I Gotta Hurry...

Splotchy says I have to finish this meme before midnight tonight or someone dies or something, so here 'tis:

Give me 1 noun, 2 verbs and 3 adjectives you like.
You can also provide an optional made-up word.

Mine are:

Noun: pablum
Verbs: schlep, question
Adjectives: sweaty, troglodytic, sacrosanct
Made-up word: qluj

Hey! Buttface!...

You're A Very Generous Individual...

My Friend?...

I think I posted something about this before, so if it's a rerun, my apologies.

John McCain has this annoying habit of adding "my friend" or "my friends" to everything he says. For instance, he might say to Gov. Romney, "You, my friend, are a lying sack of turkey shit." Or to anyone who happens to be watching him at any particular moment, he might say, "Let me tell you, my friends, we're gonna stay in Iraq until every person on this planet hates us and you're gonna like it!" He says it constantly and it comes off as completely disingenuous.

Senator, I'm pretty sure Mr. Romney is not your friend. I can't tell you I am definitely not your friend. For me, in order to consider someone a friend, I have to, at a minimum, share some sort of ongoing interaction. Meeting in person would help, but it's not essential. I have learned through this blog that you can have friends that you may not necessarily ever meet.

So, until you're ready to start commenting on this blog, or e-mailing me, or talking to me on the phone, stop calling me your fucking friend. You sound like a dick.


Snow Day!...

That is a lot of fucking snow!

We didn't get quite that much,
but with wind gusts up to 50 mph,
icy roads,
and temps in the single digits
we are staying home.
Megan's bookstore
called earlier and told her not to come in.
I work for myself so I told me not to come in.

It's 10:00 AM.
Should I have a beer?


Guess who got "nine-elevened"?

Nice campaign, Rudy.

Oh, and one more thing...



For Lulu And Chaylene...

...and other fellow bacon-lovers.
A recipe for bacon-flavored vodka.
Click HERE.


Do You Guys Realize...

Noonan was once nominated for an Oscar?
(Bonus points if you know the movie.)

Spaulding, on the other hand,
was never nominated for an Oscar.
Why, I have no idea.

Happy Monday, Everyone!...

I hope it's a humdinger!


Documentary Film Of The Day: The Gleaners And I...

"The Gleaners And I" by Agnes Varda is a neat, slightly weird look at various types of scavenging, whether it be out of necessity, enjoyment, or some sort of ethical stance. It's French and subtitled, in case there are those who can't handle that sort of thing. I quite liked this one.

Those of you who read my documentary posts may notice that I don't really give too much in the way of a critique. For me, there is a very simple threshold for whether I recommend a movie or not - when I'm done, do I feel like it was worth watching? I don't feel the need to dissect films and examine all the subtleties and symbolism. I will if it's part of a conversation or something, but the analysis doesn't enhance the experience for me all that much. If I feel like my time was well spent watching it and it made me feel good or more knowledgeable on some level, that's good enough for me. That goes for all art forms, I suppose.


Don't Read This Post....

It's stupid.

I'm gonna go state by state and see if I can remember each of their Senators. Here are my guesses:

Maine: I think it's Olympia Snowe and Susan Collins, both (R).
New Hampshire: Don't Know. One might be D'Amato (R)
Vermont: I know one is Bernie Sanders (I) and I think the other is Jim Jeffords. I think he was originally a (R), but may now be (I). Those crazy Vermonters!
Mass.: Ted Kennedy and John Kerry, both (D), both (D)
New York: Chuck Schumer and Hillary Clinton
Conn.: Chris Dodd (D) and Joe Lieberman (?)
R.I.: I think the Sr. is Jack Reed and the Jr. is Sheldon Whitehouse, both (D)
New Jersey: Is one Frank Lautenberg (D)? The other one I'll know when I hear.
Del.: Joe Biden and Ben Cardin, both (D)
MD: Damn, I can't remember.
VA: John Warner (R) and Jim Webb(D)
NC: Crap, can't remember. Oh, wait. I was working on TX and I remember that one is Elizabeth Dole (R). Maybe.
SC: Nope. One might be Saxby Chambliss (R), but he might be from GA. One might be Lindsey Graham (R).
GA: See above. I don't know the other one.
FL: I think one's name is Criss, and I can picture the other guy (D), but don't know his name, maybe Graham (R).
Penn.: One is Arlen Specter (R) and the other?
WV: Robert Byrd and Jay Rockefeller, both (D)
KY: Mitch McConnell and Jim Bunning, both (R)
TN: The one guy's name starts with a C and he's (R). The other I forget.
Ala.: Richard Shelby (R)? Not sure, though.
Miss.: Trent Lott and Haley Barbour (It took me a while to remember this one), both (R).
LA: I forget.
Ark.: I forget, but I bet they're (R).
Ind.: Richard Lugar (R) and Evan Bayh (D).
OH: Sherrod Brown (D) and I forget the other.
Mich.: Carl Levin and Debbie Stabenow, both (D)
IL: Dick Durbin and Barack Obama, both (D)
Wisc.: Herb Kohl (I think) and Russ Feingold, both (D)
Minn.: One is Norm Coleman (R), the other is a woman (D), but I forget her name.
IA: Tom Harkin (D) and I think Charles Grassley (R).
MO: Claire MC Caskill (D) and I forget the other, but I think it's a male (R).
TX: Kay Bailey Hutchinson and John Cornyn, both (R). Fuckin' Texas...
Okla.: You know when you have to snap your fingers to remember a name. I had to to remember...FUCK...I can picture his weasel (R) face. He's a big dick. I'll come back to this one. Oh yeah, James Inhofe (R), but he might be from Kansas.
KS: Pat Roberts (R) and I know the other is a (R) asshole.
Nebr.: Chuck Hagel (R) and I think Ben Nelson (D).
SDak: Tim Johnson (D) and the other is a (R).
NDak: Sorry, North Dakota.
Mont: One is a (D) who was recently elected, big guy... The other I forget.
WY: Nope.
Colo: I think one is Ken Salazar (D). The other might be a (R).
NM: Pete Domenici (R) and I forget the other.
Ariz.: John McCain and John Kyl, both (R).
Cal.: Dianne Feinstein and Barbara Boxer, both (D).
UT: Orrin Hatch (R) is one. Don't know the other.
NV: Harry Reid (D). I forget the other.
ID: I got nothing. Wait, one might be Mike Enzi (R).
WA: Don't know.
OR: Nothing.
AK: Ted "Series of tubes" Stevens (R), my most despised senator. The other is a woman (R) whose name ends in -sky.
HI: Daniel Inouye (D) is one. I forget the others.


Do Me A Favor...

Watch this:

Then read THIS LINK and listen to the audio.

Listen to this

Man, what a hateful dick.

I mean, I'm all for humor that's in poor taste.
Unfortunately for John, he left out the humor part.
I've had a beef with this fuck before...


I have the urge to write a really profound post.
Something erudite,
with a bunch of important-sounding words
(words like erudite).
It would be about the mysteries of the universe
or ways to solve difficult societal problems.
Unfortunately, I don't have the patience
or the creative juice to make it happen right now.
So, instead, I'll post a dopey picture of
a turkey with tan lines:


One Of The Things I Like About Blogs...

Every once in a while I'll go back a few posts
and do a little quality control - check for spelling and grammatical errors.
I'm a big fucking nerd.
The nice part is revisiting cool ideas, THIS ONE came from Splotchy.

Did Y'All Notice...

I've started labeling my posts.

Look at me! Whee!

It Does?...

I think a more accurate slogan would be
"America Sits On The Couch
And Uses A Rake
To Retrieve The Remote Lying On The Floor
So They Don't Have To Get Up
On Dunkin"


Allan Melvin, R.I.P....

America's butcher.
Feb. 18, 1922-Jan. 17, 2008

He was also the voice of Magilla Gorilla.


I'm Curious...

Does Chuck Norris go to the fucking bathroom with Mike Huckabee?

Every time I see these two, they're together.

Oh, and for all you who think those
Chuck Norris Facts are cute and clever,
here's another one for you:

Chuck Norris is dumb
because he's committed himself to getting
Mike Freaking Huckabee
elected president.

Ski Report, Jan. 19-20...

Cold. Really motherfucking cold.
And snow. Lots of fucking snow.

*Picture is a dramatization. It's not me, but I was sporting some beardsicles at various points during the weekend.


Documentary Film Of The Day: Hearts Of Darkness...

Finally! I have been waiting forever to see this movie. I love docs about the making of movies. "Hearts Of Darkness" did not disappoint. It is the story of the making of the Vietnam epic, "Apocalypse Now", a film that went WAY over budget and took WAY longer to shoot than originally expected. It was shot by Eleanor Coppola, director Francis Ford Coppola's wife and includes taped conversations that were made without Francis' knowledge. In them, he talks about how he is convinced the movie is no good. At one point he considers suicide. There is some great stuff, including the insane ad-libbing of Marlon Brando. One of the things I could've done without was all the footage of Coppola's hairy man-boobs, but it was still a great movie.


Crazy Eight...

This afternoon I was addressing a letter.
The zip code had an eight in it.
For as long as I can remember,
I have made my eights by drawing
two distinct, individual ovals,
one on top of the other.
And yet,
for some unknown reason
I made this one figure eight-style
with one unbroken curve.
I have no idea where it came from.
Immediately after I did it,
it was strange enough for me to stop
and wonder,
"What the fuck was that?"

Get Low And Go...

For the very first time, I have joined a ski racing league. Last night was my first race. I have never skied competitively before, so I was a little nervous about wiping out and embarrassing myself in front of my new team. Luckily, I kept it together and made it down without looking like too much of an ass. This week's race was just to set my handicap. The way it works, you're really racing against yourself rather than another person. I'm awarded more points the better I do against my previous time.

It was fun. The people on my team, most of whom I didn't know, seem nice and don't take it too seriously. It's more of a beer league than anything else. It was a beautiful night, not too cold, and some fluffy new snow.

My top priority is to avoid a situation like this:


I Thought This Was Awesome...

...but it probably won't mean as much if you haven't seen Glengarry Glen Ross. (Not safe for work or around kids)


My Saturday So Far (Includes Some Movie Recommendations)...

I'm the kind of person who wakes up early, even if I don't have to work. Since I was up at 7 and knew it'd be a few hours before Megan would be up, I decided to watch a Netflix movie on-line. She's not as into movies as I am, so it worked out well. I watched "The Devil Came On Horseback" which features the first-hand account of an American observer taking pictures of the atrocities in Darfur and how seeing what he saw affected him. It is an extremely sad, but important film. It'd make a great companion piece to another great doc, "Lost Boys Of Sudan". So my morning is off to a rather depressing start. After the movie ends, Megan gets up and suggests lunch at a place we like in town.

I order my old standby, a delicious meatball sub
that can only be eaten with a knife and fork.
I argue it's the best sandwich in town.

Then we took a walk to the lakefront.
Megan took pictures.
You can't see it, but I'm holding her purse.
I hate holding purses, but there was no one around, so I made an exception.

Here I am demonstrating my best crane technique.
Ralph Macchio WISHES he had my skillz.
(That's skills spelled with a z, people.)

The snow was good packing, so I did a little snowman.
My first attempt looked a little drunk.

His head fell off when I tried to put the arms in,
so I had to make another.

There we go.

We added a little seaweed toupee for good measure and left it like this.
Aren't we just fucking adorable?

By the time we got home, a Netflix movie was in the mailbox. Megan was going to take a bath/shower, so I watched the movie. It's called "I Am A Sex Addict". It was made by Caveh Zahedi, who I remembered from "Waking Life", a favorite movie of mine. The movie is fantastic. If you don't mind frank talk about sex and prostitutes, this movie is worth a look. It's really unlike anything I've seen lately. It combines documentary footage and performance in an interesting way. Definitely a Netflixer.

So now I am checking blogs and I have my Molson Canadian and some chocolate-covered pretzels by my side. I love days like this. It's cool to have someone to share them with.


Whatever You Do...

Do NOT fuck with Bea Arthur.
There is no greater pain in this world
than the sting of her disapproving glare.


Documentary Film Of The Day: A Time For Burning...

"A Time For Burning" is a cinema verite film (no interaction between camera and subjects) that was nominated for Best Documentary Feature in 1968. It follows the pastor of a Lutheran Church in Omaha, Nebraska as he tries to help bridge the racial divide in the community by implementing an exchange program with a nearby African American Lutheran church. His efforts meet resistance from those who think this will divide the congregation.

This movie combines issues of social justice, race, religion, and morality, presented in an honest, candid way. It is a great snapshot of a time in our history and features regular people being confronted by the inevitability of integration after the passage of civil rights legislation in the mid 60's. Great stuff. If you have Netflix, I'd consider adding this one.


Now I'm No Hillary Fan, But...

This picture used by Fox News on their website right after they announced she took New Hampshire is just plain unfair. They've made her look terrifying, like she's about to dine on baby flesh. McCain, on the other hand, looks confident and, well, normal.

I can't say I'm surprised. They pull this kind of subtle favoritism shit all the time.

Who's Up For Bloggle!?...

For those who don't remember the rules, they're HERE.
You have 3 minutes.

My answers appear hidden below.
Highlight to reveal:

What did I miss?

All My Favorite Blogs Are Doing This...

Let’s Make a Band:
1. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random
The first article title on the page is the name of your band.

2. http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3
The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.

3. http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

You then take the pic and add your band name and the album title to it, then post your pic.

I was amazed by the picture that came up. It fit with the title perfectly.


The Seven Things Tag...

I've been tagged by a few people (Teri, Micgar, & Frank) to do the "Seven things you don't know about me" tag. I've done this sucker a bunch of times and it is getting increasingly more difficult to come up with stuff I haven't told you. I mean, show of hands, who here is already terrified by what they've learned about me and might require therapy if I reveal any more? I thought so.

So, instead I'm going to tell you seven things you don't know about Rich Bergstein, a guy I knew in college:
  1. Rich suffered from a rare dental condition whereby all the teeth in his mouth were molars.
  2. Rich dyed his pubic hair green on Arbor Day each year. I only know this because that shit would clog the shower drain for the few days after.
  3. Rich never took his Lisa Lisa And Cult Jam With Full Force CD out of 6-disc changer. It was a bone of contention for years.
  4. Rich used to completely empty the Cracklin' Oat Bran dispenser in the dorm cafeteria each morning. With his mouth full of molars, he could go through that shit like a beaver through a hickory tree.
  5. Rich's favorite movie was Mannequin 2: On The Move. The guy was obsessed with Meshach Taylor. It wasn't in a homosexual way. He just really liked his brand of humor.
  6. Rich always carried a bar of Irish Spring soap with him. He'd go up to random people on the street and ask them what kind of soap they used. If they didn't use Irish Spring, he'd pull his out and, using a pocketknife, cut off a sliver, like in the old commercials. In his mind, this proved that the cleaning power of Irish Spring ran deep into the bar. I never really understood his logic, but he loved his Irish Spring and he had a knife, so I left it alone.
  7. Rich owes me $5 for a toaster oven we bought at a garage sale for our place. When we moved out, he took it and didn't reimburse me. Considering interest, he owes me about $3700. If you see him, let him know.

Poo Can Be A Good Thing...

I know I post about poo a lot. Most of the time it's for childish or disgusting purposes. The frequency with which I did scatological posts was beginning to concern even me and I think it may have had something to do with recent decline in my readership. I had become a one-trick pony (or poo-ny, as the case may be)..

While in Chicago I discovered a product that restored my belief in the power of poo. It's Poo-Poo Paper. You can read about it HERE. I think it's a great way to put a positive spin on a typically negative thing. It really gives a whole new meaning to the phrase "When you care enough to send the very best."



Sweet Ride...

Whatever you do, do NOT get behind this jackass in traffic on your way to work.

He thinks he's driving a real tractor (which are already painfully slow to begin with), but he's actually riding a toy tractor. He's completely oblivious to the fact that it has no motor.

See there?
It's got pedals!
HE'S propelling it!

With the gear ratio on that thing, he'll be lucky to break 5 MPH. I mean, he's decent enough to put his blinkers on, but still. At least pull over every once in a while and let some of us pass.


Why Can't I Be Rich?...

I know, I know. Money can't buy happiness. But if I had a lot of money, I wouldn't feel like I had to come to work when I'm still sick.

I literally have snot coming out of every orifice: nose, mouth, ears, tear ducts, asshole. I'm pissing snot. I'm sweating snot. It's ridiculous. When I blow my nose, out come little snot people holding tissues made of snot. You know what they're doing?

Juggling balls of mucus.

Sure, it's kind of neat, but I'd still prefer not to be sick. Or at least be rich.



Megan likes to go to this antique store in our little downtown area. I remember her telling me how they had a room filled with old vinyl records for sale.

"So?" was likely my response.

I don't typically get nostalgic for outdated and already improved-upon technologies. Why would people want to buy records nowadays? The sound quality is all crackly and you have to flip them halfway through. We have CDs and MP3s now and they are much easier to play, transport, and sound much clearer. It's not like I'd go out and buy an old TV without a remote so I could relive the old days.

Well, I went along one day, begrudgingly, to the store because that's what boyfriends do. I admit it was fun to leaf through the large collection they have, not because I wanted to buy anything, but because there was an amusing mixture of pure crap alongside classics. I found a few old Fats Domino albums and a Lionel Hampton live album from the 50s. I also found a copy of Skylarking by XTC, one of my all-time favorite albums. Since they were cheap and Megan was so enthralled, I bought a few, despite the fact we didn't have a record player.

For Christmas, Megan's parents bought us the record played pictured above. It reminds me of the ones we used to have in grade school. You have to place the arm on the record manually, but I like that. You can also hook it up to your computer and actually load songs onto your hard drive.

I must say I was wrong on this one. I love listening to records now. I love the crackle. It's cool. Megan went out today and bought five more. We've got some Simon and Garfunkle, some Joan Baez, and some Mamas And Papas. As I write this I'm listening to Louis Armstrong's "Hello, Dolly" album. It rocks! So if you have a bunch of vinyl you're thinking of throwing out, let me have a crack at them before you do!

Today's Date...


Do you know what today's date is!?

It's 1-2-08!

Or 1208.

That was my old bike lock combination!

That shit isn't gonna happen for another hundred years! Weird.


Some Tired Motivational Cliches To Get You Fired Up For The New Year...

"Let's get ready to RUMBLE!"
-Michael Buffer, Some guy who gets paid to
say this before major sporting events

"Let's kick it up a notch! Bam!"
-Emeril Lagasse, The spazzy guy who cooks.

"Seize the day!"
-Robin Williams, The unconventional teacher
in that poetry movie.

"Just do it."
-Some Nike ad wizard.

"Git'r Done!"
Larry, That comedian with the ripped-off sleeves.

"Stinky poo!"
-Some guy.

Happy New Year everyone!