I Ask Lulu Questions And She Answers Them...

Over Christmas I had the pleasure of meeting Lulu in Chicago. Megan and I got to spent time with her at Simon's in Andersonville, an old school Scandinavian bar that was serving Glogg. Friendships were formed instantly. I recently sat down with her to pick her brain a little. As always, her answers appear in BOLD.

-I'm here with Chicago 's own Lulu, a popular blogger, ardent bibliophile, and lover of mashed potatoes. Lulu, baby, what's shakin'?

Hi Chris. Thanks for having me.

-Before we get started, can I get you something to drink?

Martini please, which, if you really are a long-time reader of my blog, you will know is properly made with gin, not vodka. Three olives please.

-Why don't we get right to it. Lutefisk. Explain to our non-Scandinavian friends what this is and why the hell anyone with any sense would put it in their mouth?

Scandinavians have a very high rate of suicide, Chris, among the highest in the world; they also have a very high rate of alcoholism. I think there is a connection between these and their voluntary consumption of dried cod soaked in caustic soda. Basically, they take fish and preserve it in lye, so that they have something to eat when the reindeer meat runs out. Well, that was the excuse a few hundred years ago, since the advent of frozen pizza, there's really no reason for eating it, except sheer stubbornness.

-You teach high school English. What are your thoughts regarding recent reports that part of the revised "No Child Left Behind" Act will include bringing back dunce caps?

Cool. Any chance that they'll bring back the paddle?

-I understand you don't own a TV. What do you do to get your daily dose of Regis Philbin?

Technically, I do own a television. However, I refuse to get cable, and the reception in my building is terrible. I can get PBS if I stand right next to the set, otherwise everything is a mess of static. I really just use the television to watch movies. I actually do watch a fair amount of TV at the gym. I try to time my workout so that I can catch the back-to-back episodes of Scrubs on Comedy Central.

-You claim to be a fan of punk rock. Describe an instance when you had to make someone aware that they were, in fact, a "poser".

I had a student show up one day wearing a lipring; later in class, we started talking about giving blood, and Michael said that he could never do it, because he was scared of needles. I asked him about the lipring and she pulled it off his lip and showed me that it was a fake. I referred to him for the rest of the year, well, until he dropped out, as "Michael the Poser". Maybe that's why he dropped out?

-I was reading that bouncers and middle-aged Mexican men always seem to have a thing for you. To what do you attribute this attraction?

I have large breasts, Chris.

-Settle a bet for me. Is freedom free or not?

I went on Froogle, and I found Freedom brand cheerleading shoes for $44.95, does that help?

-Something is fucked up with my car right now. Something with the clutch. It's in the shop today.

I follow the Christian Scientist theory of car repair, which basically means that I turn up the radio when my car makes a noise. I have no idea how cars work, but I suspect it has something to do with hamsters running on wheels. Maybe you should buy a bag of carrots, or some Purina Hamster Chow.

-Baby Jesus is granting you three wishes, but they all must start with the letter Q. What are they?

A new quarterback for the Bears. Some quinine water, aka tonic water, mixed with gin, ice and a big wedge of lime. And some quiet.

-Thanks, Lulu. You've been a real sport. I think this interview has provided us all with a window into your soul. I appreciate it!

Anytime Chris.

*A quick programming note: I know some of you are still looking forward to your moment in the sun when I interview you (*cough* Boob Lady). I will try to do one of these a week, but no guarantees. It's a guy's turn next. Any volunteers? If not, I'll be forced to pick.