Fox News Roll Call: Shepard Smith

Shepard "Shep" Smith is the host of "Fox Report With Shepard Smith" each weekday at 7:00 P.M. EST. First of all, "Shep" is something you name a sheepdog or a character in a Coen Brothers flick. It is NOT an appropriate name for a newscaster. Is it me or is this guy just a warmed-over Bob Eubanks wannabe?

I Have Arrived...

Yep. I've been tagged. Thanks, Echo. Unfortunately it's about reading or books or some shit.

A Book That Has Changed Your Life:
Journey Of Souls by Michael Newton. Sure, it's new-agey and all you cynics and skeptics can poo-poo it, but it comes the closest to representing my perception of the afterlife, reincarnation, and all that jazz. It was a book that indirectly showed me that it's cool that I don't buy into the whole "church" scene.
A Book That I've Read More Than Once:
Hooper Humperdink...? Not Him! by Theo Le Sieg. My favorite children's book growing up. My mom found an early version like the one I had when I was a kid and gave it to me. It meant a lot.
A Book That Makes You Laugh:
Braindroppings by George Carlin. A lot of Carlin's books are just rehashes of his act. However, there was enough original material in Braindroppings to make it worthwhile. Some parts are so funny I was temporarily paralyzed from laughing so hard.
A Book That Makes You Cry:
Anything written by a right-winger.
Book You Wish You Had Written:
The Bible by God. It'd be a lot different and have WAY more toilet humor in it.
Book You Wish Had Never Been Written:
Same answer as books that make me cry.
Book You Are Currently Reading:
The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. I just started so I can't really comment, other than to say anything involving Bill Moyers has GOT to be good.
Book You've Been Meaning To Read:
Masturbation For Dummies. For some reason, Amazon doesn't have a link for it yet.

Alright, Frank. You're it!

Maybe The Guys From "South Park" Were Right...

It could be that this is some sort of Scientology custom I'm not aware of. Again, I throw this out there for you to decide for yourself, not because I think it's wrong in any way. I wish people felt free to be who they really are.

Are You Ready For Some (Fantasy) Football!...

Since it appears the bulk of my audience is female, I'm guessing it's a resounding "No!", but hey, I could be wrong. This is the second year I'm doing this and last night was my first "live draft". I have a mediocre knowledge of the players, but not enough to be confident. What I learned last season is that a lot of it is plain 'ol dumb luck. Anyway, here is my lineup:
  1. Tom Brady - QB, New England
  2. LaMont Jordan - RB, Oakland
  3. Reggie Bush - RB, New Orleans
  4. Chad Johnson - WR, Cincinnati
  5. Deion Branch - WR, New England
  6. Rod Smith - W/R, Denver
  7. Jason Witten - TE, Dallas
  8. Adam Vinatieri - K, Indianapolis
  9. Carolina Panthers defense

After the draft I found out that Branch is having contract problems with the Pats and that Vinatieri is injured, so I could be screwed.



You guys know my feelings on boobs, but ay chihuahua!


As I've probably mentioned, I am not a shopper. I consume very little. I use things until they barely retain the properties of a solid. For instance, so far this year my new clothing purchases have consisted of a 12-pack of white crew socks and a couple 3-packs of boxer shorts. I'm not kidding. The only thing even approaching a chain store in my town is a Dollar General that I've been in once. Petoskey, the town I work in, has a Wal-Mart, a K-Mart, an Office Max, a Home Depot, and an old-fashioned JC Penneys unlike the kind you find at a mall. They are currently constructing a Lowes and a Bed Bath & Beyond.

Recently, the mother of the guy I work with asked if I had seen the new Bed Bath & Beyond going in. I said yes.

"Aren't you excited?" She asked

In her defense, she doesn't really know about my disdain for unnecessary consumption. I tend to keep it to myself.

"Yeah, I'm on the edge of my fucking seat. In fact, I can't wait to bring my new flannel dust ruffle and platinum shower curtain rings up to the register knowing that .00001% of my sale will go to a 12-year-old Malaysian girl. That is the embodiment of satisfaction for me."

People, I beg you. Stop buying shit you don't need!

Republicans: The Party Of Hope And Positivity...

This pretty much says it all.

Another Fucking Movie Alert...

O.K. I have not seen this film, but I've read a lot about it. It's supposed to be very good. Unfortunately, it won't be playing anywhere near me, but I thought I'd give a head's up to those of you that can see it. The film was made by Kirby Dick and Eddie Schmidt, two guys who have made a few documentaries I've really liked, such as Twist Of Faith, Chain Camera, and Sick: The Life & Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist. This Film Is Not Yet Rated is an exposé of the secretive operation of the MPAA, the organization that determines what rating a movie gets. It addresses the discrepancies and inconsistencies between the rating of independent films and mainstream Hollwood fare. The filmmakers actually hired private investigators to find out who exactly sits on this board. Up until this point, the identities of the members had been secret. Considering the trememdous influence these people have over the marketability of films, is it right for there to be no accountability and no established criteria for why a movie is rated the way it is? This film intends to find out. HERE is a list of places the film will be playing.


T-Ball Scouting Report...

Front Row (L to R):
Chris: A talented infielder who comes from money, so his mom can be counted on for kick-ass post-game snacks.
Mitchell: A true student of the game. A head of bright red hair does a good job of distracting opposing batters.
Eric: Packs a big bat. Always claims he is going to "hit a granny" even if no one is on base.
Jon: Not too good. A little TOO happy.
Micky: Terrible. Best bet is to stick him in left field and let him hold his crotch.
Mike: Lacks intesity. Throws like my sister. Best to put him at catcher where his sole job is to put the ball on the tee.
Rusty: One of the few players who can catch the ball dependably. Has a bitchin' Catfish Hunter signature glove.
Back Row: (L to R):
Trey: Useless. Stands at the plate like he's waiting for a bus.
James: As they say in Texas, all hat, no cattle. Knows the rules, just can't execute.
Kenny: The renegade. Wears red just to be different. If you can keep him in line and off the sauce, he can be a big run producer.
Chris: Good fundamentals, but no speed. Runs like he's got a sack of cement in his drawers.
Derrick: His family goes to the Wisconsin Dells for half the fucking season.
Don, the coach: A little too conservative on the basepaths, but knows how to get the best out of his pitching. Unfortunately, that is of little use in T-ball.

The Commercial That Creates The Condition It's Product Is Intended To Cure...

Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.

Documentary Film Of The Day - Harlan County, U.S.A....

I don't know about you, but I have no memory of ever learning about labor struggles in this country while in school. Most of the time was spent on wars and political matters. In my adult years I've been learning more and more the things that were withheld. For those of you interested in a comprehensive alternative look at American History, I still recommend Howard Zinn's book, A People's History Of The United States, 1492-Present. I've found documentaries to be another good source of a lot of the untold history of our country. Barbara Kopple made two Oscar-winning films about labor struggles. One was American Dream about a meatpacker's strike in Minnesota. The other was Harlan County, U.S.A. It follows the story of coal miners in Harlan County, Kentucky trying to organize while being threatened by agents of the mine owners - scabs and gun thugs. A lot of times people assume documentaries are dry and clinical. This one is not. The camera is right in the middle of a lot of intense situations involving angry, armed individuals. There is also a lot of footage that illustrates what a miner's life is like, both in the mine and out. It is shot the way I prefer, with minimal interaction between the camera and the subject. A fascinating piece of history.


Hook, Line, And Sinker, Suckas!...

Karr won't be charged over JonBenet: TV

I knew this guy didn't do it. I'd like to thank our outstanding media for an utter waste of everyone's time. I would expect Mr. Karr to parlay his notoriety into some sort of "Reality TV" appearance - maybe the next season of "The Surreal Life" or perhaps a new show called "Weird-Ass Dudes Who Confess To Disgusting Crimes And Don't Mind The Fact That Their Shit Is Gonna Get Fucked With In Prison, No Doubt, Even Though They Didn't Do It". Bear in mind this is just a working title.

Emmy Awards 2006 Re-cap...

-Joan Rivers is a nit-wit.
-Rampant cleavage.
-Jaclyn Smith has still got it goin' on!
-Lame speeches.
-More rampant cleavage.
-Steve Carell gets robbed by Antonio from the show "Wings".
-Christopher Hitchens flips off the audience (oops, I was flipping back & forth between a "Real Time With Bill Maher" episode I missed.)

**Edited to add: I'm not gay. I swear. And I refuse to use the overused "Seinfeld" line about homosexuality because, let's face it, at this point it is trite.


A Moment Of Discovery...

Surely you know by now that I'm fascinated by mundane bullshit. This video should help illustrate that.

Public Service Announcement...

About four years ago I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles renewing my driver's license. I had to take the vision test and I noticed it was a little tougher than I remembered it being. Until this point I had never worn glasses and had 20/20 vision so I never had any reason to get my eyes checked. It seemed odd, so I figured I'd go get an eye exam just in case. It turned out that I have a rare form of Glaucoma called "Pigmentary Glaucoma". Unlike regular Glaucoma, which is found mainly in older people, it affects primarily white males in their 20s and 30s. There is no cure once the damage is done. Had I not had it diagnosed when I did, I would most likely be blind today. You see, Glaucoma is known as a "silent killer". It sneaks up on you and before you know it *BAM* you're blind. If you have never worn glasses, I urge you to get an eye exam even if you think you don't need one. It doesn't take long. Luckily, I caught it before too much damage was done. I treat it (keep it from getting worse) by taking eyedrops twice a day for the rest of my life. It's funny, I never would've imagined I'd owe a debt of gratitude to the DMV!



Growing up, I enjoyed playing sports and I did well in school. However, neither of these things was as important to me as knowing I could make people laugh. Knowing I was able to get people laughing to the point where they couldn't breathe was critical. It's still very important to me. I think it's because laughter always wins. Think about it. When you are trying your hardest to suppress laughter, it never works, like in school or in church. Or how about those times when you're really in a bad mood, but someone does something hilarious, you crack up in spite of yourself. At least I do. Not that there aren't times to be serious, but even those times could benefit from a little levity so that we don't get too full of ourselves. The video below is of me losing it watching "Family Guy". For fellow dorks that would know, it's the episode where Meg and Neil Goldman work at the news station and Neil's family is over for dinner. Neil's dad, the voice of the guy from the "Jerky Boys", is describing a disgusting first kiss.

You Know What I Can't Stand?...

People who think George W. Bush is cool.

He ain't.


Best Live Shows Ever...

Frank inspired me to chronicle my favorite live music shows. Since I moved away from Chicago I've really missed having access to great concerts pretty much any week of the year. I definitely preferred the more intimate venues than the stadium shows. A few favorites include:
  1. Ween, White Pepper tour, at The Vic in Chicago. Ween does their shows right. No opener and no nonsense. Plus, they play forever and do a good job of mixing up their playlist with older stuff and newer stuff. I think they were on for 3-1/2 hours.
  2. Dick Dale - King of surf guitar, at The Cubby Bear in Chicago. You probably know Dick from his famous tune "Miserlou" from "Pulp Fiction". He's another no-nonsense guy. He just walked on stage and went to town. He also stayed after the show and bullshitted with people.
  3. Reverend Horton Heat at The Double Door in Chicago. The Double Door is a great mid-sized place to see a show. This was the first time I even listened to the Reverend and they didn't disappoint. After seeing the show I went and bought all their albums.
  4. Dirty Dozen Brass Band at Martyr's in Chicago. This place is smaller than the Double Door, so a large New Orleans brass band had no trouble being heard. I actually went to see Squirrel Nut Zippers open, but the Dirty Dozen's performance stole the show.
  5. Medeski, Martin, & Wood at The Riviera in Chicago. This one was fun because thanks to a connection, I had VIP seating. It was very different from the other shows I described - more cerebral. Again, a long set without a lame opener.

Four Word Review...

Sugar free candy blows.

Wonder Showzen...

Yes, I know. It's hard to keep up with all my recommendations and it's very possible that I'm behind the times on this one. I had never seen this show until last night. It has all the elements that I look for in comedy: vulgarity, irony, fucking with people, and exploiting taboo subjects for laughs. It's basically the Sesame Street version me and my friends would make if we had control of programming. Here is a sampling of what the show is like:

Clarence, the blue puppet has one goal - to annoy the shit out of whoever he can.


A Kick-Ass Painting...

For some reason my posts recently have focused on the arts. I wanted to take a second to talk about paintings. I don't know shit about paintings. I could give a fuck about brush strokes or use of color or any other criteria people use to critique art. I appreciate paintings on a purely visceral level. I look at them and either like them or don't. The one above, Christ's Entry into Brussels in 1889, by James Ensor happens to be the one I like best (for now). I have spent a grand total of about four days in Los Angeles in my life. The one thing I did want to catch while I was there was the Getty Museum because of the architecture. This where I first saw this amazing piece of art. It's actually 14' wide by 8' tall. It's full of all kinds of strange characters with Jesus at the center. When I saw the artist, I recognized the name from the song "Meet James Ensor" by They Might Be Giants. A print of it now hangs in my living room.

Documentary Film Of The Day - The Cutting Edge: The Magic Of Movie Editing...

O.K. I know what you're thinking. A documentary about movie editing sounds about as interesting as (insert lame cliche of something that's really boring). I suppose it would be to people who aren't big movie fans. However, for those of us who watch a lot of film, this was a real eye-opener. Until watching this I hadn't considered the tremendous influence editors have over the movies we see. A bunch of well-known filmmakers like Scorsese and Spielberg contribute their thoughts on the importance of good editing. We also get to see a sort of timeline of clips from films that are considered innovative in terms of their editing. Seeing this film has really affected how I watch movies. If you are interested in the behind-the-scenes stuff that goes on in movie making, you'll probably like this film.


Music That Makes You Happy...

I was watching Spike Lee's documentary about Katrina and New Orleans last night. I'm not going to write about it other than to say that I thought it was very good. The movie opened with a Louis Armstrong tune. It reminded me of how happy Louis' music makes me every time I hear it. Even his sadder songs, like "Black And Blue". It's primarily his trumpet that gets me. Not to say that he isn't a phenomenal vocalist - he is. It's just something about hearing one of his solos and the genius that goes into each note that makes me smile. It'd be hard to think of another artist that is able to lighten my mood as consistently as Louis Armstrong. I'd love to hear what kinds of music make you guys happy.

I Am Dumb...

I just now realized that those videos down the page that I raved about as being a great technological step forward were set as "private" for some reason. That meant no one could see them but me. Now they are public and can be viewed by everyone. Dig in!

Speaking Of Fart Jokes...

This is from the pinko commie rag, U.S. News & World Report:

Animal House in the West Wing

He loves to cuss, gets a jolly when a mountain biker wipes out trying to keep up with him, and now we're learning that the first frat boy loves flatulence jokes. A top insider let that slip when explaining why President Bush is paranoid around women, always worried about his behavior. But he's still a funny, earthy guy who, for example, can't get enough of fart jokes. He's also known to cut a few for laughs, especially when greeting new young aides, but forget about getting people to gas about that.

It depresses me to know that we find the same things funny.

A Confession...

I like this whole blog thing. It's been a lot of fun. I've been able to poke fun at politicians and show business-types, and I've encountered a lot of people who are extremely funny and nice. Now it's time to get serious. Time to open up to you - the reader. What better place to bear my innermost feelings than to a bunch of faceless internet surfers. The time has come to emerge from the shadows and reveal my true self. Deep breath. O.K. Here goes...

I am a pacifist.

Whew. Man. That felt good. Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "So what? What's the big deal?" Well, you'd be amazed how many people have gotten pissed off when I tell them this. People really get upset. Enough so that I'm cautious to ever bring it up. Their first reaction is to think I'm joking. Then they get combative. They tend to use the same hypothetical to prove the folly of my position. It usually involves me, a miscellaneous loved one, and some sort of attacker. They ask, "So, if your loved one was being attacked, you'd just sit there and not fight back?" I wouldn't fight back, but I wouldn't sit there. I would do everything I could to extricate myself and my loved one from the situation. "What about self defense? Say someone walked up and punched you in the nose. You wouldn't hit them back?" No. And you know what? I have made it 34 years without ever being punched in the nose. The last time I even have a memory of being in a fight was probably with my younger brother when we were little. So a lot of it has to do with positioning myself so that I'm never put in a situation where I might be tempted to retaliate.

Why are you a pacifist? That is complicated and requires a long explanation. A lot of it has to do with what I believe. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe that this incarnation is not our last. I know there is no way to know this for certain, but I believe it. Because of this, I feel like if I'm going to be back, I want to live the way I eventually want the world to be. See, I can actually envision a world free of violence. I know it sounds insane and unrealistic, but I can picture it in my head. I also believe that violence begets violence. If you disagree, give me an example of a war that put an end to war. Tough to do. A common misconception is that a pacifist is someone who's always happy - head in the clouds - someone that never gets angry. I think those of you that have read my stuff for a while know I'm not like that. I get fucking steamed sometimes. I just choose not to let those feelings manifest themselves physically. I actually love to talk about shit like this with open-minded people. Sorry to be so heavy. Quick, someone tell a good fart joke.


Another Feather In Whitney Houston's Cap...

As if Whitney's fairytale life couldn't get any better, looks like someone wants to give Bobby a run for his money. Read all about Whitney's secret admirer HERE.

Documentary Film Of The Day - Rivers And Tides...

Prior to seeing this film, I had been a fan of the artwork of Andy Goldsworthy. Andy is a soft-spoken man from Scotland. His artwork consists of taking natural elements (rocks, sticks, ice, flowers, etc.) and rearranging them in very dramatic ways. Like nature, his work is always in flux and can be very temporary, sometimes lasting just long enough to snap a picture before wind or changing tides destroy what took hours to create. Andy has incredible patience and it shows in this movie. This is a movie for when you just want to relax. It is very soothing, but also provides a great look at the creative process that takes place. Even if you don't see this film, next time you're at a bookstore, look him up. The stuff he does is incredible.


Highway To Heaven...

In order to ensure our unfettered entry through the pearly gates, my pal Frank and I have created our first spin-off blog. Thanks to this church sign generator site, we are now offering a blog entitled "Progressive Christianity". I hope that none of my christian readership will take offense, because none is intended. It's merely another daily diversion to elevate the humor of an increasingly disgruntled populace. If anyone has their own ideas, either send the caption you'd like to see or a completed jpeg to someguy@andsomeguy.com. If we use yours you will be duly credited and will receive eternal salvation.


Progressive Christianity...

I could have a whole mess o'fun with this baby!

Link courtesy of Casual Slack.

Travel Tips: Part 5...

Trying to play frisbee on the famous grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas can prove awkward.

Media Bitchlick, Numero Dos...

You know, as much as I rag on O'Reilly, John Gibson isn't too far behind in the "idiot douchebags with giant heads" competition. This guy wrote some shitty-ass book about how there's a, get this, War On Christmas! Are you fucking kidding me!? Let me just say to you, Gibby, fuck you. Fuck you and the dipshit moron herd that buys your limp-dick screed. Nice hair, by the way. It goes great with that monstrous melon you've got riding atop your shoulders.


The Supermarket Theory...

You've probably heard this theory if you've ever been single. It usually comes from a sympathetic older person, like a mother or grandmother. The theory proposes that, if you are single and looking (and frustrated), not to worry. It will just happen, probably when you least expect it, like at the supermarket. I don't want to get a reputation as the guy who's constantly whining about his lovelife (it may be too late), but whoever believes this theory sure doesn't shop at the same supermarket that I do. The only women I see look like THIS. (Warning! Not safe for work, kids, & may be vomit inducing.)

For All You Bill Hicks Fans...

I just saw this ARTICLE about one of my heroes. Those of you who still refuse to listen to this man's comedy need to get up off your dead asses and go buy his stuff. Start with the album "Relentless". If you like it, get "Rant In E-Minor". It is about as caustically hilarious as any person has ever been.

Meet Saparmurat Niyazov...

Saparmurat, or "Turkmenbashi" as his friends call him, is the President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers. He seems like a pretty fun guy. You be the judge (a little long, but worth it):
  • Niyazov is an authoritarian leader and is notorious in Western countries for the personality cult that he has established around himself in Turkmenistan. Claiming Turkmenistan to be a nation devoid of a national identity, he has attempted to rebuild the country to his own vision. He renamed the town of Krasnovodsk, on the Caspian Sea, Turkmenbashi after himself, in addition to renaming several schools, airports and even a meteorite after himself and his immediate family. Niyazov's face appears on all Manat banknotes and large portraits of the president hang all over the country, especially on major public buildings and avenues. Statues of himself and his mother are scattered all over Turkmenistan, including one in the middle of the Kara Kum desert as well as a gold-plated statue atop Ashgabat's largest building, the Neutrality Arch, that rotates so it will always face into the sun and shine light onto the capital city. Niyazov has commissioned a massive palace in Ashgabat commemorating his rule. He has been given the hero of Turkmenistan award five times. "I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want", Niyazov has said.
  • The education system indoctrinates young Turkmen to love Niyazov, with his works and speeches making up most of their textbooks' content. The primary text is a national epic written by Niyazov, the Ruhnama or Book of the Soul. This book, a mixture of revisionist history and moral guidelines, is intended as the "spiritual guidance of the nation" and the basis of the nation's arts and literature. With Soviet-era textbooks banned without being replaced by new publications, libraries are left with little more than Niyazov's works. In 2004, the dictator ordered the closure of all rural libraries on the grounds that he thought that village Turkmen do not read. In Niyazov's home village of Kipchak, a complex has been built to the memory of his mother, including a mosque (est. at US$100 million) conceived as a symbol of the rebirth of the Turkmen people.
  • As President-for-Life of Turkmenistan, he has issued many unconventional decrees, such as:
    -In March 2004, dismissing 15,000 public health workers in wide-ranging cuts that particularly targeted nurses, midwives, school health visitors and orderlies.
    -In April 2004, urging young people not to get gold tooth caps or gold teeth, suggesting instead that they chew on bones to preserve their teeth.
    -In February 2005, ordering the closure of all hospitals outside Ashgabat, saying that if people were ill, they could come to the capital; also ordering the closure of all rural libraries of Turkmenistan, saying that ordinary Turkmen do not read books anyway.
    -In November 2005, ordering that physicians swear an oath to himself instead of the Hippocratic Oath.
    -In December 2005, banning video games, stating that they were too violent for young Turkmen to play.
    -In January 2006, Russian media reported he had ordered to stop paying pensions to 1/3 (more than 100,000) of the country's elderly people, cutting pensions to another 200,000, and ordering to pay the pensions received in the past two years back to the State. This has supposedly resulted in a huge number of deaths of old people, who may have had their pension (ranging from US$10 to US$90) as the only source of money. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Turkmenistan strongly denied these allegations, accusing the media outlets of spreading "deliberately perverted" information on the issue.

Currently the U.S. maintains good relations with Turkmenistan and considers them a vital partner in the Global War On Terror. Information provided by Wikipedia.

Travel Tips: Part 4...

The ruins of the Branch Davidian compound outside of Waco, Texas are open to tourists. Admission is free, but donations are welcome. Pre-printed maps are available at the Waco Chamber Of Commerce.


O'Reilly Redux...

O'Reilly really seems to have a hard-on for George Soros. He can't stop talking about him. I have heard him on many occassions state that no one cares what Soros says, and then continues to devote segment after segment on him and the things he's said. The latest bug in O'Reilly's ass has to do with THIS article Soros wrote for the Wall Street Journal. O'Reilly didn't like it - surprise surprise! Media Matters has his response from his radio show HERE.

I happen to agree with a lot of what Soros says (surprise surprise). One thing that struck me is O'Reilly's shock at the fact that Soros says the "War On Terror" can't be won. Well, gentle reader, here's the thing - it can't. I've said this before. Ask yourself what conditions would be necessary to declare victory in the "War On Terror". I mean to WIN, not to BE WINNING. The only thing I can come up with is that every terrorist will either need to be captured or killed. Impossible. Just for the sake of argument, let's say we did just that - every known terrorist was killed or locked up. Then, the next day, someone blows themselves up in a market somewhere. Is the war back on? No. There is no war. Well, wait a second. If you like the prospect of perpetual war, then I suppose this is right up your alley.

Yet more evidence that O'Reilly is, in fact, a cunt-ass peehole.


A friend of mine just sent this to me. Excuse me while I weep. Sorry it's not too clear. Click on it for a better look.

America's *cough* Sweetheart...

Gwyneth Paltrow tells Harper's Bazaar in the September issue: "I do not know how single mothers have more than one child with no help. It requires so much of my life, and I don't have to change sheets and clean toilets, you know."

I'm not sure if I should be shocked by how uppity she sounds or awed that she appears to be admitting how pathetic she is. I mean, even without all toilet cleaning and sheet changing, she STILL has trouble with parenthood.

Whose Government?...

There have been a few times, while forcing myself to listen to another shitty Dubya speech, that I've thought I heard him refer to the government as "my government". Most of the time I chalked it up to the fact that he is an idiot and can't speak well. I decided to see if my memory was correct. Sure enough, after doing an internet search ("George Bush"+"my government"), I found numerous occassions where the president said this. It makes sense. His actions while in office certainly suggest that he believes that while he's in office, the government is his - he can do with it what he wants.

Let's just make one thing clear. It's OUR government. It may be his administration. It may be his merry band of shithead misfits bent on alienating us from the rest of the planet while they run off with all the loot. It is not, however, HIS government, no matter what his simpleton fucking brain might believe.


The Top 10 Best "Top 101..." Shows Of All Time...

  1. 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops!
  2. 101 Starlicious Makeovers
  3. 101 Most Awesome Moments In Entertainment
  4. 101 Biggest Celebrity Oops!
  5. 101 Craziest TV Moments
  6. 101 Juiciest Hollywood Hookups
  7. 101 Most Shocking Moments In Entertainment
  8. 101 Reasons The '90s Ruled
  9. 101 Most Sensational Crimes Of Fashion
  10. 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets

Separated At Birth...

A lot of you have probably seen "The 40 Year Old Virgin". It's very good and, surprisingly, has a lot of heart. Apart from the fact that I'm not yet 40 and not a virgin, I couldn't help noticing how many things I have in common with Andy Stitzer, Steve Carell's character:
  1. My wardrobe largely consists of multicolored polo shirts. Like Andy, I favor the solid ones, but also own a few striped ones like in the picture above.
  2. I flat-out suck at meeting women.
  3. I look at the Q-Tip after cleaning out my ears to see how much wax was in there.
  4. I have a hobby that involves painstaking attention to detail. His was painting figurines. Mine is carving and painting fish.
  5. I watch Survivor (christ, how embarrassing).
  6. I get super nervous calling women. A lot of times I'll dial six of the numbers, but hesitate on the seventh until I decide I should wait until later.
  7. I live alone.
  8. I can remember being in situations with a bunch of guys and feeling awkward when the topic turned to sex. Just to clarify, not once did I think that a breast felt like a bag of sand.
  9. I often wake up with an erection which can create problems when it comes to urinating.
  10. I've been puked on while driving in a car. Granted, I puked on myself, but I can still relate to the feeling.


This is another Netflix heads-up for those of you like me that don't get Showtime. I recently watched the first season of this show and liked it a lot. It is refreshing to see a show about drugs that isn't set in the inner city. This show is further proof that the best place to get quality television is on the premium cable channels. For one thing, they can swear. This adds a whole other level of realism that network television just can't achieve. I also like the intoxicating song at the opening of the show - Little Boxes by Malvina Reynolds. It's currently the song on my MySpace page for those who don't know it.


Holy Shit...

I never realized that the same guy who played Billy Bibbit in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"

Is the same guy who played Grima Wormtongue in "Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers"

His name is Brad Dourif.

Car Singing...

This YouTube thing could be habit forming. Like many of you, I like to sing in the car. I like to sing loud. Here's me doing a little singalong with Jack & KG this past winter. For those of you not familiar with "The D", this isn't safe for work or around small children.

A Little Help...

Does anyone know the preferred spelling - is it beotch, beyotch, biatch, biotch, bee-otch, or maybe it's Spanish with double-els - billoch. Is there a consensus?

Photo courtesy of Bells On blog.


I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, "The best means to gauge friendship is by how many comments they leave on your blog." Since this is about the 2-month anniversary of my foray into blogging, I thought I'd see just who Ben thinks my real friends are. These totals do not reflect the comments I received during my stint over on Grant's blog.

  1. Grant Miller - 41 comments
  2. Flannery Alden - 13 comments
  3. Frank Sirmarco - 11 comments
  4. Winter - 9 comments
  5. Vikkitikkitavi - 6 comments
  6. Dirty - 5 comments
  7. Echo - 5 comments
  8. Beth - 3 comments
  9. Big Orange - 3 comments
  10. Anonymous - 3 comments
  11. Lunar-fix - 2 comments
  12. Lulu - 2 comments
  13. Laaw-yuhr - 2 comments
  14. Newbluebaby - 2 comments
  15. Shroom-monkey - 2 comments
  16. Marni - 2 comments
  17. Sny Snoodles - 2 comments

The following each had one comment: Madison Guy, the tattered coat, powerbroker, Anne Altman, Coaster Punchman, Melinda June, getkristilove, Tenacious S, Julia, and Askinstoo

Grant, keep an eye out for the UPS truck. You've just won a Schwinn Stingray, a gift certificate for a free birthday cake from Roeser's Bakery located at 3216 W. North Ave., Chicago, IL, and a brand new $50 bill! Thanks to the rest of you for playing.

The Empire Carpet Guy...

Those of you who have spent an extended period of time in the Chicagoland area know this guy. I was back visiting recently and saw his ad with the jingle that is burned into my memory. It struck me that this guy, whose name I don't know, has been doing this commercial for as long as I can remember. At least 25 years. He's really had quite a run. Hell, he's even got his own bobblehead - a sure sign in this country that you have arrived. I wonder what has attributed to his staying power as a carpet pitch-man. All I know is that if advertising success is measured by how well people can remember your phone number, this outfit is at the fucking forefront. 800-588-2300 - Empire, bitches!

**Edited to add: Thanks to the power of the internets, I found out that the man behind the mustache is one Lynn Hauldren. He has been doing the ads since 1973. He's also a decorated war hero and an accomplished baritone barbershop singer in the group Chordiac Arrest.


A Gift For Mr. G. Miller...

Ms. Portman attempting to smuggle raisins and not doing a very good job at all.


"All governments are lying cocksuckers." - Bill Hicks

I don't consider myself either a democrat or republican. I think that both these parties have created a system in which they are untouchable and completely insulated from any sort of real scrutiny. Sure, every few years a couple deck chairs are rearranged, but as far as real progress or innovation when it comes to new ways to address old problems, these two parties have done jack shit in my opinion. It's probably obvious to my readers that I tend more towards the democrats, but I hate to be lumped in with them. There are plenty of democrats who still support failed policies and platforms such as the death penalty, the "war on drugs", antiquated views on gay marriage, and who continue to bring up the ridiculous idea of a "war on terror".

One thing that the republicans have always had in their back pockets was the ability to claim, by some strange distortion of the transitive property, that because the left is so anti-war, we are rooting for our enemies in most cases. In fact, I think Vice President Dick "Palpatine" Cheney just compared Connecticut voters, participating in their nation's democracy, to Al Qaeda sympathizers. I don't blame them. It's easy subterfuge and is emotional, if not dishonest and misleading. What I've noticed, especially recently, is that there is a glee that the republicans show every time there is some sort of terror warning or threat. They get fucking giddy that, thanks to the fact they have the populace scared shitless, another warning can only help their poll numbers and justify their inequities. Is it a good idea to keep in power a group that's success is so closely tied to the existence of the threat of terrorism? Is it in the best interest of republicans that terrorism be eliminated once and for all? I'd say no, but I'm afraid it might make baby Jesus cry.

Netflix Alert...

Now, before you get all nervous, this picture is not an ad for some white supremacy group I'm endorsing. As you know, in my blog I like to highlight certain documentary films. This one is a "mockumentary" called C.S.A.: The Confederate States Of America. It resembles a Ken Burns-style history show that explains the rise of the Confederate States Of America and their defeat of the north in the Civil War in the context of modern times. It is an often disturbing look at what the country might be today if the south had prevailed and slavery had survived. Interspersed are phony commercial breaks that are both funny and disturbing, with spots for "Darky" toothpaste and "Niggerhair" tobacco products - both things that were actual products at some point. This film could've been hokey, but I thought it was well done and had a good balance of humor, history, and stuff to make you think. It just came out on DVD, so those of you with Netflix, add it to your queues. A website for the film can be found HERE.


Don't They Look Cute Together?...

Like two peas in some unholy, sinister pod.
Sorry to C & L for the blatant rip-off.


It struck me that I haven't spent too much time on this blog talking about music. I like music a lot. I have a lot of CDs and there is no rhyme or reason to my musical taste as you can see HERE. Just for kicks, here are the last ten songs that randomly played on my iTunes:
  1. The Trip, Donovan, off of Sunshine Superman, 1966
  2. Here 'Tis, Ramsey Lewis, off of Stretchin' Out, 1960
  3. He's Misstra Know It All, Stevie Wonder, off of Innervisions, 1973
  4. Taste Of Honey, Herp Alpert And The Tijuana Brass, off of Whipped Cream & Other Delights, 1965
  5. Tiger Rag, Art Tatum, off of Piano Starts Here, 1949
  6. Nosey Joe, Brian Setzer Orchestra, off of Dirty Boogie, 1998
  7. Ballet For A Rainy Day, XTC, off of Skylarking, 1986
  8. Calypso, Robert Randolph & The Family Band, off of Unclassified, 2003
  9. Say You Miss Me, Wilco, off of Being There, 1996
  10. Bastard Wants To Hit Me, They Might Be Giants, off of The Spine, 2004

Asking The Right Questions...

A lot of my frustration with the press these days comes from their inability to ask good questions. In my opinion they are far to willing to let Dubya, Tony Snow, or any other mouthpiece du jour the opportunity to slip back into their comfy, cozy talking points about how fightin' terrah is hard work and how we're makin' progress, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, the daily press briefing is nothing but a joke. Good luck being able to dredge up Dick Cheney to address the myriad of unanswered questions facing him. I have a few questions I'd pose. For some of you, this one is a bit of a rerun, so I apologize.

Back in March, the president was in India. I saw a news clip about how he was going to lay a wreath at a Gandhi memorial. It struck me as odd at the time considering the vast gulf between how the two approached problems. They seem so diametrically opposed. I also know of the strict religious beliefs Dubya holds, beliefs that I feel often cloud his judgment. If I were in the press corps at the time, I would've asked this:

"Mr. President, do you believe that Gandhi is in hell?"

Now, let's examine his possible responses based on what we know about his religion.

If he says yes: Then he looks like a cruel asshole - or at least more than he already does. He would be saying that no matter how good a life you lead, if you aren't for Jesus, you ain't getting in. This is what I suspect he honestly believes. Most people in the world would be shocked.

If he says no: Then he is saying that NOT all non-Christians are hell-bound, something his "base" would be unhappy to hear. I suppose you could follow this up and ask "Then is he in heaven?" If he says yes, major problems. That means that non-Christians can get into heaven. If he says no, then he's not in heaven and not in hell. Where is he? At this point, I think Dubya would short circuit trying to figure a way out. Either way, most of his fundie friends would be shocked.

If he waffles and doesn't give a definitive answer: Again, his base is pissed. They think of him as a no-nonsense, straight shooter. There isn't a lot of ambiguity in the question. It's yes or no. Any sign of doubt on his part would be just as bad as saying no. Again, his fundie friends would be shocked at his hesitation.

I have some others I'll share another time...


Travel Tips: Part 3...

If you think you can't get french fries at Taco Bells in Alberta, Canada, you're mistaken. In fact, there's a good chance you can purchase french fries from Taco Bells throughout Canada. I'm not sure, though. I didn't check.