I Ask Frank Questions And He Answers Them...

In part four of my ongoing series, I sat down with Frank of The Sirmarco Letters. I think you'll find that he took all my tough questions in stride. As always, his answers appear in bold.

I'm here with longtime friend and blogmeister, Frank Sirmarco. How are you feeling today? You look terrible.

You should see the other guy!

My first question involves a topic I know is near and dear to your heart - Dungeons & Dragons. What is your favorite part of "Unearthed Arcana"? Or, if you prefer, "Manual Of The Planes"?

Both can be hidden quickly when your girlfriend comes home unexpectedly.

But seriously, Unearthed Arcana introduced the geek world to the Ranger and Barbarian classes, so that's pretty sweet. It also had a bunch of spells created by some wizard named Leomund (LINK). That guy was a fuckin' bad-ass!

You play a lot of video games. For all the gamers reading this out there, what is your preferred treatment for "joystick fingers"?

Extended periods of "joystick rubbing".

Working in a field like human resources, you have to be prepared to deal with any number of awkward situations in the workplace. Let's say one of your employees has an obvious prolonged erection on a daily basis and its making other employees uncomfortable. How do you handle it?

Well, since I've been watching a lot of Cialis commercials recently (you can't go three minutes without seeing one during the NFL playoffs...says something about sedentary, male football fans), I would tell him to contact his doctor; erections are not meant to last more than four hours.

Convince me that Max Von Sydow's greatest role was NOT Brewmeister Smith.

Sorry, Chris. Max Von Sydow was BORN to play Ming the Merciless. (LINK)

You were in a popular Chicago band for a while. It must have been hot and cold-running chicks. Any good groupie stories?

All my good groupie stories involve watching our bass player, Jimmy pick up some random girl while I drank a bottle of Southern Comfort and ate Taco Bell (unfortunately, 270lb guitarists* don't get a lot of tail).

*Now a 225lb guitarist

If you could have one person, dead or alive, come over and clean your toilet, who would it be and why?

Steve Garvey. I hate Steve Garvey! Did you see what he did to the Cubs during game 4 of the 1984 NLCS? I'd eat a lot of sport peppers the night before he came over to clean my toilet; just to make sure those Popeye-like forearms got a real workout. Son of a bitch!

Tell my readers why you deserve to be the next president.

Read my lips...no new taxes!

You know Madge, that lady from the Palmolive commercials? What was up with that bitch?

No shit! Why the hell does a manicurist have a bottle of Palmolive with her 24/7? (LINK)

Lastly, Finish the following sentence: I...

...gave you your ball; I have nothing else of value!

I don't know about that, Frank...


Johnny Yen said...

What band was that?

Some Guy said...

It was a band called "National Drag". Surely you've heard of them.

Anonymous said...

you two need professional help, well at least Frank does.

Valerie said...

It's always nice to have a more intimate knowledge of Frank.

For those that didn't know him in high school, (this was a compliment back then) the girls thought he looked like Tom Cruise.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to this interview, I've learned so much about a lot of crap that I still don't care about.

Good questions, Chris!

Frank Sirmarco said...


They haven't found a cure for the type of bat-shit crazy I am!

Frank Sirmarco said...


I've come full-circle; now the girls think I'm a freak like Tom Cruise!

Frank Sirmarco said...


And I thought you got all of that from reading my blog.