12/14/2006

Bite Me, Obnoxiously Perfect Christmas Newsletter Family...

A lot of you must get those sap-filled Christmas "newsletters" from the greatest family in the whole world. The ones that make you want to wretch. Here's the worst culprit I could find from last year (Names withheld to protect the sucky sucks that sent this. It is 100% real.) :

Dear Friends,

Our 2005 was overwhelmed by good news. Headlining the news is *****'s engagement to **** ******. If you refer back to your previous editions of this newsletter, you'll recall that ****is a wonderful young man; charming, handsome, bright, and ambitious -- characteristics shared by *****. Since last year's newsletter, **** entered the MBA program at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management.

****'s proposal to ***** set a standard that will never be surpassed. An actual recounting would fill a book. This abridged newsletter version will point out that the proposal included a violin player strategically pre-positioned by the fountain in the courtyard of the church near Watertower Place in downtown Chicago, a fabulous purse that ***** had been considering in which **** placed engagement ring diamonds, and a bended knee proposal, all followed by a horse drawn carriage tour of *****'s favorite places in downtown Chicago.

You need not rush to make travel plans for the wedding. It is scheduled for June 2007, after **** graduates from B-school. It's hard to envision a more perfect couple, and their engagement made us at least as happy as they are.

Next on the list of good news is that by the time you read this newsletter, **** will have graduated from Michigan State University's Eli Broad School of Business with a degree in Supply Chain. Supply Chain is all about Just In Time Manufacturing, Enterprise Resource Planning, business-to-business electronic order placement and fulfillment, and so forth. **** deserves credit for selecting a field that is in demand with few competing programs, and for completing his degree. If you have any job leads, you can reply immediately.

**** continues in his journey toward a PhD in BioMedical Engineering at Washington University in St. Louis, MO. He's on the cutting edge of brain research -- literally. This month he spent a week in Washington, DC, giving a presentation at the Society for Neuroscience Conference. In August we were able to visit **** in his domain at the BME lab at Wash. U. We continue to be awed by ****'s brilliance and knowledge.

It's somewhat surreal that in a year of natural disasters globally and at home in the U.S. and continued tragic conflicts in the world we have enjoyed so much good fortune. ****** and I continue with too many volunteer and communtiy service projects and hope that in some way that ameliorates some of the hardship others are suffering. In the meantime, we look forward to an even better 2006 for everyone.

Update:

-The engagement is off after ***** found **** in bed with the pool boy. She surprised everyone when she brought a member of the Korean Mafia as her date to this year's Thanksgiving dinner.

-**** is still unemployed. Turns out Supply Chain wasn't the cash cow everyone thought. He spends his days watching "Ellen" and gently sobbing.

-**** was charged with negligent homicide after cutting open the skull of what he THOUGHT was a cadaver. Turns out it was his professor taking a nap.

-Mom & Dad were asked to "cease and desist" any further volunteer activities after people tired of them asking if they'd accepted Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior every ten minutes.

12 comments:

Megan said...

Sorry, I couldn't read that whole letter. I did, however, read your update, which made me laugh even though it's not nice to make fun of people who call off engagements.

vikkitikkitavi said...

That letter's not for real, is it?

What a colossal douchelord.

Anonymous said...

teri says:

that's why folks shouldn't send sappy newsletters, the bullshit eventually hits the fan and then you look like a complete and utter ASS.

that was funny as hell though.

Big Orange said...

Be Ye Wary of any letters that start off with fawning praise for weddings and ends wih sappy religious, sanctimonious bullshit.

Flannery Alden said...

"-Mom & Dad were asked to "cease and desist" any further volunteer activities after people tired of them asking if they'd accepted Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior every ten minutes. "

If only people would really do this!

Chris said...

Megan- As long as you laughed...

Vikki- For real. Now, I should say that it was not sent to me, but to someone I know. I have no idea who these people are.

Teri- Glad you liked it!

B.O.- Believe me, I am...

Flan- Dare to dream...

Johnny Yen said...

I HATE those f*cking newsletters. My youngest brother was the worst culprit (he's also the one who send emails with 15 oh so adorable pictures of his poorly behaved children.) I think his wife actually wrote the newsletters-- she's got bipolar disorder, and so the letters were more random and rambling than normal obnoxious stupid Christmas newsletters.

Since she's had a complete breakdown, the newsletters have stopped. My brother still emails the goddamned pictures, which are each like 1200 pixals wide.

Marni said...

It's Mr. Christmas Poo! Hey, CP! Nice to see ya!

Classic...

Melissa said...

Is the update for real, too? I'm scared for that family, if so...

Valerie (Bunso) said...

We had neighbors that gave a month-by-month recap of their last year. It was soooooooo boring. I should've kept it just for laughs.

SkippyMom said...

I am pretty sure I have written this before but you elicit it in me.....

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

I am inspired to write my own for my blog...it should read splendiforously! giggle...

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