Megan, Honey, Don't Read This Post...

Well, dear readers, there are a few things I've been wanting to post about and I thought I'd try to kill a few birds with one stone. A while ago I created an account at a poll-generating site, so I wanted to incorporate a poll. I also wanted to do a gross-out post, something involving poo and odors. Check, check, and check! Remember, this is a secret ballot, so don't be shy. Feel free to share any personal experiences in the comments section, should the mood strike you. By the way, mine is pork. No question.

Consumption of which meat group results in the stinkiest turds?
	Beef
	Pork
	Lamb
	Poultry
	Fish (not shellfish)
	Shellfish
	Rabbit
	Venison
	Horse/Dog
Free polls from Pollhost.com

While You're In There, See If You Can Find His Heart And His Brain...

The FBI has searched supreme douchebag Senator Ted Steven's residence.

For those of you new to this blog, I'm not a big fan of Teddy's. He's the internet is a "series of tubes" dickhead. He sucks. That's all you need to know. Actually, you should read up on what a piss-bag this fuck is, but only if you haven't reached your contempt limit for the day.

More On Weeds...

After watching Season One of "Weeds" (almost a year ago), I posted about how great I thought it was.

I've just finished watching Season Two and would like to renew my praise. Holy shit! All you Netflixers need to get on this shit if you haven't already. Don't sweat it if you're not a dope fiend. You'll still enjoy it. I liken it a little bit to a darker version of "Arrested Development". Great characters and performances and a lot of shit you never saw coming. The finale was outstanding. It's a shame I'll have to wait so long to see Season Three.

A New Direction...

Abercrombie & Fitch is trying
something new for this year's fall catalog.



The funny thing is, if they did, I might actually consider shopping there.

Bra...

I know. The title of the post is "Bra" and here I am posting a picture of the "Bro". I actually wish bras were called bros. See, the word "bra" always throws me for a loop (or two, as the case may be). I have never settled on how to pronounce it. Sometimes I feel I should pronounce it "braw", like cole SLAW. Other times I say it like "braah", kinda like the sound that a sheep makes. It's this indecision that makes me uneasy, which leads to sweating and involuntary muscle spasms.

So, if you're ever around me, please don't ask me to talk about bras. I'll clam up and get all red and you might get the impression that I'm weird.

Important Announcement...

Even in my remote neck of the woods, we have a Home Depot and a Lowe's. In fact, they are pretty much right next to each other. From now on, I'm buying my shit at Lowe's. This is because Lowe's has said they will no longer advertise on The O'Reilly Factor. Home Depot is unwilling to take this step and is, in fact, a huge Dubya donor.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but stop shopping at Home Depot and go to Lowe's instead. I'm sure they're evil in some other way, but at least they don't fund O'Reilly, lying-ass prick that he is.

Bubs Asks, I Answer...

My pal Bubs had a few questions for me, so here goes:

1. You're stuck in a flesh-eating zombie apocalypse. Would you rather deal with Romero shambling zombies who are learning to use tools and weapons, or insensible but crazy fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies? Compare and contrast.

I'm going to cheat a little and opt for the nice, cuddly zombies that only want the best for their non-undead counterparts. That'd be a twist - a zombie movie where the zombies are the protagonists. It's worth a shot.

2. Who's the first female cartoon or comic book character you had a crush on?
Miss Buxley

3. What makes your wife/girlfriend/significant other a saint in regards to her relationship with you?

Just about everything, but mainly the gold and black New Orleans jersey and helmet. Oh, I forgot to mention, Megan is going to be starting left tackle next season.

4. Batman or James Bond?

Batman or James Bond what? You're gonna have to be more specific. IYou mean, like, who'd I rather have a beer with? Well, Bond only seems to drink martinis, so I guess I'll drink with Batman.

5. If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do (assuming you're not already doing it now) what would it be? For a living, for fun, whatever.

I'd be a jazz musician or have a career in woodworking (furniture, carving, whatever).

Odometric Milestones...

Do you feel a slight twinge of excitement when you notice your odometer rolling over to a large, round number like 50,000 or 100,000, as if it's a significant event?

I do, too. Why? It's really quite meaningless. It's certainly no more significant than any of the other miles rolling over.

I think it's because we have to be somewhat selective in the mileage changes we celebrate. If we got giddy every time the odometer changed, people would think we were fucking nuts.



By the way, I did this post in my underwear.

A Night At The Cinema With: Gary Coleman...

This is a new segment in which I highlight three films of a great actor of our time. This way, you'll have an easy reference for when you want to stay in and really delve into the works of a particular artist. I think there can be little dispute that no actor during the 1980's had the sort of box office gravitas that Gary Coleman did. He was a pint-sized blockbuster factory, churning out one boffo smash after the next. Here are three that I think demand your immediate attention:

• The Kid From Left Field (1979), Notable co-stars include: Robert Guillaume, Ed McMahon, and Gary Collins. A feel-good tale that portrays young Gary as Jackie Robinson (J.R.) Cooper, the son of ex-baseball great Guillaume. He is tasked with managing the last place Padres (never mind the fact that he's pre-pubescent), in all their shit-brown-and-urine-yellow glory, and taking them into first, all while trying to keep authorities from separating him from his cash-strapped dad. Make sure you have a box of Kleenex ready.
• On The Right Track (1981), Notable co-stars include: Maureen Stapleton, Norman Fell, and Bill Russell. A feel-good tale about a kid who lives in a locker in Grand Central Station. It's not just any kid, but a kid that has an incredible knack for picking racehorses. The film plays up the fact that Mr. Coleman is diminutive in stature and, thus, can tolerate living in such a confined space. The film is heavy on laughs...and tears. Better bring some Kleenex.
• The Kid With The Broken Halo (1982), Notable co-stars: Robert Guillaume (again), Corey Feldman, and Kim Fields. Here, in this feel-good tale, Coleman plays Andy LeBeau, a misfit angel who is given one more chance to earn his wings. He is charged with keeping a family from breaking up, cheering up a grumpy old woman, and showing a workaholic family the error of their ways. Along the way all sorts of funny shit happens, but there is plenty of raw emotion. I hope you have some of that Kleenex left!
  

Awkward...

One of the most awkward few minutes on TV each day has got to be the Q & A segment on Jeopardy after the first commercial break. It has sucked for as long as I can remember. The contestant's anecdotes are unfailingly lame, but not nearly as lame as the questions Alex asks them. The whole thing is totally uncomfortable.

It's almost as if Alex Trebek has no experience interacting with other people at all.

Me First...

Why is it that the few times I need to put a little air in my tires there's some jerkweed at the pump putting air in THEIR tires at the exact same time? What's up with this shit!? I mean, I can't be expected to wait for this yutz to finish doing the thing that I had wanted to do? So what if he got there first? He is impeding my productivity. The whole idea of "free air" is that I'm free to use it at any time without having to sit there while nerdo fills his tires. Doesn't he know I have to get home and tell all of you about this inconvenient experience? I can't afford to wait on his ass!

I Just Liked This Picture...

Happiness is a beach ball in your overalls.

The #1 Person...

According to "The Google", police chief Randy Person of Xenia, OH is the #1 person.

His picture pops up first when you do an image search for "person". I wonder if he is aware of this tremendous honor.

Donald R. Person, Esq. came in a disappointing third. Better luck next time, Donny!

Documentary Film Of The Day - Pucker Up...

Like I said in my post about the movie "Wordplay", this is the kind of doc I like. Where "Wordplay" was about people who are awesome at crossword puzzles, "Pucker Up" is about people who excel at whistling. It is not some hog-calling contest or who can sound most like a bird. These people are seriously good. They compete in different genres, like classical or pop. They are from all walks of life. One works for the Carlyle Group (ugh), one is a hippie from Key West. Another is a social worker from the Netherlands. There is also a guy who actually makes a living as a whistler. I won't give away who wins the competition. I saw this on the Sundance Channel, but I noticed that Netflix carries it. More HERE.

Would It Be Out Of Line?...

Do you think Bill O'Reilly would let me throw one of my turds at his face? I mean, if I asked him really nicely. Is that some breach of etiquette? I don't feel like it is.



**Edited to add: I guess I've been blogging too long. I'm starting to repeat myself. I found THIS POST where I talk about actually smearing poo on his face. I must be losing my edge...

A Damn Fine Cookie...

I am a huge fan of desserts. I have a major sweet tooth. I especially love chocolate. It goes great with any number of things, one of which is peanut butter. I have a terribly unsophisticated palette when it comes to most food, but when it comes to sweets, I know my shit.

Megan, the sweetheart that she is, had prepared a kind of cookie I was unfamiliar with yesterday. She said she'd found the recipe online and had never used it before. Now, you might think I'm trying to butter her up (I'm not), but I have to say these were some of the finest cookies I'd ever tasted. She agreed. They had chocolate chunks and shaved chocolate, a nice peanut butter flavor that wasn't overpowering, and some ground-up oatmeal to make them at least a little healthy. The presentation is beautiful - a sort of dark and light marbled appearance. They also had a great texture with that chewiness you look for in a cookie. It was a nice reward after having to mow the lawn. I ate a bunch of them.

Pending Megan's permission, I'll direct you to the recipe. This is a cookie that deserves to be enjoyed by the masses.

*Edited to add: HERE is a link to the recipe. See what you think.

I Don't Enjoy Mowing The Lawn...

There. I said it.

You see, a lot of people have a romanticized vision of lawn mowing, like in the picture above. They talk about the joy of being outside, enjoying nature. They talk about the alluring fragrance of the fresh-cut clippings and the regal beauty of a painstakingly manicured lawn.

It's all bogus. Mowing the lawn is a sweaty, noisy pain in the ass and you know it.

You Never Know What'll Make People Laugh...

While looking for a picture of the Speak & Spell for the last post, I was reminded of something. I had this toy as a child and I give it a lot of credit for how brilliant I am today. One thing I remember about it is that the little computer voice pronounced every letter correctly, except for the letter "M". Instead of pronouncing it "em", it pronounced it "im". Any time it asked me to spell a word with an "M", I'd type the right letters until I got to the "M" and then I'd just keep typing "M" over and over because it sounded so funny to me.

Now, bear in mind, I was dropped on my head a lot as a child.

Another Word I Fuck Up...

When I say the word "both", it sounds like "bolth".

This Is Pretty Good...

I Missed You!...

I'm back from an action-packed weekend in Chicago. My activities included:

• My first ever ride on a Chicago bus. No beer was served.
  
• Taking Megan to her first game at Wrigley. We sat in the bleachers on a beautiful Friday afternoon and watched the Cubs win 6-2. Good stuff. Plenty of beer.
  
• Seeing Lulu, Tenacious S, The Bubses, and Johnny Yen at Lulu's going-away party. Lots more beer.
• A trip out to do some home furnishing and high-end grocery shopping in the 'burbs. Wish I had beer...
• Grilled lots of food at my pal, Dave's place in Ukrainian Village. Mucho beero.
• Showers each morning. While I bathed in water, I made sure I had a beer close at hand.
  

I'm Gonna Soak In A Tub Of Italian Beef & Gravy...

I'm headed down to the deep south tonight (Chicago) to see blog-pal Lulu before she embarks on her Bangladeshi adventure. I'm hoping to perhaps take Megan to a Cubs game either Friday or Saturday. Anyone have any tickets? I've got a couple-two-tree bucks for ya if you do.

Your Forgiveness...

I took down that really obnoxious post. It wasn't cool to do that to y'all. For those that didn't see it, I made a really long post with a lot of blank space that took a long time to scroll through, only to find a lame gag at the end. I should know better.

What can I say? I was feeling a little mischievous. I can't say I won't try shit like that again, so be on your toes.

While I'm at it, I'd like to thank my visitors for indulging my goofiness. The funny thing is, I am not overtly goofy most of the time. I typically reserve that side for people who I've known personally for a long time. The blog has been a good place to be goofy around strangers and not feel inhibited.

I'm A Dick...

In case you hadn't realized already.

Man, I Haven't Done A Political Post Since The 13th!...

I like watching this every once in a while. It makes me happy. It's so seldom you see someone with Cheney's power forced to listen to such raw criticism from someone with relatively no power. It's refreshing.

Architecture Trends...

Working in the home design business, I've noticed that clients seldom ask me to include space for a rumpus room. Is it because they don't like the word "rumpus"? I wonder. Seems like a perfectly good word to me. After all, it's got "rump" in it. Judging by the demeanor of many of my clients, they could use a little rumpus in their lives.

There has also been a sharp decline in clients asking for carpeted walls. It's a damn shame.

Documentary Film Of The Day - I Like Killing Flies...

I haven't done one of these in a while. There is a film distribution company called ThinkFilm that I have come to know over the past few years. They always seem to release a lot of high-quality docs (and good dramatic stuff, too), so whenever I see their name attached to a film, I'm optimistic. This one was no exception. I don't like giving too much away in these reviews, but I highly recommend this film to anyone who has found a restaurant that is "theirs" - a place that feels like home. The film is about Kenny Shopsin, an eccentric Greenwich Village restauranteur with an incredibly large menu and a "Soup Nazi with a heart" approach to customer service. The movie is very funny and the title should not be a deterrent. More HERE.

I Sometimes Use Words That Don't Exist...

Sometimes I say "stold".

For instance, I might ask, "Who STOLD my hamburger?"

That piece of shit, The Hamburglar, that's who!

Look at him, pointing in some desperate attempt at subterfuge, as if to say, "Oh no, it wasn't me, kind sir. It was that guy over there."

Fuck you, Hamburglar. We all know it was you. You've been trying to pull that shit for years. Nobody's buying it anymore.

The jig is up, fuckface. Now give me back my fucking burger!

And, while you're at it, learn how to talk, for god's sake! The whole "Robble robble!" shtick is so fucking weak.

Some Guys...

Some guy

Former Oakland Raider punter, Ray Guy

Guy Smiley

Some other guy

While I'm On Baseball...

The old Montreal Expos logo used to bug the shit out of me. It's supposed to be an "M", but to me it looked like "elb".

The Montreal Elbows?

A Blast From The Past...

I think that even non-Cubs fans and non-baseball fans will appreciate this. Just make sure you don't listen to it at work or in front of small children, unless you think it's good they learn profanity at a young age.


*On April 29, 1983, during Lee Elia's tenure as the Cubs' manager, the Cubs suffered a one-run home loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers. After the game, he held a post-game press conference at which he lashed out in a profanity-laced tirade directed at the fans at Wrigley Field—which at that time featured only daytime games—for booing and heckling the team.

The Secrets Of Thorpe School, Grade Three...

We all have secrets we keep to ourselves. Well actually, I don't, but the rest of you do. The students in grade three of Thorpe School back in '46-'47 most certainly do. Here they are starting in the upper left:

• Had dreamed of being an astronaut rather than a schoolteacher, which is odd since NASA wasn't established until 1958.
• Once took a leak in the washroom soap dispenser.
• Saw mommy, daddy, and her neighbor, Mr. Johnson, in the attic playing "Hide the garden hose".
• Thinks Truman is a "punk".
• Enjoys what she calls "Booger Time" once a day.
• Big ol' pothead.
• Hasn't had a bath in eight months.
• Secretly likes receiving "wedgies".
• Has the power of telekinesis.
• Plays with her imaginary pet pig, Reginald.
• Doesn't really like smiling, but is doing it so the damn photographer will get off his case.
• Is actually a cyborg from the future.
• Has a problem with Portuguese people.
  
• Still wears rubber underwear.
• Too many secrets to list.
• Is jealous of the teacher for spending so much time with her secret beau, the "wedgie-lover".
• Was confused as to what a "secret" was.
• Performs pagan rituals while the rest of them are at Sunday School.
• Worries that the U.S. has lost its "moral compass".
• Can't wait to play football after school, but anyone who knows him knows that's no secret.
• Is the largest single donor to the "Booger Time" girl.
• Brushes his teeth with lard.
• Can't stand it when people say "yoodle hoodle" to get his attention.
• Is deathly afraid of earwax.
• Discovered the recipe for an eternal life elixir - two parts pickle juice, one part Listerine.

*Disclaimer: This is all bullshit. In case you were in this class and you stumble upon this post, this is all for the sake of humor and no offense was intended.

Small Towns...

Moving from a large metropolitan area to a rural one, I have come to appreciate the way small town folks create their own fun. We don't have the museums, live music venues, malls, or electricity that you city slickers take for granted. People get together and organize goofy events that are big on kitsch, but that can also be a lot of fun. For example, there is a town up here called Horton Bay. It's not much of a town. There's a general store and, well, that's it. I'd be surprised if more than 200 people live there. However, each 4th of July, they have a parade that attracts tens of thousands of people. There are no high school bands, no cub scout troops, no fire engines, and sadly, no Shriner's with their little go-karts. There is always a theme and small groups of people get together, develop an entry, make costumes, and have a blast with it.

Another example was "Poochfest", which Megan and I attended yesterday. It was basically an excuse for everyone to bring their dogs to the park. There were dog obstacle course competitions (pictured above), games for dogs, and contests which included:

• Best tail-wagger
• Smallest dog
• Biggest dog
• Most obedient dog
• Least obedient dog (talk about a clusterfuck!)
• Dog who looks the most like their owner
  
• etc.

I think there are areas they could improve on this event. For one, they need some fresher contests. Those are WAY too predictable. Here are a few suggestions I have:

• Dog that smells the most like their owner
• Dog with the biggest turds
• Best leg-humper
• Dog that can empty the water from a toilet bowl the fastest
• Best crotch-hound (this one's for you Carlin fans)
• Ugliest owner
  

I was going to add one that involved peanut butter, but seeing as this is a family blog, I'll refrain.

Republicans Are Committed To Civil Rights...

This is a picture of a debate organized by the NAACP. All the republican presidential candidates were invited to participate. In case you can't make it out, Tom Tancredo is the only one who showed. The rest of the podiums are vacant. Most cited scheduling conflicts for their absence.

All of the democratic contenders attended their debate.

Here we see Tancredo puzzled as to why
republicans do so poorly with black voters.

Pressing News...

Thank fucking god! Our long national fucking nightmare is over! Miss New Jersey gets to keep her fucking crown. You have no idea how fucking distraught I've been over this. I have literally been unable to fucking sleep at night wondering what the outcome would be. My heart goes out to this poor fucking girl, Amy Polumbo. The pain and agony she has had to fucking endure is horrible and shouldn't happen to anyone. I pray that she will find the fucking strength to put this terrible experience behind her and bring the fucking title to New Jersey where it belongs. God fucking bless her.

Remember To Flush The Eyes Thoroughly...

Here is an eyewash station for those of you contaminated by the last post.

Even More Knowing The Difference...

A bat with an erection.

An onion that has been cut and deep-fried in such a way
as to make it appear to be "blooming" or "blossoming".
They are available at many chain-style eateries.



**This is the last entry in this series.
For those of you who are concerned, the bat picture was
one of the first to come up during a Google
image search for "weird shit". Don't believe me?
See for yourself.

More Knowing The Difference...

The Onion

The Bloomin' Onion

Lady Bird...

Lady Bird Johnson died. I didn't know shit about Lady Bird. She was around before my time. Honestly, I assumed she was already dead. I do, however, know the (unrelated) song, "Ladybird", by XTC. It's very pretty:

O, ladybird
I have heard you wish to walk me through your garden
I crave your pardon if I woke you with my thinking
Ladybird

O, ladybird
I have heard you wish to walk me through your meadow
You'll spread no wings to fly in fright if I'm beside you
Ladybird

All through the winter time
When wood was worm and splintered
Time seemed longer than a goods train
Now that spring is back again
I'll ask your name, your name

O, ladybird
I have heard you wish to walk across my pillow
No weeping willow was ever as beautiful, sad as you are
Ladybird

And as you're walking past
I'm laying on the grass and making chains of thought
To snare you with my wit
But bit by bit you fade to gone
Gone

All through the iron season
Love was hanged and treason became
Something of a parlour game
Now sun is back in power
I'll ask your name, your name

O, ladybird
I have heard you have to run to tend your children
No flood can drown nor fire blacken purest longing
For ladybird
Ladybird

Shameless...

This was a picture The Assman submitted for the "Cat Fancy" centerfold.

A Super-Boring Video...

I really know how to sell things, don't I?

This was shot last night. There is nothing really special, other than a pretty pink sky, some kids riding around on a new mini-scooter, and both cats out on the deck together. I'm telling you, you'll be bored fucking stiff, so consider yourself warned.

Know The Difference...

Blossom

Awesome Blossom

Another Weird Breakfast...

Last time it was a caramel apple coated in cashews. Today it's:

Leftover venison steak.

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Happy...

I am so fucking happy right now.

I'm so happy that I kinda feel guilty about it. I mean, nobody wants to hear how happy someone else is. I usually avoid this sort of thing on my blog. I think if I were to go back and do a tally, the bulk of my posts would be about something that pisses me off (government, media, Russians, etc...). I think we like that type of stuff more for some reason. I think the evidence is clear that we'd rather watch bad news than uplifting stories about people who feel good about life. Why do you suppose that is?

By the way, don't get nervous. I'm not planning on turning this into the Super-Terrific Happy Fun Blog or anything. I just felt like proclaiming my happiness. For those of you that aren't currently happy, if there's anything I can do to help change that, please let me know. If you are happy being unhappy, that's cool too.

How Far Are You Willing To Go To Be Cool?...

People have been altering their appearance in radical ways ever since the world started way back with Adam and Eve. When I was in high school, the big subversive trend was spiky, multi-colored mohawks. Hair, though, was too temporary of a medium. Piercings and tattoos offered a more permanent statement and showed a commitment to self mutilation, but have ultimately become pretty mainstream. Nowadays, people are pushing the limits even more. Some choose to gradually enlarge the holes in their ears like this person above. Some have their tongues forked. Some file their teeth to resemble fangs. I remember seeing this one guy that had threaded holes embedded into his skull into which he could screw little pointed studs. However, none of this can even come close to the African plate-mouth thing. Until you attempt this, you ain't nothin' in my book. Call me when you get one of these bad boys.