Those of you who know me know that I have a big problem with Hollywood's continued insistence on adapting TV sitcoms for motion picture release. In essence it's nothing more than tossing shit at the screen and seeing what sticks. For some, this post may be a bit of a rerun, but I feel it's worthy of further discussion, so bite me.
I found out not too long ago that the next cinematic abortion in this vein is a movie remake of "Welcome Back, Kotter" starring Ice Cube. I started thinking about other potential shows begging for the same treatment. I have a number of proposals to share if I sense an interest. One that has proven popular is my synopsis for "Golden Girls: The Movie". Be warned, this is not for small children or religious fundamentalists:
As the baby-boomers get older, Hollywood is sure to cater towards this new growing bloc of moviegoers. As such, what better sitcom to adapt for the silver screen than Golden Girls and its tales of four post-menopausal women living in Miami Beach and their never-ending search for laughs (and cocks!). The four housemates: Sophia (a bawdy-talking Sicilian, played by former first lady, Barbara Bush), Dorothy (Sophia's misanthropic lesbian daughter, played by a water buffalo), Blanche (a lusty southern belle in flowing silken housecoats, played by Della Reese), and Rose (a semi-retarded Minnesotan with a useless anecdote for any situation, played by Chris Burke of "Life Goes On" - in drag). The movie finds the gang moving into a new home. An opening montage sequence conveys all the pitfalls and pratfalls involved in moving (boxes everywhere, not being able to find the one with all the dildos, etc.). In a touching moment, Sophia empties the contents of her colostomy bag like a squirt gun onto an unsuspecting Rose as Blanche and Dorothy point and laugh. Actually, Dorothy can neither point or laugh as she is a water buffalo, so she just sort of snorts and bucks her hind legs. Rose wipes the contents from her eyes, at first a little pissed off, then, realizing that its all in good fun, chuckles herself. As the girls settle in it becomes clear that something is amiss. The house is haunted! After the initial shock and fright wear off, the new residents become used to their new undead houseguests. We see them playing Mah-jong together, knitting sweaters that turn out to be WAY too big for any normal person (hilarious!), and cursing at the children that run across their yard. After a certain degree of trust and friendship is established between the girls and their poltergeist counterparts, a secret is revealed. It seems that there is one way the ghosts can be released from their earthly confines and finally rest in peace. They tell the four that if they are able to piss simultaneously and cross the four piss-streams in mid-air, the spell will be broken. Wanting to assist their new friends, the girls agree. It takes a bit of manuevering and flexibility, but they finally make it happen (but not after getting soaked to the bone!) At long last the ghosts are freed, but in a last minute change of heart, decide they can't leave the girls. The girls are thrilled not only that their friends decide to remain, but that they have discoved a new love - golden showers! The movie ends in a complete piss-fest with the girls drenching each other, gargling urine, and laughing and farting a lot, all to the strains of "Walkin On Sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves. The movie shows the tender bonds that develop between the apparitions and their octagenarian friends. Fun for the whole family!