
7/31/2007
Megan, Honey, Don't Read This Post...

While You're In There, See If You Can Find His Heart And His Brain...

For those of you new to this blog, I'm not a big fan of Teddy's. He's the internet is a "series of tubes" dickhead. He sucks. That's all you need to know. Actually, you should read up on what a piss-bag this fuck is, but only if you haven't reached your contempt limit for the day.
More On Weeds...

After watching Season One of "Weeds" (almost a year ago), I posted about how great I thought it was.
I've just finished watching Season Two and would like to renew my praise. Holy shit! All you Netflixers need to get on this shit if you haven't already. Don't sweat it if you're not a dope fiend. You'll still enjoy it. I liken it a little bit to a darker version of "Arrested Development". Great characters and performances and a lot of shit you never saw coming. The finale was outstanding. It's a shame I'll have to wait so long to see Season Three.
7/30/2007
Bra...

I know. The title of the post is "Bra" and here I am posting a picture of the "Bro". I actually wish bras were called bros. See, the word "bra" always throws me for a loop (or two, as the case may be). I have never settled on how to pronounce it. Sometimes I feel I should pronounce it "braw", like cole SLAW. Other times I say it like "braah", kinda like the sound that a sheep makes. It's this indecision that makes me uneasy, which leads to sweating and involuntary muscle spasms.
So, if you're ever around me, please don't ask me to talk about bras. I'll clam up and get all red and you might get the impression that I'm weird.
Important Announcement...

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but stop shopping at Home Depot and go to Lowe's instead. I'm sure they're evil in some other way, but at least they don't fund O'Reilly, lying-ass prick that he is.
7/29/2007
Bubs Asks, I Answer...

My pal Bubs had a few questions for me, so here goes:
1. You're stuck in a flesh-eating zombie apocalypse. Would you rather deal with Romero shambling zombies who are learning to use tools and weapons, or insensible but crazy fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies? Compare and contrast.
I'm going to cheat a little and opt for the nice, cuddly zombies that only want the best for their non-undead counterparts. That'd be a twist - a zombie movie where the zombies are the protagonists. It's worth a shot.
2. Who's the first female cartoon or comic book character you had a crush on?

3. What makes your wife/girlfriend/significant other a saint in regards to her relationship with you?
Just about everything, but mainly the gold and black New Orleans jersey and helmet. Oh, I forgot to mention, Megan is going to be starting left tackle next season.
4. Batman or James Bond?
Batman or James Bond what? You're gonna have to be more specific. IYou mean, like, who'd I rather have a beer with? Well, Bond only seems to drink martinis, so I guess I'll drink with Batman.
5. If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do (assuming you're not already doing it now) what would it be? For a living, for fun, whatever.
I'd be a jazz musician or have a career in woodworking (furniture, carving, whatever).
7/28/2007
Odometric Milestones...

I do, too. Why? It's really quite meaningless. It's certainly no more significant than any of the other miles rolling over.
I think it's because we have to be somewhat selective in the mileage changes we celebrate. If we got giddy every time the odometer changed, people would think we were fucking nuts.
By the way, I did this post in my underwear.
7/27/2007
A Night At The Cinema With: Gary Coleman...

- The Kid From Left Field (1979), Notable co-stars include: Robert Guillaume, Ed McMahon, and Gary Collins. A feel-good tale that portrays young Gary as Jackie Robinson (J.R.) Cooper, the son of ex-baseball great Guillaume. He is tasked with managing the last place Padres (never mind the fact that he's pre-pubescent), in all their shit-brown-and-urine-yellow glory, and taking them into first, all while trying to keep authorities from separating him from his cash-strapped dad. Make sure you have a box of Kleenex ready.
- On The Right Track (1981), Notable co-stars include: Maureen Stapleton, Norman Fell, and Bill Russell. A feel-good tale about a kid who lives in a locker in Grand Central Station. It's not just any kid, but a kid that has an incredible knack for picking racehorses. The film plays up the fact that Mr. Coleman is diminutive in stature and, thus, can tolerate living in such a confined space. The film is heavy on laughs...and tears. Better bring some Kleenex.
- The Kid With The Broken Halo (1982), Notable co-stars: Robert Guillaume (again), Corey Feldman, and Kim Fields. Here, in this feel-good tale, Coleman plays Andy LeBeau, a misfit angel who is given one more chance to earn his wings. He is charged with keeping a family from breaking up, cheering up a grumpy old woman, and showing a workaholic family the error of their ways. Along the way all sorts of funny shit happens, but there is plenty of raw emotion. I hope you have some of that Kleenex left!
Awkward...

It's almost as if Alex Trebek has no experience interacting with other people at all.
7/26/2007
Me First...

Why is it that the few times I need to put a little air in my tires there's some jerkweed at the pump putting air in THEIR tires at the exact same time? What's up with this shit!? I mean, I can't be expected to wait for this yutz to finish doing the thing that I had wanted to do? So what if he got there first? He is impeding my productivity. The whole idea of "free air" is that I'm free to use it at any time without having to sit there while nerdo fills his tires. Doesn't he know I have to get home and tell all of you about this inconvenient experience? I can't afford to wait on his ass!
The #1 Person...

His picture pops up first when you do an image search for "person". I wonder if he is aware of this tremendous honor.
Donald R. Person, Esq. came in a disappointing third. Better luck next time, Donny!
7/25/2007
Documentary Film Of The Day - Pucker Up...

Would It Be Out Of Line?...

Do you think Bill O'Reilly would let me throw one of my turds at his face? I mean, if I asked him really nicely. Is that some breach of etiquette? I don't feel like it is.
**Edited to add: I guess I've been blogging too long. I'm starting to repeat myself. I found THIS POST where I talk about actually smearing poo on his face. I must be losing my edge...
7/24/2007
A Damn Fine Cookie...

Megan, the sweetheart that she is, had prepared a kind of cookie I was unfamiliar with yesterday. She said she'd found the recipe online and had never used it before. Now, you might think I'm trying to butter her up (I'm not), but I have to say these were some of the finest cookies I'd ever tasted. She agreed. They had chocolate chunks and shaved chocolate, a nice peanut butter flavor that wasn't overpowering, and some ground-up oatmeal to make them at least a little healthy. The presentation is beautiful - a sort of dark and light marbled appearance. They also had a great texture with that chewiness you look for in a cookie. It was a nice reward after having to mow the lawn. I ate a bunch of them.
Pending Megan's permission, I'll direct you to the recipe. This is a cookie that deserves to be enjoyed by the masses.
*Edited to add: HERE is a link to the recipe. See what you think.
I Don't Enjoy Mowing The Lawn...
There. I said it.
You see, a lot of people have a romanticized vision of lawn mowing, like in the picture above. They talk about the joy of being outside, enjoying nature. They talk about the alluring fragrance of the fresh-cut clippings and the regal beauty of a painstakingly manicured lawn.
It's all bogus. Mowing the lawn is a sweaty, noisy pain in the ass and you know it.
7/23/2007
You Never Know What'll Make People Laugh...
Now, bear in mind, I was dropped on my head a lot as a child.
I Missed You!...

- My first ever ride on a Chicago bus. No beer was served.
- Taking Megan to her first game at Wrigley. We sat in the bleachers on a beautiful Friday afternoon and watched the Cubs win 6-2. Good stuff. Plenty of beer.
- Seeing Lulu, Tenacious S, The Bubses, and Johnny Yen at Lulu's going-away party. Lots more beer.
- A trip out to do some home furnishing and high-end grocery shopping in the 'burbs. Wish I had beer...
- Grilled lots of food at my pal, Dave's place in Ukrainian Village. Mucho beero.
- Showers each morning. While I bathed in water, I made sure I had a beer close at hand.
7/19/2007
I'm Gonna Soak In A Tub Of Italian Beef & Gravy...

Your Forgiveness...

I took down that really obnoxious post. It wasn't cool to do that to y'all. For those that didn't see it, I made a really long post with a lot of blank space that took a long time to scroll through, only to find a lame gag at the end. I should know better.
What can I say? I was feeling a little mischievous. I can't say I won't try shit like that again, so be on your toes.
While I'm at it, I'd like to thank my visitors for indulging my goofiness. The funny thing is, I am not overtly goofy most of the time. I typically reserve that side for people who I've known personally for a long time. The blog has been a good place to be goofy around strangers and not feel inhibited.
Man, I Haven't Done A Political Post Since The 13th!...
I like watching this every once in a while. It makes me happy. It's so seldom you see someone with Cheney's power forced to listen to such raw criticism from someone with relatively no power. It's refreshing.
7/18/2007
Architecture Trends...

There has also been a sharp decline in clients asking for carpeted walls. It's a damn shame.
Documentary Film Of The Day - I Like Killing Flies...

7/17/2007
I Sometimes Use Words That Don't Exist...

Sometimes I say "stold".
For instance, I might ask, "Who STOLD my hamburger?"
That piece of shit, The Hamburglar, that's who!
Look at him, pointing in some desperate attempt at subterfuge, as if to say, "Oh no, it wasn't me, kind sir. It was that guy over there."
Fuck you, Hamburglar. We all know it was you. You've been trying to pull that shit for years. Nobody's buying it anymore.
The jig is up, fuckface. Now give me back my fucking burger!
And, while you're at it, learn how to talk, for god's sake! The whole "Robble robble!" shtick is so fucking weak.
7/16/2007
While I'm On Baseball...
A Blast From The Past...
I think that even non-Cubs fans and non-baseball fans will appreciate this. Just make sure you don't listen to it at work or in front of small children, unless you think it's good they learn profanity at a young age.
*On April 29, 1983, during Lee Elia's tenure as the Cubs' manager, the Cubs suffered a one-run home loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers. After the game, he held a post-game press conference at which he lashed out in a profanity-laced tirade directed at the fans at Wrigley Field—which at that time featured only daytime games—for booing and heckling the team.
The Secrets Of Thorpe School, Grade Three...

We all have secrets we keep to ourselves. Well actually, I don't, but the rest of you do. The students in grade three of Thorpe School back in '46-'47 most certainly do. Here they are starting in the upper left:
- Had dreamed of being an astronaut rather than a schoolteacher, which is odd since NASA wasn't established until 1958.
- Once took a leak in the washroom soap dispenser.
- Saw mommy, daddy, and her neighbor, Mr. Johnson, in the attic playing "Hide the garden hose".
- Thinks Truman is a "punk".
- Enjoys what she calls "Booger Time" once a day.
- Big ol' pothead.
- Hasn't had a bath in eight months.
- Secretly likes receiving "wedgies".
- Has the power of telekinesis.
- Plays with her imaginary pet pig, Reginald.
- Doesn't really like smiling, but is doing it so the damn photographer will get off his case.
- Is actually a cyborg from the future.
- Has a problem with Portuguese people.
- Still wears rubber underwear.
- Too many secrets to list.
- Is jealous of the teacher for spending so much time with her secret beau, the "wedgie-lover".
- Was confused as to what a "secret" was.
- Performs pagan rituals while the rest of them are at Sunday School.
- Worries that the U.S. has lost its "moral compass".
- Can't wait to play football after school, but anyone who knows him knows that's no secret.
- Is the largest single donor to the "Booger Time" girl.
- Brushes his teeth with lard.
- Can't stand it when people say "yoodle hoodle" to get his attention.
- Is deathly afraid of earwax.
- Discovered the recipe for an eternal life elixir - two parts pickle juice, one part Listerine.
*Disclaimer: This is all bullshit. In case you were in this class and you stumble upon this post, this is all for the sake of humor and no offense was intended.
Small Towns...

Moving from a large metropolitan area to a rural one, I have come to appreciate the way small town folks create their own fun. We don't have the museums, live music venues, malls, or electricity that you city slickers take for granted. People get together and organize goofy events that are big on kitsch, but that can also be a lot of fun. For example, there is a town up here called Horton Bay. It's not much of a town. There's a general store and, well, that's it. I'd be surprised if more than 200 people live there. However, each 4th of July, they have a parade that attracts tens of thousands of people. There are no high school bands, no cub scout troops, no fire engines, and sadly, no Shriner's with their little go-karts. There is always a theme and small groups of people get together, develop an entry, make costumes, and have a blast with it.
Another example was "Poochfest", which Megan and I attended yesterday. It was basically an excuse for everyone to bring their dogs to the park. There were dog obstacle course competitions (pictured above), games for dogs, and contests which included:
- Best tail-wagger
- Smallest dog
- Biggest dog
- Most obedient dog
- Least obedient dog (talk about a clusterfuck!)
- Dog who looks the most like their owner
- etc.
- Dog that smells the most like their owner
- Dog with the biggest turds
- Best leg-humper
- Dog that can empty the water from a toilet bowl the fastest
- Best crotch-hound (this one's for you Carlin fans)
- Ugliest owner
7/13/2007
Republicans Are Committed To Civil Rights...

All of the democratic contenders attended their debate.
Pressing News...

7/12/2007
Even More Knowing The Difference...

as to make it appear to be "blooming" or "blossoming".
They are available at many chain-style eateries.
**This is the last entry in this series.
For those of you who are concerned, the bat picture was
one of the first to come up during a Google
image search for "weird shit". Don't believe me?
See for yourself.
Lady Bird...

Lady Bird Johnson died. I didn't know shit about Lady Bird. She was around before my time. Honestly, I assumed she was already dead. I do, however, know the (unrelated) song, "Ladybird", by XTC. It's very pretty:
O, ladybird
I have heard you wish to walk me through your garden
I crave your pardon if I woke you with my thinking
Ladybird
O, ladybird
I have heard you wish to walk me through your meadow
You'll spread no wings to fly in fright if I'm beside you
Ladybird
All through the winter time
When wood was worm and splintered
Time seemed longer than a goods train
Now that spring is back again
I'll ask your name, your name
O, ladybird
I have heard you wish to walk across my pillow
No weeping willow was ever as beautiful, sad as you are
Ladybird
And as you're walking past
I'm laying on the grass and making chains of thought
To snare you with my wit
But bit by bit you fade to gone
Gone
All through the iron season
Love was hanged and treason became
Something of a parlour game
Now sun is back in power
I'll ask your name, your name
O, ladybird
I have heard you have to run to tend your children
No flood can drown nor fire blacken purest longing
For ladybird
Ladybird
7/11/2007
A Super-Boring Video...
I really know how to sell things, don't I?
This was shot last night. There is nothing really special, other than a pretty pink sky, some kids riding around on a new mini-scooter, and both cats out on the deck together. I'm telling you, you'll be bored fucking stiff, so consider yourself warned.
7/10/2007
Don't Hate Me Because I'm Happy...
I'm so happy that I kinda feel guilty about it. I mean, nobody wants to hear how happy someone else is. I usually avoid this sort of thing on my blog. I think if I were to go back and do a tally, the bulk of my posts would be about something that pisses me off (government, media, Russians, etc...). I think we like that type of stuff more for some reason. I think the evidence is clear that we'd rather watch bad news than uplifting stories about people who feel good about life. Why do you suppose that is?
By the way, don't get nervous. I'm not planning on turning this into the Super-Terrific Happy Fun Blog or anything. I just felt like proclaiming my happiness. For those of you that aren't currently happy, if there's anything I can do to help change that, please let me know. If you are happy being unhappy, that's cool too.
By the way, don't get nervous. I'm not planning on turning this into the Super-Terrific Happy Fun Blog or anything. I just felt like proclaiming my happiness. For those of you that aren't currently happy, if there's anything I can do to help change that, please let me know. If you are happy being unhappy, that's cool too.
7/09/2007
How Far Are You Willing To Go To Be Cool?...


Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)