A Behind-The-Scenes Look At The Making Of A YouTube Video In Which I Reenact A Classic John Goodman Scene From "Revenge Of The Nerds"...

I'm sure most of you are familiar with John Goodman's brilliant performance as tough-guy dickhead Coach Harris in Revenge Of The Nerds. If not, here's a little refresher:

Originally I was going to post the John Goodman version followed by my version and have you all tell me how spot-on my impression was. Instead I decided that the outtakes were far more compelling than the final cut. I hope you enjoy it:

Giving A Politician Credit When It's Due...

Generally I'm pretty cynical about the motivations of politicians. However, I do like to acknowledge political courage when I see it. I haven't always agreed with Sen. Jim Webb (D-VA), but after reading THIS ARTICLE by Glenn Greenwald I have a lot more faith in his ability to ignore political expediency and take a stand on an issue that others wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole - the issue of prison reform. I suggest you read the article in full, but here are a few interesting statistics that clearly show reform is needed:
  • The United States has 5% of the world's total population, yet has 25% of the world's total prison population. Although I knew we Americans were incarceration-happy, I didn't realize to what degree.
  • In 1980 we had 41,000 drug offenders in prison. Today that number is over 500,000, an increase of 1200%. A significant percentage of these people are in prison for possession or other non-violent offenses.
  • African-Americans are about 12% of our population. Contrary to a lot of thought and rhetoric, their drug use rate in terms of frequent drug use is about the same as all other elements of our society - about 14%. Yet they end up being 37% of those arrested on drug charges, 59% of those convicted, and 74% of those sentenced to prison.
I agree with Sen. Webb. Something is out of whack. This is something that deserves attention in comprehensive way.

I salute you, Sen. Webb, and your balls of steel.


Finally There's Something That Will Allow Me To Smoke The Way I Want To Smoke...

I've never been a cigarette smoker. Sure, like most people, I've tried them on occasion. I've just never gotten hooked. The problem for me was never the associated health risks. Quite the contrary. My problem was that one cigarette at a time never provided me with enough of the smooth, rich flavor my body required. I tried "doubling up" a few times - placing two loose cigarettes in my mouth at once - but it proved unwieldy and lacked a certain refined elegance. Now it seems my problem may be solved with the discovery of this antique brass twin-barreled filter tip. My only concern now is that two barrels may not be sufficient. If anyone should stumble across a quad-barrel (or higher) during your internet travels, please bring it to my attention. I'd appreciate it.


Stop Doing That. It's Weird...

So we were out at a restaurant enjoying a lovely dinner with pleasant conversation when, for some reason, I started making goofy faces. Megan quietly said:

"Stop doing that. It's weird."

As soon as she said it I think she realized the mistake she had made. Those two sentences together do not compute with me. If anything they only serve to add fuel to the fire. Luckily for her we were soon distracted by a group of right-wing fucking morons at the table behind us saying idiotic things.

By the way, sorry for not posting anything lately. It'll probably never happen again.


That Was The Best Jeopardy Championship Series I Have Ever Seen...

The level of play was phenomenal. Congratulations to Dan Pawson. I posted about Larissa Kelly the first time she was on. Alex seemed a little better behaved this time.

Speaking Of Not Being Able To Find Things...

My standard (annoying) response anytime
someone is trying to find something is:

"Have you checked up your butt?"

Nine times out of ten that's
where they end up finding it.

Where The Hell Is This Free Market Everyone's Raving About?...

Lately I've heard a lot of people talking about some sort of "free market" and how great it is and how it will solve all of our problems. I, for one, am having a hard time locating one. All the stores I go to still want me to pay for shit. It's a pain in the ass.


Ski Report, Week 8...

Since the conditions next time I ski probably won't be worth reporting about, I've decided this is my last one for the season. It was the big spring party weekend (which I mentioned last year) where I patrol, so it's a good one to end on. The weather was warm and sunny. The skiing was great. The drunks were entertaining and non-violent. There were naked boobies. I'll leave you with a video of a time-honored spring skiing tradition - trying to make it across the pool of freezing water. I sped it up because I know you people are busy and things are generally funnier in double-time. Note the guy who tries it with one ski and almost makes it. Also note only one snowboarder makes it across. There is also a tiny bit of plumber's butt, so be warned.


I Used To Feel Like A Jackass For Not Being Able To Understand All This Financial Crisis Shit, But Now I Feel A Little More Informed...

I want to thank DCap for recommending Matt Taibbi's outstanding article in Rolling Stone about the current economic crisis. I urge you to read it. It's long, but I finally feel like I have some sense of what these corporate fucks (and they are fucks) did and continue to do. I knew these guys were greedy, but I had no idea just how greedy. We need to get informed and demand fucking consequences for the people involved or we deserve what we get.


All Hail The King Of The Nerds!...

I did something really fucking nerdy.

I went back through all my posts (not in one sitting, mind you) through 2008 to find the first time each of you left a comment here. I'm not sure why. I've always thought the social component of blogging was really cool and the way I came to know most of you was through comments. Now you can go back and relive that blessed day you added your two cents to something I wrote (chances are it was about poop). I'm amazed by how long some of you have stuck with me! Those of you I have met in person are in orange.
  1. 6-9-2006 Grant Miller
  2. 6-13-2006 Frank Sirmarco
  3. 6-19-2006 Flannery Alden
  4. 6-22-2006 Anne Altman
  5. 6-30-2006 Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks (Big Orange)
  6. 7-3-2006 Winter
  7. 7-17-2006 Lulu
  8. 7-17-2006 Phil
  9. 7-17-2006 Laaw-yuhr
  10. 7-18-2006 Coaster Punchman
  11. 7-18-2006 Melinda June
  12. 7-31-2006 GETkristiLOVE
  13. 8-1-2006 Marni
  14. 8-1-2006 Tenacious S
  15. 8-9-2006 Beth
  16. 8-9-2006 Vikkitikkitavi
  17. 8-17-2006 Megan
  18. 8-22-2006 Wonderturtle
  19. 9-6-2006 Amy
  20. 9-11-2006 Jen @ Casual Slack
  21. 9-14-2006 Erik @ Nevada Thunder
  22. 9-20-2006 Johnny Yen
  23. 9-29-2006 Randyluvspaiste
  24. 10-5-2006 The Boob Lady
  25. 10-11-2006 Teri
  26. 10-11-2006 Mixed Nut
  27. 10-17-2006 Genn6
  28. 10-19-2006 Doc
  29. 10-22-2006 Geo
  30. 10-31-2006 Sans Pantaloons
  31. 12-8-2006 Gizmorox
  32. 12-8-2006 Dale
  33. 12-12-2006 Bubbles
  34. 12-19-2006 Dave @ Bad Art Global
  35. 1-12-2007 Dick Small
  36. 2-15-2007 Splotchy
  37. 2-16-2007 Bubs
  38. 3-2-2007 Hapabukbuk
  39. 3-5-2007 Skyler's Dad
  40. 3-14-2007 Cormac Brown
  41. 3-21-2007 Catherinette Singleton
  42. 4-16-2007 Spooney
  43. 5-8-2007 Cheer34
  44. 7-16-2007 Cooper Green
  45. 7-31-2007 Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein
  46. 8-2-2007 Evil Genius
  47. 8-3-2007 Micgar
  48. 8-13-2007 Kirby
  49. 9-7-2007 Special K
  50. 9-7-2007 Lady Who Doesn't Lunch
  51. 9-14-2007 Distributor Cap
  52. 9-24-2007 Samurai Frog
  53. 9-26-2007 Dr. Zaius
  54. 10-26-2007 Beckeye
  55. 11-1-2007 MNMom
  56. 11-6-2007 Dguzman
  57. 11-8-2007 Suzel's Sass
  58. 12-29-2007 The Bacon Lady
  59. 2-12-2008 Falwless
  60. 5-27-2008 Sista#1
  61. 6-20-2008 Bill Stankus
  62. 6-23-2008 Dr. Zibbs
  63. 7-19-2008 Pistols At Dawn
  64. 8-11-2008 Sista#2
  65. 8-14-2008 Leonesse
  66. 9-5-2008 Poobomber
  67. 9-5-2008 Son Of A Thomas (Anonymous)
  68. 9-8-2008 Gwen
  69. 9-17-2008 Kimmie DeC
  70. 10-2-2008 Miss Alex
  71. 10-7-2008 Katrocket
  72. 10-22-2008 Imaginary Reviewer
  73. 10-26-2008 ~E
  74. 10-27-2008 McGone
  75. 10-27-2008 Jon
  76. 10-31-2008 Jennifer (and Sandi)
  77. 11-4-2008 Cora
  78. 11-6-2008 Candy
  79. 11-6-2008 Dad E
  80. 11-7-2008 Raf
  81. 11-10-2008 Whiskeymarie
  82. 11-12-2008 MelO
  83. 11-14-2008 Red
  84. 11-18-2008 Morgan the (Almost) Muse
  85. 11-21-2008 The Indefatigable Mjenks
  86. 11-21-2008 Alice Average
  87. 11-21-2008 Greta
  88. 11-21-2008 Sass
  89. 12-31-2008 Scope

Documentary Film Of The Day: Dark Days...

Much like the first time I watched the classic doc Grey Gardens, the first time I started watching Dark Days I just wasn't feeling it and turned it off after about fifteen minutes. I knew I needed to give it another chance and I'm glad I did. It is really well done. It's about a group of homeless people living in an abandoned section of New York's underground railway system. The participants are very open about their lives and how they got to where they are. The DVD is available on Netflix or if you're super-impatient you can watch it there instantly.


May The Spirit Of St. Patrick Be With You Today And Always...

I'm not Irish
but I did dye my balls green today.
Does that count for anything?


A New Look For Summer...

Things are finally starting to warm up here in the north. The snow is receding rapidly and the honking geese are signaling that the end of winter is at long last in sight. If you're a clothes horse like me, the only thing on your mind right now is planning out your summer wardrobe. I've been scouring all the men's fashion mags for ideas and I think I've narrowed it down to two looks that I think will work for me. I'm either going to go with:

Barbershop Quartet Chic



Right now I'm leaning toward the barrel. It's airy and will cut down on my laundry bill. I figure a little Murphy's Oil Soap every now and then and I'd be good to go. I know what you're thinking. Some Guy, how are you going to use a urinal in that thing? I understand your concern, but I think that could be solved fairly easily with a strategically-placed bunghole.


Whatchoo Talkin' 'Bout?...

According to THIS NEWS ARTICLE, the Sears Tower, the iconic Chicago skyscraper, will change it's name to the Willis Tower this summer. Let me just say that I, for one, am glad to see that Todd Bridges' portrayal of orphaned Harlemite Willis Jackson is finally getting the recognition it so rightfully deserves.

Willis. The first name in classic American television.


A Revelation...

So I'm sitting on the toilet this morning, contemplating the day ahead of me, when all of a sudden the bathroom filled with the most glorious, intense white light I had ever seen. I heard a voice and, long story short, I think I might be the long-awaited second coming of Jesus Christ.

Either that or Megan slipped some peyote into my grapefruit juice. She's always doing that.

I Hope You're Happy...

Your lies make James Van Der Beek cry.


Ski Report, Week 7...

This weekend was another mix of good and bad. Saturday I was on night duty. It was in the forties and by the end of the day it was like skiing through a Slurpee. I worked on a suspected shoulder dislocation that was so bad we decided to call for an ambulance. Other than that, it was quiet. Sunday was near perfect. The snow had a chance to firm up overnight, so by mid-morning the sun and warm temps softened it to an ideal consistency. No accidents. No crowds. Sun and warmth. I got a lot of runs in.

Once you get to this time of the year up here and you get a string of 40 degree days you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. All the remaining snow on my roof and driveway had melted and patches of grass had begun to peek through. That's usually when that evil whore Mama Nature rips the rug out from under you like she did last night when she decided we hadn't quite had enough and dumped about ten inches of new snow on us in a very short period of time. Bitch.

Anyway, the run of the week was accompanied by the song "Henehene Kou'Aka" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole (an artist Vikki had turned me on to). Enjoy!


I've Been Gleeking A Lot Lately...

Is everyone familiar with "gleeking"? Forgive me. I wasn't sure if it's a commonly used term or not.

It seems like every time I'm sitting at my computer and I yawn, a stream of accidental saliva shoots out of my mouth. It happened again like two minutes ago. It hasn't been an issue so far, but I just know I'm going to yawn while talking to some boring person at some point and nail them right in the face with an arching ribbon of spit. I've decided it serves them right for boring me so I'm not going to feel bad about it when it happens.


Another Goddamn Video!?...

This one goes out to all of my fellow lazy-ass hippies.



A Ween Appreciation Post...

I fucking love Ween (the band, not the organ). I know that they're not for everyone, but their music has brought me a lot of joy over the years. Here is a sampling of songs from their long, illustrious career. I know most of you won't take the time to watch all of these, but who knows. You may find something you like.

Birthday Boy
off the album "God Ween Satan (The Oneness)"

Pollo Asado
off the album "The Pod"

The Stallion Pt. 3
off the album "Pure Guava"

Don't Shit Where You Eat
off the album "Chocolate And Cheese"
(WARNING: This song has the word "shit" in it.)

Piss Up A Rope
off the album "12 Golden Country Greats"
(WARNING: This song contains offensive material and should not be listened to in the company of children and employers.)

The Mollusk
off the album "The Mollusk"

Bananas And Blow
off the album "White Pepper"

Chocolate Town
off the album "Quebec"

off the album "La Cucaracha"