I Swear I'm Still Funny...

I know my posts lately have been a little lackluster. I promise it has nothing to do with my recent romantic escapades. I plan on rectifying this in the coming days, so bear with me.

In the meantime, enjoy three new additions to my blogroll. I thought it was time to inject a little testosterone, so it's an all-male update. Meet Scarlet, Coffeypot, and The [Cherry] Ride. Welcome, boys!


Yesterday was Dickle's 66th birthday and I fucking missed it!

I hope he forgives me. The last thing I need right now is a face full of shrapnel.

Here's One Of The Things I Find So Attractive About Megan...

She's a sophisticated lady.


Just So You Don't Worry...

I'm going to be away until next Wednesday. I'll be in beautiful Norfolk to visit my beautiful girlfriend. Man, does it feel weird to say that.

So there's no need to call the hospitals or send out bloodhounds. I'll be back with more blog-stupidity lickety-splitly.

Remember This Guy?...


Memories Of Frozen Yogurt...

As I may have mentioned before, I used to work at TCBY while I was in high school, along with recent interview subject, Frank. It was right around the time the frozen yogurt craze was sweeping the nation. We would have lines out the door and cars backed up waiting to use the drive-thru. Customers would often have trouble grasping a few of the main concepts of the TCBY menu, mainly the policy on toppings. When I worked there, toppings, which included candy, nuts, fruit, hot fudge, etc., were fifty cents for two scoops, 25 cents for one (a total fucking rip-off). People would come in and figure that toppings were unlimited and were shocked to learn that their cup of yogurt, now covered in Oreo crumbs, M & Ms, Strawberries, and many other things, was now about ten bucks. As employees, we would dream up potential topping choices the bigwigs at TCBY had not yet thought of. They included:

-Hair clippings
-Giblet gravy
-Parmesan cheese
-Snot (or other bodily fluids)
-Barbecue sauce

Am I forgetting any?

Documentary Film Of The Day - This Film Is Not Yet Rated...

I mentioned this film way back in August. It's finally out on DVD. I watched it last night. As I expected, this was a great film. Filmmakers Kirby Dick and Eddie Schmidt, along with some crafty private investigators, bring the MPAA ratings board out into the open and expose them to the light of day. For those of you unfamiliar, the MPAA rating board is the appointed body charged with deciding whether films will be G, PG, PG-13, R, or NC-17. It is basically in the pockets of the major movie studios. They can make or break a movie insofar as most major theater chains will not run NC-17 films. There are no real set standards for how these ratings are determined. It really is a sinister system that more people should be aware of. The movie is funny and features many accounts of directors that had to alter their movies in order to get them an R rating. It will make you mad, but is still done in an entertaining way. I will continue to sing the praises of Mr. Dick's documentaries. They are among some of my favorites. Plus, I like being able to put a naked ass on my blog when I can.

I Ask Frank Questions And He Answers Them...

In part four of my ongoing series, I sat down with Frank of The Sirmarco Letters. I think you'll find that he took all my tough questions in stride. As always, his answers appear in bold.

I'm here with longtime friend and blogmeister, Frank Sirmarco. How are you feeling today? You look terrible.

You should see the other guy!

My first question involves a topic I know is near and dear to your heart - Dungeons & Dragons. What is your favorite part of "Unearthed Arcana"? Or, if you prefer, "Manual Of The Planes"?

Both can be hidden quickly when your girlfriend comes home unexpectedly.

But seriously, Unearthed Arcana introduced the geek world to the Ranger and Barbarian classes, so that's pretty sweet. It also had a bunch of spells created by some wizard named Leomund (LINK). That guy was a fuckin' bad-ass!

You play a lot of video games. For all the gamers reading this out there, what is your preferred treatment for "joystick fingers"?

Extended periods of "joystick rubbing".

Working in a field like human resources, you have to be prepared to deal with any number of awkward situations in the workplace. Let's say one of your employees has an obvious prolonged erection on a daily basis and its making other employees uncomfortable. How do you handle it?

Well, since I've been watching a lot of Cialis commercials recently (you can't go three minutes without seeing one during the NFL playoffs...says something about sedentary, male football fans), I would tell him to contact his doctor; erections are not meant to last more than four hours.

Convince me that Max Von Sydow's greatest role was NOT Brewmeister Smith.

Sorry, Chris. Max Von Sydow was BORN to play Ming the Merciless. (LINK)

You were in a popular Chicago band for a while. It must have been hot and cold-running chicks. Any good groupie stories?

All my good groupie stories involve watching our bass player, Jimmy pick up some random girl while I drank a bottle of Southern Comfort and ate Taco Bell (unfortunately, 270lb guitarists* don't get a lot of tail).

*Now a 225lb guitarist

If you could have one person, dead or alive, come over and clean your toilet, who would it be and why?

Steve Garvey. I hate Steve Garvey! Did you see what he did to the Cubs during game 4 of the 1984 NLCS? I'd eat a lot of sport peppers the night before he came over to clean my toilet; just to make sure those Popeye-like forearms got a real workout. Son of a bitch!

Tell my readers why you deserve to be the next president.

Read my lips...no new taxes!

You know Madge, that lady from the Palmolive commercials? What was up with that bitch?

No shit! Why the hell does a manicurist have a bottle of Palmolive with her 24/7? (LINK)

Lastly, Finish the following sentence: I...

...gave you your ball; I have nothing else of value!

I don't know about that, Frank...


Show Of Hands...

Who else finds the word "crotch" humorous?

And just what exactly do you think is going on in this picture?


I used to love to make forts, inside or outside. Of course mine were much more inspired than this kid's rather pedestrian attempt. For one, he's not utilizing all the materials at his disposal, mainly blankets and other furniture. Mine would have intricate tunnels with little nooks and crannies. I think one even had a sunken living room with a woodburning stove. If I knew this kid, I'd offer him some pointers, but alas, he's just some random shmoe that popped up during a Google image search. He'll never benefit from my years of experience. How unfortunate.

And what the fuck is a "cranny"? You never hear cranny used by itself. It's always preceded by nook. Nook you'll hear by itself from time to time, but not cranny. What makes it so damn special, huh?

Another Damn Birthday...

Believe it or not, Ernest Borgnine is 90-years-old today.

Yeah, I thought he was dead, too, but he's not.

Neither is Abe Vigoda, for the record.


The Best Thing To Happen To Potatoes Since Dan Quayle...


If you buy these, please stop reading my blog.

A Very Important Day...

Today is Kelly Kapowski's birthday.

Did you remember to send a card?

State Of The Union Preview...

I predict that before Dubya is able to utter his 9,653rd speech defending his crappy Iraq policy, he will open his mouth, releasing a horde of dung beetles that will scatter throughout the halls of congress, devouring everything in their path. At this point, Dick Cheney will sprout bat-like wings and hover over the chamber, vaporizing the beetles (and any surviving democrats) with lasers from his eye sockets. After the dust has settled, Dubya will look squarely into the camera and tell the shocked populace that they should support the troops by going to Disney World.

This is just a hunch.

May god continue to bless America.

Hey, Check It Out!...

Kelly Leak is nominated for an Oscar.
Although some of you might know him as Moocher.

His real name is Jackie Earle Haley. Congrats!

What Do You Call It?...


Happy As A Clam...

I ask you, what the hell does a clam have to be so happy about?

They have no arms or legs. They can't joke around with their clam buddies. They can't see or hear shit, so TV is out. Their whole makeup consists of a viscous slime surrounded by a muddy outer shell.

Is that anything to be happy about?

Of course, they never have to listen to shit-ass pundits like O'Reilly or sit in rush hour traffic, so maybe I'm wrong...

Documentary Film Of The Day - The Ground Truth...

Like Vikki and Johnny Yen said, see this movie. Just see it. If you know people who still think the Iraq War is good or cool, make them see it, too. If you think military conflict in general is wise, see the fucking movie.


Chicago Super Bowl Bears...

Fuckin' A!


I Ask Flannery Alden Questions And She Answers Them...

In the third part of my interview series, I sat down with Flannery Alden. She is a frequent commenter and hosted me for a night during my recent east coast road trip. She makes killer french toast and bacon.

I'm here with long-time blogger, Flannery Alden. Flannery, you have read my blog almost from the very beginning. To what do you attribute its unrivaled success?

I think your blog is so successful because you are a hunky underdog and chicks dig that. Also, you're spelling skills are exemplary. I could go on, but this interview is about me.

You are born and raised in Ohio. What, in your opinion, puts the "Oh" in Ohio?

Well, I've always heard that Ohio is high in the middle and round on both ends, which is an apt description of my home state. However, what puts the "Oh" in Ohio? Hmm...Licking County?

You wrote that you have a degree in Classical & Medieval Studies. How did you like the jousting class?

It was literally a pain in the ass. There were serious injuries in every class and, to make matters worse, in order to get any first aid or medical attention, one had to ask for it in either Latin, Greek, Old Norse or Olde English, depending on which of those classes were covering paramedics on that day. There were benefits, though. I did enjoy knocking the shit out of my wispy male colleagues and future leather mug makers. Huzzah!

I know, as a mother of two, that you watch a lot of children's television. Compare and contrast today's children's television with the shows we grew up with. I mean, isn't Spongebob just a cheap rip-off of the Snorks?

No, Spongebob is a rather well done rip-off of PeeWee Herman, as my good friend Elizabeth pointed out to me recently. However, you may be right about the Snorks. I can't rightly say as I've never heard of them.

As a student of the classics with regard to history, fashion, entertainment, language, and cars I have noticed that successful trends tend to come and go. I'm pleased to see today's children's television fare is influenced by the great shows of the past.

Many of the great new shows have taken something that worked in the past and layered on new, more contemporary themes and educational values. Take, for instance, Drake and Josh, a show I have recommended to you on countless occasions, yet you refuse to consider watching. It's basically Laverne and Shirley, which was basically I Love Lucy. All have great slapstick episodes and lovable losers at the helm. Where the Drake and Josh show innovates with regard to contemporary themes and educational values is: no one smokes or drinks on the show. That's progress.

If you could travel to any place that starts with an "L", where would it be?

London, Baby!

I rode my bike through Salem, Ohio once and these assholes drove by in cars and tried to run us off the road.

That's how you know you're in Ohio. If you're on a bike, people will try to run you off the road. I wouldn't take it personally, though; they probably just thought you were gay.

You and your husband contribute to a blog about beer. Name a beer that you like that most people would consider shit.

Rolling Rock.

You have written often about your neighbor's Tiki Bar and how it has become a gathering place for you and your friends. Is there any sort of Tiki philosophy or mantra or creed or something?

There is, Chris, and this is it: Peace, Love, Friendship, and Anarchy.

Thanks, Flannery. That is a wealth of knowledge you've provided us with.

And thank you, Chris, for being the you that you are.

Flannery Alden, ladies and gentlemen...

eBay Neophyte...

I have never bought anything off eBay. In fact, I have barely even looked at eBay before today. I'm just not into having more stuff. However, thanks to a post over at The Slack, I was inspired to check and see if one of my favorite childhood toys, Rocket Hockey, was available. There is one. I set up an account so I could place a bid. However, every time I up my bid, some jackass ups it by 50 cents. I'm sure there's some sort of automatic bid set-up that allows the other bidder to do this, but I haven't spent the time to study the various options. I doubt I'll get it. Bidding ends at like 10:00 PM and I'll be at my computer-less home by then. Too bad. If you'd like to see a short video detailing the awesomeness of this toy, click HERE. It's basically the same thing as real hockey, minus the ice, skates, hockey sticks, and other players. Other than that, it's the real fucking deal.

The Joy Of Not Having To Talk To People...

There is one supermarket in my town and they just incorporated two do-it-yourself grocery checkout aisles. I'm sure this is something you city-folk have been using for years, but they're new to me. I like them. For one, I seem to be WAY faster at scanning my shit than the people who do it professionally. I also get to avoid something I loathe - small talk. Besides, as a bachelor, it's a little embarassing to go in, week after week, and buy the same frozen pizzas and ice cream novelties (not to mention all the anti-diarrheal medicine).

You'd say these things are supplanting jobs. May I remind you we are in a War On Terror? Come on, people! Just think of all the men and women that will now be available to help us defeat radical extremists all around the world. It's a classic win-win!


A Little Thursday Quiz For Y'all...

What do...

...former Hugh Hefner paramour, Barbi Benton,

television's Mr. Belvedere, Christopher Hewett,

and the Mama that isn't Cass, Michelle Phillips, have in common?

Highlight the hidden text below to reveal the answer.
Each appeared in no less than eight episodes of "Fantasy Island".

God Bless Bob Ross...

I used to love this guy. He was very calming and had a kick-ass 'fro.

Important Reminder...

O'Reilly and Colbert are going to be on each other's shows tonight. O'Reilly's putrid cesspool of a show starts at 8:00 PM (Eastern) and Colbert's starts at 11:30 PM (Eastern).

Please mark your calendars appropriately. It should be a humdinger.


Some Guy's Book Of Rules, Entry #1...

I don't think that anyone who has never experimented with LSD, Psilocybin Mushrooms, or any other hallucinogen has any right to ever refer to something as "trippy".

I mean, how the hell would they know?


I Ask Grant Miller Questions And He Answers Them...

Since the response to my original interview was SO well-received, I've decided to try another. No one has had more of an impact on my decision to start a blog than Grant Miller of The Official Site Of Grant Miller. I sat down with Grant recently to pick his brain on a few of the more pressing issues of the day. His answers appear in bold.

-I'm here with popular blogger, Grant Miller. Say hello to everyone, Grant.

Hello to everyone, Grant.

-Cute. Now, Grant, people are always asking me what your beauty secrets are. Care to
share a few?

I shave my eyebrows otherwise I would have one eyebrow. I enjoy flossing my teeth. One of my favorite chorse is using a Q-Tip to get the wax out of my ear. Sometimes a finger will work, but it's not as effective.

-It's well known that we've known each other a long time. Can you remember
the conversation we had on April 19th, 1986? I know it's one I'll never

Of course, I remember. You asked me to attend your "Adolph Hitler Birthday Bash" the next day at your house. I was totally weirded out and said "No way, I'm not a racist like you." That's how I remember it, but I could be confusing you with someone else.

-You want a piece of gum?

I don't chew gum. I've only tried it once and hated it. I don't particularly like candy. I enjoy chocolate, but only occassionally. I look like a fool when I chew gum. I feel like a fool when I chew gum. But thanks for the offer.

-As a dad, what is the most obnoxiously annoying toy your children possess?

Telly the Time Clock. Unlike most toys that turn off after a few minutes of inactivity, Telly the Time Clock keeps going and going. "What time is it?" "What time is it" over and over and over again until I turn it off. Plus it has only two volume controls: Obnoxiously loud and off.
-Can you believe they cancelled Shatner's game show? What's up with that?

I didn't know Shatner had a game show, so I do not understand what is up with that.

-Name four people, dead or alive, that you'd most like to play air hockey

Colleen McElroy, Socrates, Lincoln, my mom. Thanks. Thanks a lot for bringing that up again.

-I really need to get a haircut.

I just got one.

-What, to you, was the turning point of the Crimean War?

I'm not sure, but it probably had something to do with the fact they were fighting over Crimea and not something cooler.

-Lastly, if you could trade noses with anyone, who would it be?

My cat.

-Thanks, Grant. Don't forget to rock out with your cock out.

It's the only way to rock out.

Indeed it is, Grant. Indeed it is...

It's Tuesday. Let's Play Everyone's Favorite Blog Game - Does Anyone Remember...

Fish Ties?
Christ, what were we thinking?
Tupperware Frozen Pops?
My mom used to make them out of Tang. Compared to actual Popsicles, they sucked ass.
Rodney & Rhonda Reindeer?
This one is specifically for Geo. Too bad for you I have a steel trap of a memory.
Crystal Radios?
I remember getting a kit for one of these. Imagine, a radio that doesn't require batteries! Unfortunately, when you assembled the fucking thing, you could only faintly hear some station you'd never listen to in the first place.

Taking One For The Team...

I think awards shows are fucking silly, but, as they are part of the pop culture landscape, I feel I must offer some commentary. Since no one really gives a shit about the awards themselves, I'm going to focus my attention on the pre-show:
First, I'm not an American Idol watcher, but is Ryan Seacrest always such a smarmy douche?
Hey, no one's making you go to this thing, you crabby twat. Why don't you two just go away for a while.
I think we've found Hollywood's new power couple.
Yeah, Pivs, you love your mother. We get it.

My vote for most visible cleavage goes to :
Beyonce Knowles


Documentary Film Of The Day - Wordplay...

I watched this over the weekend. This is the kind of documentary I like - one that exposes an obscure group of people united by their love of (and prowess at) a relatively mundane activity, in this case, solving crossword puzzles. Now, I'm not sure how much this movie will appeal to people who don't do crosswords, but if you like movies about slightly eccentric people, this one shouldn't disappoint. I happen to love crosswords, so I really liked this movie. It also includes interviews with famous crosswordophiles like Jon Stewart and Bill "Bubba" Clinton. They spend time on how crosswords are constructed. They also show a lot of footage of a crossword competition. Just ordinary, everyday people that happen to be the best at what they do. What was cool was that there were points in the movie where they'd put up partially solved clues, so that you could pause and sort of play along at home. Ken Burns of PBS fame talked about how he does the New York Times puzzle every day. I decided that is something to strive for - the ability to do the NYT puzzle each day (not necessarily solve it) if I wanted to.

Bear Down!...

I really thought they were gonna blow this one. Why do they always have to make it so close at the end? Do they want me to have a fucking grabber or something?



I'm a gum chewer. Some people find this annoying, but I think nothing conveys an air of nonchalance better than chewing a piece of gum. Really, who doesn't want to look nonchalant? Not me. Currently, my gum of choice is:

I like that it's strong initially and maintains its flavor quite well.

Back in the day, like most suburban boys, I wanted to look cool. Obviously, nothing looks cooler than sticking a wad of chewing tobacco in your mouth. Unfortunately, twelve-year-old boys don't always have access to tobacco. Luckily, we DID have:
Big League Chew.
One can only guess how much of a "gateway gum" this became for kids destined for a life full of empty Coke bottles, half-full with dip-juice, and mouth cancer.

Perhaps the suckiest gum of all time was:
Chicklets Tiny Size.
This gum was fucking bogus. You pretty much had to empty the entire contents of the pack into your mouth just to end up with an adequate piece of gum to chew. Plus, it didn't taste all that good and had minimal staying power. Shit was WACK, yo.



This is courtesy of Megan at By & By. Now do you see why I like her so much?

Another Good Movie It Took Me A Long Time To See...

It was recommended that I see "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington". I thought it was excellent. Sure, some of it is a little corny, but much of it is still applicable to today's politics.

For some reason I was under the impression that there was a monkey in this movie.


Avast, Ye Matey...

A few summers ago I began a brief stint as a crew member on a boat competing in a weekly regatta held on my lake. It was a nightmare. I didn't know jack squat about sailboats. The boat I was on was a scow, a very fast boat, but also one prone to tipping over easily. Scows have flat hulls, kind of like a big windsurfer, and "daggerboards", rather than a central keel, that you raise and lower depending on which way you're heeling. There were a few times we tipped due directly to something I fucked up. Luckily the rest of the crew were easy-going and didn't give me too much shit. I decided to surrender my spot to someone else the following summer.

The one thing I did enjoy was brainstorming names for our craft. A few of my suggestions were:
  • Miocardial Infarction (three of us were ski patrollers)
  • Bloody Stool (I bet there aren't any other boats named this)
  • Satan's Chariot (sounded intimidating)
  • Those Aren't Buoys (Seinfeld reference)
  • Harvey Walleye-Banger (there are Walleye on my lake)
They didn't use any of mine. Shocker. But hey, mine beat the shit out of lame-o names like "Liquid Assets" or "Wet & Wild".

Unknown Fruit...

I don't think I've ever had a papaya before.

Are they good? What do they taste like?

Is that caviar in the middle?

What's It Gonna Be?...

You can watch Creed on "The Office" tonight at 8:30 P.M. (Eastern) and laugh your ass off


You can watch Judd Hirsch in "Ordinary People" on HBO, beginning at 6:45 P.M. (Eastern) and cry.

All I Can Say Is Wow...

I never thought he could do it. I was about as dead-set against any sort troop escalation as anyone could be. After last night's landmark speech, however, I see the error of my ways.

He was so "on" last night. He had the charisma of Kennedy, the gravitas of Patton, and the foresight of, um, Grover Cleveland? He made his point cogently and passionately. He asserted that failure in Iraq is not an option. Amazing! I never really thought about that. As far as I'm concerned, any credibility he'd lost these past few years was recaptured last night.

So, I am no longer in the ranks of the freedom-hating. These colors don't run. Love it or leave it. Live free or die. Baghdad, ho! Let's roll!


A Brand New Feature At Some Guy's Blog!...

I think I'll call it "Some Guy Asks You Questions And You Answer Them". It is a way for me to peel back the layers of some of our favorite bloggers and get down to the core - the essence - of who they really are. My first Guinea Pig is:

Our friend, Anne Altman. Anne runs a blog called Two Can Anne. She was one of the very first blogs I started reading. I had the pleasure of spending time with Anne and her cat, Doodle, while in New York City recently. For those of you who follow her, she is pretty much exactly like you'd imagine. I was happy to learn that Anne was willing to answer a few questions. Her answers appear in bold.

-Hi, Anne. How are you?


-I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind. I'm curious, what eighties sitcom character can you most relate to and why?

a Golden Girls' Dorothy Petrillo-Sbornak with a Sophia Petrillo rising.

-What's the most you'd pay for a haircut?

$30. If I could trim it myself with a cigarette lighter, I would.

-I understand you live in Manhattan. What's with all the urine?

The city runs on it.

-My brother sat next to E! Channel personality, Giuliana De Pandi on a
recent flight from LA to Chicago.

Shoot me when I recognize that name, please.

-Switching to politics, what is your take on North Dakota's recent threat to
secede from the union?


-Can you spell the word "verisimilitude"?


-Finally, Yellow snow. Eat it? Don't? Where do you stand?

What's with all the urine questions? Never say never. Ever see "Alive?"

Thanks, Anne! If any of you would like to be a featured interviewee, please leave a note in the comments. I will tailor my questions to each individual.