My Latest Wardrobe Staple...

People who know me know I'm only slightly more fashionable than your average Communist. I've posted stuff about my lack of style HERE, HERE, and HERE.

The shirt pictured above has become my latest standby. I would guess that 75% of my winter upper-body attire features a quarter-zip collar. Truth be told, I'd prefer a 5/16th-zip collar, but no one seems to carry them.

If You Had To Choose...

Who would you rather have as your guidance counselor...


Mr. Rosso or...


Mr. Mackey?

Remembering...

I said something funny last night that I was going to put on the blog, but now I've forgotten what it was. Actually, it probably wasn't all that funny, but because this blog continues to suck balls, I have to take whatever mildly amusing thing that happens and make the most of it.

Sometimes people tie a string around their finger to help them remember things. In this case, however, the string technique wouldn't have done jack shit because I can remember there was something funny and that it would've been post-able, just not what it was. From now on, whenever anything funny happens, I think I'll write on a Post-It note, fart on it, and staple it to my forehead. That might make for an effective memory aid. I think I owe that to you, the reader.

Blame Splotchy...

He made me do this:

Rules
1. Tag one to many persons by doing the name game song on their Blogger name (their first name, if they have one).
2. Tell your tagged, name-gamed bloggers that they will have to continue the Name Game meme, or innocent puppies will be [make up something suitably awful].

*****

Hello, taggees! Please pass this meme on.

If you don't, puppies will be forced to live in a world without kibble!

The only thing preventing this terrible tragedy from being enacted is your continuation of this meme!

The taggees:

Pantaloons, Pantaloons, bo-bantaloons,
Banana-fana fo-fantaloons
Fee-fi-mo-mantaloons
Pantaloons!

Hapabukbuk, Hapabukbuk, bo-bapabukbuk,
Banana-fana fo-fapabukbuk
Fee-fi-mo-mapabukbuk
Hapabukbuk!

Catherinette, Catherinette, bo-batherinette,
Banana-fana fo-fatherinette
Fee-fi-mo-matherinette
Catherinette!

Procrastinator, Procrastinator, bo-brocrastinator,
Banana-fana fo-frocrastinator
Fee-fi-mo-mrocrastinator
Procrastinator!

Distributor, Distributor, bo-bistributor,
Banana-fana fo-fistributor
Fee-fi-mo-mistributor
Distributor!

Hey Ladies...

Your grandma called.
She wants to go bra shopping with you.

The Difference Between Men And Women...

Sunday, Megan and I took a walk along the lake.

She wanted to take pretty pictures with her new camera.
I wanted to chuck rocks at loose pieces of ice.

Wait, I Think We Can Fit One More...

This kid really lacks a strong work ethic, don'tcha think?

Nicknames...

Grape-Nuts may work well as a cereal,

but it works even better as a nickname
for a guy with small testicles.

Does everyone remember the nicknames I gave them? If any of my newer readers would like me to give them one, leave a request in the comments. Be sure to read the disclaimer first. I can't be held responsible for what pops into my head.

Happy Monday, All!...

I hope you all had a pleasant weekend.

Tonight is the final night of my ski racing season. It's been kind of a mixed bag for me. I started out slow, but once I got the hang of it, I worked my way way up to the top slot on the team by the middle of the season. Then, a few weeks ago I had a pretty spectacular wreck. I was about 3/4 of the way down and hauling ass when I lost track of a gate until it was right in front of me. I hooked my ski and went head first down the hill. Luckily, I didn't injure myself, other than a little ego bruising. As I climbed up to retrieve the ski that came off, I discovered I had completely broken the toe-piece of the binding. After that run, I got nervous and more tentative, so my times suffered. I'm hoping to redeem myself tonight.

Clearing Up Any Confusion...

This is Spock

This is a spork.

I know the differences are subtle, but try to remember, m'kay?

Jim Carrey, Eat Your Heart Out...

For The Record...

Sammy Davis Jr. DID have a glass eye.

It was real and it was spectacular.

Sandy Duncan's Glass Eye...

For as long as I can remember, I have been under the impression that star of stage and screen, Wheat Thins-spokesperson Sandy Duncan had a glass eye. It was just one of those things someone tells you when you're young and you accept it as true. After all, she did have a noticeably lazy eye.

Something just now compelled me to do a Google search for "Sandy Duncan glass eye". How's that for random? I think they mentioned it in a "Family Guy" episode or something. Well, turns out she had a tumor in her left eye, which killed her optic nerve. It's her real eye, but she can't see out of it. She actually sounds like a pretty cool person. She talks shit about Dubya AND Oprah! See for yourselves...

Advertising...

I remember, back when I was in high school, Coca-Cola, in the interest of raising the level of fashion in our country, promoted their own line of Coca-Cola clothing. Thank goodness, too. Prior to this bold move, people were forgetting that Coca-Cola existed and that it was available for purchase.

I'm joking, of course. Product placement on clothing was and still is prevalent. Back in the day, everyone who was anyone had to have an Adidas t-shirt. Nowadays,you can find clothes with just about any corporate logo you want. It is smart business for companies to use people as walking billboards. After all, you pay them to do their advertising! Genius!

There are a few exceptions. Some companies have yet to tap into this lucrative marketing strategy. Here are some that need to get on board or risk being left behind:

Cialis Erectile Dysfunction Medication

Imodium Anti-Diarrheal

Rid-X Septic System Treatment

Massengill Feminine Hygiene Products

I would proudly wear any of these.

Why I'm A Dirty Hippie...

Actually, I keep myself reasonably clean and I probably wouldn't come across as a hippie based on my appearance. I use "dirty hippie" jokingly as a blanket descriptor for anyone with worldviews that piss off conservatives.

Anyway, I was watching another 60 Minutes report about a defense prototype that is basically a ray gun. It provides an effective method of crowd control without permanently injuring anybody. The technology is interesting. If it can prevent more innocent death, I think it's a positive step, provided it isn't misused. What I found curious about the testing in the piece was that they felt the need to stage a mock battle with people posing as peace activists. It just seems odd to me that this would be the logical target of a weapons system like this. It's basically saying that people who want world peace need to be defeated.

It made me think how cool it would be if, some day, the leaders of this world decided to act non-violently towards each other, so that the people who wanted more war were the ones who'd have to march in the streets in protest. They'd be the ones who were marginalized and made to feel unpatriotic. People like us who want to live in a peaceful world would be the ones calling the shots. Wouldn't that be sweet?

Euchre...

I fucking love Euchre.
It is a brilliant game.
It's so simple, yet filled with tons of little nuances and strategies.
One of the things I miss about Chicago is getting together
with friends to play Euchre.
It is one of the few card games I don't mind
teaching people who have never played.

Since It's Monday And Everyone's Already Miserable...

You want to watch something truly disgraceful?
Check out this 60 Minutes story over at Crooks & Liars.
Please forward it to anyone you know who still
can't admit that our current health care system
is inhumane.

An Intervention...

Dude, we all care about you. That's why we're here.

For the longest time, I pretended like you didn't have a problem. I didn't want to admit to myself that you're not the same cuckoo-bird I used to know. It seems like the only thing you care about now is where you're gonna get your next fix.

And it hurts, man, it really hurts.

It kills me to sit back and watch you throw your life away. I've seen you go through twelve boxes of this shit in an afternoon. I've fucking SEEN you go through this shit so fast you swallow the prize at the bottom without even noticing!

When there's Cocoa Puffs around, you change into this...this monster! Your eyes get all bugged-out. You ignore your wife. You ignore your kids. You're sick. You're addicted to this garbage and you need help. And we want you to get help. We want you to know we're here for you. I'm serious, Sonny. We know you can kick this thing. We love you, man.

The IT Department...

Winners of the SysCorp Inter-Office Keg Stand competition, 2007.

Why Are The Urinals I Pee Into Always So Lame?...

And, I know a lot of you have been wondering
if there are any photos out there of a lemur using a urinal.
Well, you're in luck:

Documentary Film Of The Day: The Real Dirt On Farmer John...

Those of you who keep up on my documentary picks know I'm a sucker for films about weird people. Weirdness, to me, is a positive personality trait. Farmer John is pretty weird. He's artistic and flamboyant. He turned his Northern Illinois family farm into a commune, much to the displeasure of his neighbors. When the farming collapse of the eighties struck, John had to sell off most of his equipment and land, but he could never fully let go of the farming lifestyle. It's a nice story, funny and a bit hokey at times, but it is ultimately a story of second chances.

You can add it to your Netflix lists HERE.

An Unsubstantiated Rumor That's GOT To Be True...

The cast of 80's religious sitcom "Amen" were
hardcore satan worshipers.

It is also important for you to know that, to date, none of the five seasons of "Amen" have been released on DVD, nor is there any indication that they will be any time soon. Please write your Congressperson ASAP to make sure this grave injustice is rectified.

I Would Make A Great Rich Person...

This is the Rockefeller family.
The descendants of John D., the first billionaire.
They are considered one of the wealthiest American dynasties.
These are people who might use the word "summer" as a verb.

I think I would make a great rich person. I've never had a lot of money, but I'm pretty sure if I did, I wouldn't be a dick about it. I know everyone says it, but I'd honestly give a lot of it away - anonymously. Sure, I'd do a few things for myself, like put a new roof on my house and get some dental work done, but I wouldn't buy fancy cars or clothes or yachts. I'd spend 4 to 6 months a year donating my labor to some philanthropy like Habitat For Humanity. I'd use my wealth to support the arts and those who want to be creative.

If I ever do become rich, I promise to always pick up the check and always leave a big tip, even if the service sucks. I promise to give money to any homeless person I encounter and I won't judge them if they spend it on liquor or drugs. I promise to put change in any parking meter that's about to expire. I promise to give any exonerated prisoner something they've always wanted. I promise to never complain about paying a lot of taxes. Mostly, I promise to never be corrupted or jaded by wealth.

And I promise to take you all on a nice trip somewhere. Where should we go?

There Are Some Things That Can't Be Explained...

Like why this post continues to make me laugh so loud. Like Bill Hicks once said, "It's like a sore tooth I can't stop touching..."

I Doubt Anyone Will Leave A Comment On This Post Because You'd Have To Be As Big A Geek As Me To Know What I'm Talking About...

It is my contention that R2-D2...

...and 7-Zark-7 were separated at birth.