2/10/2007

I Ask Bill O'Reilly Questions And He "Answers" Them...

In what can only be described as a journalistic "coup", I was recently given the opportunity to interview Fox News powerhouse and king of dirty-talk, Bill O'Reilly. Before we get to the interview, I should describe the circumstances of our meeting. I was ushered into O'Reilly's "Throne Room" in the bowels of the Fox News headquarters by two gentlemen dressed like those red Imperial Guards in "Return Of The Jedi" where I found the humble host, surrounded by concubines, dressed like Belloq right before he opens the ark. When I arrived, he shooed his harem with two quick snaps, told me to "Kneel before Zod", and we started the interview. As usual, his answers appear in BOLD:

SG: Hello, Mr. O'Reilly. Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant me this interview.

BOR: Shut up.

SG: Um, OK, but can I just ask you a few questions?

BOR: You're a far-left pinhead, aren't you?

SG: I'm not sure what you're talking about.

BOR: Didn't I tell you to shut up!?

SG: You did, but I'm trying to...

BOR: But nothing! I can spot a Bush-hater a mile away!!

SG: I really don't...

BOR: If it were up to you, Saddam would still have rape-rooms!

SG: Can I...

BOR: RAPE ROOMS!!!

SG: I'm not sure what...

BOR: SHUT UP!!!

SG: I can see this isn't going anywhere. Should I come back later?

BOR: I like pinwheels.

SG: Huh?

BOR: For the last time, SHUT UP!!!!!!

SG: I think I'm gonna leave, OK?

BOR: Good. Before you go, can I interest you in some "Factor Gear"? We've got lovely "The Spin Stops Here" doormats for $39.95. They make great Valentine's Day gifts.

SG: Um, no thanks.

BOR: SHUT UP!


*Disclaimer: This interview is purely fictional and never fucking happened. Any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.

6 comments:

Megan said...

That was very fair and balanced, Chris. But he is gonna totally sue your ass.

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Perhaps you should have brought him some loofahs.

The Boob Lady said...

I'm still waiting for my interview... And I agree with Megan.. See you in court.

Johnny Yen said...

Hey-- if you had a comb-over that bad, you'd be bitter too...

Bill O'Reilley said...

Chris, you are a cunt-ass peehole.

genn6 said...

That sounds pretty real to me, Mr. Disclaimer....I'm calling Libby.