2/02/2007

For My Homosexual Readers...

Have I got news for you! As I write this, there exists a revolutionary new program created by a man named Donnie Davies that you may be interested in. Here is how Donnie describes it:
C.H.O.P.S is the powerful new program developed by Christian Youth expert Donnie Davies. C.H.O.P.S stands for CHANGING HOMOSEXUALS into ORDINARY PEOPLE.

If you have been having feelings that you DO NOT want to have towards people of the same sex as you, then this is the program for you.

If you've been acting on those same feelings, then this is DEFINATELY (sic) the program you've been looking for.
He goes on to say that if you follow him, together you can "C.H.O.P.S. away the gay." That's the sort of cleverness I've come to expect from fundamentalist Christians. I mean, check out the ingenius logo. The top represents the redeemed homosexual, complete with halo (and rippling biceps, I might add). The bottom (where the naughty bits happen to be) represents the evil sinner, complete with devil's tail.

I don't know about you, but this seems like a very generous offer. You gay people have NO IDEA how wonderful it is to be ordinary (for more proof, watch the movie "Ordinary People". It will illustrate my point quite well.) You are TOTALLY missing out! So come on! Discover the joys of ordinary-ness! While you're visiting Donnie's site, check out his list of music that might turn you gay. Some artists include:
  • Cole Porter
  • The Doors
  • Metallica
  • The Rolling Stones
  • Ted Nugent (huh?)
  • Frank Sinatra.
Instead of listening to this Satan-music, check out THIS VIDEO of Donnie himself singing a song that is SURE to be a hit!

I fucking give up.

**Disclaimer: For those unaware of my sarcastic streak, the preceding post should be read with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

23 comments:

lulu said...

Well, d'uh, of course listening to Queen will make you gay, but Wilco? really?

Chris said...

I say we flood his e-mail with more bands that "tend gay". He must just take people's words for it, because that list has grown just in the past few days since I first saw it.

Frank Sirmarco said...

What does the asterisk next to Boy George mean? Perhaps that he is SUPER gay?

I'm with Chris: inundate this guy with e-mail, people!

coffeypot said...

Does this go for lesbians, too? I won’t join CHOPS because I like being a lesbian. My wife likes me being a lesbian. Most of the women I have ever dated liked me being a lesbian. I refuse to give it up. The only think I don’t like about being a dedicated lesbian is all the hair balls I have to cough up. That is annoying.

Amy said...

Reminds me of this indie movie "But I'm a Cheerleader", where these kids have to go to a place called True Directions to turn them straight. It's a funny movie.

Chef Boyz-R-Neat said...

I took the course. I failed miserably. Although Mister Ted Haggard was VERY supportive of me.. well when no one was around, that is.

Chef Boyz-R-Neat said...

Nice post, Chris!

Johnny Yen said...

That list is hilarious, given that Frank Sinatra's music has been helping straight men get laid for about the past 60 years.

Elizabeth said...

What...no Streisand?!

Chef Boyz-R-Neat said...

I was often asked when "it happened". Personally, I believe it was when I received that Cat Scratch Fever album by Ted Nugent. Well also when I used to "borrow" my dad's Tiger Beat and Boy's Life mags.

Big Orange said...

you know, that logo of the bicept boy kinda' makes me horny... Are there going to be lots of other cute boys in the class, too? Maybe we could all sign up and cruise each other??

Flannery Alden said...

Will listening to Clay Aiken make me gay?

Johnny Yen said...

It's funny, my best friend Jim, who is gay, and I had the "when you knew" discussion years ago. He said he knew by the time he was like 10. I knew I was straight when I spent my whole Kindergarten year stalking a doe-eyed brunette named Rebecca, who didn't know I existed.

snowywoodz said...

Well if C.H.O.P.S. stands for Changing Homosexuals into Ordinary People, what about the 'S' at the end. What does that stand for?? And what about the 'I'??

The logo is so Village People by the way.

Megan said...

Plus what the hell is that tail growing out of?

Dale said...

Tongue in cheek? I've got another idea for something you can put in there.

Megan said...

Chris, who does not have internet access at home and can therefore not relay this message, wants you to know that you cannot fully appreciate the craziness that is Donnie without watching the video. So go back and click on the video link! (please)

lulu said...

Moterhead?

I like how Elton John is listed as "really gay" but Morrisey os only "questionable"

Mombi said...

It's been about two weeks since I sent my tongue in cheek reply to this guy... I'm kinda pissed he didn't write back. I mean... jesus would have written back.

Megan said...

So if you listen to nothing BUT Elton John will you turn gay faster? How exactly does this work?

snowywoodz said...

His god might hate homosexuals, but my God loves homosexuals. Also my God would never call homosexuals "fags". He's one twisted dude.

Dick Small said...

So I finally clicked on the video link. I love the wordage underneath. Especially:

"Donnie clearly believes that "God Hates Fags" but he is also careful to mention that God hates everybody else too."

Hahahaaa!!!

Coaster Punchman said...

OMG, Donnie is so into gay BDSM. This self-hating thing is just one of his kinks. Trust me, I know what I speak of.