A Parting Wish...

This will be my last post until after the new year. I didn't bother to recruit a guest blogger as I'm sure everyone has their own shit going on and shouldn't be troubled to tend to my flock.

To all of you: Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Kwanzaa, and whatever the hell you cranky-pants Atheists celebrate. I hope this arbitrary holiday called New Years marks the beginning of new and better things for each of you. I've enjoyed getting to know you this past year and look forward to more laughs in 2007!

In closing, please use the comments section of this post as an open forum while I'm away. Talk about whatever you like. Make a mess. Run around naked. You have the reigns. I'll be interested to see what's here when I get back...

3...2...1...

I'm officially on vacation, bitches!

A Reminder...

I mentioned this a while back, but I'm leaving for Chi-town tomorrow and wanted to post about this before I left. Some of us will be getting together on December 29, any time after 6:00 P.M. at my friends' restaurant, Club Lago, on the corner of Superior & Orleans in the lovely River North gallery district. If we decide to bar-hop, we'll leave word with the staff where we went, in case you get there late. This is an open invitation to any blogger, lurker, or anyone else that may want to come out and meet people they only know through the internets.

If any of you want to spread the word on your own blogs, please do. I think this will be fun!

Haven't You Seen His Movies?...

"YES, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I HOPE I BURN IN HELL!!"

Samuel L. Jackson turns 58 today.
He yells a lot.

To What Should I Attribute My Unprecedented Popularity?...

My buddy Jen over at The Slack tagged me...

A- Available or single? Engaged. Oh, didn't I tell you!?
B- Best Friend? Diamonds (What can I say? I'm in touch with my feminine side.)
C- Cake or pie? Both go right to my thighs.
D- Drink of choice? puddle water
E- Essential item I use every day. plunger
F- Favorite color: Badd (as in "Color me...)
G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? Gummy Venus De Milo
H- Hometown? Elmhurst , IL
I- Indulgence: No, I'm not Catholic.
J- January or February? It would've been February, but that silent-r pisses me off.
K- Kids and names: A girl, Nargausius, and a boy, L'il Suck.
L- Life is incomplete without? Mikey (He LIKES it!)
M- Marriage date: potato salad
N- Number of siblings: brother & sister (twins), younger
O- Oranges or apples? I don't like to compare these two things.
P- Phobias or fears? Concrete, grass, and wood. It's a cross I bear every day.
Q- Favorite quote? "Huh?" - Britney Spears
R- Reasons to smile: gassiness
S- Season: Sure, put a little Oregano on it.
T- Tag 3 or 4 people. Hey, don't be tellin' me what to do!
U- Unknown fact about me: I have exactly two hairs on the mid-knuckles of my two ring fingers, but none of the other ones. Seriously.
V- Vegetable you don’t like: You name it, I probably don't like it.
W- Worst habit: Sticking my dick in the mashed potatoes.
Y- Your favorite food? F to the muthafuckin' P, boy-eeez! As if you didn't know.
Z- Zodiac? Uncle Leo

The Wednesday One...

Here's a list of the last song to pop up on my I-Pod:

• As I Recall It - Donovan

That is all...

Something I Wonder...

Do you think that all of us perceive colors the same way? I mean, what if what I consider to be blue is red to someone else. Or maybe other people see colors that I cannot even comprehend. After all, it's all relative.

When you're young, someone tells you the sky is blue and the grass is green. You say, "Sure, whatever", and continue to suck down the remainder of your Fla-Vor-Ice, then roll up the plastic packaging and blow, like one of those party favors, not considering that everyone's perception of color could be vastly different. I mean, everyone's physiology differs, right? What's to say that subtle differences in people's rod and cones could result in something like this? Just something to think about.

You Asked For It...

Reasons I'm an ass:

• I haven't spoken to my brother since August out of sheer stubborness.
• I watch horrible TV shows when I could be doing something constructive.
• I bitch about politics and injustice and don't really do jack shit about it.
• I over-analyze women's intentions to the point that I drive myself crazy.
• I tell people how powerful forgiveness can be, then don't practice it myself.
• I don't always speak up when I should.
• I have a dead Pine in my yard that has been dead forever and I refuse to cut the fucker down, even though it looks awful.
• I pay bills late and get charged a fee, even when I have the money and no good reason why I can't pay them on time.
• I let myself get worked up about things of no consequence.

Ahhhh... Sweet catharsis. There's plenty more. Feel free to add a few.

Oh, please, no pity. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's part of the package. Someday I'll get it under control.

What Next?...

What do you think? Should we discuss the death penalty? Abortion? Affirmative action? Beatles vs. Stones?

Or should I return to breezy pop culture and scatological humor?

Or should we discuss why I'm such an ass?

It's your call...

Meet Madalyn Murray O'Hair...

I saw this documentary on Sundance last night called "Godless In America". It told the story of Ms. O'Hair, the murdered leader of the American Atheists. She's the one who fought to get prayer out of schools in the '60s and was subsequently named the "Most Hated Woman In America", by Life Magazine. I had never heard of her.

If you read the Wikipedia link, she sounded like a real bitch. In the movie, she was abrasive, but seemed to have a sense of humor. The bottom line is that she was anti-establishment and a shit-disturber and I appreciate that. I think it's good to question any sort of power structure. I think Atheism is a little extreme. Atheists seems as absolute in their beliefs as Theists do. Atheism requires the same kind of faith in the unknowable. I prefer Agnosticism. Why not just admit we don't fucking know what the deal is? I believe there are forces at work beyond our comprehension, but I know I could be wrong. No one knows for sure. It seems like the people who claim to be sure are the ones causing all the problems.

The Accolades Just Keep Coming...

In what some are calling the "biggest cop-out of all time", Time Magazine has named me their "Person Of The Year".

Shit. I didn't even know I was in the running!

Fucking stupid, irrelevant mainstream media...

Help Settle An Argument...

OK, perhaps my pals out there in blogland can set someone I know straight...

Yesterday (Sunday the 17th) I told someone I'd "see them next week". Do you think this means that I'll see them sometime between the 18th and 23rd OR between the 24th and 30th. In order to keep this fair, I won't reveal which I think is correct. The answer seems obvious to me...

The Funniest Person I Know...

If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a big fan of laughter. I require it on a daily basis. Sometimes people I know make me laugh. Sometimes I laugh because of comedians or other famous people. Sometimes I make myself laugh. Currently, no one can make me laugh as hard or as easily as my sister can. I talk with her on the phone maybe once a week. She has the ability to get me laughing so hard I can't breathe. Most of it is goofy shit from our childhood that no one else would find funny. She also does spot-on impressions of certain family members. I hope all of you have some source of uncontrolable laughter. It's really one of my favorite things in life.

And before any of you sick fucks say anything, no, I did not marry my sister...

The Results Of My CoinStar/I-Tunes Shopping Spree...

OK. I tried to at least purchase one track off each person's list (unless you told me you'd burn shit for me). The other songs I bought were either non-blog recommendations or stuff I remembered and thought I'd like. I still have like $9 credit, so if you have any last ditch suggestions, now's the time. Here they are (in the alphabetical order determined by my I-Pod):

• Bedouin Soundclash - 12:59 Lullaby (The Boob Lady, sort of)
  
• Big Head Todd & The Monsters (with John Lee Hooker) - Boom Boom (Dave, who I happened to be on the phone with at the time, so he got a bunch of credits.)
  
• Big Head Todd & The Monsters - The Moose Song (Guido)
  
• Big Bill Broonzy - John Henry (Me)
  
• Bob Dylan - Shelter From The Storm (Me)
  
• Bob Dylan - A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall (Me)
  
• Canned Heat - Going Up The Country (Dave)
  
• The Decemberists - The Mariner's Revenge Song (Beth)
  
• Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation (Flannery - sort of)
  
• Genesis - The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway (Elizabeth and Genn6)
  
• Guster - Amsterdam (Johnny Yen)
  
• Harry Nilsson - Jump Into The Fire (Frank)
  
• Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Henehene Kou'Aka (Vikkitikkitavi, a LONG time ago)
  
• Jeff Buckley - If You Knew (Live) (Megan)
  
• Jimmy Rushing - Boogie Woogie (I May Be Wrong) (Me)
  
• Joe Jackson - Another World (Frank)
  
• Leonard Cohen - Tower Of Song (Guido)
  
• Metric - Poster Of A Girl (Frank)
  
• My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade (Geo)
  
• Night Ranger - Sister Christian (forgive Me)
• Ocean Blue - Between Something And Nothing (mixednut)
  
• Old 97's - Time Bomb (Me)
  
• Olu Dara - Your Lips (Dave)
  
• Patsy Cline - Walkin' After Midnight (Me)
  
• Paul Simon - Kodachrome (Me)
  
• Queen - These Are The Days Of Our Lives (Guido)
  
• The Raconteurs - Level (Dave)
  
• The Redwalls - Universal Blues (Dave)
  
• The Shins - New Slang (Slinger)
  
• The Sounds - Song With A Mission (Frank)
  
• The Specials - A Message To You Rudy (Me)
  
• The Specials - Monkey Man (Live) (Me)
• The Sundays - Folk Song (Teri)
  
• Stray Cats - Built For Speed (Marni)
  
• Van Halen - Drop Dead Legs (I know, I should have "1984") (Me)
  
• The Vincent Black Shadow - Metro (Amy)
  
• Violent Femmes - American Music (Flannery)
  
• Weezer - Beverly Hills (Geo)
  
• The White Stripes - Sister, Do You Know My Name? (Me)
  
• The White Stripes - Black Math (Me)

Thanks for the help. So far I like what I'm hearing! For those of you who recommended entire albums, I'll definitely look into them.

A Christmas-Flavored Tag...

This one comes via Genn6.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I suppose if I had to pick, it'd be hot chocolate, but I'm not a big fan of hot drinks. Drinking a glass full of raw eggs just sounds disgusting.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Actually, Santa farms that stuff out to 9-year-old Malaysians. Globalization, baby!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
We had custom-made black Christmas lights. It made Christmas that much more funky.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. Well, only where you can't see it. Ka-zing!

5. When do you put your decorations up?
April.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Rita Moreno.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
Cleaning all the reindeer droppings off the roof. Those things make an ungodly mess. My brother, sister, and I would compete to see who could find the most/biggest/stankest. The winner got a Denny's gift certificate.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
You mean the shit about his, um, tendencies towards his reindeer fleet. I'm sorry. This is a family blog.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
I open a bunch. Once your parents divorce, it becomes necessity.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
I once got this really sad, "Charlie Brown"-tree and decorated it. It looked great, but each day I'd come home and the cat had knocked everything, lights and ornaments, off. He continued, so I discontinued the tree.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
I live along Lake Michigan in Northern Michigan in one of the premier snow belts in the country. I'd better like snow.

12. What's the best part of Christmas to you?
Kids laughing and smiling a lot.

13 . Do you remember your favorite gift?
Not really. I remember getting a bitchin' Navy Pea Coat that I really wanted one year.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
The birth of little baby Jesus, of course! Do you think Joseph got to cut the cord?

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
My mom makes this chocolate-covered thing with peppermint ice cream, the kind with the candy bits in it. I ask her to make it each year. She does because she knows how much my approval means.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Lately, it's been Dubya's "Barney-Cam".

17. What tops your tree?
Bitch, I tell you I ain't gots no tree! Shee-it.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?
Again, this is a family blog. Totally inappropriate question.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Mama's Gotta Die Tonight, by Body Count

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Oh, you're supposed to EAT those things!? Thanks for telling me.

I want to see what my boy, Frank, can do with this puppy.

This Website Would Be Pretty Cool If I Thought It Actually Worked...

Here's something I happened upon. Maybe you've all tried this before and I'm the last to know. It wouldn't be the first time. You just upload a photo and it cranks out celebrities you supposedly look like.

First, my original avatar:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Antonio Meucci, Jack Lemmon, Ezra Pound, Tom Brady, Jennifer Capriati (poor girl), Cat Stevens, Gilbert Becaud (?), Kurt Vonnegut

Now, a non-bearded photo:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Hal Sparks, Bill Paxton (Chet!! What're the fucking odds!?), James Garner, Billy Bob Thornton, Ben Stiller, Dean Cain, Aidan Quinn, Josh Duhamel (?)

And just for shits & giggles, my third grade class photo:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Juliette Lewis, Darryl Hannah, Sienna Miller, Izabella Scorupco (?), Anna Kournikova, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Halle Berry, Bridget Fonda

Try it yourself. It's pretty easy.

Some Of The Shit I Miss About Chicago...

...besides, of course, my family and friends:

Canfield's 50/50 (even though I no longer drink pop.)

Kick ass live music venues like the Double Door (above), the Vic, the Riv, the Green Mill, and many others.

Driving on Lake Shore Drive (sans traffic).

Dive bars with Old Style signs in the window.

Fannie May Pixies.

and Tommy "Skillet-head" Skilling.

I Loves Me Some Banjo...

...and I love musical jams. As Steve Martin used to say, you just can't help but feel happy when you hear the banjo.

Bite Me, Obnoxiously Perfect Christmas Newsletter Family...

A lot of you must get those sap-filled Christmas "newsletters" from the greatest family in the whole world. The ones that make you want to wretch. Here's the worst culprit I could find from last year (Names withheld to protect the sucky sucks that sent this. It is 100% real.) :

Dear Friends,

Our 2005 was overwhelmed by good news. Headlining the news is *****'s engagement to **** ******. If you refer back to your previous editions of this newsletter, you'll recall that ****is a wonderful young man; charming, handsome, bright, and ambitious -- characteristics shared by *****. Since last year's newsletter, **** entered the MBA program at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management.

****'s proposal to ***** set a standard that will never be surpassed. An actual recounting would fill a book. This abridged newsletter version will point out that the proposal included a violin player strategically pre-positioned by the fountain in the courtyard of the church near Watertower Place in downtown Chicago, a fabulous purse that ***** had been considering in which **** placed engagement ring diamonds, and a bended knee proposal, all followed by a horse drawn carriage tour of *****'s favorite places in downtown Chicago.

You need not rush to make travel plans for the wedding. It is scheduled for June 2007, after **** graduates from B-school. It's hard to envision a more perfect couple, and their engagement made us at least as happy as they are.

Next on the list of good news is that by the time you read this newsletter, **** will have graduated from Michigan State University's Eli Broad School of Business with a degree in Supply Chain. Supply Chain is all about Just In Time Manufacturing, Enterprise Resource Planning, business-to-business electronic order placement and fulfillment, and so forth. **** deserves credit for selecting a field that is in demand with few competing programs, and for completing his degree. If you have any job leads, you can reply immediately.

**** continues in his journey toward a PhD in BioMedical Engineering at Washington University in St. Louis, MO. He's on the cutting edge of brain research -- literally. This month he spent a week in Washington, DC, giving a presentation at the Society for Neuroscience Conference. In August we were able to visit **** in his domain at the BME lab at Wash. U. We continue to be awed by ****'s brilliance and knowledge.

It's somewhat surreal that in a year of natural disasters globally and at home in the U.S. and continued tragic conflicts in the world we have enjoyed so much good fortune. ****** and I continue with too many volunteer and communtiy service projects and hope that in some way that ameliorates some of the hardship others are suffering. In the meantime, we look forward to an even better 2006 for everyone.

Update:

-The engagement is off after ***** found **** in bed with the pool boy. She surprised everyone when she brought a member of the Korean Mafia as her date to this year's Thanksgiving dinner.

-**** is still unemployed. Turns out Supply Chain wasn't the cash cow everyone thought. He spends his days watching "Ellen" and gently sobbing.

-**** was charged with negligent homicide after cutting open the skull of what he THOUGHT was a cadaver. Turns out it was his professor taking a nap.

-Mom & Dad were asked to "cease and desist" any further volunteer activities after people tired of them asking if they'd accepted Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior every ten minutes.

It's Thursday And You Know What THAT Means...

...Time for a picture of Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy!

Please don't ask how this name crept into my subconscious.

The funny thing is, his real name is almost as cool - Fedor Jeftichew.

Quite Possibly The Worst YouTube Video You Will Ever Have The Misfortune Of Seeing...

This is my next submission for the Academy's consideration. It's me weatherstripping my windows. If you turn up the volume, you can hear the movie "Ghost World" playing in the background. The beer, naturally, is Molson.

Attention Fellow Office Fans...

There's a special hour-long Christmas show tonight, starting at 8:00 (7:00c).

Please plan accordingly...

Cool Older People...

The guy wearing what can only be described as one of the best hats of all time is my friend, Ken. This is a picture he sent me the other day from his trip to Antarctica. Here he is making time with the Russian crew members on his boat.

I met Ken and his wife on my first trip to South Africa. After we located the perfect spot for our group's daily post-work happy hour (beers were like 50 cents), I knew we'd be fast friends. He's the kind of person people like to be around. Soon after we returned, his wife, Audrey, lost a fight with cancer. Since this time, Ken has set an example for me as far as what retirement can be.

I'll often get letters from Ken from exotic places. One minute he's in Zambia, doing work with Heifer International, then he's in some remote part of the Amazon, passing a peace-pipe with a native tribe. He's always somewhere new: Papua-New Guinea, Cambodia, and apparently Antarctica. This is what I want to do someday. I want to see as much of this world as I can. I don't care if it's primitive, poverty-stricken, war-torn. It doesn't matter. I'd go anywhere if someone gave me a plane ticket.

Believe it or not, Ken is actually a retired Lutheran pastor. I know I dump on organized religion a lot, but I've learned from experience that not all religious people are gay-hating bible-thumpers. A lot of them are pretty cool.

I'd Like To Butter Yer Muffin...

My younger brother's friends used to call me "Chet". For some reason, they thought I overcharged them once for some beer I bought them before they were 21.

Well, that and my fondness for the phrase "Yer stewed, buttwad!"

Another Blasted Tag!...

...courtesy of the friendly neighborhood Boob Lady. I am supposed to name five songs that represent how I am feeling right...wait for it...now! If you don't mind, I'm going to stick to songs on my I-Pod. Otherwise, there are just too damn many songs out there to choose from.

1. This Is The Day, by The The. It represents the unbridled optimism I possess at all times.
2. Waving My Dick In The Wind, by Ween. I ran out of clean underwear today, so, you know...
3. Valley Winter Song, by Fountains Of Wayne. Despite the fact it's not quite winter, there is some snow left and I live in the Boyne Valley. Besides, it's a pretty song.
4. The Luckiest, by Ben Folds. I'm a lucky person, for the most part. A lot of things tend to work out to my benefit. I'm feeling particularly lucky right now.
   
5. Little Boxes, by Malvina Reynolds. Those of you who watch the show "Weeds" know this little ditty. Working in architecture may have something to do with this.

I tag my four new links additions (see below). Of course, it is completely optional, as always. As someone I know likes to say, I'm not the boss of you...

Housekeeping...

I was going to wait until my 10,000 hit to update my links, but fuck it. It's the time of year to be giving. I'm sure my endorsement will ensure the meteoric success of the following blogs:

Slinger is a Chicago Bears fan and can't stand bad drivers that bitch about how bad other drivers are. I concur.

Gizmorox has a blog I've been checking out recently. She seems to share a bunch of mutual blog-pals. She likes OKGO and she already added me to her list. Thanks!

Johnny Yen is another Chicagoan (and I believe an Elmhurstian), a teacher, and a fan of Phil Ochs. From what I can tell, he's a hell of a storyteller and has a great retirement planned.

I Dig Hootch And Cootch is a Canuck and has a sick, twisted mind that I can appreciate. He's a hell of an animator to boot. Warning, this blog is not for the faint of heart.

My apologies if I've forgotten anyone. As always, the links will be added in non-alphabetical order. Sorry, OCDers!

Puke Inducing...

I know, to some, it can annoying for people to talk about how cute their son/daughter/grandchild/niece/nephew is, but just humor me. One of my concerns about living far away was that my niece wouldn't know who I was. Last night, my sister called. She and my brother-in-law often show Nora (14 months) a photo album with pictures of different relatives. Yesterday she asked "Where's Uncle Christopher?" Nora walked over to where the album was and pointed to it. My sister handed it to her and she opened it up to my picture and pointed. My sister repeated this later to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Needless to say, I'm a proud uncle. By the way, that's her with the Fisher-Price farm I gave her for her birthday.

I Don't Ask You People For Much...

...but I need as many people to respond to this post as possible. Last night I saw a commercial for those CoinStar change-counting machines. They mentioned that there is no charge if you redeem your money in the form of credit towards different things (Amazon, Circuit City, etc.). I am most interested in I-Tunes. You see, I used to buy CDs all the fucking time. However, it's been a while since I've taken a chance on unknown music (I used to buy certain albums based on the fact that the cover looked cool, not knowing anything else.). I'd love for as many people as I can find to give me five of their "must-have" songs. They can be mainstream, obscure, any genre, any artist - just songs that you really really like. Here is a LIST of albums I have, in case you don't want to overlap.

I always empty my change into a jar each night, so I figure I can buy and download a healthy amount of music. Your assitance is greatly appreciated!

Early Retirement...

I know there are a lot of people out there who love their jobs. I like mine pretty well myself. Some people pour every bit of their souls into their career. It's the focal point of their lives. There are even those who postpone retirement because they're afraid they won't know what to do with themselves. They figure they'll be bored and do nothing but sit around and watch Dr. Phil all day.

This attitude does not compute with me. If I could, I would retire tomorrow. If I have the option financially to stop worrying about earning an income, I'll take it in a heartbeat. There are a million things I could find to do. I could sit around and carve fish all day, for one. I could dream up stupid blog ideas. I could read books I've wanted to read, see movies I've wanted to see, and watch all the episodes of "Saved By The Bell" consecutively, in order, from the days of Miss Bliss to the college years. I could teach myself how to play the trumpet. I could take walks in the woods, find pretty spots, and just sit. I could volunteer doing any number of things to help people out. There's no limit to the fun you could have.

Retirement, to me, doesn not mean you have to stop working. It just means you aren't obligated to work if you don't feel like it. That's the sort of freedom I want in life. Don't you? Or maybe you hate freedom...

Just out of curiosity, what would you guys do with your retirement?

Are They Still Playing Football?...

I kinda lost track of football during my east coast swing. Plus, the Bears have not looked as strong as they did earlier in the season. This, combined with the fact that they tend to suck on Monday night, made my expectations low.

What a pleasant surprise! Hester was magical and Grossman seemed to get off the schnide. Plus-40 point games bode well for us. Keep hope alive, Chicago Bears!

The Mall...

Anyone who was raised in the suburbs (and probably a few who weren't) know that the social and cultural center for any teen or pre-teen is the mall. It's where all the magic happens. I never understood why, at the time, the mall was always the default destination if we couldn't come up with something better. I never had money to buy anything. I'd patiently wait as my other friends would peruse video game stores for the latest and greatest. Normally we could sucker one of our parents to drive, but occassionally had to resort to (ack) the bus. Our staple mall was Yorktown Center in Lombard, IL.

One of the challenges that came with each trip to the mall was to see if we could "out-obnoxious" our previous trip. A few of our favorite pasttimes included:

• Buying super-balls, going up to the second level, and bouncing the ball down to the lower level and across to the other side. We learned the hard way to avoid doing this in front of a shop that sells crystal or Hummels.
• Playing "Killer" (a tougher-sounding form of hide-and-seek) in one of the anchor stores like Marshall Fields. Every now and then they'd be serving cheese & crackers in the furnture department if you were lucky. Kids gravitate towards freebies like moths to a flame.
• Once we bought a helium balloon and poured a jar of that green slime stuff (you know what I'm talking about) and released it while the slime dripped down upon unsuspecting shoppers.
• We'd go to customer service and see if we could convince the person working to page someone. I know you're thinking we'd use names like "Mike Hunt" or "Phil McCracken", but we got enough of a kick out of using regular names that we never had to resort to that. We were weird.

Of course, there were always mall security to contend with, as well as frustrated retail workers that had enough shit to deal with besides annoying mouth-breathers like us.

Nowadays I loathe the fucking mall. I avoid them at all costs. The nearest one to me is about 1.5 hours away. Suits me just fine. I've eaten enough Sbarro pizza to last a lifetime.

The Crush Tag...

I'm now supposed to talk about my childhood crushes. I have Megan to thank for making relive all the pain and rejection. As Billy Crystal once said, "While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it." Try not to cry...

The first crush I can remember lasted basically from kindergarten through fifth grade. She was easily the prettiest, most popular girl in school. She was from a wealthy family and always came back from Christmas and Spring breaks with a savage tan. Despite this, she was really cool and not stuck up at all. The one thing I had going for me was the ability to make her laugh. Unfortunately, I was a shrimp and felt insecure about it. I never worked up the nerve to act on my feelings. She ended up marrying a local politician.

In Junior High, I had a thing for this really cute girl who was one of the few that was actually shorter than me. We used to have a Friday night ballroom dance class that everyone's parents forced them to take and I'd always ask her to dance (the girls had to say yes, thank god). She was also part of the popular crowd, so I would've been a step down for her. I eventually gave up, fearing ridicule if I actually told her I liked her.

In high school I had a bunch of crushes. Most of them either had boyfriends already or were way out of my league. As a result of all this, I was a basket case going into college when it came to women. I still am, to an extent, but I did grow (finally) and I feel a certain level of confidence. As I've explained in other posts, I still have some issues when it comes to approaching women. Sorry to bum everyone out on a Monday, but sometimes the truth hurts.

OK, so I tag my boys Frank (although he may have done this one), Geo, and Phil (who hasn't posted shit in a while). Go to it, fellas!

A Helpful Tip For New Bloggers...

I remember when I started this blog, it was a challenge getting people to notice it. If you have a new blog and want to attract an audience, I have a sure-fire way to do it. Title one of your posts "Nipples" and people will flock to you. Since my recent Jennifer Aniston post, you would not believe the increase in traffic I've had and how many people found me as a result of doing a nipple search on Google. For some reason, searches for "Twizzlers" also bring me a lot of hits as well.

Issue One...

Some Guy's Blog is the shit...

Bye-bye!

Anyone out there like McLaughlin as much as I do?

I didn't think so...

This Sucks...

Now what am I supposed to do? As you probably know from watching the news lately, all the world's problem are either solved or on the cusp of being solved. As a result, about 50% of my potential blog content will be moot. This is going to force me to be even more creative than before and may completely sap me of all my blogging energy. I was afraid this might happen one day...

First, the Iraq Study Group. This blue-ribbon panel (average age=97) uncovered a lot of stuff that we commoners would've never been privy to had it not been for them. These freedom-haters had the nerve to tell us that the situation in Iraq is deteriorating. WHAT!? What about all those hospitals and schools they'd painted? I, for one, would've never believed it, but Ed Meese is part of the group, so it's GOT to be true. Obviously, our President, god love him, is moving swiftly to adopt all of their recommendations. He has admitted repeatedly that the entire mess was his fault and his alone. He has learned that wars based on a bunch of bullshit lies don't have positive outcomes, no matter how much of a god-given gift liberty is to all mankind. He is en route to Iran, as I write this, to sit down with Ahmedinejaddaladdadingdong to iron out how to make things right. Problem fucking solved.

Next we have the issue of congressional corruption. Specifically, the Foley Scandal (or "Foleygate" or "The Bay of Foley Fiasco" or "The Dirty Old Mancident"). The findings found that no one did anything wrong. The republicans, god love 'em, gave themselves a gold star for all their efforts to root out the pederasts amongst them. I say, job, well, done. Bravo.

Aside from these things, bipartisan unity is flourishing, global warming has stopped, Pinochet is reported dead, and it looks like there's gonna be a new Rambo movie. It's fucking Morning In America, bitches!

Man, I hope the well has not run dry...

Thanks, Sans!...

Check out this kick-ass billboard made by our friend over at Sans Pantaloons. If you haven't yet, check out his blog! This billboard will be visible along 290, headed into Chicago, by where the old Magikist lips used to be.

Slim Goodbody...

Anybody remember this nerdlick?

I know it's not very nice but...

DORK!!

Master Cleanser...

Have any of you ever tried THIS? Essentially you consume nothing but a mix of water, fresh lemon juice, organic maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days and it's supposed to rid your body of all sorts of toxins & shit. I'd like to do it sometime just to see what the effects are (and to see if I can). If you have, let me know what you thought.

Nipples...

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and I know the subject of Ms. Aniston's hard nipples have been covered ad nauseum, but seriously, is there some sort of nipple-Viagra on the market that I don't know about? Is there such a thing as Nipular Priapism?

A Few Questions For You Beta Bloggers...

I just made the leap to Beta. I can see a few problems:

• Why are a bunch of the commenters showing up as Anonymous and is there anything I can do to change this? It's going to be EXTREMELY annoying to not know who is leaving which comment.
• Do I not get to see people's avatars anymore when they comment?
• Did I just make a huge mistake switching over?
• Do you hate freedom?

I'm cold and there are wolves after me...

For All Y'all In The South...

I'm submitting this film for the next Oscars. I figure I'm a shoo-in for best costumes and best score.

When I Make My Millions...

As I've probably mentioned numerous times, I am not the type of person that is motivated by money. New stuff is not a big priority in my life. I don't want this to come off as me sounding superior in any way. I've just never had a problem driving an old car or accepting hand-me-down furniture. I don't need a huge home with modern gadgets. I can't deny that I'd enjoy them if I had them, but these things aren't a source of ultimate happiness for me. You may think I'm full of shit, but that's OK.

I honestly believe that some day I will have a lot of money. I'm not sure why - I just do. One of the things I look forward to doing with my future wealth is endowing large portions of it to causes I feel strongly about. In the past I've done a few philanthropic things and enjoyed them. However, I've never had the kind of disposable income to donate in the ways I wish I could.

One of the things I feel really passionate about are people who have been imprisoned for crimes they didn't commit. Imagine sitting for years in a prison, knowing you didn't belong there. For me it would be as bad as any torture. The hopelessness of not being able to explain why they "got the wrong guy" is unimaginable, not to mention the sort of prison life you are forced to endure in the meantime. The sense of loss, once things get straightened out and you're freed, must be beyond words - lost time with family and friends, lost opportunities to go where you want and do what you want, lost time spent walking in the woods or hearing good live music. For this reason, I think any wrongly imprisoned person should be allowed to live a life of ease and prosperity once they're out, guilt-free. I'm not sure what, if any, provisions the government and justice system makes for these individuals as far as compensation, but I'll wager it's inadequate.

I found this organization that deals with this sort of thing. If you're like me and think that these people are getting the shaft (and you've already made your millions), check them out. Or maybe you're in a position to volunteer in some way.

Free the West Memphis Three!

And now, back to more crude humor...

Thursday Thirteen...

Here's what I just listened to:

• Fernando - ABBA
• Mad Man Blues - John Lee Hooker. Uninteresting Fact: He has the same initials as small-screen saccharine strumpet, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
• I've Got To Find My Baby - Tommy Eyre
• I Know That You Know - Lionel Hampton & His Orchestra
• Can't You Hear Me Knocking - Rollng Stones
• Life I Used To Live - Lightnin' Hopkins
• She Divines Water - Camper Van Beethoven
• Stop Your Crying - Spiritualized
• That's The Way - Led Zeppelin
• Outtasite (Outta Mind) - Wilco
• Big Time Sensuality - Bjork
• Bold As Love - Jimi Hendrix Experience
• Blind Leading The Blind - Paul Butterfield

Lotsa blues today for some reason...

I'm It...Again...

This one comes courtesy of Marni. I am supposed to tell you five things you don't know about me. I'm not sure if that's possible since I've told you everything, but I'll give it a shot...

1. I wanted to be a cowboy when I was in second grade. I used to draw pictures of horses and mountains and Ford 4x4s. I wore flannel before flannel was hip. I even wore a goddamn cowboy hat to school for a little while. It was black and had a feather band (it was actually kinda cool for a cowboy hat). I don't know what happened to that dream. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I lived in suburban Chicago - not exactly a haven for cowboys.
2. I've never seen a Monty Python film. British humor just doesn't do it for me. I find them a bit too proper, even when they attempt vulgarity. Sorry. I know all my geek compatriots will be saddened and dismayed, but such is life.
3. I've had to get stitches 5 different times. I have stitches on my left knee (fell on a rusted sewer grate), my left index finger (cut it open with a serated knife helping my sister with a school project), below my lower lip (tripped when I was little and hit it on the edge of a table), on the inside of my mouth behind my upper lip (a big bike accident), and on my back (had a big-ass mole removed).
4. Dave Thomas, the now-dead founder of Wendy's, bought me lunch at a Wendy's in Grand Island, Nebraska. It was while I was on my big charity bike ride. He was making an appearance at a Wendy's, next to where we were staying. We told him about our ride and what it was for, so he popped for lunch for the entire team. This is before I gave up fast food completely because those fuckers are evil.
5. When I am sitting at my desk at work I always have two rubber bands in my left hand. For some reason I like having things in my hands (Quit it with those dirty thoughts!) Like when I go to a restaurant, I always fiddle with the straw wrapper or self-adhesive paper napkin rings. When I'm in a bar, I ALWAYS have to peel the label off my beer bottle. When I was in Greece, I noticed a bunch of men playing with "Worry beads". I bought some and proceded to annoy the shit out of my travelling companions.

I don't usually tag individuals, but I like that this one allows you to say whatever you like, so I tag: Megan, Flannery Alden (unless you already did this one and don't want to do it again), The Boob Lady, and Anne Altman (who I predict will never do it because I don't think she reads this blog and I've never seen her answer a tag.)

1983 - A Year In Pictures...

Right about now is when all the TV stations and news agencies start hauling out their "Year in Review" programs.

How lame.

It's WAY too soon to start getting nostalgic over 2006. Can't we wait a few years? How about something a little less recent. Since this is my blog and I get to do what the fuck I want, here's my retrospective of 1983:

War Games, where a young Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy taught us how to love.

10 hours a day average spent playing Wiffle Ball during the summer. Number of balls lost to the cranky next-door neighbor=289.

Lik-M-Aid to offset the fact that an eleven-year-old just can't seem to find enough sources of sugar.

Nerf football played every day after school until dinner during the winter. Average elapsed time before your new Nerf football had a big 'ol tear in it=5 minutes.

The A-Team. Has anything since had the cocksuredness of Hannibal? The sizzle of Dirk Benedict's "Faceman"? Or the captivating banter of B.A. and Murdoch? No fucking way.