2/23/2007

Ask Dick Cheney...

Few people have proven their prescience better than our Vice President, Dick Cheney. From WMDs to flower-bearing Iraqis to Al Qaeda/Saddam connections, he has been right on the money each and every time. It is clear that a talent like this is wasted on a lowly job like Vice President. His true calling was obviously as an advice columnist. I asked Dick to field a couple questions and he generously obliged:

Dear Dick,
We have a neighbor that continues to let their dog poop on our lawn. We have asked repeatedly that they keep the dog on a leash, or at least out of our yard. Nothing seems to work. We'd like to keep the authorities out of it if we can. What should we do?
Signed,
Confused in Carson City

Dear Confused,
I'm 100% certain that your neighbors actually hate their dog. My intelligence sources tell me the dog has been spreading Rabies all over your town. I would recommend acquiring one of those steel bear traps. You know, the ones with the big jaws. When your snare the dog, drape its corpse over the hood of your neighbor's car. Believe me, they will thank you for it and may even bake you a pie to express their gratitude.
-Dick

Dear Dick,
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. Everytime I bring up the subject of marriage, he gets really quiet and changes the subject. I'm beginning to think he'll never be ready for that kind of commitment. Should I just be patient?
Signed,
Confused in Corpus Christi

Dear Confused,
Patience is something you can ill afford at this point. Decisive action is needed. You need to get to a sperm bank and get yourself artificially inseminated right away. Pregnancy has a way of motivating cold-footed boyfriends. If this doesn't work, I know some CIA guys who'd be willing to have a chat with him. After some "prodding", I think he'll come to his senses. Once he does, I guarantee with absolute certainty that your life together with your new child will be a bed of roses!
-Dick

If anyone has any other issues they'd like Dick to weigh in on, leave them in the comments.

4 comments:

RandyLuvsPaiste said...

Hey Chris- feed him this:

Dear Mr. Vice President-
I have an openly lesbian daughter, but the only way I can keep my job is to stir up bigotry in the form of homophobic wedge issues.
Should I be a man and stick up for my family or sell my daughter down the river?
Thanks-
A Real Dick

The [Cherry] Ride said...

Chris:
I think he'll really like this one:

Dear Mr. Veep:

I'm in a loving, committed relationship with a great man. We can't have kids but we want to adopt. Do you think it makes sense for us to try an adopt a child from the US, or from overseas (China for example) where there is not only a great need, but a simpler process?

You're guidance would be appreciated.

PS - Did I mention we're also GAY?

Dick said...

Dear "A Real Dick",
Too easy. When the topic comes up, blame the nearest democrat. Any democrat will do. Don't worry about being called evasive. Our nation's media will lie down soon enough. If they don't just invoke the War On Terror and 9-11. Works every time!
-Dick

dick said...

Dear Cherry-
Sorry. Other than my daughter, I don't speak to gay people. In fact, I don't even like talking to her much. Just thinking about her rubbing her tittie-balls up against that woman makes me want to wretch.

-Dick