Another Tag...

This one is courtesy of Big Orange. At least I THINK he was talking about me. And away we go!

1. Would you bungee jump? Probably. I jumped out of an airplane once and loved it, however, I think I'd be a lot more freaked out bungee jumping. But yeah, I'd do it.

2. If You Could Do Anything In The World For A Living What Would It Be? I would be a jazz musician, either a pianist or a trumpet player.

3. Your favorite fictional animal? I hate leaving answers blank because it seems like my wit has failed me, but I honestly can't think of anything.

4. One person that never fails to make you laugh? This is tough because I have a very sophisticated sense of humor. Even guys like Carlin & Hicks fail on rare occasions. Seth MacFarlane comes close. He created "Family Guy" and I know that I've gut-laughed at least once during each episode. The same could be said for Dave Chappelle I suppose.

5. When you were twelve years old, what did you want to be when you grew up? Ugh, boring. I wanted to be an architect. I think I knew I wanted to be one around third grade. What a lame-ass.

6. What is the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? My blog readers know the answer to this all too well. I achieve total dumposity.

7. Have you ever gone to therapy? No. Should I?

8. If you could have one super power what would it be? Too easy. Flight. Without any question.

8. Your favorite cartoon character? Harder. It's between Cartman, Peter Griffin, Homer, and the old Daffy Duck, when he was crazy, not mean.

9. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? I do, but that doesn't mean I'm opposed to it.

10. Do you go to church? I go at Christmas to make my mom happy. I'll have a post next week that will address this in depth.

11. What is your best childhood memory? At the time, it was probably winning my Little League baseball championship. Looking back, it was just the whole thing - where I grew up, the freedom my parents allowed, and the friends I had (and, in some cases, still have).

12. Do you own a gun? Yes, but is an antique and I have never fired it and never will.

13. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? No

14. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Not by myself.

15. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? The face followed closely by the boobies.

16. What is your biggest mistake? Not taking more chances, pre-college.

17. Say something totally random about yourself. I had a jello-wrestling party at my house senior year of high school, while my family was out of town. Come to think of it, that was the first big chance I took and paved the way for more risk-taking later on.

18. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Not for a long time. When I was younger, people told me I looked like Ricky Schroeder from "Silver Spoons".

19. What is the most romantic thing someone of the opposite sex has done for you? Fuck. I don't know. Offered me some change at a tollbooth?

20. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? I do because I'm a nosy fuck.

Waterboarding...

This is an example of a waterboard.

This is an illustration of how it is used.

I don't see what all the fuss is about. I'm thinking about building one of these bad boys for myself. It kind of reminds me of our old Slip 'N Slide, except, you know, without the slipping and sliding. Actually, it seems better. The Slip 'N Slide used to always give me bruised ribs.

Fun Facts: Star Trek And Milk...

-I have never, in my life, watched an episode of Star Trek in any of its incarnations, nor have I seen any of the movies. This came up at the bachelor party over the weekend and made some of my friends very upset.

-I don't put milk on cereal. I eat it dry. So do other members of my extended family. Oddly, this also makes people very upset when they hear it.

Guess What?...

Chicken Butt!

Skiing...

This weekend is our annual National Ski Patrol first aid refresher/chairlift evacuation drill/CPR recertification. It's always the last weekend of September. This is usually when my thoughts turn to the white stuff and the anticipation of another ski season.

Skiing is by far my favorite sport. I've been doing it since I was five. I learned in the midwest, but have spent time skiing in Colorado, Utah, and the Swiss Alps. Above all, I love the speed. I love to go "scary-fast". I also love the movement involved. It's the closest I'll ever come to being graceful. The downside I've found to patrolling is that people mistakenly think we are "ski cops" when really our primary role is to help the injured and be ambassadors for our area. Before you ask, yes, I've tried snowboarding, but I couldn't get into it. Unlike many skiers, I hold no ill will towards snowboarders.

The bitch of skiing for most people is the learning curve. If you don't learn when you're small, be prepared for a bit of pain on your first dozen outings. Once you get the hang of it, though, and your confidence is high, it can be one of the greatest sensations you'll have.

Fall...

I love fall.

I love a crisp fall day where it's too cold to be out without a sweater, but there is still a little bit of warmth left from the sun. I love the distant smell of burning leaves and firewood. I love that the summer hordes are in decline.

I'm lucky to live in one of those places that people travel to to wonder at the majesty of fall's grandeur. You can always tell fall is in full swing by the busses full of bluehairs dividing their time between leaf-gazing and Indian Casino-hopping. I'll try and get some more pics as we get closer to what is known as "peak colors".

Yeah, fall is definitely one of my four favorite seasons.

A Survey...

From a blogging standpoint, this is probably incredibly hacky and perhaps a bit lame, but I seldom have the captive female audience that I do here. The reasons for why I want to know may or may not be revealed in the future. My male readers are welcome to reply as well.

What I'm wondering is who you consider the top five most physically attractive female celebrities alive today. Nevermind if they are a raging bitch or they name their children after fruit. This is strictly based on appearance.

I don't know if it's inappropriate to ask this of women. You do seem much more at ease about this kind thing than men. I know I wouldn't respond to a similar question about male celebrities, but that's because, as a rule, I find the male form repugnant. In fact, I think men should wear full body burqas at all times.

FYI: The pictured celebrity is Jordana Brewster. She's been in a few minor movies. I think she is smoking hot and would probably make my list. For the sake of getting the ball rolling, my other four would be Charlize Theron, Halle Berry, Jennifer Connelly and (don't hate me) Jennifer Aniston. I know a lot of people don't like her, but I find her super-sexy for some reason.

Exploiting Babies For The Sake Of Funny...

This is the kind of shit my parents put me through as an infant. I can just hear them. "Quick, get the camera and I'll put the bird on his head! It'll be hilarious! OK, now what? How about the plunger? Yeah, good one!"

The Case Of The Phantom Turd...

While in Minneapolis, I had something strange occur. I'm sitting on the toilet, reading the paper. I do my business and wipe up. I look down in the bowl prior to flushing and there is no turd. Where the hell did it go? I knew something came out. I felt it. I stoop down to see if it's hiding towards the back. Not a trace. Now, as an architect, I'm somewhat familiar with the anatomy of a toilet. I know that poop would have had to swim uphill in order to be out of my view. Has this ever happened to anyone? Maybe toilets in Minnesota have some chemical in them that eradicates poop on contact.

Documentary Film Of The Day - Microcosmos...

I haven't done one of these in a while, so here goes. For those of you that liked movies like "Baraka" and "Winged Migration", "Microcosmos" should be right up your alley. It is all about the insect world. I can't recall if there is any narration, but if there is, it's minimal. The photography is phenomenal with extreme close-ups and time lapse. Some of it left me wondering how the fuck they ever captured it on film. It is fluid and is divided into various themes (hunting, building, fucking, etc.). If you're into National Geographic or the Discovery Channel, you'll like this film. In fact, describing it has inspired me to add it to my Netflix list for the second time. Good shit.

Clinton Vs. Fox...

Video HERE in case you missed it.

I know I'm behind on this, but I wanted to comment. I caught part of this while I was in Minneapolis and was caught off guard. First, I'm not a big Bill Clinton fan. Sure, he's a far cry from Dubya, but he's a politician and is therefore subject to skepticism. Plus, even though I think the whole Monica thing was irrelevant and a big distraction from more important things, it doesn't change the fact that he was STUPID for thinking that he could get away with it in this day and age. It could have all been avoided if he would have just settled for jerking off until he was out of office.

It was very refreshing to see someone, especially an ex-president, stand up to these guys and show a little spine. However, if people think that this will be some sort of watershed moment, I have my doubts. I think it will ultimately prove to be a win-win for both sides. For the Fox Fux, they will get to crow incessantly that Clinton became unhinged and that he's protesting too much (already happening). To them, this surely means he's guilty. The democratic opposition will get some fire in their bellies after seeing that it's alright to stand up to our idiot media. Finally they'll get to feel like their side isn't made up of a bunch of equivocating milquetoasts. Let's hope they don't relent.

In the meantime, the rest of us can sit back and laugh at the shenanigans and gamesmanship and continue to pray for the day when our world figures out we should try electing non-religious people for a change.

Bachelor Party Synopsis...

Thanks for your patience, gentle reader. Sorry to keep you waiting with more goodies. After this weekend I have tons of blog ideas I'll be cultivating, but it's a case of overload right now. I have to get organized.

We had a nice group of about 20+ guys. A bunch of us drove up after meeting at our friend's restaurant in Chicago. We agreed to meet up about halfway in Tomah, WI. This is a sleepy town with more bars per capita than any one I've ever seen. Even better, each one was a dive - just our speed. After loading up on Pabst and fried cheese curds, we continued on.

We rolled in, only to be dismayed at the fact we had not stocked up on beer/liquor prior to arriving. Turns out Minnesota stops selling alcohol at 10:00 PM. I find states that have alcohol-buying ideosynchrasies annoying. Undeterred, we checked into our hotel and found a nearby bar where we quickly made friends with the locals. I should take a second to explain that most of my friends find strippers/strip clubs a bit of a waste. The idea of paying a beautiful woman to dance all over you, all the while knowing you will NOT have sex with her, seems counterproductive.

The next day for me was great. I had my first beer around 10:00 AM. We got a look at greater Minneapolis which is very pretty and the weather was nice. I was able to maintain a steady drunkenness until 4:00 the following morning without fucking my body up too much. It was a very mellow time and my friends are all up for pushing the limits of good taste which results in lots of laughs. No one was arrested or injured in any bar fights. Some would consider this a failure as far as bachelor parties go, but I had a ball. The rest of my friends tailgated, then went to the Bear game. Looking back, I wish I would have gone. Regardless, it was a great time. Thanks, fellas!

I'm Back (Sort Of)...

Greetings! This is my first ever post from a remote location, so I feel a little off-kilter. I'm at my mom's en route back to Michigan. The bachelor party was a lot of fun and I should be back to my old blogging self tomorrow. One question for the day to keep you busy until I'm back in full force - why is making one's bed so important to some people? It's never made any fucking sense to me. I get up. My blankets are strewn this way and that. What the crap does it matter if, during the day while I'm gone, my bed looks messy? No one will see it. Doesn't it seem unnecessary to spend time tightly tucking in sheets and such just to have to untuck them later? I'm just asking...

Oh, and go Bears!

Those Fox Fucks Are At It Again...

Every now and then I check the Fox News website. I know, I know, they're evil. I like to see what they're cooking up. At 2:00 Wed., 9/20/06, the top headline read "Chavez: U.S. Empire 'Will be finished in near future'. Venezuelan boss calls President Bush 'the devil'" accompanied by the picture above. Notice the book he's holding. It's "Hegemony or Survival: America's Quest for Global Dominance", by Noam Chomsky. I have read Chomsky and seen him in interviews and debates. He's a smart cookie. This is the only time you're going to see Chomsky's name on Fox News. God knows they'd never interview him. He'd rip them apart. Fox knows what they're doing here. They didn't have to use a picture of him holding this book. They're saying to their idiot audience, "Hey, look, this madman is reading Chomsky. You don't want to read the same things as him, do you? He called our president 'the devil'." Man, I sure do love the anti-intellectualism in this country. Fuck.

Smelt...

At some point during high school my friends came under the impression that I was obsessed with smelt. We were (and are) strange people so it didn't strike me as unusual at the time. They would kid me about it. I have no idea why. It is a mystery just like how I got my nickname. To this day I have never fished for smelt, eaten smelt, or seen a smelt in person. I don't even say, "Whoever smelt it, dealt it." I decided not to fight this weird label and instead embraced it. I pretended that smelt were the greatest creatures on the planet. In my creative writing class I even did a series of smelt poetry. I can only remember one:

Oh little smelt
You swim so sweetly
Little do you know
You will soon be meatly

Am I the next Emily Dickinson or what?

Feeling Minnesota...

I'll be in Minneapolis this weekend for a bachelor party. I haven't been there in a while. Does anybody know if there is anything to do besides going to see the giant spoon?

Last time I was there we hung out at a great dive bar called "Liquor Lyle's". They had like six happy hours throughout the day. During happy hour you'd get two drinks for the price of one and tons of free appetizers. Unfortunately I've read that the new owners hipped it up and it lost much of its appeal.

By the way, don't even think of recommending the "Mall Of America" to me.

Rummy Rumsfield...

Dude, it's time for a break, don't you think? Aren't you tired? Aren't you sick of everyone asking questions and giving you a hard time? You're looking haggard and the liver spots are increasing exponentially.

Is it the money? Can't be. I think it's fairly safe to assume your kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids won't have to lift a finger in their lives if they don't want to, thanks to your corporate past and the money you're sure to have invested in military contractors. Now, I can't promise anything in terms of great-great-grandkids, but you'll be long dead before they're born, so fuck them, right?

Is it the power? I mean, shit, haven't you gotten all your old PNAC wet dreams out of your system yet? I know Iran is still out there, but why don't you let someone else take the heat for that eventual calamity. There is a shuffleboard court in Boca with your name on it, champ.

Maybe it's the sex. I remember back in 2002 you made the People Magazine list of sexiest men. If you have indeed been reaping the benefits of that label, isn't your little whisker-dick about ready to fall off by now? Shit, if you're considered a sex-symbol, it's no wonder I never get laid.

As much as we'd all miss your scowl and bitterness, if you're ready to retire, no one will stand in your way. If they do, just knock them down, spit on them and laugh. Like old times...

**Edited to add: I know I misspelled his last name in the title. For some reason I think the "i" adds a bit of whimsy to his name.

Chicago Car Salesmen Of Yore...

OK, this post is not going to make any sense to those of you who didn't either grow up around Chicago or watch a considerable amount of WGN on cable in the late 70s/early 80s. I don't know why I'm choosing to make this list, but just let me get it out of my system. I promise I'll soon be back to castigating politicians and teasing uppity famous people.

These are the ones I could remember:

• Long Chevrolet - commercials had the Long's son as a newsboy who always got a pie in the face.
• Celozzi-Ettleson Chevrolet - Nick & Maury holding bills saying "Where you always save more money!". At one time they had the #1 Chevy dealer in the country. Hard to find, tough to beat.
  
• Al Piemonte Ford - Famous for the patented Al Piemonte "karate chop"-arm motion in his commercials.
• Fencl-Tufo Chevy - Get a "Monster of a deal". Had moster puppets in their commercials.
  
• Bob Rohrman - The "King of the Car Dealers" with a roaring lion in his commercials.
• Harry Schmerler - Your "Singing Ford Dealer". Sang "Rock-a-bye your baby."
• Dan O'Connor - O'Connor Can.

Who did I miss? By the way, here's a few more blasts from the past: Nelson Brothers furniture (Nelson Brothers loves me and they'll love you, too), Aronson Furniture (Home of the credit connection), Old Chicago Amusement Park, Dispensa's Kiddie Kingdom, Magikist...

Nostalgia...

As a few of my recent posts indicate, I'm feeling nostalgic. I've noticed a lot of bloggers get this way from time to time. There are tons of posts out there along the lines of "Do you remember...?" Even though it smacks of one of those "I Love The Seventies/Eighties/Nineties/Five Minutes Ago" shows, it's still fun and a quick and easy way to establish common ground. Besides, what's more fun than making lists? Here is a list of some toys I can remember playing with as a kid:

• Space Legos - These were the only kinds of Legos I liked.
• Lincoln Logs
• Criss Cross Crash - A figure-8 Hot Wheels racetrack that maximized collisions.
• Capsela - major league dork toy.
• Star Wars action figures and vehicles - I only had the X-Wing and Landspeeder. Thanks, Mom & Dad.
• Bristle Blocks
• Shrinky-Dinks - Those thinks you colored and put in the oven - because every kid likes to shrink things.
• Colorforms - those re-stickable things that you used to create some sort of scene. I think ours was a "Happy Days" scene. You could put Al & Ralph Malph into numerous compromising positions.
• Rocket Hockey
• Merlin
• Air Jammer Road Rammer - a car that you pumped up with a mini bike pump to make it go.
• The Fisher Price farm and village
• Weebles. I had a Weebles pirate ship.
• That foam shit that you used in the bathtub. It came in cans that looked like superheroes.
• Lite-Brite
• Whitewings paper airplanes. They were a bitch to make, but they flew like crazy.
  

I never had G.I. Joe toys, a Sit & Spin, or those inflatable bouncy-ball things you could ride.

A New Spoken Word Album...

Nothing gets me quite as excited as the prospect of hearing a young starlet speaking in public. Their mastery of the english language is so extraordinary that I have to stop what I'm doing and listen. I'm talking about your Hiltons, Lohans, Duffs, Spears, et al - the "cuntivas" (part cunt, part diva) as I like to call them. You know how Shatner did those genius spoken-word albums of pop standards? Well, imagine if these girls did something similar. Let's take a song like "Waving My Dick In The Wind" by Ween and see what it might sound like (original lyrics HERE).

I'm, like, waving my dick in, like, the wind, y'know, waving like my dick in the wind
If it all, like, goes right, I'll be, like, in your arms tonight, y'know
But I'm like, totally waving my, like, dick in the wind

I'm totally, like, lost in the sauce once again, like, I'm lost in, like, the sauce once again
If I, like, make it through, y'know, like, the night, everything will, like totally be alright
But I'm, like, totally lost in the sauce once again, y'know

It's been, y'know, like 97 days since I've, like, totally laid my head beside you
And like a million miles of, like, highway in between, y'know
There's some, like, red and blue lights that are, like, totally shinin' right behind me
And that pig's a like totally mean bastard

You should have, like, seen old Jimmy Wilson totally dance
You should have totally, like, seen old Jimmy Wilson dance, y'know
Give that boy like a dime and you could, like, totally have a chance
To see old Jimmy Wilson dance, y'know

Dance Jimmy
I'm, like, totally doin' the best I can there, Deaner
That's it
You know I can't, like, really dance like I used to, y'know, I mean I, like, try,
But I'm, like, a totally old, old man now

I've totally got, like, a real good feelin bout' old Jimmy Wilson, y'know
Sho' nuff' he's, like, totally got what it takes
Do, like, another number for me please won't ya Jimmy
Cause you're, like, a totally good dancer

Ooh yeah, like, help me now

I'm, like, waving my, like, dick in the wind, waving my dick in, like, the wind
If it, like, totally goes right, I'll totally be, like, in your arms tonight
But I'm, like, waving my dick in the wind, y'know
Waving, like, my dick in the wind
Waving my dick in the wind, y'know

A Michigan Geography Primer...

Michigan is a fucked up state. It actually looks like two states which can lead to confusion. I tell people I'm from Northern Michigan. Usually they think I mean the Upper Pennisula. After all, it's the furthest north. We Michiganders (seriously what we're called) tend to separate the Upper Peninsula (or "U.P.") geographically from the rest of the state, or Lower Peninsula. The U.P., which at one time wanted to be its own state called "Superior", is heavily populated with Finnish people who love saunas, ice fishing, and snowmobiling. We in Northern Lower Michigan are a bit more cultured. We love saunas, ice fishing, and snowmobiling, but we eat wine and cheese after each. A handy way to understand where I live is to put your left hand face down. I'm right around your ring finger's fingernail.

Running Bases...

When I was younger we used to play a game on my block called "Running Bases". In retrospect, it was a pretty stupid game, but I remember playing it a lot. The rules were simple. There were two bases. Two people would throw a ball (usually a tennis or whiffle ball, but occassionally a baseball) back and forth while the other kids would try and run between the bases without being tagged. The ballsier kids would try and run back and forth as much as possible. The lamer kids would wait until there was a bad throw and then run. There was always some nerd who would camp out on one of the bases with their arms crossed and when the "thrower" at his base would throw, he'd take his foot off the base and then quickly put it back when the ball was thrown back. There wasn't any real point to the game other than to expend energy. My question is whether this was a game we only played in my neighborhood (Frank, Phil, and Grant-did you guys play this?). Do people outside of the midwest remember playing a game like this or am I just adding to the mounting list of evidence that midwesterners are hayseeds?

For The Record...

Henceforth, I shall cease to refer to you as "Chachi" and instead refer to you as "Bob Loblaw", one of the greatest television names ever invented.

I just finished working my way through the DVDs of this series. Like "The Sopranos", I didn't watch it in its original run. To those of you who loved this show, I'm sorry. I was wrong.

Man, a Zmed post AND a Baio post in the same day. Creepy...

Obscure Punctuation...

This is an Interrobang. I had no idea such a thing existed. I think this bad boy should be standard on every keyboard. Does it have a cool fucking name or what (note: I would end this sentence with an interrobang if I could.)

Zmed Is In The Fucking House!...

Mr. Zmed is performing at the Mackinaw Theater. Just knowing Adrian is nearby makes me sleep a little easier at night. Who ever said Northern Michigan isn't a cultural Mecca?

Heartfelt Thanks To The Ladies...

One of the things I've come to like about this blogging business is the unpredictability of it. I just never know what will hit and what will miss. Like, I thought the Brooke Shields nose-probe photos would garner a greater response. On the other hand, I had no idea my first "Perfect Day" post would be met with such adulation, despite the charges of ulterior motives from one reader (*cough*Vikki). If you ladies had any idea what a jamoke I am (Frank, back me up) when it comes to wooing women, you'd understand what an ego boost you gave me with your comments. I've heard some men referred to as "players". I represent their polar opposite. Thanks to you all, I've finally worked up the nerve to ask out this woman I've seen around town. She works at the sewage treatment plant in Boyne City. Here's a picture for all you busybodies. Keep your finger's crossed for me! This could be the one!

**Edited to add: If there is a hell, surely I am bound for it.

Friendly Competition...

There aren't too many things that get my competitive juices flowing. The board game Sorry! is one of them. I rarely play it, but when I do, look out. Usually it gets dragged out during the holidays at my house. It seems benign enough - pick cards and move your pieces around the board until they are all in your "goal". However, the creators knew the hook to this game would be the ability to fuck with the other players. The other facet is that you are often forced to decide which opponent to screw over. Sometimes it can be strategic, other times it can be based purely on revenge. I also like that the games aren't necessarily over quickly. That way, any deep-seeded resentment that has been buried for years between opponents has a chance to bubble to the surface and be confronted openly. It can be very cathartic.

Birthday Wishes...

Today is my buddy Guido's birthday. Contrary to popular opinion, he is NOT a killer pimp. Happy birthday, pal!

Sea Urchins...

My junior year of college I studied in Versailles, France. I was very lucky and my trip was partially funded by a generous relative. We had our classes in the old stables across the street from the palace. It was a magical year.

Part of our curriculum included "Travel-study breaks" where we were supposed to go and sketch famous buildings. For the most part, these breaks were vacations with a little bit of sketching mixed in. One of my trips was to Spain, one of my favorite European countries. We happened to be in Cadiz along the southern coast during their huge Carnival festival. There was an outdoor market selling all types of seafood. One stand was selling halved sea urchins. Someone in my group said they had heard sea urchins had psychedelic properties, so we bought a plate of them. There is very little meat inside, but what there is is quite nasty - a purple-ish slime with a gritty texture. Sadly, it was a dirty pack of lies. There were no trippy side effects whatsoever.

Come On, Americans...

I'm not a big fan of polls. I think the media is far too reliant on them. I also question their accuracy. In my life I have never been polled regarding politics. However, polls exist and so I'll comment on them.

It has come to my attention that over the past few weeks President Farty-Pants has seen a rise in his approval ratings. To the five percent of you that have recently changed your minds I ask:

Are you fucking insane?

Are you seriously going to keep buying this douchebag's snake oil? How many times does he have to be wrong for it to sink in. He's in-com-po-tent. You disapproved just a few weeks ago. What changed? Was it his recent speeches about how there is an Islamo-path in your closet right now, with a scimitar, ready to jump out and make falafel out of you unless you vote republican? Are you that gullible? I know the hyper-christians are a lost cause, but you fence-riders better get your asses back over on this side. Pretty please? How about if I promise you cookies? No? What about porn?

The REAL Freedom Haters...

There is a free weekly newpaper out of Traverse City that I read. It's along the lines of the Chicago Reader, but with much less content. I noticed a letter to the editor that typifies an argument I've heard many times from conservatives. It regards a cover photo from a previous issue featuring a peace march across the Mackinac Bridge. It's entitled "Baghdad Express?" (the name of the weekly is the Northern Express, how fucking clever.) Here it is in its entirety:

I really didn't care for your cover on this issue. There is such a thing as freedom of the press, but I think this was tasteless. For those of you who don't like it here, you are free to go to Iraq or any other country of your choosing. However, I wonder what would happen to you if you were to put a cover like that denouncing the head of or policies of that country! (Note: The cover in question had signs visible that read "Impeach Bush", "Bring The Guard Home", and "Get Out Of Iraq") You and I both know you probably wouldn't live to put out another issue! -Signed, Some Yutz (Real name withheld)

I hear this sort of thing a lot. It is a popular conservative gambit. If you don't like it here, then leave. Let's logically dissect this: This person says she doesn't like their cover photo because it shows people protesting U.S. policies. Her solution is for the editors (and I'll assume the protesters as well) to move somewhere without freedom of the press. What the fuck kind of sense does that make? We're the ones that like the freedom of the press. We celebrate it along with all the other freedoms granted us. She, on the other hand, seems resentful of this freedom. Sounds to me like she's the one who needs to move to a more repressive country. She'd fit right it! Conservatives love to boast about all the freedoms we have here in the U.S. until people start to want to exercise them.

I Feel Like An Idiot...

I pride myself on my knowledge of pop culture and recognizing obscure actors and their roles. Actually, I take that back. I guess I'm not proud because it's nothing to be proud of. Let's just say I'm confident in my abilities. "Animal House" has been playing on the movie channels lately. I hadn't seen the uncut version in a while and there was nothing else on, so I watched it. I kept thinking that Pinto's 13-year-old girlfriend looked a lot like Maggie, Noonan's girlfriend in "Caddyshack". My suspicions were confirmed by IMDb.com. Her name is Sarah Holcomb. It says that she had a drug problem and quit acting. I'm embarassed not to have noticed this earlier. I'm gonna blame it on the fact that I was distracted by her flawless Scottish accent (Tanks for nuttin'!). Let the ridicule begin...

A Perfect Day In The Future, Part Two...

In my last entry of this kind, I won (and quickly lost) the admiration of some of my female readers with my description of a perfect day spent with a still fictional wife and kids. It relied upon both my ability to find a suitable wife AND the potency of my sperm. This entry relies on a different set of circumstances: that some of my friends and I remain single AND that we get our thumbs out of our butts and make enough money to afford the following venture.

In an area along the northern shore of Lake Huron, there are many small islands, some of which can be found for sale at any given time. Due to a mounting frustration with U.S. foreign and domestic policy, my friends and I have dreamt what it would be like to pool our money and buy one of these islands, preferably one that straddles the Canadian border. Once the deal was made, we would declare our island a sovereign nation and ask that we be allowed to secede. I don't imagine there being any problem with this (don't forget, it's a dream). Our new nation will have one law, one that should be familiar to all - the Golden Rule. There will be no prohibitions of any kind. If you want to cook your heroin with a burning flag, so be it. If you want to marry a llama, who are we to judge? We will be a self-sufficient nation. This dream has more to do with a situation than a single event, but since we're dealing with one day, here's what it might look like:

• Wake up.
• Take a dump.
• Have a beer as I walk through the woods, foraging for nuts and berries.
• Come back to the house and watch a rerun of Dawson's Creek.
• Sit outside on a big rock in the sun and do some woodcarving (or, as my southern readers call it - whittling).
• Cook a frozen pizza for lunch.
• Finish a tough New York Times crossword puzzle.
• Chop firewood.
• Take the kayak out for a spin.
• Return to find my friends have grilled up various types of meat.
• Watch Jeopardy.
• Watch the sunset from a hot tub.
• Fall asleep in the kind of bed that is so comfortable that it becomes a part of you.

Granted, this one may be a tad more far-fetched than the last one. Another dream deals with a Costa Rican banana plantation, but we'll talk about that another time...

Sleeping Pants...

I can't say enough about these. As important a fashion innovation as the little black dress. The soft caress and soothing toastiness of flannel makes these a wardrobe must for any northerner. For the record, they are NOT pajamas. Pajamas are for women and little kids.

Michelle Corleone?...

I saw this somewhere on the internets. It's not so much the ice cream stain that caught my eye, but Mr. Pacino's appearance. When was it that he morphed into Selma Diamond from "Night Court"?

Fox News Roll Call: Brit Hume...

• Stupid name: Check.
• Head the size of a bison's: Check.
• Standard issue conservative helmet haircut: Check.
• Talks like he's got a mouthful of marbles: Check.
• Condescendingly parrots every last Republican talking point: Check-a-roony.
• Every opinion offered is like a stank turd falling into a vat of rotten onions: Checkity Check.
  

This guy was genetically engineered to helm Fox News.

Guesses At What's Being Said Here...

• "So, wait a sec. When the big hand is on six and the little hand is between four and five, what does that mean again?"
• "Wow! Twenty seconds without invoking 'nine-eleven'. That's a new record!"
• "Dick, Davey & Goliath comes on in five minutes. Could we go over that new terrah threat some other time?"
• "I told you to get the watch that has Pac-Man on it. Now I get to play and you don't, sucker!"
• "T-minus 30 seconds before the whole shithouse goes up in flames!"
• "No, Mr. President. You see, Animal House is just a movie. Just because Otter and Bluto synchronized their watches doesn't mean we have to, too."
• "3:00! Time for Ho-hos!"
• "Looking at my watch, I can't help thinking what a simple-minded, lying, moron fuck I am. That ever happened to you?"
  

Feel free to add your own...

Twenty Bucks The Shields Girl Picks Her Nose...

It doesn't matter how glamorous you are. Everyone picks their nose. However, NOT everyone chooses to savor the fruits of their picking expedition.

Maybe she's still got sand in there from shooting "Blue Lagoon". And to all you out there feigning disgust, screw you! You do it, too, and you know it!.

A Glimmer Of Hope...

Yesterday, amidst his lie-filled "Meet The Press" appearance, Dickles made a prediction that Republicans will retain both houses of Congress in the next election. Thankfully, nothing he says ever actually happens (greeted as liberators, last throes, etc.), so the bums might get thrown out after all.

Doesn't this guy's face exude love and compassion?

A Grocery Heads-Up...

I might be way behind on this one. The supermarkets where I live are about half the size of those around big cities, so our selection is often limited. I've always loved Drumsticks. I've now found an excellent twist on this dessert favorite - Drumstick Ice Cream. It's made by Edy's and it's vanilla ice cream with little chunks of Drumsticks blended in - cone, chocolate, and peanut. It's fucking good.

Must fight urge to comment on significance of the day...

Some Red Meat For My Male Readers...

To start with, I got pummelled in fantasy football. If LaMont Jordan of Oakland scores more than 62 points (210 yards rushing and 7 TDs?) in tonight's game, I'm golden, but chances are extremely slim.

In other news, the mighty, mighty Chicago Bears went into Lambeau and man-handled the Packers of Green Bay. They gave Brett "I should've retired" Favre his first career shut-out. In Lambeau. On opening day. Playing THE BEARS. Most of you probably don't realize the significance, but my fellow lifelong Bear fans who know about the rivalry understand.

On a separate note, I noticed the refs have new uniforms this season. What this means is some knucklehead said, "Hey, you know, we're really missing out on those potential fans that haven't been tuning in because they don't like the referee's jerseys." Referee's should not be cool in any way. Ref's should fade into the background. They should look like what they are - complete lame-os.

To the ladies: I'm sorry for the lack of romance in this post, but stay tuned...

A Perfect Day In The Future, Part One...

I spend a lot of time on this blog grousing about the state of the humanity. That doesn't mean I don't have dreams for the future. Notice I say "dreams" - plural. You see, I have many dreams based on many different contingencies. I'd rather not lock myself into the pursuit of one dream. Here is one of them:

The location is some secluded lake, maybe in the mountains. I'm thinking somewhere like British Columbia. I have friends there and they really love it. I think Canada would be a good fit for me, but it could also be a lake in Vermont, upstate New York, or even here in Michigan. I am sitting on an Adirondack chair on a stone patio under a natural canopy of pine boughs, looking out towards a glassy lake that reflects the forested opposite shore. There is a green lawn that ends and becomes a sandy beach. There are no boats other than a couple of kayaks pulled up on the shore. There is also a long, narrow pier that reaches out into the lake. Sitting next to me is a wife whose face is not yet discernable. We are watching our two kids, a boy and a girl, who have just reached the age when they feel brave enough to jump off the end of the dock by themselves. They cannot get enough of this newly discovered activity. I put my hand above my eyes to shield the glare of the sun so I can watch them laughing and splashing. I look over at my wife and she looks at me and quietly says:

"This is fucking awesome."

I laugh in agreement as we both run down to the dock to join in the fun. Later, after the sun sets, we start a fire and sit around it, stuffing our faces with snacks and trying to make each other laugh with goofy songs and stories. A full moon is now reflecting off the lake creating a beautiful glow to the surrounding woods. A feeling of complete and utter contentment washes over me.

Remember, this is just one of many. There is another one where my other single male buddies and I buy one of the many islands for sale between Michigan and Canada, declare our sovereignty, and secede from the United States. We'll talk about that one later...

Time For A Change...

As you can see, I've changed my profile picture. I was sick of looking at the one that resembled a cross between Ted Kaczynski and Ricky Schroeder.

I think this picture is more in keeping with the wide-eyed optimism and youthful vigor that my blog represents and that my readers have come to expect. It also represents the last time women found me attractive.

**Edited to add: In addition, I've added Big Orange, Lulu, and GETkristiLOVE to my blogroll. There are a few of you that are on the bubble, but I'm waiting to see more content to determine your worthiness.

I'm A Songwriter!...

I have friends that are songwriters. I have great admiration for that talent. It's something I'd never imagine being able to do. Until now! My song is topical, easy to remember, and touching. It came to me last night like a bolt of lightning. It goes like this:

(Sung to the tune of the refrain for "Rock Me, Amadeus", by Falco)

Nine Eleven Nine Eleven...Nine Eleven
Nine Eleven Nine Eleven...Nine Eleven
Nine Eleven Nine Eleven
Nuh-Nuh-Nine Eleven
Na-Nine Eleven Nine Eleven (Repeat x3)

I've been watching way too much news lately.

Evolution Of A Blog Post...

I'm sorry about the lack of posts today. I was in a bit of a mental rut and didn't have anything worthwhile to share. As you can see, it's the end of the day and I'm still drawing a blank. I thought I'd spend some time talking about how one of my blog posts go from my brain to your screen:

1. Wake up
2. Take a dump. While sitting on toilet, consider the myriad of blog possibilities for the day.
3. Wipe up.
4. Drive to work. In the car, decide whether it will be a childhood memory post, a pop culture post, a rant, a post that recommends something, or potpourri.
   
5. Get to work and comb through my daily blogs to see what people are talking about in order to avoid repetition. For example, I would've probably posted something about the Suri Cruise pics, but I noticed a few people already had. I also have a lingering guilt due to the fact I once thought Katie Holmes was super-cute. What the fuck was I thinking!?
6. Post a quick, hopefully relevant entry about something mildly amusing, yet ultimately inconsequential.
7. Spend the remainder of the day lamenting the fact that my morning post was stupid.
8. After the workday is done, really try to crank out a thoughtful post, but end up with something that is equally lame.
9. Drive home thinking of a million better ideas for hilarious shit I should've done.
10. Forget all aforementioned ideas before falling asleep.
11. Go to Step 1.
    

A Belated Message To Nancy Reagan...

I just remembered something I wanted to say in case I ever had a public forum like this. Screw you, Nancy Reagan! How dare you drag the Drummond family into your evil web of lies! Have you no shame?