In what can only be described as a journalistic "coup", I was recently given the opportunity to interview Fox News powerhouse and king of dirty-talk, Bill O'Reilly. Before we get to the interview, I should describe the circumstances of our meeting. I was ushered into O'Reilly's "Throne Room" in the bowels of the Fox News headquarters by two gentlemen dressed like those red Imperial Guards in "Return Of The Jedi" where I found the humble host, surrounded by concubines, dressed like Belloq right before he opens the ark. When I arrived, he shooed his harem with two quick snaps, told me to "Kneel before Zod", and we started the interview. As usual, his answers appear in BOLD:
SG: Hello, Mr. O'Reilly. Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant me this interview.
BOR: Shut up.
SG: Um, OK, but can I just ask you a few questions?
BOR: You're a far-left pinhead, aren't you?
SG: I'm not sure what you're talking about.
BOR: Didn't I tell you to shut up!?
SG: You did, but I'm trying to...
BOR: But nothing! I can spot a Bush-hater a mile away!!
SG: I really don't...
BOR: If it were up to you, Saddam would still have rape-rooms!
SG: Can I...
BOR: RAPE ROOMS!!!
SG: I'm not sure what...
BOR: SHUT UP!!!
SG: I can see this isn't going anywhere. Should I come back later?
BOR: I like pinwheels.
BOR: For the last time, SHUT UP!!!!!!
SG: I think I'm gonna leave, OK?
BOR: Good. Before you go, can I interest you in some "Factor Gear"? We've got lovely "The Spin Stops Here" doormats for $39.95. They make great Valentine's Day gifts.
SG: Um, no thanks.
BOR: SHUT UP!
*Disclaimer: This interview is purely fictional and never fucking happened. Any similarity to actual events is purely coincidental.