I had never heard of the Salton Sea. For those of you like me, the Salton Sea is a 15 by 35 mile man-made body of super-salty water just south of Palm Springs, California. I'm sure my west coast friends are familiar with it. The film, narrated by John Waters, tells the history of how it was formed and how it was, at one time, promoted as a new recreation and resort mecca - a "Las Vegas with water". Money poured in and land was sold for development. Due to a number of factors, most of them environmental, the Salton Sea never delivered on its promises and left behind an odd collection of ghost towns and their equally odd residents; some who remain out of necessity and some who remain because they still believe it will one day become the vacation hotspot it was once touted to be. If you like docs with eccentric characters, you might want to check this out.

Netflix it HERE
Film's website HERE


Michael Jeffrey Jordan...

Growing up a fan of Chicago sports was rough. It was a series of heartbreaks and let-downs (with the lone exception of the '85 Bears). Usually, people would start saying "Wait 'til next year" early on in the season, no matter what the sport. Then came Michael Jordan. Now, I am not one to make heroes out of athletes, but goddamn was he fun to watch. I was a freshman in college when the Bulls dynasty began. It was so nice to follow a dominant team after witnessing so much failure. In honor of Michael Jordan's induction into the Hall Of Fame, I'm posting a few videos. If you're from Cleveland, Portland, Phoenix, New York, or Utah, I don't blame you for not watching.

1990 vs. Cleveland Cavaliers (69 points)

1992 vs. Portland Trailblazers (the one with all the three-pointers)

1993 vs. Phoenix Suns

1995 vs. New York Knicks (55 points in comeback)

1997 vs. Utah Jazz (the flu game)

1998 vs. Utah Jazz


Weight Loss Success (Sort Of)...

As I mentioned in a recent post, I decided it was time to get off my ass and dedicate myself to getting in better shape. So, for the last four weeks I have been faithful to a regimen that includes:
  • An uphill bike ride of about two miles to the local sled hill.
  • Once there, I walk the bike uphill about 100 yards to the start of the stairs.
  • After some stretching, I proceed to climb the 462 steps to the top at a brisk pace.
  • Once at the top, I get a drink of water, stretch a little more, and then jog down the steps.
  • I repeat this climb as many times as I am able that particular day. The first day I did it, I was barely able to make it up once without stopping. Now, I usually climb it 3-4 times. My personal best is 5.
  • Then I do a slightly longer ride home.
I can tell you that by the end of the workout I am dripping with sweat. The results are starting to become visible. My pants seem a little looser and my energy level is significantly higher. As you can tell from the photo, I have reduced the size of my gut and my man-boobs look like they're starting to recede.

Now, if only I could drop some of this nipple weight...


I Know I Say This Every Time, But There Is Nothing At All Funny About This Post...

As you know, a lot of my videos feature me reenacting random crap I've heard over and over again. Some of my past work includes:
Today's comes from a series of Rimmel London cosmetics commercials that we have been bombarded with up here for the last several months, if not years. They're on all the fucking time. In case you've never seen one, here's a sample:

Here is my impression. Since the voice-over guy is never shown on camera, the hair is my best approximation. To save you some time, it's only the first four words:


Happy Labor Day, Comrades!...

Solidarity Forever - Pete Seeger

Ludlow Massacre - Woody Guthrie

There Is Power In A Union - Billy Bragg


I Never Realized Until Just Now...

...that the guy who played Olson Johnson in
Blazing Saddles was the same guy who played...

Jeffrey "The bums lost!" Lebowski
of The Big Lebowski.

The actor's name is David Huddleston and he
was also the grandpa on The Wonder Years.


That Guy Is Laughing Again!...

I know I do a lot of posts about laughter, but it's one of my favorite things in life, so I may bring it up from time to time. I was on the phone with my sister today. I know from experience that she can crack my shit up fairly easily, so I had my camera handy because I wanted to try something. I tried a few effects in this video just to see what it would look and sound like. So, if you haven't had a good laugh today, feel free to share a few of mine.

You Better Watch Your Step...

Mother Angelica told me
she's got a knuckle sandwich (with mayo)
and it's got your name on it.



Okay, this is my last one of these for a while.
I know some of you have made requests,
but I need to move on to other things.



I beg you that you bear with me.
This just a phase - something I
have to get out of my system.
It's kind of like when I was on that comic strip kick.





New Clamshire...

Proof That I'm Not Made Of Stone...

In order to set the groundwork for my latest video, I must first revisit two posts from my archives. The first was from June of 2006 - my very first month of blogging. I did a post about three movies that make me cry. One of those movies was a film called Rudy. It's the story of a Hobbit that overcomes great odds to play football for Notre Dame. It doesn't matter if I only catch the last ten minutes of the fucking thing. I will tear up without fail.

The other post is a video I made of myself pretending to cry. It doesn't need any further explanation. I only mention it to provide some contrast.

The other day I caught the tail-end of Rudy. Thanks to the fact that I now have several continuously-rolling cameras throughout my house (because you never know when something hilarious will happen), I was able to capture something none of my other videos have - a moment of poignancy. Most of you probably thought there was no way I could embarrass myself any more than I already have. Pffft. Ye of little faith...