One Of The Few Posts I've Done Without A Picture...

Okay. Here's the deal. John McCain could potentially win (or steal) this election. He could die. Sarah Palin could be president of this country. This should be of great concern to rational people of this country. I'm sorry, but if you have seen the entirety of her interviews and remain convinced she has what it takes to be president, you have either suspended your ability to think clearly or you never had that ability to begin with. The video where she CAN'T FUCKING NAME A NEWSPAPER OR MAGAZINE SHE READS put her over the top for me. She admits she does read newspapers and magazines, but then can't manage to give an example. Not one. She couldn't just say something safe like Time or Newsweek. Or maybe a shout-out to her boys at Weekly Standard or National Review. She had nothing. Oh, and don't forget, she was a JOURNALISM MAJOR. That, along with the rest of it, should be unacceptible to all Americans. Seriously.

Videos with Katie Couric.
Videos with Charlie Gibson.

*I didn't post a picture because I've seen all I want to see out of Mrs. Palin. She causes me undue discomfort.

Offspring...

After you've been enjoying picture-perfect weather for an extended period of time, a crappy day can hit you like a ton of bricks. Megan summed it up pretty well in the car today. She said, "If a piece of shit and a douchebag had a baby, it'd be this day."

Monday Morning Photo Dump...

From time to time I like to go through the pictures I've come across during my many Google Image Searches that have been languishing in my "blog" folder for a long time and purge them. There's not always an explanation, like in the case of the first one. I just liked how excited the guy looked:

I have no idea what I had in mind for this one:

This one had something to do with my "hat-head" post:

I came across this one while I was working on my "snot bubble" post:

Again, no idea where I was headed with this one:

The rest were going to be a part of a post I wanted to do
about unibrows (also known as monobrows):

I even tried to find a picture of a unibrowed unicorn on a unicycle.
I got two out of three:

Classic...

I don't usually like to post stuff like this because I figure you'll see it somewhere else, but it's so explanatory that I think anyone who might still be on the fence should see it.

To be honest, I thought the debate was kinda lame. However, when you edit it like this person did, you get to see, plain as day, that Obama is, unlike many politicians, accurately representing the things that John McCain had said about Iraq.

I Didn't Know Him Personally...

...but Paul Newman always struck me as a cool guy.

He raised over $250 million through his Newman's Own products.
That's all I need to know.

Everything?...

Whenever I hear someone say, "Now I've seen everything!", I'm always a little skeptical. Seriously? Everything? Think about it. That means they've seen:

• Queen Elizabeth's butthole.
• a house made of toenail clippings.
  
• Sarah Palin locked in a sixty-nine with a caribou.
• a funny episode of "Who's The Boss?".
  
• David Lee Roth wearing khaki Dockers.
• an automobile that runs on fear.
• an invisible man.
• booger-flavored Chapstick.
• Dick Cheney's fourth nipple.
• Bill O'Reilly trying to buy Mad Dog 20/20 with food stamps.

*-For the record, I did a Google Image Search for "Queen Elizabeth's butthole". Nada.

OMG! Check Out This Site, Yo!...

I got an e-mail from some guy recently who claimed he really loved my blog. In his letter he said, "I think the way you present humor is pretty unique as opposed to other humor blogs I've seen out there." While he didn't make any specific references to posts that I've done, I could tell he was being sincere. He offered me the chance to exchange links. He doesn't have a blog, but rather a t-shirt business. Let me tell you, friends, this guy does some cutting edge stuff. I mean, the shirts this guy is selling are FUCKING HILARIOUS. It's clear we share a very similar sense of humor. Don't believe me? Check out his wares for yourself, but be warned. You will be rolling on the floor dying of laughter!

I ordered one of everything. Which one do you like the best?

Get Off My Case...

I happen to think that plain tonic water, ice cold,
with a little lime is refreshing as hell.

It's amazing to me how much this bothers people.

Missing The Bigger Story...

As many of you know, historic Yankee Stadium hosted its last ever baseball game Sunday night. I saw THIS article on the internets and it struck me that there is something much bigger going on than some final game in some baseball stadium. Somewhere out there is a baseball that can talk!

Read the headline again. I want to know who is in possession of this talking baseball. Whoever they are, they're gonna be a fucking millionaire! I mean, shit, I think it's pretty amazing when a bird can talk, but an inanimate object? That's incredible! I wonder if the talking baseball has representation yet. It needs to have its own act in Vegas at a minimum - maybe its own reality show.

I wonder how big its vocabulary is. Can it say more than "goodbye"? Can it carry on a conversation or just mimic what its owner says? As usual, the media in this country is asleep at the wheel. I haven't heard word one about this shit. Seriously, a talking baseball is WAY bigger than some economic crisis or presidential campaign.

Of course, it could be a baseball that's like one of those dolls where you pull the string and it says something, in which case I'd look pretty fucking stupid.

Let's Start This Sucky-Ass Monday With Some Booker T & The MG's...

Soul-Limbo, 1968

I figure it's a nice way to start the week.

Cubs...

For the love of god, please do it this time.

An Interview With Documentary Filmmaker Eric Chaikin...

Everyone knows by this point that I get totally geeked about documentary films. I can't watch enough of 'em. Some of my long-time readers may remember my interview with another doc-maker, Eddie Schmidt. It was fun and I've wanted to do more of them. This time I asked Eric Chaikin if I could ask him some questions. I realize this interview won't make a lot of sense to those who haven't seen Eric's films, but I like to do what I can to promote great docs. I did a POST recently about one of his films, "A Lawyer Walks Into A Bar". Eric also made a great "competition" doc called "Word Wars" that followed the lives of four of the best Scrabble Tournament participants. I hope all you Netflixers check out his films!

SG: Let's start out with the obligatory stuff. How did you get into documentary filmmaking? Are there any other films or filmmakers that have inspired you or influenced your work? I also like to ask fellow creative types about the other stuff they're interested in - hobbies, music, books, TV, etc.

EC: I like creative projects: wordplay, screenplay, software, acting, documentaries. I just like the creative-aesthetic=emotional-intellectual puzzle-solving. I have a background in acting and working with actors, and generally in what you might call "cultural awareness" (look for my "Win Ben Stein's Money" rerun some time). So a theatrical documentary seemed like a good way to combine the emotion and story arc of feature films with the 'look under the rock' aspect of examining the absurdity of our culture. Specifically, I saw a film called "Dark Days" at Sundance in 2001 (I think) and it was a pure labor of love made by a guy who had lived in the Subway tunnels of NYC with people for like 2 years and they just slogged out this movie. I made the decision then to make a documentary. This may sound like an odd leap but...I had been in the tournament Scrabble scene on and off pretty much my whole life and I knew that was the movie I had to make. I wanted people to feel like they were in the same rooms that I was in on a regular basis, up at 3am dishing anagrams with guys that know the dictionary cold.

SG: There's a great scene in "Word Wars" where Marlon is describing a "post-mortem" - a post-game analysis of the Scrabble board to determine whether different moves would have netted more points. There are about five grown men on the floor in the hotel lobby laughing and debating as a wedding party looks at them like they're crazy. It's clear that there is a shared love of this game and all of its intricacies. I'm curious what your initial impression of each of these guys was when you started filming and whether it changed much over the course of the film. How did go about determining who you were going to film?

EC: Well, these were all people I knew before filming. In most cases filmmakers will tell you how surprised they were at what unfolded. In actuality, I had a pretty good sense of the personality types of the four main subjects of Word Wars. A year and a half before the National Championship that ends the film, I had a sense of which of the guys was "due". (I won't give it away). And the other guys' story arcs played out as destiny would have it that year. But the great thing about that world, since there is a large element of chance, is that anyone in the top echelon could have a real shot.

SG: I read in another interview you gave that you did not want "A Lawyer Walks Into A Bar" to be a slam on lawyers. Have you gotten any feedback from lawyers who have seen the film? What have they had to say about the film? After making the film, do you think you'd have what it took to be a lawyer?

EC: Lawyers love it. They're a largely self-loathing group anyway, so they'll slam themselves before you can slam them. Even the high profile ones (Dershowitz references the historical nature of this at the beginning of the film). I could be a lawyer. I'm an actor and I like to memorize stuff and argue about it just to hear myself talk, so yeah, I could pass the Bar and fake it in court, or in an office. It did hit me that the 24-yr-olds I was running into taking the Bar complaining all the time were going to be raking in more than I was in about 3 months. The thought of giving myself a consciencectomy and becoming a lawyer has occurred to me. But I would probably move to a tropical island first.

SG: Both films make great use of added graphics and animation. I especially liked the animated dramatizations of actual bar exam questions. Do you look for opportunities to use these sorts of things or are they more a result of the necessity to tell your story?

EC: Thanks. I have a bit of computer graphics background from a previous career, and in the case of Word Wars it was definitely part of the filmmaking vision to have graphical motifs to bring the mental processes to life. For a few reasons. First in Scrabble, unlike Poker the action is largely internal - not a lot of banter during the high-profile matches. Second, in the marketplace an indie doc has to throw all of its arsenal at the screen just to have the production value that deserves to be in theaters. Third, I knew a great graphics guy named Cassidy Curtis from college days and I knew I wanted to get some of his ideas on screen. He made this custom After Effects plug in that had the effect of bouncing light around a swimming pool filled with water, and we made some segments where sheets of words were the water. Those were the interstitial backgrounds in the film. And he animated the 'letters flying around in peoples' heads' stuff as well.

In the Lawyer movie, the Exec Producers (Brandon Camp and Mike Thompson) had a concept to animate some ridiculous Bar questions. Again, it contributes to the theatrical (as opposed to journalistic) feel of the film. My wife Marni Chaikin did the voice-over. I cast her because she looked cute at the audition (I think I recorded her while she was trying to get to work one day and made her late). And her rate was good. Seriously, she's a voice-over artist. I put her full name in here so if anyone's googling: she's available.

SG: I noticed after doing a Google search that you're a pretty good Scrabble player yourself. Can you remember the best word you ever played or at least the one that gave you the most points?

EC: Not exactly, but I can tell you a few good plays - once I extended INFORMATIVE to INFORMATIVENESS, which is a 15-letter word, and they don't get any longer on a Scrabble board. Once I played KABELJOU through a mutha-f**kin' J, using the blank as an A. My opponent was the National Champ at the time. Take that, champ. He accused me of getting all the good letters.

SG: This question may appear crass, but I was wondering how documentary films (other than ones made by Michael Moore or ones about penguins) make money? I don't ask this to be a dick. If it were up to me, documentary films would have WAY more exposure than they currently do. Does most of it come from DVD sales? Festival ticket sales? Rentals? I can't imagine much is made from typical box office ticket sales.

EC: So far, don't sweat it, you don't sound like a dick. Though to be fair, we haven't met. You still have a chance... Yes, it's very hard for a filmmaker to make money on a documentary. You get what you can on the cable deal and the DVD advance, and theatrical is usually a wash if you're lucky. Even for a successful one. Look at what's going on with ThinkFilm. They're getting sued for not putting enough money behind and Oscar-winning doc that didn't do much at the box office. There's probably two a year, besides Michael Moore, that actually turn a profit for the filmmaker. That's why Errol Morris makes (or made) commercials. And it's why I'm designing iPhone software right now. But I'll be back in the game.

SG: I know you filmmakers like to keep your projects hush-hush, but is there anything in the works that we can look forward to? Feel free to be as vague as necessary. If not, is there a subject that you're dying to make a film about?

EC: I have about 10. I'd like to make features next. I have a great script in progress with a partner set in the world of the Dead Sea Scrolls. All of my documentary ideas are a breath away from being done by anybody else, but...hmm...maybe a doc on the history of the "ooip! ooip!" thing that people do in discos. Who started that nonsense? Was there one primal moment somewhere in someone's 1970s, center-parted, feathered-hair, bubble machine, disco ball memory that it began? It's the last thing you can't Google, cause you can't even spell it. It would be a personal journey back to the idyllic days growing up on Staten Island and in Brooklyn in the 70s. A Jewish kid who thinks he's a cugine (look it up) but then, accidentally, one day, gets Bar Mitzvahed. I was too young to be in a disco in the 70s, but there would be plenty of archival footage. You'll have to wait for the movie I guess.

SG: Thanks a lot Eric! Best of luck on your next project!

What!?...

Seriously.
Why do you keep staring at me!?
Is there something on my face?

Documentary Film Of The Day: War Made Easy...

A few years ago I did a POST about why I'm a pacifist. One of the reasons I didn't discuss was that I think most wars are based on bullshit lies and the ability of the government (in conjunction with the media) to convince us that we can bomb our way to peace. You see, I love logic. I find very little logic when it comes to war and the rationale for it. This film does a great job of exposing the collusion between our leaders and the media when it comes to "making the case" for war. It features Norman Solomon, an excellent author and journalist who focuses on the media. For a lot of you, much of the footage will be familiar, but it is organized in a very clear, systematic way that shows how we continue to make the same mistakes and buy into the same crap each and every time. If you're a big fan of war, check this out and let me know what you think.

Netflix link HERE.

Flintstones Physics...

Most of you are probably familiar with this scene in the Flintstones credits where Fred takes the family to the drive-in for some brontosaurus ribs. The car-hop brings out an enormous serving - a serving so big it tips the car over.

This scene raises a lot of questions for me. Okay, first let's take a look at the Flintstone's car. While the weight of the canopy and its frame are negligible, the wheels, dashboard, and seats (which, I'm guessing, are made of solid limestone) must be fairly substantial. In addition, you have the weight of Fred, who I'd put at about 250 lbs. Wilma and Pebbles might combine for another 125 and Dino would appear to be approximately the same size as Fred. My point is there is A LOT of fucking weight to that car.

So, just exactly how much do these ribs weigh? If, in fact, they weigh enough to overturn the Flintstone's car, how in the name of all that is holy does that petite car-hop carry them to the car by herself? She'd have to have Bam-Bam-like strength to do it! Likewise, if the ribs are that hefty, is it really reasonable to expect us to believe that two adults, an infant, and a dog-sized dinosaur could consume that much food in one sitting? I know Fred has a big appetite, but still. Something, my friends, is out-of-whack. If any of you know any paleontologists who could verify the weight of a slab of Bronto-ribs, please refer them to me.

While I'm on the subject, there is another thing that has always bothered me about the Flintstone's car. I understand how the forward momentum of the vehicle keeps the front axle in place, but what the hell keeps the rear one from just sliding out of its notch as soon as the car gets moving. This, of course, ignores the fact that the opposite problem would exist if they ever went in reverse. Some clarification here would be greatly appreciated.

Oh Yeah, Him...

Despite the fact you don't hear much about him anymore,
George Bush IS still president and continues to meet
with top advisers on important issues facing the American people.




You expect me to pass up the opportunity to
comment on a picture like that?
The guy's wearing a fucking propellor hat for christ sake!
Throw in a puffy neck brace and and a rubber chicken
and he'd be the king of comedy.
Now, I know "caption contests" are all the rage
on these "blog-site pages" nowadays,
so please, be my guest and go to town on this one.

A Blast From The Past...

For those of you who weren't around for my
comic strip series, click HERE.

Some Guy's Book Club...

I was reading the Dr. Seuss classic "Green Eggs And Ham" while on the toilet this morning. As I sat reading, I was struck by the symbolism and how closely the story seemed to parallel my own life and experiences at that moment. Granted, a more fitting title for my version of the book would be "Green Poo And Corn".

No-no...

Last night Carlos Zambrano pitched the first no-hitter by a Chicago Cub since 1972 (the year I was born). Luckily, a friend called to let me know so I could watch the last few outs on ESPN. For some reason it wasn't on WGN up by me.

I haven't posted about the Cubs all season. As a lifelong fan of a franchise that hasn't won the World Series since 1908, you are conditioned to always prepare for the worst, but goddamn, last night was pretty fucking nice.

WARNING!...

This is for anyone out there who is thinking about doing a
Google Image Search for Tony Danza.
For GOD'S SAKE, turn ON whatever parental "safe search" filters
you possibly can before you do.
That is, unless you want his schwanza staring you right in the face.


And for my female or gay readership who
care to look at celebrity weiners, voila (NSFW).

Amercia, The Beautiful...

On a day like September 11th the folks at Fox News would like all Amercians on 9-11 to take a moment and and remember the real amercian stories of 9-11.

(Actual screen capture taken at 8:00 PM, 9-11-08. These people are beyond idiots. I think they might just qualify as idjits. Geez!)

Today's Mayberry Moment...

Words can't describe the feeling of exhilaration
that swept over Goober the day he discovered phone sex.

Barbicide...

If I had been left alone in a barber shop as a kid,
odds are I would've drank this shit.

It's A Party!...

Today is Bill O'Reilly's 59th birthday and, as one of his dearest friends, I received an invitation. Billy opted for an "Elmo" theme (dork). I'm giving him a Donald Rumsfeld Action Figure. Knowing Bill, he'll stick that thing right up his butt as soon as he opens it and break it. Then he'll start screaming (something similar happened last year when I gave him THIS). What I'm really looking forward to is a spirited game of "Pin the wrinkled weiner on the Fox News intern". I'll try to have pictures up tomorrow.

Unimpressed...

A popular (often drunken) pastime in northern climes is to go outside and write your name in the snow with urine like our friend, Greg (above). He did an okay job even if his handwriting (actually, his "peniswriting") is a touch on the girly side.

Problem is, this particular winter activity has become mainstream. Any two-bit schmuck with a bladder full of Pabst can do it. Tell you what, Greggy, talk to me when you can crap your name in the snow. And I'm not talking about a bunch of individual, pieced-together logs. I'm talking in cursive, one continuous turd. You do that and you will have earned my respect.



This post goes out to my pal, Dr. Zibbs, who reminded me with this post that if you're struggling to come up with material, always return to the toilet.

You Want Hat-Head? I'll Give You Hat-Head!...

Sometimes it's so good, you just gotta share.

Small Town Common Sense Values...

I've been hearing a lot about the supposed "common sense" and "values" of small town America. Let me tell you something. I've been living in a town of 3,500 (about half the size of Gov. Palin's home of Wasilla) going on twelve years. Small towns are not monoliths. People here do not all think alike and share a predetermined set of values. Don't believe me? Go to a small town city council meeting or a zoning board meeting. You'll see how contentious they can get. Republicans love to tout the small towns of America as the last bastions of good, old-fashioned values, but they could give a fuck when a company like Wal-Mart comes in and destroys the things that make small towns truly unique.

Dammit!...

If I had KNOWN my university offered a bacon-weaving class I would've dropped that boring one about history and taken it instead.

Snot Bubbles To Start Your Day...

Documentary Film Of The Day: A Lawyer Walks Into A Bar...

THIS is a great doc about the legal profession that focuses on six very different people who are preparing for the California State Bar Exam. Some are fresh out of law schooI, some have taken it multiple times (one guy was taking it for his 42nd time). You really get a real sense of the time and sacrifice that goes into preparing, not to mention the pressure there is to pass. There are some funny animated bits depicting actual bar exam questions and 15 decent minutes of extras. It was made by Eric Chaikin who also directed a great movie about Scrabble tournament participants called "Word Wars". I think you'll like this one.

Post-Speech Analysis...

I hope all of you got to see Sarah Palin's masterful speech last night. I think she put to rest any fears that she is not ready to lead this country on day one when John McCain suffers his inevitable heart attack. Here's what some in the media had to say about it:

• Campbell Brown, CNN: "They better start mining the marble for her monument on the Washington Mall now. Judging by this speech, it's gonna be a big one."
• David Gregory, NBC: "It's as if FDR, Kennedy, and Martin Luther King, Jr. all had sex together and somehow gave birth to the greatest speaker of all time."
• Chris Matthews, MSNBC: "Can everyone excuse me while I go rub one out? I mean, seriously, I've got a fucking bone here, guys."
• Brit Hume, Fox: "We have ourselves a new superstar. That speech was like a warm, soothing tongue-bath for my sagging ballsack."
  

Rules Of Summer...

This weekend we had what could very well turn out to be our last real taste of summer. I did what you're supposed to do. I ate watermelon. I sped it up because I know how busy you people are and, besides, things always look funnier sped up.

What Could Have Been...

One letter. They were one letter away from making television history.

All they had to do was switch the s for a p, and his name would have been "Potpie". Just THINK how cool the show could have been with a character named after the flaky goodness that is the potpie. You would have had lines like "Sit on it, Potpie!" or "Richie, telephone for you!"

"Who is it, mom?"

"It's Potpie."

Thanks to this egregious error by the creators, Anson Williams is left without an acting career and is forced to scrape by on what's left of his Uncle Sherwin's house paint fortune. Pity...