8/10/2006

The Post Where I Lose A Bunch Of Friends...

This will be my longest and most controversial post to date.

For all my female readers, I have a confession to make. Like many men, I don’t understand you. Don’t get me wrong, I like you a lot. I can carry on an intelligent conversation with many of you and laugh along with most of you without any problem. However, when it comes to what makes you tick or what you’re thinking deep down, I’m clueless and always have been. Now, I’m sure there are just as many women who feel the same way about us men. In order to improve communication, I intend to be a beacon of truth regarding what men are thinking, but may not express. Before I go on, I have a little compatibility test. There are five indicators I use to gauge the sense of humor of females. If you can appreciate at least ONE of the following things, chances are, we’d get along fine. They are:
-Bill Hicks
-Tenacious D
-Chappelle’s Show
-The Aristocrats (No, not the Disney cartoon – that’s The AristoCATS)
-Family Guy
There are plenty more that apply, but let’s start with these five. If you are unfamiliar with all of these or are otherwise uptight or squeamish, I recommend you stop reading this post now.

O.K., so I was talking to a friend on the phone last night. We came to an important conclusion. Due to the fact that we are in what I’d call “dark times” in this country, something drastic needs to be done to keep up morale on the home front. I think we can all agree, times are tense. We’re at war. Citizens are dying. Poor people are dying. People are increasingly quick to anger. Many single people do not have regular access to sex. There are terrible hurricanes. It’s enough to get you down.

While I can’t speak for women, I know with absolute certainty what would cheer up at least the heterosexual men in this country: more beautiful, young female Hollywood celebrities showing their breasts. Before everyone freaks out, let’s consider a few things:

-Every heterosexual male alive wants to see more beautiful female celebrities without their tops on. If they say they don’t, they are lying. I don’t care how religious you are. As much as you may fight the urge, you want to see them, too.

-One argument commonly heard is that a move like this may ruin a young performer’s career. I’ll name three actresses – Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and Jennifer Connelly – each a respected actress that has appeared topless, sometimes completely naked, in not just one, but multiple films. I don’t see them complaining about trouble finding work. If you don’t like the examples I provided, there are tons more I could cite.

-Most likely, the women I have in mind for this will, in the twilight of their careers, see the necessity to bare all in order to stay relevant. To them I say, why not do it now, while you’re young and your country needs you? It is something you can do to brighten the day of millions of people.

-Before I get accused of being an evil misogynist, I would be equally supportive of similar measures geared towards cheering up the female population. Like I said, I can only speak for the men. Seriously, is it even shocking anymore to say that men are interested in seeing female breasts? Does it come as a big surprise to anyone? Can’t we just accept this, once and for all, and get over it? We like boobies, deal with it.

-Actresses, please don’t tell me you won’t do it because you don’t want to be objectified sexually. I’m afraid it’s too late for that.

-In a broader sense, I question the intelligence of a society that says it’s perfectly O.K. for my morbidly obese neighbor with boobs that rival Pam Anderson's to work in his yard without a shirt on, but you show half a second of Janet Jackson’s obscured nipple, and our country blows a gasket. I think even most women will agree something's out of whack.

I would never ask someone to do something they didn’t want to do. This is merely a request that comes as a result of desperate times, not unlike asking people to conserve tin during World War II. To the following women, I ask you to do your part in this so-called Global War On Terrah. Show us the goods. You’re bound to do it eventually anyway. You’ll be making a lot of people happy, like a ray a sunshine penetrating an otherwise dark sky. For the record, paparazzi shots do not qualify. The nudity must occur in a film or in a fully sanctioned photo shoot. I am going to start a list of candidates that have not, to my knowledge, intentionally shown their breasts yet. Feel free to add your own:

Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Heather Locklear, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Kirsten Dunst, Courteney Cox, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, Christina Aguilera, Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick)

O.K., your turn…

7 comments:

Frank Sirmarco said...

The Olsen Twins, Lindsay Lohan, Condoleezza Rice, Jennie Garth, Eliza Dushku, Erin Andrews, Mariah Carey, Barbara Bush, Hillary Duff, Rachel McAdams, Mila Kunis.

Chris said...

Thanks, Frank. All good ones. Please, others, do your part to expand this list.

vikkitikkitavi said...

I'm not sure if you're aware, Chris, but Valerie Perrine was a pioneer in the field of actresses showing their breasts in movies, and actually became the first to employ the so-called "Valerie Perrine clause," a contractual point that obligates the film producers to include as least one frontal shot of her bare breasts in the feature.

And look where she is today!

Chris said...

Thought of some more: Evangeline Lilly, Mischa Barton, Jessica Biel, Lacey Chabert,Emilie De Ravin, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Amanda Bynes, Kate Bosworth, Jenna Fischer, Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Lopez, Alyson Hannigan, Christine Taylor, Christina Applegate, Linda Cardellini, Rachel Leigh Cook, Alicia Silverstone, Maggie Grace, Keri Russell

dirty said...

Chris...

I have to agree...woman should just get naked. It's only skin, right? And your list is grand...my husband would also agree with you. I'm not sure if you are a regular HBO watcher but my husband has this theory on HBO...and this theory is that HBO loves dick and never shows enough female nudity. I have seen far too many naked packages and not nearly enough boobs because let's just face it...the female body is a work of art and what you guys got just isn't as cute.
...but if you are growing boobs yourself like earlier stated at the Official wouldn't this mean you have your very own boobs to play with...

I suppose it's just not quite the same...

Chris said...

Vikki: I would argue Valerie Perrine has had a fairly successful career. She was Miss Teschmacher after all! My point is, for every Phoebe Cates, who after her infamous topless scene didn't do too much of note, there are five Jennifer Jason Leighs, actresses who have had steady careers filled with nudity.

Dirty: Nice to have female affirmation. Alas, my man-boob campaign has come to an end. I saw a picture of Jack Nicholson with his shirt off and it scared me straight.

dirty said...

That is very manly of you to admit Chris...cheers!