They Do!?...

I guess I'll have to add THIS to my summer reading list.

The question remains: Do they light them on fire, too?
Hopefully the book addresses this.

I Love Image Searches...

In preparing for one of today's brilliant posts in which I lament the fact that the golden age of television is over and that we may never see a show like "Manimal" again, I had to do an image search to give some visual "punch" to my assertion. The cool thing about doing an image search (I usually use Google or Yahoo) is that you never know what sorts of crazy shit will pop up. Like this, for example:

The Ultimate Post...

I'm really in the mood to do a thoughtful post. You know, one of those posts that tackles a compelling, if not controversial, topic. Something nice and long - meaty, if you will. I could find an appropriate picture for it and come up with an eye-catching title - one that just dares you to read it. In the body of the post, I'd start out with a provocative opening statement and follow it up with clever supporting points. They might be in the form of analogies, references to other articles available on the internets, or amusing anecdotes that draw on my own personal experiences. I'd cap it off with an excellent closer - something that wraps everything up with a neat little bow. Then I would invite others to share their own feelings on the matter. In the comments section, I would wait for people to disagree with me and then, ever so tactfully, tell them how they don't know their ass from apple butter.

Now I just need a topic.

Anyone want to hear how I feel about a particular pressing issue of the day?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I'm Lost...

After an extended hiatus, Lost is back on tonight.

Does anyone remember what the fuck is going on? I don't.

My Favorite Americans That Aren't Politicians Or Military-Types...

I've been meaning to compile a list like this for some time. I need your help. The people on this list are Americans, living or dead, that I admire. I'd love to hear some of your favorites, too.

Mine include, in no particular order:

• Fred Rogers (above)
• Jane Addams
  
• Martin Luther King Jr. (obviously)
• Mary Harris "Mother" Jones
  
• Louis Armstrong
• Dorothea Dix
• Bill Moyers
  
• Margaret Sanger
• Woody Guthrie
  
• Rosa Parks
• Howard Zinn
  
• Barbara Ehrenreich
• edited to add: Grant Miller
  

Honorable mentions go to: Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, Anne Coulter, Jack Valenti, and the gang at Fox News.

Liono Says...

"Jaga, WAIT!"

Hey, who says every post has to make sense to more than about five of my readers? You must understand by now that you never know what you'll get when you click on over to this blog. It's always gonna be a mixed bag.

The Show Must Go On...

Even though I'm as glum as glum can be right now, thanks to the Bears, I realize the only way to overcome this funk I'm experiencing is to post something funny. The question becomes: What's left? I've pretty much covered all the funny topics. I've already posted about snot, boobs & cleavage, the toilet, poo, vomit, wieners, and hemorrhoids. I've made fun of countless politicians, media-types, and celebrities, not to mention my own little ideosynchrasies.

Has my well run dry? Is this the end for Some Guy? Should I think about retirement?



Fuck no! Here's a huge ass for you. Bon Apetit!

Stupid, Dumb-Ass Fucking Bears...

Worst. Team. Ever.

My prediction: The Bears will never win another game.

One Last Time, Then I'm Done...

Come ON, fuckin' Bears!

Just win it.

Please.

You overpaid bastards.

For My Homosexual Readers...

Have I got news for you! As I write this, there exists a revolutionary new program created by a man named Donnie Davies that you may be interested in. Here is how Donnie describes it:

C.H.O.P.S is the powerful new program developed by Christian Youth expert Donnie Davies. C.H.O.P.S stands for CHANGING HOMOSEXUALS into ORDINARY PEOPLE.

If you have been having feelings that you DO NOT want to have towards people of the same sex as you, then this is the program for you.

If you've been acting on those same feelings, then this is DEFINATELY (sic) the program you've been looking for.

He goes on to say that if you follow him, together you can "C.H.O.P.S. away the gay." That's the sort of cleverness I've come to expect from fundamentalist Christians. I mean, check out the ingenius logo. The top represents the redeemed homosexual, complete with halo (and rippling biceps, I might add). The bottom (where the naughty bits happen to be) represents the evil sinner, complete with devil's tail.

I don't know about you, but this seems like a very generous offer. You gay people have NO IDEA how wonderful it is to be ordinary (for more proof, watch the movie "Ordinary People". It will illustrate my point quite well.) You are TOTALLY missing out! So come on! Discover the joys of ordinary-ness! While you're visiting Donnie's site, check out his list of music that might turn you gay. Some artists include:

• Cole Porter
• The Doors
• Metallica
• The Rolling Stones
• Ted Nugent (huh?)
• Frank Sinatra.

Instead of listening to this Satan-music, check out THIS VIDEO of Donnie himself singing a song that is SURE to be a hit!

I fucking give up.

**Disclaimer: For those unaware of my sarcastic streak, the preceding post should be read with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

I Know I'm Way Behind On This One...

I finally saw this for the first time the other night and all I can say is:

Ho. Lee. Shit.

That is some fucked-up stuff going on. I had heard about the praising of Dubya that goes on in the film, but had no idea just how ridiculous it would be. Not to mention all that praying. Praying over the audio-visual equipment, praying at Planned Parenthood, praying before your turn at bowling. LOTS of praying.

As strange as these people seemed, it got me thinking about my religious upbringing. Granted, I never spoke in tongues or flopped around on the ground or broke down in tears, BUT I did engage in religious rituals. My family said grace (Come Lord Jesus, be our guest, and may the food to us be blessed. Amen.) every night before dinner. I went to Sunday School every week. I was confirmed. I took communion. I was an acolyte. I even went to church youth leadership events at Augustana College two summers, although they were more opportunities to chase tail than to find christ. Most importantly, I was never given a choice about whether I wanted to go to church or not. It was just assumed. I don't see how this wouldn't be considered indoctrination.

I know there are probably a lot of church-goers who will see this film and think these people are insane. I'd ask them to reflect on their own religious practices and, if they have kids, whether they are truly giving them a chance to decide for themselves. If you're not, do you really have the right to make fun of the people in the film? I guess you do, but it seems a little hypocritical.

A Post About A Fucked-Up Dream From A Long Time Ago That I'm Not Sure How People Will React To...

Like I mentioned a long time ago in THIS POST, I have a good memory for stupid, meaningless things from my childhood. The one I'm going to tell you about involves a dream I've never forgotten. I had it when I was six. It was one of those dreams where you wake up and think, "What the FUCK was that all about?" Granted, I probably didn't know the word "fuck" at the time, but you get the point. At first I was nervous about sharing this, but I figure you all know I'm not opposed to revealing weird shit about myself and that this will just be another example of that.

So, in my dream I'm riding my little red Schwinn Pixie (sans training wheels) home from school. It's a pretty day in the late spring. No one else is outside on my block. As I get close to my house, I notice something strange in my driveway. Parked in the driveway is my family's red Oldsmobile Cutlass. Standing in front of it are two beautiful red-headed women - they look like models and appear to be identical twins. They are dressed in nothing but red sequined bras and red panties that happen to be crotchless. In front of them is a pile of brand new toys, including a Green Machine (pictured above), except that all the toys are, you guessed it, red. The women have their arms outstretched as if to say, "This is all yours!" This is when I suddenly woke up.

How a six-year-old in a straight-laced, church-going family could have any concept of crotchless panties is beyond me. I don't know that I've seen a pair first-hand to this day. Anyone have any theories what this was about?

Rest In Peace...

Molly Ivins - 1944-2007

What a great lady. She's the one that first referred to Dubya as "Shrub". She will be missed.

Now was that funny or what!?

I Swear I'm Still Funny...

I know my posts lately have been a little lackluster. I promise it has nothing to do with my recent romantic escapades. I plan on rectifying this in the coming days, so bear with me.

In the meantime, enjoy three new additions to my blogroll. I thought it was time to inject a little testosterone, so it's an all-male update. Meet Scarlet, Coffeypot, and The [Cherry] Ride. Welcome, boys!

Dammit!...

Yesterday was Dickle's 66th birthday and I fucking missed it!

I hope he forgives me. The last thing I need right now is a face full of shrapnel.

Here's One Of The Things I Find So Attractive About Megan...

She's a sophisticated lady.

You Want To Go Bowling?...

Seriously?

Just So You Don't Worry...

I'm going to be away until next Wednesday. I'll be in beautiful Norfolk to visit my beautiful girlfriend. Man, does it feel weird to say that.

So there's no need to call the hospitals or send out bloodhounds. I'll be back with more blog-stupidity lickety-splitly.

Remember This Guy?...

Noo-nee-noo-nee-noo-nee-noo.

Memories Of Frozen Yogurt...

As I may have mentioned before, I used to work at TCBY while I was in high school, along with recent interview subject, Frank. It was right around the time the frozen yogurt craze was sweeping the nation. We would have lines out the door and cars backed up waiting to use the drive-thru. Customers would often have trouble grasping a few of the main concepts of the TCBY menu, mainly the policy on toppings. When I worked there, toppings, which included candy, nuts, fruit, hot fudge, etc., were fifty cents for two scoops, 25 cents for one (a total fucking rip-off). People would come in and figure that toppings were unlimited and were shocked to learn that their cup of yogurt, now covered in Oreo crumbs, M & Ms, Strawberries, and many other things, was now about ten bucks. As employees, we would dream up potential topping choices the bigwigs at TCBY had not yet thought of. They included:

-Peas
-Sawdust
-Hair clippings
-Giblet gravy
-Potpourri
-Oregano
-Parmesan cheese
-Snot (or other bodily fluids)
-Barbecue sauce
-Croutons

Am I forgetting any?

Documentary Film Of The Day - This Film Is Not Yet Rated...

I mentioned this film way back in August. It's finally out on DVD. I watched it last night. As I expected, this was a great film. Filmmakers Kirby Dick and Eddie Schmidt, along with some crafty private investigators, bring the MPAA ratings board out into the open and expose them to the light of day. For those of you unfamiliar, the MPAA rating board is the appointed body charged with deciding whether films will be G, PG, PG-13, R, or NC-17. It is basically in the pockets of the major movie studios. They can make or break a movie insofar as most major theater chains will not run NC-17 films. There are no real set standards for how these ratings are determined. It really is a sinister system that more people should be aware of. The movie is funny and features many accounts of directors that had to alter their movies in order to get them an R rating. It will make you mad, but is still done in an entertaining way. I will continue to sing the praises of Mr. Dick's documentaries. They are among some of my favorites. Plus, I like being able to put a naked ass on my blog when I can.

I Ask Frank Questions And He Answers Them...

In part four of my ongoing series, I sat down with Frank of The Sirmarco Letters. I think you'll find that he took all my tough questions in stride. As always, his answers appear in bold.

I'm here with longtime friend and blogmeister, Frank Sirmarco. How are you feeling today? You look terrible.

You should see the other guy!

My first question involves a topic I know is near and dear to your heart - Dungeons & Dragons. What is your favorite part of "Unearthed Arcana"? Or, if you prefer, "Manual Of The Planes"?

Both can be hidden quickly when your girlfriend comes home unexpectedly.

But seriously, Unearthed Arcana introduced the geek world to the Ranger and Barbarian classes, so that's pretty sweet. It also had a bunch of spells created by some wizard named Leomund (LINK). That guy was a fuckin' bad-ass!

You play a lot of video games. For all the gamers reading this out there, what is your preferred treatment for "joystick fingers"?

Extended periods of "joystick rubbing".

Working in a field like human resources, you have to be prepared to deal with any number of awkward situations in the workplace. Let's say one of your employees has an obvious prolonged erection on a daily basis and its making other employees uncomfortable. How do you handle it?

Well, since I've been watching a lot of Cialis commercials recently (you can't go three minutes without seeing one during the NFL playoffs...says something about sedentary, male football fans), I would tell him to contact his doctor; erections are not meant to last more than four hours.

Convince me that Max Von Sydow's greatest role was NOT Brewmeister Smith.

Sorry, Chris. Max Von Sydow was BORN to play Ming the Merciless. (LINK)

You were in a popular Chicago band for a while. It must have been hot and cold-running chicks. Any good groupie stories?

All my good groupie stories involve watching our bass player, Jimmy pick up some random girl while I drank a bottle of Southern Comfort and ate Taco Bell (unfortunately, 270lb guitarists* don't get a lot of tail).

*Now a 225lb guitarist

If you could have one person, dead or alive, come over and clean your toilet, who would it be and why?

Steve Garvey. I hate Steve Garvey! Did you see what he did to the Cubs during game 4 of the 1984 NLCS? I'd eat a lot of sport peppers the night before he came over to clean my toilet; just to make sure those Popeye-like forearms got a real workout. Son of a bitch!

Tell my readers why you deserve to be the next president.

Read my lips...no new taxes!

You know Madge, that lady from the Palmolive commercials? What was up with that bitch?

No shit! Why the hell does a manicurist have a bottle of Palmolive with her 24/7? (LINK)

Lastly, Finish the following sentence: I...

...gave you your ball; I have nothing else of value!


I don't know about that, Frank...

Show Of Hands...

Who else finds the word "crotch" humorous?


And just what exactly do you think is going on in this picture?

Forts...

I used to love to make forts, inside or outside. Of course mine were much more inspired than this kid's rather pedestrian attempt. For one, he's not utilizing all the materials at his disposal, mainly blankets and other furniture. Mine would have intricate tunnels with little nooks and crannies. I think one even had a sunken living room with a woodburning stove. If I knew this kid, I'd offer him some pointers, but alas, he's just some random shmoe that popped up during a Google image search. He'll never benefit from my years of experience. How unfortunate.

And what the fuck is a "cranny"? You never hear cranny used by itself. It's always preceded by nook. Nook you'll hear by itself from time to time, but not cranny. What makes it so damn special, huh?

Another Damn Birthday...

Believe it or not, Ernest Borgnine is 90-years-old today.

Yeah, I thought he was dead, too, but he's not.

Neither is Abe Vigoda, for the record.