Rummy Rumsfield...

Dude, it's time for a break, don't you think? Aren't you tired? Aren't you sick of everyone asking questions and giving you a hard time? You're looking haggard and the liver spots are increasing exponentially.

Is it the money? Can't be. I think it's fairly safe to assume your kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids won't have to lift a finger in their lives if they don't want to, thanks to your corporate past and the money you're sure to have invested in military contractors. Now, I can't promise anything in terms of great-great-grandkids, but you'll be long dead before they're born, so fuck them, right?

Is it the power? I mean, shit, haven't you gotten all your old PNAC wet dreams out of your system yet? I know Iran is still out there, but why don't you let someone else take the heat for that eventual calamity. There is a shuffleboard court in Boca with your name on it, champ.

Maybe it's the sex. I remember back in 2002 you made the People Magazine list of sexiest men. If you have indeed been reaping the benefits of that label, isn't your little whisker-dick about ready to fall off by now? Shit, if you're considered a sex-symbol, it's no wonder I never get laid.

As much as we'd all miss your scowl and bitterness, if you're ready to retire, no one will stand in your way. If they do, just knock them down, spit on them and laugh. Like old times...

**Edited to add: I know I misspelled his last name in the title. For some reason I think the "i" adds a bit of whimsy to his name.


Flannery Alden said...

Well put. And, yes, fuck the great-great grandkids; fuck them indeed!

Anonymous said...

Eww. Glad I don't subscribe to People Magazine.

Beth said...

Ewwwwww. You wrote about sex and Rummy in the same sentence. Now I won't be able to eat dinner ... or sleep.

Megan said...

I would like to state for the record that, unlike millions of American women, I do NOT find Rumsfeld sexy. He is far too well-groomed and asinine.

Also, according to Rummy himself:

"As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know."

I think it's safe to say that Rumsfeld's continued tenure in the office of Secretary of Defense is a known unknown. We all know we don't know what the fuck he's still doing there.

Erik said...

I think that's who Jeff Gannon was fucking when he stayed overnight at the White House. What a romantic setting: The Lincoln Room dimly lit with candles, liver-spot rummy and gannon in each other's arms....AHHH, I just puked on my keyboard!

This guy should've retired after we found out he ok'd torture......

Chris said...

Megan: That ranks as one of the most ridiculous quotes ever. Unknown unknows! What a schmuck.

Anonymous said...

Chris, you are not familiar with the existential poetry of Donald Rumsfeld? I think I can help: http://www.slate.com/id/2081042/

Anonymous said...

we gotta thank Rummy for program collecting DNA of suicide bombers. Helps track sons, fathers, brothers, family