Hell...

Not too long ago, I was out to lunch with my business partner and his friend, a hardcore conservative Catholic. He and I get into heated debates from time to time. Recently, we were talking about religion. I told him I didn't believe in the existence of hell.

"I can PROVE that hell exists," he said.

"Um, no you can't," I replied.

"Sure I can, but I'd have to kill you first," he said, completely serious.

"OK, but please make it quick," I thought to myself.

Now THAT is some stunning logic. Moron.

To Russia, With Love...

Hey, Comrades! What gives? I've noticed that, according to that Clustrmap thing I installed, no one from your country has checked out my blog yet.

Is it because I haven't done enough posts about Borscht or Matryoshka Dolls? If so, I apologize. I'll try to do better.

Is it because my president refers to your leader as "Pootie-poot"? What can I say? He's a jackass.

Maybe it's because Yakov Smirnoff chose Branson, Missouri over the bright lights of Moscow. Hey, I understand. I'd be bitter, too.

The most likely explanation is that you're too busy watching reruns of "Worker & Parasite".

Whatever the reason, I hope you stop by. I promise, no bread lines!

A Question For You...

All my life I have actively absorbed popular culture like a sponge with a strong work ethic. Television, movies, music, sports - you name it - I've taken notice of it. Much of it I've enjoyed. Even more of it has sucked ass. Either way, all of it can be considered popular culture. My question is this:

Is there such a thing as "unpopular culture" and, if so, what is it?

I Didn't Know She Had Glaucoma...

Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz enjoy a day of sun, fun, and "jazz cigarettes"..

Random Oscar Cleavage...

I noticed there was not as much cleavage at The Oscars this year, but I was able to scrounge some up. Feel free to guess which cleavage belongs to who if you like, but it's really not necessary.

The Finger...

THIS just came in the mail today. I can't wait to read it!

Dumb Donald...

As long as I'm making references to obscure Fat Albert characters, here's a pic of Dumb Donald.

My brother, sister, and I used to refer to him as "Gum Head".

You might ask why it's important for you to know that.

It's not.

Why Giuliani Can't Win...

I sense there aren't many people who read my blog that plan on voting for Giuliani, but in case you're afraid he has a chance of winning, allow me to allay those fears. He cannot win. It's not because he supports gay rights. It's not because his abortion stance is at odds with most republicans. It's not even because of his checkered marital history.

It's because his name is Rudy.

There can't be a president named Rudy.

Rudy is this guy:

Or this girl:
Of course, he could use his given name, Rudolph, but then people think of this:

Periodicals Of My Youth...

Ranger Rick
It had cool pictures of animals and shit. Well, it didn't have pictures of actual shit. I meant that it had pictures of animals AND OTHER THINGS. You probably figured that out, though.

Highlights For Children
I would only read this while waiting for the dentist. I liked to find out how big of a lame-ass Gallant was in each issue.

Boys' Life
This came free with your Cub Scout membership. I never read any of the articles, but I WAS intrigued by the ads in the back claiming you could build your own hovercraft out of an old vacuum cleaner motor and ride it to school. I bet it was bullshit.

Mad Magazine
I remember laughing my ass off reading this, but I don't dare read one now because I know it would shatter any memory I have of this being funny.

Swank Magazine
What can I say? I blossomed at a young age.

Orco...

You suck, dude.

Ask Dick Cheney...

Few people have proven their prescience better than our Vice President, Dick Cheney. From WMDs to flower-bearing Iraqis to Al Qaeda/Saddam connections, he has been right on the money each and every time. It is clear that a talent like this is wasted on a lowly job like Vice President. His true calling was obviously as an advice columnist. I asked Dick to field a couple questions and he generously obliged:

Dear Dick,
We have a neighbor that continues to let their dog poop on our lawn. We have asked repeatedly that they keep the dog on a leash, or at least out of our yard. Nothing seems to work. We'd like to keep the authorities out of it if we can. What should we do?
Signed,
Confused in Carson City

Dear Confused,
I'm 100% certain that your neighbors actually hate their dog. My intelligence sources tell me the dog has been spreading Rabies all over your town. I would recommend acquiring one of those steel bear traps. You know, the ones with the big jaws. When your snare the dog, drape its corpse over the hood of your neighbor's car. Believe me, they will thank you for it and may even bake you a pie to express their gratitude.
-Dick

Dear Dick,
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. Everytime I bring up the subject of marriage, he gets really quiet and changes the subject. I'm beginning to think he'll never be ready for that kind of commitment. Should I just be patient?
Signed,
Confused in Corpus Christi

Dear Confused,
Patience is something you can ill afford at this point. Decisive action is needed. You need to get to a sperm bank and get yourself artificially inseminated right away. Pregnancy has a way of motivating cold-footed boyfriends. If this doesn't work, I know some CIA guys who'd be willing to have a chat with him. After some "prodding", I think he'll come to his senses. Once he does, I guarantee with absolute certainty that your life together with your new child will be a bed of roses!
-Dick

If anyone has any other issues they'd like Dick to weigh in on, leave them in the comments.

Something To Look Forward To...

Get this. I asked a past Oscar-nominee that I've been in contact with if they'd be willing to be interviewed for my blog. They said yes.

Feel free to leave your guesses for who it is in the comments.
A hint: You probably don't know who it is.

A Hornet's Nest...

This POST by Tenacious S reminded me of my own extermination story. Before you remind me, yes, this probably violates my pacifist ideals, but I was young(er) and not yet ready to refrain from insecticide.

At the house I grew up in outside Chicago, we had these planter boxes made from salvaged railroad ties in our backyard. I believe this happened after I had graduated college. I was outside, sitting on one of the ties, using a power drill for some reason. I had forgotten that hornets had taken to building nests in one of them - the one I happened to be sitting on. As soon as the drill fired up, I realized my mistake. Apparently hornets aren't too keen on loud noises close to their nests. You've probably seen cartoons where a swarm of bees attacks someone who fucks with them. They form a cloud to pursue the disruptor and sometimes form an arrow or spell out words. In no time, I was running down my driveway like a crazy-person, violently shaking my arms and legs trying to shoo them away. This just made them angrier. They were all over me - under my shirt, in my hair, and on my face. I even felt one on my eye. I got a bunch of stings - enough that I called the hospital to see if I was in any danger. Fortunately, I'd be OK.

Still, I was upset. Who did these fucking hornets think they were? This was MY house. I decided to ignore the instructions on the can of Raid that said to wait until evening when the hornets were asleep. This needed immediate action. So, I went and gathered up some protective gear. I put on long pants (it was about 90 degrees out) and a long-sleeve shirt. I put on work boots and tucked the pants into them. I got a pair of gloves and tucked the sleeves into them. Around my head was a problem. How could I close off any possible way for these buggers to get at exposed skin? My solution: I found a plastic bag and my ski goggles. I punched two eyeholes in the bag and a tiny mouth hole so I could breath. Then, I covered the eyeholes with the goggles. I looked like a complete idiot! With this protection, I felt emboldened to go right up to the nest's entry point and unload the can of Raid. Hornets came pouring out, writhing as they fell to the ground dead. The little neighbor kids laughed at me for taking such extreme measures, but fuck them. I felt vindicated.

Some Guy's Greatest Hits...

I think now that I have been blogging for a while, it's time to offer my readers what I consider my greatest hits. This may come in handy to my newer readers who may not be familiar with my earlier work. Besides, it's a cheap way to squeeze out another post. Join me in a walk down memory lane, won't you?

• The Dawning Of A New Day... (The one that started it all.)
• Hollywood Laziness... (I am a sick fuck.)
• Ever Notice... (I thought this was clever, but I doubt anyone else did.)
• Media Bitchlick, Numero Uno... (A fan favorite.)
• A Clerk's Moment... (I get a lot of hits for this one because OKGO is big now.)
• The Post Where I Lose A Bunch Of Friends... (I thought I made a compelling case.)
  
• Four Word Review... (I like the short posts the best.)
• A Perfect Day In The Future, Part One... (The ladies love this one.)
  
• Trying To Be An Informed Consumer... (Random craziness.)
• A Christmas-Flavored Tag... (Every Greatest Hits has to have a Christmas tune.)
  

Politics Of Personal Destruction...

Not to be a gossip hound or anything, but did you guys hear that Barack Obama pissed in Hillary Clinton's coffee? Then, I heard that Hillary beat Barack's dog with a shovel.

Luckily, they're all over this story over at Fox News.

Since It's Not Up On Casual Slack Yet...

Don't forget The Office tonight - 8:30/7:30 Central.

MAKING IT OFFICIAL - Michael and Jan go public with their relationship during a party at their CFO's home. At the party, Jim meets Karen's ex. Meanwhile, the rest of the office decides to go to happy hour for drinks.

Cushioned Toilet Seats...

I'm just not sure about these things. There's one on the toilet at my office.

Here's the thing: My ass is already pretty cushy. Setting it upon a cushy toilet seat creates an ultra-cushy situation that's a little unnerving. You might say, "Well, your couch is cushy and you enjoy sitting on IT, don't you?" Sure I do, but I don't usually take a dump on it. I'm probably not making any sense, but what else is new? My point is, I like my toilet to be as utilitarian as possible - free of bright colors and unaesthetic in its design.


Boy, I'm really starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel now with posts like this...

McDonald's Glassware...

Growing up, the bulk of the glassware at our house consisted of McDonald's collectible glassware. I don't know if my parent's were just frugal or if they admired the inspiring animation and bright colors. It probably had more to do with my brother and sister and I bugging the shit out of them until they got them for us. I can remember having these pictured above from "The Great Muppet Caper". We also had some with the different McDonald's characters - Ronald, Grimace, etc. Then there were some with the Peanuts characters at summer camp. They would break from time to time and need to be replaced by another series, like The Empire Strikes Back. There was one that had a Smurf on it, too, but I think it came from a Hardee's we stopped at on the way back from the Wisconsin Dells..

Have Fun With All Your Lenten Sacrifices...

SUCKERS!

But hey, I'm sure the fact that you're not gonna eat chocolate for the next 40 days will pave the way for your entrance into heaven. Go ahead and laugh at me all you want as I peer through the pearly gates from the outside. It will have been my own damn fault.

Good News In Iraq...

I've just about had it with the mainstream media. For too long I've had to listen to their "doom and gloom" stories out of Iraq, despite all the progress we are obviously making. Well, sometimes direct action is required. I decided to go to Iraq myself in hopes that I could be a conduit for all those positive stories the media thinks we just can't stomach. What I found was eye-opening. There are TONS of good stories to report from Iraq. Here are just a few:

• Some family in Ramallah actually got to run an electric fan for six minutes last Thursday.
• The automotive scrap-yard industry is claiming record profits for the fourth straight year.
  
• The water that comes out of Baghdad drinking fountains is now only 40% sand. That's down 10% from three years ago!
  
• Private contractors have completed painting the rubble of what was once Fallujah South High School.
• Troops are winning hearts and minds by politely removing muddy shoes before doing door-to-door searches.
• Baghdad International Airport now features a Quizno's.
• Hospitals are now equiped to offer anesthesia during surgery.
  
• Some guy in Tikrit smiled the other day.
  

Hey Everyone!...

How 'bout a Fresca?

I Don't Know About You...

But when I saw this:
I immediately thought of this:

*Disclaimer: I fought every urge to post something about Ms. Spears new coif (or lack thereof), but, alas, I could not resist. Please feel free to place all blame for the downward spiral of our nation's media at my feet. I deserve your indignation.

Dear America,...

I like to lick my own asshole.

Sincerely,
Sean Hannity

I Fucking LOVE Skiing...

Yesterday was one of those perfect skiing days you dream about. The snow was nice, I didn't have to tend to any injuries, and, while it wasn't particularly warm, the sun was out which made it very pleasant. My achy muscles are a small price to pay for such a fine day.

In the cafeteria at the resort where I patrol, they have big screens and play Warren Miller films throughout the day. Most people who are into skiing know Warren Miller. He has been making skiing films for years and has an unmistakable voice which he adds for narration. The films are beautifully shot and often include humor and exotic locales not often associated with skiing, like Iran or Kenya. For those of you who can't understand the allure of skiing, I highly recommend checking out his films. Here's a few clips from his film, "Cold Fusion". Part of it was filmed where I patrol.

Assman Update...

I'd like to thank all of you for the nice comments regarding The Assman. He is about a week into his treatment and it has been a tense, confusing experience. I was told to give him 2 units of insulin, twice a day, and feed him special food for diabetic cats. He is supposed to eat around the same time he gets his shots. For this first week I wanted to be faithful to what the vet told me to do. I was very precise with when I did the injections. The problem was that he refused to eat the new food. He has always fed himself throughout the day, so I knew getting him to eat at specific times would be a struggle. Turns out, getting him to eat AT ALL has been tough. I called the vet Friday. He told me to see if he'd eat his old food with some of the new stuff mixed in. He also said that it's OK to skip an injection if he seems really lethargic (which he did). I skipped Friday night and Saturday night's injections. Since then I have been giving him slightly less than two units to see what that does. He seems more energetic and has at least eaten a little, although not as much as I'd like. Tomorrow he goes in to see how his glucose levels are. Again, I appreciate your positive thoughts!

Name Dropping...

Yes, I know it's obnoxious, but I thought I'd tell you that my Uncle Vernon was once buddies with Orville Redenbacher (pictured above, inexplicably, with Thurston Howell III and his wife, Lovey).

So, basically, I'm next in line to take over the entire Redenbacher popcorn empire.

Don't be jealous.

I Ask Lulu Questions And She Answers Them...

Over Christmas I had the pleasure of meeting Lulu in Chicago. Megan and I got to spent time with her at Simon's in Andersonville, an old school Scandinavian bar that was serving Glogg. Friendships were formed instantly. I recently sat down with her to pick her brain a little. As always, her answers appear in BOLD.

-I'm here with Chicago 's own Lulu, a popular blogger, ardent bibliophile, and lover of mashed potatoes. Lulu, baby, what's shakin'?

Hi Chris. Thanks for having me.

-Before we get started, can I get you something to drink?

Martini please, which, if you really are a long-time reader of my blog, you will know is properly made with gin, not vodka. Three olives please.

-Why don't we get right to it. Lutefisk. Explain to our non-Scandinavian friends what this is and why the hell anyone with any sense would put it in their mouth?

Scandinavians have a very high rate of suicide, Chris, among the highest in the world; they also have a very high rate of alcoholism. I think there is a connection between these and their voluntary consumption of dried cod soaked in caustic soda. Basically, they take fish and preserve it in lye, so that they have something to eat when the reindeer meat runs out. Well, that was the excuse a few hundred years ago, since the advent of frozen pizza, there's really no reason for eating it, except sheer stubbornness.

-You teach high school English. What are your thoughts regarding recent reports that part of the revised "No Child Left Behind" Act will include bringing back dunce caps?

Cool. Any chance that they'll bring back the paddle?

-I understand you don't own a TV. What do you do to get your daily dose of Regis Philbin?

Technically, I do own a television. However, I refuse to get cable, and the reception in my building is terrible. I can get PBS if I stand right next to the set, otherwise everything is a mess of static. I really just use the television to watch movies. I actually do watch a fair amount of TV at the gym. I try to time my workout so that I can catch the back-to-back episodes of Scrubs on Comedy Central.

-You claim to be a fan of punk rock. Describe an instance when you had to make someone aware that they were, in fact, a "poser".

I had a student show up one day wearing a lipring; later in class, we started talking about giving blood, and Michael said that he could never do it, because he was scared of needles. I asked him about the lipring and she pulled it off his lip and showed me that it was a fake. I referred to him for the rest of the year, well, until he dropped out, as "Michael the Poser". Maybe that's why he dropped out?

-I was reading that bouncers and middle-aged Mexican men always seem to have a thing for you. To what do you attribute this attraction?

I have large breasts, Chris.

-Settle a bet for me. Is freedom free or not?

I went on Froogle, and I found Freedom brand cheerleading shoes for $44.95, does that help?

-Something is fucked up with my car right now. Something with the clutch. It's in the shop today.

I follow the Christian Scientist theory of car repair, which basically means that I turn up the radio when my car makes a noise. I have no idea how cars work, but I suspect it has something to do with hamsters running on wheels. Maybe you should buy a bag of carrots, or some Purina Hamster Chow.

-Baby Jesus is granting you three wishes, but they all must start with the letter Q. What are they?

A new quarterback for the Bears. Some quinine water, aka tonic water, mixed with gin, ice and a big wedge of lime. And some quiet.

-Thanks, Lulu. You've been a real sport. I think this interview has provided us all with a window into your soul. I appreciate it!

Anytime Chris.

*A quick programming note: I know some of you are still looking forward to your moment in the sun when I interview you (*cough* Boob Lady). I will try to do one of these a week, but no guarantees. It's a guy's turn next. Any volunteers? If not, I'll be forced to pick.

Now Do You Understand Why I Love The Internets?...

I'll bet you all thought that you would go your entire lives without seeing
Cowboys quarterback, Tony Romo, and"Saved By The Bell's" Principal Richard Belding (AKA Dennis Haskins) performing a duet of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing". Well, think again! Check THIS out! As an added bonus, you get to hear Mr. Belding tell someone to "Shut the fuck up" AND sing part of the SBTB theme song. Happy Friday, everyone!

A Thing Of Beauty...

My loyal readers know me as a connoisseur when it comes to frozen pizza. Well, last night I made what may go down as THE most perfect frozen pizza I've ever made. The cheese was brown around the edges (I buy plain cheese Jack's) and bubbly in the middle. The crust was crisp, but in no way burnt, and still retained some of it's chewiness. If I was in 4-H, this fucker would've won the blue fucking ribbon at the county fair, let me tell you.

I know what you're thinking: "Is this post funny?"

No, it's not.

Frozen pizza is serious damn business, dammit!

Painfully Unfunny...

Seems Fox News is trying to present their own version of The Daily Show, but with a conservative slant. Unfortunately for them, they forgot that conservatives are slightly less funny than a wet paper sack. Watch THIS and I'm sure you'll agree. Yikes!

Turd Alert...

For the love of god, make it stop!

Seriously...
Fuck you, Cruise.
Fuck you, Stiller.
Fuck you, Hollywood.
Fuck you, ignorant people that will pay money to see THIS.

Can't you see that it's YOU they're laughing at?

Happy Valentine's Day To All!...

To those of you without a Valentine this year, I can relate. I went many years without one. During this drought, I learned the best ways to cope:

• Drink (a lot)
• Listen to songs like "Love Bites" by Def Leppard or Bobby Darin's "Down With Love".
• Get one of those heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, eat all the candy rapidly, then fill the box with M-80s and pretend it's the Fourth Of July instead.
• Buy a cheap spray bottle and fill it with liquid nitrogen. If any of the jackasses at work get bouquets of flowers, give 'em a little spritz and then crush them with a fly-swatter.
• Go to a romantic restaurant, find a couple of lovebirds staring doe-eyed at each other, and flick boogers at them.

Or you could start a blog, write a bunch of slightly humorous shit, and slowly but surely woo a member of the opposite sex that lives a thousand miles away. It just might work!

I'm Having a Rough Go Of It...

Yesterday I learned that my cat has diabetes. While there is a chance that the vet can get his insulin regulated, the most likely treatment would require twice daily insulin injections. As much as I would like to think that I could faithfully administer these shots everyday, I know that it's pretty unlikely. There is also the chance that the cat will resent me and always be afraid that I'm going to give him a shot. Left untreated, he will lose weight and grow increasingly unhealthy. This is tearing me apart.

I know everyone thinks their pet is the best. I have had many pets in the past (a dog, cats, a rabbit, a parakeet, and many hamsters) and I've loved each of them. This one is different. He's special. I've often said he acts a lot like a dog. In fact, I think he has the best attributes of both cats and dogs. He is always waiting by the door for me when I get home from work. At my old place, he used to pop up in the big picture window when I'd pull into the driveway. He is vocal and will speak on command. He is also independant and does not need constant attention. He lived in the woods before I got him, so he's a bit of a hunter. He has been a loyal companion through some pretty lonely times. The thought of not having him around sucks. Sorry I can't give you anything funny right now, but I feel like total crap and I'm not sure what to do.

**Edited to add: Thanks for the comments, everyone. I feel like a royal asshole. How could I even consider not doing whatever is necessary to give my cat the quality of life he deserves? It wasn't the injecting that I was dreading, but the making sure he got the injections everyday in case I'm not around. I will just have to make adjustments. He is more than worth it. I'm not as freaked out as I was and know what I have to do.

**Update: Last night I started The Assman on his injections. Luckily, the cat does not seem to really notice (like some of you predicted). Thanks again for the encouragement, everybody. I think I'll be able to make this work!