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10/31/2006
F.Y.I....
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Cruel Intentions...
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Reliable sources are saying the marriage ended after Mr. Phillippe grew tired of waking up each morning to find that he had impaled himself on his wife's razor-sharp chin.
Wardrobe Staples...
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Currently I buy my polo shirts from L.L. Bean (they have no logo). I have them in white, yellow, navy, green, and teal. They are comfortable and a touch classier than a t-shirt. Before you ask, no, I don't wear them with the collar up.
10/30/2006
More Shit About Road Trips...
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All the recent talk about road trips has motivated me to start planning a new one. The one part of the U.S. I have NOT yet seen is the northeast. I've been to many major world cities, but never New York City. During this trip I hope to cross off a bunch of still unvisited states. This will leave me with only North Dakota, Oklahoma, Hawaii, and Alaska.
One day while I was bored I went through an atlas and tried to document each town that I have a memory of visiting. You'd be surprised how quickly this can be done. In order for a town to count, I had to remember something from while I was there - a place I ate at, a landmark, something. You can see my list HERE. See if I have ever visited a town near you! It's not like you have work to do.
Now I'm leaving early to go rake leaves. The weather is supposed to turn to shit after today.
One day while I was bored I went through an atlas and tried to document each town that I have a memory of visiting. You'd be surprised how quickly this can be done. In order for a town to count, I had to remember something from while I was there - a place I ate at, a landmark, something. You can see my list HERE. See if I have ever visited a town near you! It's not like you have work to do.
Now I'm leaving early to go rake leaves. The weather is supposed to turn to shit after today.
Ellipses...
For some reason, ever since I started blogging, I've always ended my post titles with an ellipsis. I'm not sure why. I mean, it's not like I think those ellipses are going to inspire added intrigue to the post that follows. I'm sure you don't read the title and say, "Well, I wasn't going to read this, but there's a goddamn ellipsis. Guess I'd better check it out."
Perhaps it's best not to question shit like this...
Perhaps it's best not to question shit like this...
Drubbing...
These guys are a pleasure to watch.
Earlier in the season I was having a discussion about the Bears with Geoff, a friend of mine. He listens to a lot of Chicago sports talk radio. We share the same complaint about many Bear fans. They seem to cling to the memories of the '85 Bears. You know, the "Super Bowl Shuffle" Bears. Don't get me wrong, that was a great season and a super-fun team to watch. I was in eighth grade and I loved every minute of it, but...
I don't want to settle for a Super Bowl win over 20 years ago. I mean, if the Bears go all the way this season, do you mean to tell me we won't be as proud of the accomplishment as the last one? Bullshit! Did any of the Bulls six titles diminish the joy of any of the others? No.
I guess I can understand Chicago fans tendency to wax nostalgic about past victories because we have no idea when the next one will be (especially us Cub fans). I just hope this season's team puts to rest some of the glorifying of the '85 Bears.
I don't want to settle for a Super Bowl win over 20 years ago. I mean, if the Bears go all the way this season, do you mean to tell me we won't be as proud of the accomplishment as the last one? Bullshit! Did any of the Bulls six titles diminish the joy of any of the others? No.
I guess I can understand Chicago fans tendency to wax nostalgic about past victories because we have no idea when the next one will be (especially us Cub fans). I just hope this season's team puts to rest some of the glorifying of the '85 Bears.
10/27/2006
Vomitus...
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I do not vomit much at all and perhaps only slightly more that the Jerry character on the popular sitcom, "Seinfeld". The last time I remember puking was after a wedding reception in Chicago. It was one of those affairs where the bride and groom had had a small wedding a few weeks prior and this was just a chance for the rest of us to celebrate. The open bar we had been enjoying eventually ran out (or ran us out, as the case may be). We were all dressed up, so we decided to cab it over to the Drake Hotel, a swank joint off Michigan Ave., for a cocktail. As we got out of the cab at the hotel, I knew there were going to be problems. I threw up just a tiny bit on the doorman's shoe as he opened our cab door for us. Surprisingly, he was unphased.
Inside, there is a sort of piano bar area. As my less drunk friends went off and crashed a wedding that was going on, a few of us sat and had a drink. By this point I had switched to drinking Tonic Water. All of a sudden, I felt the chunks start to rise and grabbed the closest container I could find, which happened to be a half-full water pitcher. The first wave filled that handily and the second wave had nowhere else to go but all over the table. Again, surprisingly few people had noticed what I had done. Maybe they just never expected to see such a display at a place like the Drake. My friend, Dave, a bartender himself, inconspicuously ushered over a waiter, gave him a big tip, and asked him to bring over some bar towels. In the meantime, I got my ass down to a toilet and unleashed the remaining torrent. They never even kicked us out, including my other friends who got busted for crashing the wedding. Love the Drake!
Another Bright Idea...
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That's where bacon comes in.
That's right. Bacon-flavored cigarettes. Are you kidding me? This one is a no-brainer!
In fact, why stop there? The tentative name for my product line is:
"Uncle Ed's Olde Tyme Breakfast Cigarettes"
Available in these exciting flavors:
- Bacon
- Sausage
- Waffles with Maple Syrup
- Coffee
- Grapefruit Juice
*Edited to add: I have been derelict in my blog-fairy duties. Today's target definitely does NOT like the Blackhawks...
10/26/2006
Annoyingly Happy...
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On top of all this, I finally dislodged this fucking popcorn shell that has been dogging me for a couple days. How much better can things get?
10/25/2006
Why Do You Hate Freedom?...
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I lowered prices, so now you have no excuse...
Buy 'em HERE. You will be THE coolest, most patriotic person on your block, guaranteed!
Fox News Roll Call: Sean Hannity...
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Until he opens his mouth.
And then he starts to talk.
And that's when the poo comes out.
It's kind of like that Play-Doh toy some of you might remember where you put the Play-Doh in the back and push down to do extrusions of different shapes, like a star or spaghetti. The poo comes out of his mouth much the same way - in a continuous rope that coils in front of him on his desk as Colmes timidly looks on.
Ironic that his name rhymes with sanity...
10/24/2006
Pushing The Limits Of Sarcasm (And Good Taste)...
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*Edited to add: Please re-read the title of the post before sending me hate mail.
**Edited again to add: You thought I forgot about my duties as blog-fairy. My only clue for today is: Rapid Eye Movement.
The Ultimate Road Trip...
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I don't know about you, but I love a good road trip. On the map above are two trips I made. The blue one was by bicycle (2 months), the red one was by van (5 months). It has come to my attention that a fellow blogger, Megan, has done an insufficient amount of domestic travel. It is up to us to put together a kick-ass road trip itinerary for her. What I'd like to do is compile a list of potential "can't miss" attractions around our great nation so that she can decide what she'd most like to see. These can be serious or goofy (let me guess where most of you will go with this).
I'll start things off with the quintessential road trip stop. It is legendary. You guessed it. The Biggest Ball of Twine. I'll let her decide if she'd rather see the one in Darwin, Minnesota or the one in Cawker City, Kansas. See this Wikipedia entry for the distinction.
As far as a serious option, I thought the Olympic peninsula in Washington state was pretty beautiful. It's home to some beautiful coastline, mountains, and three temperate rainforests.
OK, now where else should she go?
10/23/2006
The Next Big Thing...
Often the best ideas are right in front of us. The secret is to find two things that people love and unite them in some palatable way. You know, like "Whistle Pops" and "Beer Bongs". Here's mine:
Chewing gum is as American as apple pie and tractor pulls. It evokes memories of childhood. It is currently banned in most classrooms, but shouldn't be.
Bacon is one of the most popular foods in America. It's hickory aroma never fails to bring a smile to people's faces (unless they're one of those wacky vegetarians).
Put these two beloved items together and you get "Ba-gum" (pronounced "bay-gum"), bacon-flavored chewing gum! It can't miss!
I am going to be a fucking millionaire!
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Put these two beloved items together and you get "Ba-gum" (pronounced "bay-gum"), bacon-flavored chewing gum! It can't miss!
I am going to be a fucking millionaire!
Bestowing Honors...
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10/22/2006
Trying To Be An Informed Consumer...
I am in the market for a new melon baller. When buying a melon baller, a lot of factors must be taken into consideration: construction, material, weight, versatility (can it make two different sized balls), cost, and aesthetics.
Here are some of my options:
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This one is offered at TheKitchenDrawer.com. At $1.49, it is reasonably priced. I'm not crazy about the color and it looks a bit flimsy. However, for a double-baller, the price can't be beat.
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This one by KitchenAid retails for $7.49. As you can see, it is a single-baller. It is streamlined and sturdy, but I don't like the KitchenAid name on the handle. Why should I be forced to do their advertising for them?
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This is the Gel-Grip Melon Baller by KitchenArt (not to be confused with KitchenAid). This is the Rolls-Royce of ballers at $10.80. Again, it's a single-baller, but that Gel-Grip handle could prove a lifesaver, given all the balling I do.
This is a major purchase, so any guidance in this matter from people that do a lot of balling would be appreciated.
Here are some of my options:
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This one is offered at TheKitchenDrawer.com. At $1.49, it is reasonably priced. I'm not crazy about the color and it looks a bit flimsy. However, for a double-baller, the price can't be beat.
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This one by KitchenAid retails for $7.49. As you can see, it is a single-baller. It is streamlined and sturdy, but I don't like the KitchenAid name on the handle. Why should I be forced to do their advertising for them?
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This is the Gel-Grip Melon Baller by KitchenArt (not to be confused with KitchenAid). This is the Rolls-Royce of ballers at $10.80. Again, it's a single-baller, but that Gel-Grip handle could prove a lifesaver, given all the balling I do.
This is a major purchase, so any guidance in this matter from people that do a lot of balling would be appreciated.
10/20/2006
Sanity Check #1...
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My question is for pet owners. Do you ever find yourself speaking complete nonsense to your pets? I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill babytalk. I'm talking about straight-up, non-word jibberish. Sometimes I'll catch myself doing it and then, moments later, wonder what the fuck I just said and where it came from.
There may be more queries like this from time to time, so stay tuned...
10/19/2006
Some Truth About The Third World...
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There were no power tools or cement mixers, so everything had to be done manually. The most labor intensive stuff involved hauling the block to where it was needed and mixing the mortar. Mixing mortar was backbreaking stuff. You'd get so many wheelbarrows full of sand, combine it with the right amount of cement, add water, then mix it on the ground with shovels. The woman pictured above, Wilhemena Silesi, was working each morning when we got there and was still going when we'd leave each day. Her husband, George, worked at a gas station during the day. As you can tell by her picture, she was about 5'-3", 100lbs. She worked circles around all of us. A common misperception is that impoverished people tend to be lazy. This, my friends, is bullshit. We looked like utter wimps compared to the Africans. The other thing that became clear is that they all took great pride in their property, no matter how meager. Some would buy a few pieces of sod and manicure them like they were the 18th green at Augusta.
One of the most poignant moments for me was towards the beginning when the exterior walls were just starting to take shape. The son, Moses, came home from school to see the progress. He had a smile a mile wide and pointed out exactly where his bedroom would be. Their previous home had just one room where the entire family slept. When I went back the second time, I stopped by to see what the home looked like all finished with furniture. It was amazing. They had stuccoed and painted the outside and even planted flowers and a small vegetable garden.
I have a few pics of the second trip on my website HERE which includes some of the sight-seeing and safari stuff we did after the work was done.
I almost forgot, the blog-fairy's target for today campaigned for their family to give charitable donations in lieu of exchanging Christmas gifts. Pretty fucking noble, I must say.
I Don't Usually Do This...
So much for my efforts to avoid politics. I had to post this so that people can see that there ARE people in the media willing to call the president on his bullshit. Enjoy! (There is a written transcript for those with a slow connection). HERE
Conveyance...
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-I'd much rather paddle a kayak than ride in a powerboat. Even with all the lakes around me, I have never ridden a waverunner, believe it or not. When I lived on the lake I'd come home from work and paddle the mile across to the other side. On the way back I'd stop in the middle and just sit and watch the sun dance on the waves. It is very meditative. Being so close to the water is a cool sensation.
-I'd much rather ski than ride a snowmobile. On the ski patrol, I'm required to do both. Snowmobiles are loud. They ruin the serenity of a quiet, snowy day.
-I'd much rather ride a bike than a motorcycle. Again, they're loud and there's no sense of accomplishment when you get to the top of a big hill.
-Although I haven't tried it yet, hang-gliding looks like something I would really enjoy.
Of course, this is just my opinion. If you had the choice, what form of conveyance would you choose?
10/18/2006
Bear With Me, Ladies...
I know you get tired of my football posts, but you don't need to know anything about football for this one. I wanted to start a list of great Chicago Bear names throughout history. This has nothing to do with their playing ability, just how tough their name sounds. Here's mine. Frank, Phil, Grant, feel free to add to this.
- Brian Baschnagel, WR, 76-84
- Cap Boso, TE, 87-91 (Note: Not really tough-sounding, but a drunken Mike Ditka loved it.)
- Dick Butkus, LB, 67-73
- Paul Engebretsen, G, 32
- Jim Grabowski, RB, 71
- Mirko Jurkovic, G, 92
- Olin Kreutz, C, 98-P (sounds sort of third-reich-ish)
- Jerry Muckensturm, LB, 76-82
- Bronko Nagurski, FB, 30-37, 43 (My personal fave.)
- Paul Podmajursky, G, 44
- Bill Steinkemper, T, 42-43
- Michael Stonebreaker, LB, 91
- Pete VanValkenburg, RB, 74
- John Wojciechowski, T, 87-93
Why Do I Blog?...
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I thought it would be fun.
This is the primary criterion for any new activity I decide to try. Other reasons I might have include:
I think something will be interesting.
I think something will be exciting.
I think something will help someone out.
I think something will be challenging.
I didn't expect anyone to be interested in what I wrote. I'm glad they are, though. After all, I think everyone wants to feel interesting to other people, even if their day-to-day life is fairly mundane. I'm sure other people keep their blogs for hundreds of different reasons. Why did you start yours?
-Todays "blog-fairy" target likes grilled cheese and Seinfeld. And for those of you that are wondering, no, I'm not going to give more hints or even reveal who I'm talking about. That makes it more fun!
10/17/2006
I'm Politically Spent...
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I noticed I haven't had a political post in a while. For those of you who come here for my political rants, I'm sorry. I don't have it in me. It's always the same. Republican spouts insane talking point. Democrat counters with another talking point. Republican questions Democrat's patriotism. Democrat asks where the WMDs are. And on and on and on.
I've watched a few of these "Meet The Press" senate debates. They all blend together. Same questions, same answers, no matter which state they're from. Do any of these fucks have an original thought? Do any of them have the courage to stray from the party line and actually say what they really feel? Sadly, the answer seems to be no. I hate to break it to you. If anyone has evidence to the contrary, I'd love to hear it. This is a case where I'd love to be proven wrong. Don't worry. I'm still going to vote and shit, but my well of disdain has run dry.
At least for today.
Something You May Have Missed...
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A Renewed Plea...
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- If made, my film would make more money than Fahrenheit 911, Supersize Me, and March Of The Penguins combined.
- It would cost next to nothing to make.
- It would shock the shit out of people, most of whom would never imagine a film like mine would ever be made.
- It wouldn't contain any graphic violence.
- It would be a hopeful movie.
- It would be unprecedented.
Bear's Update, 10-17-06...
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Talk about winning ugly...
Edited: I fucked up the clue for the "blog-fairy" target. The first one goes to a long-time reader, a fan of beer (yeah, THAT helps!), and could very well be skilled with a twenty-sided die. It's not Frank.
10/16/2006
I'm A Copycat...
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- Jimmy Smith - Organ Grinder Swing
- Phil Ochs - That's What I Want To Hear
- Cab Calloway - Reefer Man
- Tito Puente - Cao Cao Mani Picao
- Body Count - Body Count
- They Might Be Giants - O, Do Not Forsake Me
- James Mathus & His Knock-Down Society - Rock Of Ages
- Edith Piaf - Hymne A L'Amour
- Lionel Hampton & Oscar Peterson - Indiana
- Howlin' Wolf - How Many More Years
Something New I'm Gonna Do...
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Remember back when you first started your blog? Hardly anyone visited. The only people to leave comments were a few friends who took pity on you. It was kind of like being the new kid at school. Slowly, over time, you got up the nerve to venture out, find people you shared stuff in common with, and coax them over to see what you had to offer. In my case, I was unknown until Grant offered me some time to promote myself on his unbelievably popular site.
The thing is, I feel bad for those early posts - the ones where you really tried because you knew a good first impression was essential. It's a shame for them to go unnoticed.
So, each day I am going to go deep into one of my blog-pal's archives and leave a comment somewhere, sort of like the tooth fairy. I'm not going to say which post it is, but I'll leave hints as to who I'm targeting. It's up to you to find them. Isn't this going to be fun?! Hey, stop yawning!
More Movie Shit...
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Anomaly #2...
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BUT
I don't eat apple sauce, apple pie, apple butter, apple crisp, or Apple Jacks (TM).
I rarely drink apple juice or cider.
I don't own an Apple computer.
I don't listen to Fiona Apple.
I have never been to the Big Apple.
And I think you know my feelings on Gwyneth's baby-naming tendencies.
*Edited to add: Chicago was fun. My niece is cute as ever. I ended up getting her the Fisher Price Farm, a toy that I had as a little kid. It's different from mine, but it made sounds and seemed to hold her interest for more than a few minutes. I consider that a success.
10/12/2006
Before I Go...
Books That Are Currently On My Coffee Table...
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A great book with photos and thumbnail plans of cool, custom cabins. Each of them are faily small, just the way cabins should be.
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I took a rustic furniture class taught by Dan Mack, the author. He does a good job of showcasing both his and other funiture-makers work.
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Every once in a while I like to know how to say a word in Spanish.
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Trout - An Illustrated History
A neat book of trout paintings (watercolor) with interesting information on each.
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I've mentioned Andy Goldsworthy before. He's the guy who does environmental art. Amazing stuff.
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