Thank Heavens We Have Fox News...

They really are looking out for us.

According to this article, Barack Obama may or may not have been discreetly giving the finger to Hillary Clinton.

People, this is HUGE news! If this turns out to be true and he was indeed giving Senator Clinton "the bird", then I think it is safe to say he should not, under any circumstances, be president. I mean, I can forgive a lot, but to use this sort of disgusting profanity is something I cannot and will not tolerate. If this is not THE lead story on every network news show, it will prove once and for all that the media is controlled by godless liberal hippies.

The Porn Spectrum...

Jesus. It's 4:34 PM and I still haven't posted anything. Time to do a childish Google Image Search experiment involving porn. My loyal readers know I'm fascinated by Google Image Searches.

Today's question: Which color is the most pornographic?

The criteria: I enter each of the colors of the visible spectrum, one at a time, and see on which page a porngraphic photo first appears. To be considered pornographic, the photo must contain exposed male or female sexual organs and/or a female nipple. Let's begin:

• Red - Page 3
• Orange - Page 39
• Yellow - I was up to page 47 when it stopped showing more pages. Nada.
• Green - Page 8
• Blue - Page 5
• Indigo - Page 23
• Violet - Page 1

There you have it. Scientific proof that violet is the most pornographic color and yellow is just plain lame.

*Remember, image search results are constantly changing, so if you check these links and there's no porn there anymore, I'm sure you can find some somewhere else on the internets.

Hipness Inquiry...

I'm just wondering.
Can I still get away with using the word
"fly"
to describe physical attractiveness?
As in: "That cheeseburger is fly!"

"Cheeseburger", in this case, is a pretty girl.
I picked that one up from Theo Huxtable.

So, is "fly" still acceptable?
If not, what should I be using?

Oh.My.God...

Like most people my age, back in the late seventies, I was all about Star Wars. The movies, the toys, the lunchboxes, and anything else they wanted to try and cram down my throat. I've always had this faint memory of a Star Wars TV show where we met Chewbacca's family, but it was so long ago, I figured maybe it was just a dream I had had (I had many Star Wars-based dreams as a kid).

Thanks to the internet, I stumbled upon the Star Wars Holiday Special. It was made before The Empire Strikes Back. Now, a lot has been made of the poor quality of the latest 3 installments of the Star Wars series, but as bad as they were, none hold a candle to this baby. Having said that, I bet I went ape-shit over this show back when it originally aired. Surprisingly, all the main actors (minus Alec Guiness) reprise their roles. We also get to see appearances by Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Harvey Korman, and Jefferson Starship (I'm not kidding). I am including a link to a five-minute condensed version and one for the entire two-hour program, for those who are gluttons for punishment. Enjoy!

A Quiz...

What do the following places have in common?

• Andorra
• Anguilla
• Bahamas
• Bahrain
• Bermuda
• Brunei
• British Virgin Islands
• Burundi
• Cayman Islands
• Kuwait
• Monaco
• Oman
• Qatar
• Saint Kitts and Nevis
• Somalia
• United Arab Emirates
• Vanuatu

Highlight the blank space below with your cursor for the answer:
They do not have a personal income tax. Fuckers.

Something To Look Forward To...

Just when you though he was out of our lives completely, according to THIS ARTICLE, Professor Rumsfeld has decided to bless us all with his memoir to be available in 2010. Early transcripts suggest there will be a little something for everyone:

• The book will contain a lot of known-knowns, known-unknowns, and unknown-unknowns. Unfortunately, they edited out the part about unknown-knowns.
• It includes lots of mouth-watering baby-flesh recipes.
• Rumsfeld describes his own definition of torture - An unvented room and George Tenet's beer-farts.
• A center section full of personal photos, including one of he and his fellow cabinet members engaged in a spirited game of "Weiner-Tag" in the oval office.
• Rumsfeld boils down his secret to success to one easy-to-remember anagram: ABC - Always be cantankerous.
• We get to find out what he's been busy with since resigning as Secretary Of Defense, namely pimping out his MySpace page and watching reruns of "Designing Women" on Lifetime. And eating babies. Rummy loves him some babies.
  

I Just Realized...

TUMS spelled backwards is SMUT.

A Movie Idea (Without Any Details)...

The Micronauts Invade Playmobil Village

When I was young, I had a friend who played with Playmobil stuff. To me, Playmobil toys were like Legos, minus any discernable fun.

It's That Time Of Year...

I am currently in the last throes of my winter beard. I don't know why I grow it. Probably laziness. Some day I'm gonna get serious and grow one like one of these guys:






They all look pretty happy, huh? Maybe not the guy in black & white, but the rest of them look like they're having a good time.

Whoop It Up, Kansas Fans...

Enjoy your victory celebrations while you can,
because, when the dust all settles, you're gonna be met
with the harsh realization that
you still live in Kansas.

Knock Knock...

-Who's there?

-Orange.

-Orange Who?

-Orange you glad this is the last post about skiing for a while?

I found this picture recently that someone had taken as we were getting ready to go out and patrol one morning. I like how BAD is capitalized. The look on my face is like, "Do I seriously have to go out in this?" There are some days on the ski patrol that are downright nasty. The worst days are the ones with like -30 windchill and blowing snow, the kind that hurts as it hits your face. Those are the days you hunker down in a warming house and do crossword puzzles and pray there aren't any calls for accidents.

Days like today make up for days like that. Today, it was clear blue sunny sky, still plenty of soft, buttery snow, and temperatures that at least felt like the sixties. There were people skiing in shorts and t-shirts. It was really excellent skiing for the first three or four hours, until it got all cut up and slushy. They were grilling outside, so I got a burger and some chips and sat out on a patio with the other patrollers, watching people ski by. It feels like I got a bit of sunburn. Also, there wasn't a single injured skier.

One of my favorite things on a sunny day with good snow is rocking out to my I-Pod as I go down the hill. At this time of year, most people are done with snow and want to do the warm weather things they haven't been able to do all winter, so crowds are usually small. Most runs are wide open. I stand at the top of the hill fast-forwarding until I find the perfect song, usually one that's fast and bouncy. I tried to keep track of what songs I would put on a skiing mix. Here are a few:

-Built For Speed - Stray Cats
-John Henry - Big Bill Broonzy
-American Music (the middle) - Violent Femmes
-Going In The Right Direction - Robert Randolph
-Do You Right - 311
-Beverly Hills - Weezer
-Greek #3 - They Might Be Giants
-Time Bomb - Old 97's
-Raw-Hide - Link Wray
-Mountain Song - Jane's Addiction
-Professor Booty - Beastie Boys
-All Down The Line - The Rolling Stones

I Have No Words...

In the past, anytime I heard people rail against Hollywood (and by Hollywood, I'm talking about mainstream cinema) and how it is contributing to societal decline, I'd think to myself that they must just be prudes or hyper-sensitive. I'm beginning to have my doubts.

Some nimrod has decided that "Short Circuit" is worthy of a remake. The frustrating thing is that I KNOW there are good films being made and I have to believe there are equally good ideas begging for their chance. Unfortunately, these films never make it to theaters.

So, in order to dissuade those of you who are harboring even remote thoughts of actually plunking down money to see something like this, may I present to you El DeBarge. Maybe this video will generate some second thoughts.

You Thought My Bacon Obsession Was Over...

Think again.

For those of you new to this blog, in the past I have suggesteded a number of new uses for our favorite salted pork product. They include:

• Bacon Vodka (this one already existed, I'm just promoting it)
  
• Bacon Slurpees
• Bacon-Scented Duct Tape
• Bacon Bedding
• Bacon-Flavored Cigarettes (And Coffee)
  
• Bacon-Flavored Chewing Gum

Now comes the next installment. Are you ready for it?

The Bacon Bra.

Detritus...

When you include a picture with every post like I do, you inevitably find a lot of pictures that may someday make for a good post. If I see something that I think might be worthy, I grab it and save it for later. Sometimes, I end up using them, sometimes I don't. Here are a few pics that have been languishing in my blog folder for a while. They are completely random and without context, but I figured it was time to purge them. Maybe one of you can give them a good home.

Just When I Thought Playtime Couldn't Get Any Better...

My Pope Innocent III action figure came (complete with scroll)!
Unfortunately, the Pope-Mobile is sold separately
and will be arriving in 4-6 weeks (batteries not included).

Once it comes, I'll finally be able to reenact
the epic battles between the Catholic church
and post-punk musicians!

Playtime...

Sorry about the lack of posts lately.
My Devo action figures just came in the mail.
I haven't been able to put them down.

Next stop, the bathtub...

#@!%$ Computer Issues...

I just put new antivirus software on my computer and now the intronets are moving slower than fucking molasses. I did everything I was supposed to do. There are few things that aggravate me more than when shit doesn't work right. Grrr!

I KNEW He Reminded Me Of Someone...

From now on, he shall be known to me as
"Ruprecht. the Monkey President".

No offense, Dr. Monkey...

I Stumble Upon Things...

See, if Hollywood actually had the balls to make a movie based on "Diff'rent Strokes" starring Condoleezza Rice as Arnold Jackson, I'd camp out on the sidewalk for fucking tickets.

Doumentary Film Of The Day: For The Bible Tells Me So...

I must confess. I have not known many gay people in my life, or at least people who were openly gay. I can't think of a single member of my extended family who I'd even suspect to be gay. I have not had any close friends who are gay. I did mow the lawn of a gay couple that lived across the street when I was a kid, but that's about it. In fact, this blog has been the first place I have gotten to know people who are gay to the point that I'd consider them friends.

Despite this lack of exposure, I have always thought the use of the Bible as justification for gay persecution to be ridiculous, cruel, and completely at odds with what Jesus seemed to be teaching. Now, those of you who know me and read my stuff know I'm not a practicing Christian by any means, but I do remember what I was taught in Sunday School. Condemning gays completely violates the idea of loving others as you would want to be loved. It encourages judgment when judgment, according to the Bible, is supposed to be left to God. The few passages that even vaguely reference homosexuality have been so twisted and misrepresented that all context has been lost.

This film does a nice job of dispelling the myths being spread by the religious right in regards to what the Bible says about homosexuality. It focuses on five religious families and how having a gay family member has reshaped their beliefs. One of the women, the mother of a lesbian daughter, came to the realization too late. She never accepted her daughter's sexuality and became estranged. It was only after her daughter committed suicide that she understood how wrong she was. Now she works to prevent others from making the same mistakes. It's film that is both happy and sad, infuriating and hopeful. Check it out.

The People Who Look The Most Normal...

...are the ones who ingest the most boogers.

Do I Post Too Much About Skiing?...

Well, tough shit.

Saturday was one of those gifts from the gods of skiing. After a miserable time the week before with all the idiots, this was a nice reprieve. The sky was blue the entire day, there were few people out, and I didn't have to deal with a single accident. It stayed in the low 30s, so the snow stayed nice and firm all day.

You Might As Well Engrave The Oscar Now...

As some of you may have heard,
a movie based on the popular 80's series
"The A-Team" is in the works.

Most of you, however, probably didn't know
it's going to be done as a musical.

I can't wait to watch Celine Dion perform
"Murdoch, You Crazy-Ass Cracker",
a shoo-in for Best Original Song,
at the next Academy Awards.

Saturday Morning At Some Guy's House...

Megan: Hey, Pooh-bear (She calls me "Pooh-bear"), the new Pottery Barn catalog came.

Some Guy: Oh joy of joys! Excuse me while I go masturbate.

Megan: (Laughing) What is WRONG with you?

Some Guy: That one's going on the blog.

Salvaging A Failed Post...

Seeing as it's the Easter season and everyone and their mother is going to have a post about Marshmallow Peeps (half of which will talk about how they're fucking nasty, the other half about how they're manna from heaven), I figured I'd get on the bandwagon. What can I say? I'm a follower.

Anyway, I had a plan to find a decent Peep picture and, using my limited Photoshop skillz, superimpose Dick Cheney's face on one of 'em and call them "Veeps". I know, fucking hilarious, right? Well, I couldn't find a good picture that would've truly captured the comedic genius of my idea. However, I did find this picture during my search. It's got boobies: