Fox News Roll Call: Shepard Smith
I Have Arrived...
A Book That Has Changed Your Life:
Journey Of Souls by Michael Newton. Sure, it's new-agey and all you cynics and skeptics can poo-poo it, but it comes the closest to representing my perception of the afterlife, reincarnation, and all that jazz. It was a book that indirectly showed me that it's cool that I don't buy into the whole "church" scene.
A Book That I've Read More Than Once:
Hooper Humperdink...? Not Him! by Theo Le Sieg. My favorite children's book growing up. My mom found an early version like the one I had when I was a kid and gave it to me. It meant a lot.
A Book That Makes You Laugh:
Braindroppings by George Carlin. A lot of Carlin's books are just rehashes of his act. However, there was enough original material in Braindroppings to make it worthwhile. Some parts are so funny I was temporarily paralyzed from laughing so hard.
A Book That Makes You Cry:
Anything written by a right-winger.
Book You Wish You Had Written:
The Bible by God. It'd be a lot different and have WAY more toilet humor in it.
Book You Wish Had Never Been Written:
Same answer as books that make me cry.
Book You Are Currently Reading:
The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. I just started so I can't really comment, other than to say anything involving Bill Moyers has GOT to be good.
Book You've Been Meaning To Read:
Masturbation For Dummies. For some reason, Amazon doesn't have a link for it yet.
Alright, Frank. You're it!
Maybe The Guys From "South Park" Were Right...
Are You Ready For Some (Fantasy) Football!...
- Tom Brady - QB, New England
- LaMont Jordan - RB, Oakland
- Reggie Bush - RB, New Orleans
- Chad Johnson - WR, Cincinnati
- Deion Branch - WR, New England
- Rod Smith - W/R, Denver
- Jason Witten - TE, Dallas
- Adam Vinatieri - K, Indianapolis
- Carolina Panthers defense
After the draft I found out that Branch is having contract problems with the Pats and that Vinatieri is injured, so I could be screwed.
Recently, the mother of the guy I work with asked if I had seen the new Bed Bath & Beyond going in. I said yes.
"Aren't you excited?" She asked
In her defense, she doesn't really know about my disdain for unnecessary consumption. I tend to keep it to myself.
"Yeah, I'm on the edge of my fucking seat. In fact, I can't wait to bring my new flannel dust ruffle and platinum shower curtain rings up to the register knowing that .00001% of my sale will go to a 12-year-old Malaysian girl. That is the embodiment of satisfaction for me."
People, I beg you. Stop buying shit you don't need!
Republicans: The Party Of Hope And Positivity...
This pretty much says it all.
Another Fucking Movie Alert...
T-Ball Scouting Report...
Chris: A talented infielder who comes from money, so his mom can be counted on for kick-ass post-game snacks.
Mitchell: A true student of the game. A head of bright red hair does a good job of distracting opposing batters.
Eric: Packs a big bat. Always claims he is going to "hit a granny" even if no one is on base.
Jon: Not too good. A little TOO happy.
Micky: Terrible. Best bet is to stick him in left field and let him hold his crotch.
Mike: Lacks intesity. Throws like my sister. Best to put him at catcher where his sole job is to put the ball on the tee.
Rusty: One of the few players who can catch the ball dependably. Has a bitchin' Catfish Hunter signature glove.
Back Row: (L to R):
Trey: Useless. Stands at the plate like he's waiting for a bus.
James: As they say in Texas, all hat, no cattle. Knows the rules, just can't execute.
Kenny: The renegade. Wears red just to be different. If you can keep him in line and off the sauce, he can be a big run producer.
Chris: Good fundamentals, but no speed. Runs like he's got a sack of cement in his drawers.
Derrick: His family goes to the Wisconsin Dells for half the fucking season.
Don, the coach: A little too conservative on the basepaths, but knows how to get the best out of his pitching. Unfortunately, that is of little use in T-ball.
The Commercial That Creates The Condition It's Product Is Intended To Cure...
Documentary Film Of The Day - Harlan County, U.S.A....
Hook, Line, And Sinker, Suckas!...
I knew this guy didn't do it. I'd like to thank our outstanding media for an utter waste of everyone's time. I would expect Mr. Karr to parlay his notoriety into some sort of "Reality TV" appearance - maybe the next season of "The Surreal Life" or perhaps a new show called "Weird-Ass Dudes Who Confess To Disgusting Crimes And Don't Mind The Fact That Their Shit Is Gonna Get Fucked With In Prison, No Doubt, Even Though They Didn't Do It". Bear in mind this is just a working title.
Emmy Awards 2006 Re-cap...
-Jaclyn Smith has still got it goin' on!
-More rampant cleavage.
-Steve Carell gets robbed by Antonio from the show "Wings".
-Christopher Hitchens flips off the audience (oops, I was flipping back & forth between a "Real Time With Bill Maher" episode I missed.)
**Edited to add: I'm not gay. I swear. And I refuse to use the overused "Seinfeld" line about homosexuality because, let's face it, at this point it is trite.
A Moment Of Discovery...
Public Service Announcement...
You Know What I Can't Stand?...
Best Live Shows Ever...
- Ween, White Pepper tour, at The Vic in Chicago. Ween does their shows right. No opener and no nonsense. Plus, they play forever and do a good job of mixing up their playlist with older stuff and newer stuff. I think they were on for 3-1/2 hours.
- Dick Dale - King of surf guitar, at The Cubby Bear in Chicago. You probably know Dick from his famous tune "Miserlou" from "Pulp Fiction". He's another no-nonsense guy. He just walked on stage and went to town. He also stayed after the show and bullshitted with people.
- Reverend Horton Heat at The Double Door in Chicago. The Double Door is a great mid-sized place to see a show. This was the first time I even listened to the Reverend and they didn't disappoint. After seeing the show I went and bought all their albums.
- Dirty Dozen Brass Band at Martyr's in Chicago. This place is smaller than the Double Door, so a large New Orleans brass band had no trouble being heard. I actually went to see Squirrel Nut Zippers open, but the Dirty Dozen's performance stole the show.
- Medeski, Martin, & Wood at The Riviera in Chicago. This one was fun because thanks to a connection, I had VIP seating. It was very different from the other shows I described - more cerebral. Again, a long set without a lame opener.
Four Word Review...
Clarence, the blue puppet has one goal - to annoy the shit out of whoever he can.
A Kick-Ass Painting...
Documentary Film Of The Day - The Cutting Edge: The Magic Of Movie Editing...
Music That Makes You Happy...
I Am Dumb...
Speaking Of Fart Jokes...
Animal House in the West Wing
He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we're learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.It depresses me to know that we find the same things funny.
I am a pacifist.
Whew. Man. That felt good. Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "So what? What's the big deal?" Well, you'd be amazed how many people have gotten pissed off when I tell them this. People really get upset. Enough so that I'm cautious to ever bring it up. Their first reaction is to think I'm joking. Then they get combative. They tend to use the same hypothetical to prove the folly of my position. It usually involves me, a miscellaneous loved one, and some sort of attacker. They ask, "So, if your loved one was being attacked, you'd just sit there and not fight back?" I wouldn't fight back, but I wouldn't sit there. I would do everything I could to extricate myself and my loved one from the situation. "What about self defense? Say someone walked up and punched you in the nose. You wouldn't hit them back?" No. And you know what? I have made it 34 years without ever being punched in the nose. The last time I even have a memory of being in a fight was probably with my younger brother when we were little. So a lot of it has to do with positioning myself so that I'm never put in a situation where I might be tempted to retaliate.
Why are you a pacifist? That is complicated and requires a long explanation. A lot of it has to do with what I believe. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe that this incarnation is not our last. I know there is no way to know this for certain, but I believe it. Because of this, I feel like if I'm going to be back, I want to live the way I eventually want the world to be. See, I can actually envision a world free of violence. I know it sounds insane and unrealistic, but I can picture it in my head. I also believe that violence begets violence. If you disagree, give me an example of a war that put an end to war. Tough to do. A common misconception is that a pacifist is someone who's always happy - head in the clouds - someone that never gets angry. I think those of you that have read my stuff for a while know I'm not like that. I get fucking steamed sometimes. I just choose not to let those feelings manifest themselves physically. I actually love to talk about shit like this with open-minded people. Sorry to be so heavy. Quick, someone tell a good fart joke.
Another Feather In Whitney Houston's Cap...
Documentary Film Of The Day - Rivers And Tides...
Highway To Heaven...
Link courtesy of Casual Slack.
Travel Tips: Part 5...
Media Bitchlick, Numero Dos...
The Supermarket Theory...
For All You Bill Hicks Fans...
Meet Saparmurat Niyazov...
- Niyazov is an authoritarian leader and is notorious in Western countries for the personality cult that he has established around himself in Turkmenistan. Claiming Turkmenistan to be a nation devoid of a national identity, he has attempted to rebuild the country to his own vision. He renamed the town of Krasnovodsk, on the Caspian Sea, Turkmenbashi after himself, in addition to renaming several schools, airports and even a meteorite after himself and his immediate family. Niyazov's face appears on all Manat banknotes and large portraits of the president hang all over the country, especially on major public buildings and avenues. Statues of himself and his mother are scattered all over Turkmenistan, including one in the middle of the Kara Kum desert as well as a gold-plated statue atop Ashgabat's largest building, the Neutrality Arch, that rotates so it will always face into the sun and shine light onto the capital city. Niyazov has commissioned a massive palace in Ashgabat commemorating his rule. He has been given the hero of Turkmenistan award five times. "I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want", Niyazov has said.
- The education system indoctrinates young Turkmen to love Niyazov, with his works and speeches making up most of their textbooks' content. The primary text is a national epic written by Niyazov, the Ruhnama or Book of the Soul. This book, a mixture of revisionist history and moral guidelines, is intended as the "spiritual guidance of the nation" and the basis of the nation's arts and literature. With Soviet-era textbooks banned without being replaced by new publications, libraries are left with little more than Niyazov's works. In 2004, the dictator ordered the closure of all rural libraries on the grounds that he thought that village Turkmen do not read. In Niyazov's home village of Kipchak, a complex has been built to the memory of his mother, including a mosque (est. at US$100 million) conceived as a symbol of the rebirth of the Turkmen people.
- As President-for-Life of Turkmenistan, he has issued many unconventional decrees, such as:
-In March 2004, dismissing 15,000 public health workers in wide-ranging cuts that particularly targeted nurses, midwives, school health visitors and orderlies.
-In April 2004, urging young people not to get gold tooth caps or gold teeth, suggesting instead that they chew on bones to preserve their teeth.
-In February 2005, ordering the closure of all hospitals outside Ashgabat, saying that if people were ill, they could come to the capital; also ordering the closure of all rural libraries of Turkmenistan, saying that ordinary Turkmen do not read books anyway.
-In November 2005, ordering that physicians swear an oath to himself instead of the Hippocratic Oath.
-In December 2005, banning video games, stating that they were too violent for young Turkmen to play.
-In January 2006, Russian media reported he had ordered to stop paying pensions to 1/3 (more than 100,000) of the country's elderly people, cutting pensions to another 200,000, and ordering to pay the pensions received in the past two years back to the State. This has supposedly resulted in a huge number of deaths of old people, who may have had their pension (ranging from US$10 to US$90) as the only source of money. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Turkmenistan strongly denied these allegations, accusing the media outlets of spreading "deliberately perverted" information on the issue.
Currently the U.S. maintains good relations with Turkmenistan and considers them a vital partner in the Global War On Terror. Information provided by Wikipedia.
Travel Tips: Part 4...
I happen to agree with a lot of what Soros says (surprise surprise). One thing that struck me is O'Reilly's shock at the fact that Soros says the "War On Terror" can't be won. Well, gentle reader, here's the thing - it can't. I've said this before. Ask yourself what conditions would be necessary to declare victory in the "War On Terror". I mean to WIN, not to BE WINNING. The only thing I can come up with is that every terrorist will either need to be captured or killed. Impossible. Just for the sake of argument, let's say we did just that - every known terrorist was killed or locked up. Then, the next day, someone blows themselves up in a market somewhere. Is the war back on? No. There is no war. Well, wait a second. If you like the prospect of perpetual war, then I suppose this is right up your alley.
Yet more evidence that O'Reilly is, in fact, a cunt-ass peehole.
America's *cough* Sweetheart...
I'm not sure if I should be shocked by how uppity she sounds or awed that she appears to be admitting how pathetic she is. I mean, even without all toilet cleaning and sheet changing, she STILL has trouble with parenthood.
Let's just make one thing clear. It's OUR government. It may be his administration. It may be his merry band of shithead misfits bent on alienating us from the rest of the planet while they run off with all the loot. It is not, however, HIS government, no matter what his simpleton fucking brain might believe.
The Top 10 Best "Top 101..." Shows Of All Time...
- 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops!
- 101 Starlicious Makeovers
- 101 Most Awesome Moments In Entertainment
- 101 Biggest Celebrity Oops!
- 101 Craziest TV Moments
- 101 Juiciest Hollywood Hookups
- 101 Most Shocking Moments In Entertainment
- 101 Reasons The '90s Ruled
- 101 Most Sensational Crimes Of Fashion
- 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets
Separated At Birth...
- My wardrobe largely consists of multicolored polo shirts. Like Andy, I favor the solid ones, but also own a few striped ones like in the picture above.
- I flat-out suck at meeting women.
- I look at the Q-Tip after cleaning out my ears to see how much wax was in there.
- I have a hobby that involves painstaking attention to detail. His was painting figurines. Mine is carving and painting fish.
- I watch Survivor (christ, how embarrassing).
- I get super nervous calling women. A lot of times I'll dial six of the numbers, but hesitate on the seventh until I decide I should wait until later.
- I live alone.
- I can remember being in situations with a bunch of guys and feeling awkward when the topic turned to sex. Just to clarify, not once did I think that a breast felt like a bag of sand.
- I often wake up with an erection which can create problems when it comes to urinating.
- I've been puked on while driving in a car. Granted, I puked on myself, but I can still relate to the feeling.
Is the same guy who played Grima Wormtongue in "Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers"
His name is Brad Dourif.
A Little Help...
Photo courtesy of Bells On blog.
I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, "The best means to gauge friendship is by how many comments they leave on your blog." Since this is about the 2-month anniversary of my foray into blogging, I thought I'd see just who Ben thinks my real friends are. These totals do not reflect the comments I received during my stint over on Grant's blog.
- Grant Miller - 41 comments
- Flannery Alden - 13 comments
- Frank Sirmarco - 11 comments
- Winter - 9 comments
- Vikkitikkitavi - 6 comments
- Dirty - 5 comments
- Echo - 5 comments
- Beth - 3 comments
- Big Orange - 3 comments
- Anonymous - 3 comments
- Lunar-fix - 2 comments
- Lulu - 2 comments
- Laaw-yuhr - 2 comments
- Newbluebaby - 2 comments
- Shroom-monkey - 2 comments
- Marni - 2 comments
- Sny Snoodles - 2 comments
The following each had one comment: Madison Guy, the tattered coat, powerbroker, Anne Altman, Coaster Punchman, Melinda June, getkristilove, Tenacious S, Julia, and Askinstoo
Grant, keep an eye out for the UPS truck. You've just won a Schwinn Stingray, a gift certificate for a free birthday cake from Roeser's Bakery located at 3216 W. North Ave., Chicago, IL, and a brand new $50 bill! Thanks to the rest of you for playing.
The Empire Carpet Guy...
**Edited to add: Thanks to the power of the internets, I found out that the man behind the mustache is one Lynn Hauldren. He has been doing the ads since 1973. He's also a decorated war hero and an accomplished baritone barbershop singer in the group Chordiac Arrest.
A Gift For Mr. G. Miller...
I don't consider myself either a democrat or republican. I think that both these parties have created a system in which they are untouchable and completely insulated from any sort of real scrutiny. Sure, every few years a couple deck chairs are rearranged, but as far as real progress or innovation when it comes to new ways to address old problems, these two parties have done jack shit in my opinion. It's probably obvious to my readers that I tend more towards the democrats, but I hate to be lumped in with them. There are plenty of democrats who still support failed policies and platforms such as the death penalty, the "war on drugs", antiquated views on gay marriage, and who continue to bring up the ridiculous idea of a "war on terror".
One thing that the republicans have always had in their back pockets was the ability to claim, by some strange distortion of the transitive property, that because the left is so anti-war, we are rooting for our enemies in most cases. In fact, I think Vice President Dick "Palpatine" Cheney just compared Connecticut voters, participating in their nation's democracy, to Al Qaeda sympathizers. I don't blame them. It's easy subterfuge and is emotional, if not dishonest and misleading. What I've noticed, especially recently, is that there is a glee that the republicans show every time there is some sort of terror warning or threat. They get fucking giddy that, thanks to the fact they have the populace scared shitless, another warning can only help their poll numbers and justify their inequities. Is it a good idea to keep in power a group that's success is so closely tied to the existence of the threat of terrorism? Is it in the best interest of republicans that terrorism be eliminated once and for all? I'd say no, but I'm afraid it might make baby Jesus cry.
Don't They Look Cute Together?...
- The Trip, Donovan, off of Sunshine Superman, 1966
- Here 'Tis, Ramsey Lewis, off of Stretchin' Out, 1960
- He's Misstra Know It All, Stevie Wonder, off of Innervisions, 1973
- Taste Of Honey, Herp Alpert And The Tijuana Brass, off of Whipped Cream & Other Delights, 1965
- Tiger Rag, Art Tatum, off of Piano Starts Here, 1949
- Nosey Joe, Brian Setzer Orchestra, off of Dirty Boogie, 1998
- Ballet For A Rainy Day, XTC, off of Skylarking, 1986
- Calypso, Robert Randolph & The Family Band, off of Unclassified, 2003
- Say You Miss Me, Wilco, off of Being There, 1996
- Bastard Wants To Hit Me, They Might Be Giants, off of The Spine, 2004
Asking The Right Questions...
Back in March, the president was in India. I saw a news clip about how he was going to lay a wreath at a Gandhi memorial. It struck me as odd at the time considering the vast gulf between how the two approached problems. They seem so diametrically opposed. I also know of the strict religious beliefs Dubya holds, beliefs that I feel often cloud his judgment. If I were in the press corps at the time, I would've asked this:
"Mr. President, do you believe that Gandhi is in hell?"
Now, let's examine his possible responses based on what we know about his religion.
If he says yes: Then he looks like a cruel asshole - or at least more than he already does. He would be saying that no matter how good a life you lead, if you aren't for Jesus, you ain't getting in. This is what I suspect he honestly believes. Most people in the world would be shocked.
If he says no: Then he is saying that NOT all non-Christians are hell-bound, something his "base" would be unhappy to hear. I suppose you could follow this up and ask "Then is he in heaven?" If he says yes, major problems. That means that non-Christians can get into heaven. If he says no, then he's not in heaven and not in hell. Where is he? At this point, I think Dubya would short circuit trying to figure a way out. Either way, most of his fundie friends would be shocked.
If he waffles and doesn't give a definitive answer: Again, his base is pissed. They think of him as a no-nonsense, straight shooter. There isn't a lot of ambiguity in the question. It's yes or no. Any sign of doubt on his part would be just as bad as saying no. Again, his fundie friends would be shocked at his hesitation.
I have some others I'll share another time...