Rummy Rumsfield...

Dude, it's time for a break, don't you think? Aren't you tired? Aren't you sick of everyone asking questions and giving you a hard time? You're looking haggard and the liver spots are increasing exponentially.

Is it the money? Can't be. I think it's fairly safe to assume your kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids won't have to lift a finger in their lives if they don't want to, thanks to your corporate past and the money you're sure to have invested in military contractors. Now, I can't promise anything in terms of great-great-grandkids, but you'll be long dead before they're born, so fuck them, right?

Is it the power? I mean, shit, haven't you gotten all your old PNAC wet dreams out of your system yet? I know Iran is still out there, but why don't you let someone else take the heat for that eventual calamity. There is a shuffleboard court in Boca with your name on it, champ.

Maybe it's the sex. I remember back in 2002 you made the People Magazine list of sexiest men. If you have indeed been reaping the benefits of that label, isn't your little whisker-dick about ready to fall off by now? Shit, if you're considered a sex-symbol, it's no wonder I never get laid.

As much as we'd all miss your scowl and bitterness, if you're ready to retire, no one will stand in your way. If they do, just knock them down, spit on them and laugh. Like old times...

**Edited to add: I know I misspelled his last name in the title. For some reason I think the "i" adds a bit of whimsy to his name.