Holy Sweet Fucking Jesus, I Hardly Ever Go This Long Without Posting!...

Since I last left you:
  • The morning after I made the video, Megan and I drove down to Chicago. I knew the weather was going to be snowy and shitty and it was. It was okay until just north of Grand Rapids. Roads were partially snow covered and getting worse the further south we went. I was behind a semi in the left lane, when all of a sudden he started braking quickly. Anyone who has driven in the snow understands those split-seconds where you are gripping the steering wheel wondering whether you are going to hit someone, get hit, or go off into the ditch. Luckily we barely avoided a collision and I did some white-knuckle driving for the next hundred and fifty miles or so. Once we got into the Chicago area, the snow was getting thick and slippery, even for a 4WD vehicle.
  • We had intended to stay at my sister's, but a sick three-year-old made us reconsider and stay at my mom's. We spent Christmas Eve & Day in the suburbs with family. It was pretty laid back. I avoided church completely. Some of the foods I had consumed to this point included: Portillo's Italian Beef and a Chocolate Cake Milkshake, Uncle Pete's Swedish Meatballs, Godiva Chocolates, Aunt Leona's Sour Cream Coffee Cake, and countless Christmas cookies.
  • Friday, Megan got to go to a mall (something she never gets to do up here) with no rushing from an annoying boyfriend asking when we could leave. She bought a bunch of stuff and I didn't have to go. It was a win-win. Later that night we ditched the truck, checked into the Palmer House and had dinner with friends.
  • Saturday we had Christmas with my dad, step-mom, and aunt. We took the train from the city. I know a lot of you may disagree, but I fucking love public transportation, especially if the places you're going are easily accessible. It came in really handy a bunch of different times. After we got back to the city, we walked a few blocks to Pizano's (even though we weren't hungry) and got some deep-dish pizza and beers.
  • Sunday I got to go to The Mutiny, a great dive-bar on Western Ave. in Chicago. My friend, Guido, watches most games there. Their gigantic urinal is pictured above. Even though the suck-ass fucking Bears lost, it was fun, especially for me, someone who misses watching his team with like-minded fans. I drank lots of Pabst and ate a bunch of free brats. Then we met the girlfriend/wives at a bar in Andersonville, a Swedish neighborhood on the north side. I had some good schnitzel at a German place for dinner before we called it a night.
  • Monday we decided to relax and not do anything specific. We walked over to "The Bean" and watched people. Then we walked up Michigan Ave. and had a couple beers at the top of the Hancock. Later we met blog friends at Club Lago. It was a lot more intimate than last year's get-together, but any chance to see fellow bloggers is always enjoyable. Grant then gave us a ride back to our hotel.
  • The drive home yesterday was clear until we got to around Manton when visibility was shit and we had to slow way down. We got home around 6:00 and I had an F to the mother fucking P (frozen pizza). Today I was a lazy slug and watched movies and drank beer.
I was so overwhelmed by the number of new posts you all have written since I've been away that I just breezed through them. I will try to get caught up and start commenting again. The following is one of THE most boring videos I've made to date. I strongly advise you don't watch it unless you have time you are comfortable sparing and aren't offended by extreme acts of dorkitude.

Happy New Year, Everyone!


A Special Holiday Message From Yours Truly...

Tomorrow I'm leaving for Christmas in Chicago (don't forget the gathering, those of you in the area!). I wanted to take a sec and acknowledge the people whose blogs I follow. I hope you all have a great holidays. And like I told you, I have an annoying voice.

If I didn't mention your name and you think I should be reading your blog, for god's sake let me know so I can add it!

Edited to add: Shit! I forgot to mention long-time blog-friend, Mixed Nut. Have a great Christmas, buddy! For some reason on the Google Reader, your blog is listed as (title unknown). My apologies.


Ski Report, Week Two...

This was my second weekend out this season as you probably guessed from the title of the post. It was mixed as far as weather. Saturday was cold as fuck (-5 F when I got there), but it was clear blue sky all day. I worked on my first accident of the year - a 12-year-old with what looked to be a broken wrist. Although we can sometimes guess what's wrong, we never give the victims a diagnosis. We always tell them to get an x-ray to be sure. A wrist injury is pretty straightforward. Splint, sling, and swath along with a bunch of questions for the accident report. She was a trooper and didn't cry until her dad showed up to drive her to the ER. There was also one accident that required an ambulance that I didn't work on

Today it snowed all day. Early in the morning there was some really nice, buttery powder, but the wind, snow, and cold increased in the afternoon, so I hunkered down by the fire in one of the warming huts and pulled out my crossword puzzle book. Luckily there were no injuries today.


A Truly Crappy Christmas Gift...

Another tag. This time it's from Cora. The rules are as follows:

1. pick a crappy gift and post it on your blog.
2. pick 5 Bloggers that you think might want to open their hearts and pick a crappy gift.
3. link back to this post.
4. and if you really want to get into heaven, write "I POSTED A CRAPPY GIFT" in the comments section of Dr. Zibbs' original post HERE where it all started, so we can all see the crappy gifts you picked.

My selection is the 5-Piece Jumbo Moose Poop Necklace (seen modeled above). It retails for $32. You can also purchase other moose poop jewelry like earrings or tie-tacks. What better way to show someone just how much you care than by giving them wearable feces!

I hereby tag:
Miss Alex

Thank Heavens For A Tag...

This is a seven-legged lamb. I wish I had seven legs. Instead, I got nailed by Dr. Zaius with the "seven things..." tag. This is probably the seventh time I've done it. Since I have nothing else interesting to say at the moment and the Mindy Cohn paparazzi post went over like a fart in church, I'll accept it.

The rules:

1. List these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

Here goes:
  1. I have an annoying voice. I have no inflection whatsoever. It's very unnerving for people. I'm working on it and my progress will be the topic of a future post I'm sure.
  2. The last couple years we have gotten to stay at the lavish Drake Hotel in Chicago after Christmas thanks to the generosity of Megan's dad, but they were booked this year so we will be forced to stay at the Palmer House. It's gonna be rough.
  3. Despite the fact that I'm a huge nerd, I have never been into comic books OR video games.
  4. Relating to #3, I did briefly play Dungeons And Dragons after avoiding it for a long time. My character was a halfling thief named Snatch Davis. It made me smile anytime anyone said it.
  5. I ate sea urchins in Cadiz, Spain because I heard they had hallucinogenic effects. It was complete bullshit and they were disgusting.
  6. I'd guess that about 50% of the time I go to the grocery store, I buy a candy bar at the checkout. I am a sucker.
  7. I am breaking rule #3 and not tagging 7 more people. I'm sure you're all busy with your last-minute shopping and shoving ornaments up your butts for me to add another thing to your to-do lists.


So I Guess All I Do Now Is Post Fucking Videos On This Blog...

Well, not videos of actual fucking you understand. I haven't reached that point yet, but you never know.

As I mentioned in this old post, I have tremendous respect for Mindy Cohn, Natalie from "Facts Of Life". I think it's awesome that the paparazzi still considers her a big enough icon to follow her around with cameras. As you'll see in the video, she seems incredulous that they'd be interested in little ol' her, but that's just the trademark Mindy Cohn modesty we all know and love.


Four Commercials From My Childhood That Made Me Aware Of The Fact That I Found Women Attractive...

1. Bain de Soleil. By today's standards this is a pretty tame commercial, but there was a good deal of skin displayed in a pretty seductive way.

2. Underalls. Again, nothing really risque, but that tilting butt at the end that went "tink tink" was kinda arousing.

3. Playtex Cross-Your-Heart Bra. I suppose any bra commercial would qualify, but this one stuck in my mind.

Edited to add: Dr. Zibbs reminded me of this one. I was trying to remember the name of it and when I saw his comment it popped into my head - Enjoli perfume.


A Christmas Idea...

Lots of you have been asking me on your blogs what I want for Christmas. Well, I've finally thought of something. I want a shirt like the ones these guys are wearing. Finally I can look super-cool AND hide the fact that I have bony wuss-arms. Two birds, one stone!


The Lōc-Down...

I'm not sure if Tone Lōc has a new album in the works right now, but in case he does, I have some album title suggestions ready for him:
  • Lōc, Stōc, and Barrel
  • Lōc-ed And Loaded
  • Lōc Jaw
  • Caps Lōc
  • Automatic Door Lōcs
  • Lōc Ness Monster
  • Under Lōc And Key
  • In Lōcstep
  • Lip Lōc
  • Davy Jones Lōc-er
  • Lōcheed Martin
  • Cōc Blōc


Wait a sec.
Let me go grab my green turtleneck
and then I'll be ready to play.

Edited to add:
I finally figured out what the
picture above was all about.
The guy was merely doing a half-assed
reenactment of the classic children's feature
"Gumby Takes A Fastball To The Nuts".


Holiday Spirit...

Megan and I are going out to do a little Christmas shopping today. Since I live in a rural area without malls or big crowds, it's harder for me to get the true holiday shopping experience. That's why by the end of the trip I hope to:
  • knock down and step on at least one woman over 80 years of age.
  • forcibly snatch an item away from another shopper, even if there are plenty more of the same thing on the shelf.
  • annoy other shoppers by wearing over-sized snowshoes into all the stores.
  • verbally assault a sales clerk for not having the power tool I'm looking for, even though I'm in a bookstore.
  • insist that the Christmas cards I buy each be individually gift-wrapped.
  • pee into at least one Christmas tree stand and/or Poinsettia plant and claim that the line for the restroom was too long.


Documentary Film Of The Day: Man On Wire...

This is a film whose Netflix release I've been anxiously awaiting. It's about Philippe Petit and his 1974 tightrope walk between the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. Petit had been consumed with the idea for this stunt when he saw renderings of the towers long before it was ever completed. Prior to this, he had tightrope-walked between the towers of Notre Dame cathedral and towers on the Sydney Harbor Bridge. Figuring out a way to span the tightrope without anyone noticing was extremely complicated and the movie reassembles the team that made it happen. I liked it a lot. Cinematically, I thought it was beautifully shot. I like it when people try things that seem utterly impossible, even if they serve no real practical purpose. I think doing things like this makes us all question perceived boundaries which often leads to innovation and discovery.

Add it to your queues HERE.

The Chicken Dance According To Arrested Development...

Arrested Development Chicken Dances - Watch more Funny Videos

Okay, this post probably won't make a lot of sense to some of you, but I recently introduced Megan to the joy of "Arrested Development" via Netflix. This is my second time through the series and it's still hilarious to me. For god's sake, if you haven't watched it, just fucking do it already. Even you non-Netflixers can watch it free-of-charge on hulu.com.

Megan is a big fan of GOB and Lucille while I'm more of a Tobias/Buster man myself. Although I must admit that GOB's chicken is pretty fucking good.


Growing up, nothing scared me more than getting in enough trouble that I'd be sent to juvenile hall. I remember in sixth grade I forgot to bring a book for sustained silent reading. The teacher sent me home with a negative notice (a pussified version of a detention). I thought to myself, "Holy shit! My parents are gonna kill me! What's next? Juvie?"

Thinking back, it seems strange that I'd be so scared of a place that sounded so happy. I mean, "juvie" doesn't sound threatening at all. It sounds like "groovy". It sounds like a place with a lot of bright colors and balloons and arcade games and pizza parties. Come to think of it, it probably was and I fucking missed out.

I blame you, Nancy Reagan. You and your "Just Say No" horseshit lies.


Magic Eye...

Okay, hold the center of the image right up to your nose. It should be blurry. Focus as though you are looking through the image into the distance. Very slowly move the image away from your face. If you do it right, you should be able to see an image of Newt Gingrich breastfeeding a platypus.

No, no, no! Don't look at it cross-eyed! Look through the picture. There you go. See it?

The Contents Of My Brain At This Moment...


Five Dollar...

Five Dollar Footlong!

At Subway.

(Repeat ad infinitum)


I Know What Megan Is Getting For Christmas!...

Place Names...

According to Wikipedia, the following five place names (cities, towns, villages, and Census Designated Places) are the most common in the United States:
  • Franklin (37)
  • Salem (36)
  • Washington (32)
  • Springfield (32)
  • Clinton (31)
The five least common include:
  • Moldhurst
  • Semen Springs
  • Crotchville
  • West Pissdale
  • Cuntina Heights

Another Fucking Post About Cinnamon Toast Crunch...

I am so goddamn sick of seeing blog posts about Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Every fucking blog I visit, there it is. It's all Cinnamon Toast Crunch this and Cinnamon Toast Crunch that. Enough! Can't you people think of something else to blog about!? And don't give me that tired old bullshit about how it's made from whole grain. Let me repeat:


It's yesterday's fucking news! I mean, sure, it's a decent cereal, but come ON! Does it really warrant this much attention?

It's time to move on, people.


I Guess I Might As Well...

I've noticed a lot of campaigning on other people's blogs for this year's Drysdale Awards. Normally I'd say that it's an honor just to be nominated, but since I nominated myself in every category, the honor is somewhat diminished.

Here's the thing: I know a lot of you have already voted. Now it's time to have a little fun! If you'll notice, unlike other votes you may have cast in your life, this one can be changed! So what I'm asking you all to do is go over and change your vote temporarily (or vote for me if you haven't already), then right before the deadline, change your vote back to whoever you really want to win. It will freak out the current front-runners and this panic will result in much more interesting posts from them. Everybody wins!

What I'm banking on is that a lot of you will be too drunk or too busy masturbating (the two activities I assume you're all engaged in while not blogging) to remember to change your votes back, thus allowing me to walk away with an armful of trophies. What's that? You need an incentive? Well, I was going to post a video of some maggot-infested turds from our cat that recently had a tapeworm. Do what I ask and I'll spare you. I'll be checking the polls every two minutes to keep track of the progress. Come on, team! Together we can do this! Here's the LINK again.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!...

The ONLY* time it is acceptable
to make air quotes
is when you are mocking someone
who makes fucking air quotes.

*- See comments for exceptions.

Git DOWN!...

"A Charlie Brown Christmas" was on last night. I get a lot of pleasure watching them do their group dance. There is something so comically joyful about it. I can't decide which one is my favorite. Let's start at the top and go around clockwise:
  • Shermy doing a zombie sleepwalk.
  • Linus and Sally doing a modified hustle.
  • The twins doing their oppo-synchronized head-bob (helped save on illustration costs).
  • The spiky-haired kid doing a hunchback precursor to the stationary moonwalk.
  • Violet (wearing green) doing a very focused tai-chi movement.
  • Freida (wearing violet) doing what appears to be the hully-gully.
Another thing I found interesting is how a show that deals with the fact that Christmas has become too commercialized is ironically riddled with Christmas commercials for high-tech gadgetry to give your loved ones. Charles Schultz must choking on his Dolly Madison Zinger up in heaven right now.


Guess Who They Hooked Maureen McCormick Up With When She Was on "The Love Boat"...

You won't believe it.

Not Leif Garrett.

Not Shawn Cassidy.

Not Willie Aames.


They thought she'd be perfect for...


Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo DeHuevos Epstein.

Splotchy's Story Virus Returns!...

My pal Splotchy has started another story virus. You can read the details HERE.

It starts thusly:

The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)

I hunched down to see what it was, but as I did, the bus violently veered to left. I was thrown up against a heavyset Asian woman with blond hair. I pardoned myself, but she faced forward with no reply. Just then, a man wearing a jumpsuit of silver and gold stood up at the front of the bus. He was holding a megaphone and a box of graham crackers. He held the megaphone up to his face and began to speak... (Some Guy)

Okay, I now tag:
Cormac Brown



Hardrock, Coco, And Joe...

This video is for those of you who grew up with Bozo's Circus on WGN in Chicago. I'm not sure if non-Chicagoans were exposed to it or not. They used to play it every Christmas growing up. Watch it four or five times and tell me the song isn't a fucking JAM (even if it's a little frightening)!

Ski Report, Week One...

Let me start by saying I have been very bad about commenting and responding and all that shit. I'm going to be hiring more staff soon to make sure this is rectified.

As for the skiing...

Well, despite my optimism, the weekend was not all I had hoped. It was okay. Saturday it was colder than they had forecast (low 20s) and windy. I had to wear a hat which messed up my hair which made me look less cool which doesn't really matter anymore now that I have a girlfriend. Also, in order to extend the ski season for as long as possible, Midwestern areas are forced to make as much snow early in the season as they can. We don't have the gift of altitude that Western places do. Fortunately, man-made snow technology has come a long way and, once groomed, it's almost indistinguishable from the real stuff. Unfortunately, during the first few days the snow is really chunky and hard. Combined with flat light and shitty weather, it can make for a long day on the slopes. Today was much better because it was clear blue skies all day, even though it was colder (14 when I got there). I didn't have to work on any accidents either day. There was a threat of a chairlift evacuation, but luckily it was averted. I'm beat and my leg muscles are wishing I had done more (some) conditioning. Oh well. All in all it was a nice weekend and conditions will only get better.


Opening Day!...

Tomorrow will be my first day of skiing for the season. Right now it's looking like we'll have a great start. We already have a fucking ton of snow and we're supposed to get more tonight - they're saying another 6-10 inches. The forecast is for 27 degrees, which is about perfect. I probably won't even wear a hat with temps that high. It's nice because usually conditions on the first day aren't very good. Some of my newer readers may not know that I'm a member of the ski patrol. I know. Scary to think that the skiing public is depending on me to keep them safe. Here's hoping the powder is deep and the broken bones are minimal. I'll provide a full report tomorrow.


Winner For Most Inexplicable Thing My Friend Blurted Out At Full Volume In His High School Italian Class...

"I wanna suck a cow!"

A Birthday Wink...

Today beloved game show host Wink Martindale turns 74.

Wink hosted the ever-popular "Tic-Tac-Dough".
Hard to believe there were TWO game shows based on tic-tac-toe.
Wink's was the one without Paul Lynde (or Jim J. Bullock, depending on your era).

Two interesting facts about Wink:
  • He appeared in a Quiet Riot video for "The Wild And The Young".
  • Fellow game show hosts Chuck Woolery (Love Connection) and Gene Rayburn (Match Game) referred to him as "Stink Fartindale". My respect for Woolery just shot up tenfold. (I already though Rayburn was a bad-ass with his bitchin' microphone.)


It's That Time Again...

Okay, I'm giving you all plenty of warning. In case you didn't get Grant Miller's Facebook invitation (or you don't know who the fuck Grant Miller is), there is going to be another holiday blogger get-together for those in and around Chicago on the Monday after Christmas (the 29th) starting at 7:00 PM. Grant decided to have it at our our friends' Guido & GianCarlo's restaurant, Club Lago (menu and location HERE), site of our first blogger gathering. Grant will be presenting his annual Drysdale Awards (don't forget to get your nominations in).

I hope to see everyone there and I hope to add some new faces. We had a nice crowd last year at the Tiki Bar and it'd be fun to build on that. If you're shy or afraid to leave your parent's basement, don't sweat it. We're all pretty non-threatening. I know it's a Monday and everyone will be exhausted, but who better to share your post-holiday misery with than the people you share your misery with everyday!?

One Pissed-Off Duck...

This post has nothing to do with ducks and it really doesn't have to do with being pissed-off. It has to do with the state of this blog. There was once a time where I could rattle off seven or eight posts in a day - all of them brilliant. Ideas flowed like Pabst-induced piss. Those days are a distant memory. Nowadays, I struggle. I fret over the fact that, holy shit, it's 11:44 and I still haven't thought of anything funny. In my last post I mentioned that I might write more about my time waiting at the airport. I had a post in mind about a guy and three girls I was watching who were waiting for the same flight as me and how the guy was a big nerd like me and you could totally tell he would've loved to have sex with any of the three of them and he knew, because of their situation waiting in an airport, there was no threat that some cooler guy was gonna come along and cockblock him, yet he was ultimately too insecure to say anything so he had to act nonchalant and carefully pick moments to say something witty to impress them and how I wish I could've just gone up to them and said "Hey, this guy would love to have sex with any of you and I think you should. He's not THAT bad looking and it'd be a thrill for him." It was all about my empathy for nice guys who can't talk to women.

I decided against that post because airports and dorks who can't get laid are boring. And what's MORE boring is a post about how boring this all is. I'm not sure how to end this post. I guess I'm not worried that I've lost it as far as blogging, but I am in a funk. Perhaps, from this funk, something funky can grow. Stay tuned...


I Need A Good De-icing...

I figured most of you are worried sick that I've gone so long without a post. The last few days have been a toxic cocktail of airplane travel, crappy weather, and a major deadline for work. I have a shit-ton of stuff to catch up on on the Google Reader. It pains me to know all the hilarity I've been missing out on.

Something that I was curious about was whether they intentionally route the most slovenly, most wretched air travelers through Chicago/O'Hare or is it like that everywhere? I sat facing the base of an escalator for a few hours and it was like a parade of sadness. I know airports can bring out the worst in people, but Christ Almighty! I'm sure I'll have more to say later. I know there's nothing quite as fascinating as a good airport anecdote!