Few people have proven their prescience better than our Vice President, Dick Cheney. From WMDs to flower-bearing Iraqis to Al Qaeda/Saddam connections, he has been right on the money each and every time. It is clear that a talent like this is wasted on a lowly job like Vice President. His true calling was obviously as an advice columnist. I asked Dick to field a couple questions and he generously obliged:
We have a neighbor that continues to let their dog poop on our lawn. We have asked repeatedly that they keep the dog on a leash, or at least out of our yard. Nothing seems to work. We'd like to keep the authorities out of it if we can. What should we do?
Confused in Carson City
I'm 100% certain that your neighbors actually hate their dog. My intelligence sources tell me the dog has been spreading Rabies all over your town. I would recommend acquiring one of those steel bear traps. You know, the ones with the big jaws. When your snare the dog, drape its corpse over the hood of your neighbor's car. Believe me, they will thank you for it and may even bake you a pie to express their gratitude.
My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. Everytime I bring up the subject of marriage, he gets really quiet and changes the subject. I'm beginning to think he'll never be ready for that kind of commitment. Should I just be patient?
Confused in Corpus Christi
Patience is something you can ill afford at this point. Decisive action is needed. You need to get to a sperm bank and get yourself artificially inseminated right away. Pregnancy has a way of motivating cold-footed boyfriends. If this doesn't work, I know some CIA guys who'd be willing to have a chat with him. After some "prodding", I think he'll come to his senses. Once he does, I guarantee with absolute certainty that your life together with your new child will be a bed of roses!
If anyone has any other issues they'd like Dick to weigh in on, leave them in the comments.