Wheels...

Well, I finally did it. I got a new car. Actually, a used car. Well, a used truck. The last time I did this was over ten years ago. You can see it in the picture. Don't worry. It's an old picture. There's not that much snow anymore.

I have to tell you, there's all sorts of cool new features on cars these days. For example, there are these buttons that allow me to lock and unlock the car (both doors!) with a single touch. These other buttons open and close the windows electronically - no cranks! And, get this, there's this series of buttons that allow me to set and maintain my speed without having to touch the gas pedal! Amazing! I was fiddling with some of the other knobs and was shocked to discover cooled air blowing on me at one point. That is going to be a nice thing to have during the summer months.

Hats off to my old truck. It was a '93 Ranger. I bought it in '97 with 45,000 miles. Since then, I've put 200,000 more miles on it without any major repairs. Anyone want it? I'm practically giving it away.

Of Swingline Staplers And "O" Faces...

Yesterday morning, before heading back to Michigan, I was flipping around the channels at my mom's place. I happened upon an edited version of "Office Space" on Comedy Central. My mom asked, "What's this?"

"You've never seen 'Office Space'?" I asked, somewhat surprised.

"No. I've never heard of it."

"WHAT!?"

Now, my mom may not be super-hip, but she's definitely hip enough to at least have HEARD of "Office Space". I told her how great it was and we started watching it. It had just started and was at the part where Peter shocks himself on the doorknob. As he walks to his cubicle, you hear the increasingly louder drone of:

"Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking...Just a moment."

Peter cringes as he turns on his computer. He asks Milton to turn down his radio. He refuses. Then comes Lumbergh and the TPS report issue.

It's cool to see someone laughing at this movie for the first time. My mom was cracking up. We continued to laugh until one of my mom's friends dropped by. They chatted over coffee while I switched over to "Meet The Press".

When I got back home to Michigan, they were replaying the movie and I was able to pick it up at about where I'd left off. I started thinking about how great a movie it is. The writing is fantastic. The characters are perfectly developed and portrayed. There is a nice mix of understated performances (Peter, Joanna, Michael) and over-the-top ones (Milton, Lumbergh, and Drew). In fact, someone I know plays softball with Drew (the "O" face guy, played brilliantly by Greg Pitts) and says he's just as funny in real life. The movie also has an excellent ending that wraps things up perfectly.

This movie approaches the sublime in my opinion. It's near flawless. I always knew it was good, but I think I'm prepared to put it among not just my favorite comedies, but my favorite movies, period.

Helping GM Turn Things Around...

I think it's high time they brought back the Chevy Monza.

And none of this redesign bullshit. I want it to look just like this.
It's hott!

Question Of The Day...

Do you HAVE to let it linger?

I mean, seriously...

Cracker Jack Prizes...

For those of you who haven't had a box of Cracker Jacks in a while, let me warn you, the prizes have gone way downhill. They suck to the point that you're better off buying Crunch & Munch or Fiddle Faddle and forgoing the prize altogether.

I'm having homemade crabcakes for dinner. I can't remember ever having them before. Are they better with chocolate or vanilla frosting?

Praise...

I don't usually do this, but my pal Frank has really been doing some great shit over at The Sirmarco Letters lately. For a while he only posted sporadically, but he's really been hitting his stride recently. If you don't already frequent his blog, consider checking it out. Call him "Frunkles". He likes that.

By the way, Happy Hump-day everyone! It's 12:30 and I'm still in my pajamas! HA HA! (In my best Nelson of The Simpsons voice.)

My First LTTE...

Because she is too busy sunning herself and drinking champagne cocktails, Megan has asked me to tackle some of her pending letters to the editor. I am going to try and do it with the same tact and eloquence that she always does. Here goes:

Bums at bus station

When my sister passed away, I travelled to Pittsburgh via bus. The Norfolk terminal was disgusting - so many beggars, bums, and delinquents at that station.

All my other stops were great. Security and cleanliness were intact. Hats off to the stations in Pittsburgh, Washington, D.C., and Richmond.

Norfolk, though, needs work. Get those bums out who are not travelling from Norfolk's station.

David M., Hertford, NC


Dear David,

Eat a bag of shit, you heartless horse's ass.

Sincerely,
Some Guy

p.s.- Sorry about your sister.

Thank You, Baby Jesus...

Hey gang!

This is your humble blogger checking in from the beautiful outer banks of North Carolina. I should warn you, I feel a little off-kilter. For one, I'm posting at night. I'm on a foreign computer. Plus, I've enjoyed a number of G & Ts over the past few hours.

In addtion to all this, I have been filled with the glory of the holy spirit. You see, as of a few hours ago, I am born again. This transformation has nothing to do with the recent resurrection festivities or any other divine interventions (gin). It is all about convenience. I've decided to give up and give in. Some of life's questions are just too tough. There is one thing I've found to make it all a little easier. One thing that can free me from the torment of all those unanswerable questions.

It's baby Jesus.

Baby Jesus is all you need. It's so simple. All of life's mysteries can be chalked up to the will of baby Jesus. Like, for instance, where does gin come from? Baby Jesus! Why are limes green? Baby Jesus! Why does the ice in my glass melt? Well, because the room temperature is above 32 degrees. And why is that? B to the mutha fuckin' J, baby!

I've got more shit in my bag of tricks, so stay tuned. Right now, I'm off to seek a job in the Bush White House.

Hosanna in the highest, bitches!

You're Not Going To Believe This...

I'm leaving on another vacation! Spring Break! Woo hoo!

I'm going to visit my lovely girlfriend. We shall be spending time at the beach. I'm praying it's not too cold for me to wear flip flops.

I may be checking in from time to time with updates. For now, I'm leaving the comments as an open forum with which to amuse yourselves. I was too preoccupied to hire a guest blogger.

You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!...

Yeah, I'm aware I live in the north and snow in April is not uncommon, but fuckin' a!

Shortbus...

I admit, when I add films to my Netflix queue, I don't always read up on what the movie is about. If it's won a few awards or looks like it might be a bit subversive, that can be enough for me. Yesterday, I received the movie "Shortbus". It wasn't what I was expecting.

For some reason, I thought this was going to be some off-color biopic about Sammy Sosa (Frank will understand this). Imagine my shock when, in one of the first scenes, there is a guy contorting himself trying give himself a blowjob (I won't give away whether he's successful). The movie continues from there with many scenes of gay sex (anal and oral), straight sex, orgies, masturbation, and domination.

It was very odd to see a film with so much graphic sex (which included penetration) that wasn't a porno. There was an actual story with some depth to it. I'm not sure if I liked the movie all that much, but I definitely applaud the filmmakers and actors for their courage to try something new.

Unlikely Home Decor...

All year long, I leave a bag of Kingsford charcoal on the floor next to the door by my deck, in plain view in my living room. Most people would find some place out of sight in which to store this, especially during the winter. I look at it as a constant reminder that, yes, it will get warm again. Plus, it has our nation's colors - colors that, contrary to popular belief, do not run.

Michiganderisms...

For the most part, there aren't too many striking differences between the way people talk in Chicago and the way they talk in Michigan. One saying I don't remember hearing anywhere else but here is "Jeez-O-Pete's".

For example, someone might say "Boy, I really nailed a 6-pointer with my car on the way home from bowling last night." The reply would be something like, "Jeez-O-Pete's! Is it totalled?"

Do people by you use this expression?

House Guests...

I love having house guests.

I had two this weekend. They come up from Chicago more often than anyone. They love it up here. They've come enough to know exactly what to expect from me as their host.

You see, I have a very laissez-faire approach to house guests. I don't go apeshit in my preparations like others might. I tidy up, but I don't thoroughly clean. I do even less if no females are coming. I don't go buy a ton of groceries, mostly because I have such fucked-up eating habits that I don't want to buy stuff that won't get eaten. I do buy a few essentials like beer and snacks. Aside from that, I try to create a relaxed atmosphere. Guests are free to come and go as they please. If they want to do stuff, I'm available, but I never have any sort of agenda. If they'd like to do or see something up here, I'm happy to facilitate it. If they want to do nothing more than lay around all weekend and drink beer and grill food, I make sure that they do it in a guilt-free environment.

My guests are the best. They are not demanding. They are not above sleeping in sleeping bags on the floor. They supply a lot of the food and drink. They do most of the cooking. They also leave the house like it was when they arrived. When they leave, they thank me for having them when really it's me that should be doing the thanking.

So if you're ever in the area and want a cheap (free) place to stay, don't hesitate to ask!

Be Afraid...

I don't have many phobias. I can fly on a plane without incident. I don't get too nervous about speaking in public. Snakes don't really freak me out.

There is one thing, however, that terrifies me. It's very existence strikes fear into the hearts of even the bravest men. There have been nights I've awoken, dripping in my own cold sweat, with nightmares of this lone tormenter.

Please, don't let on that I told you. This entity thrives on fear.

Be warned. The following photographs will send a chill up your spine.

It's Avril Lavigne.

And she's sticking up her middle finger.

She's so fucking tough.

I just hope I'm not the next person to be on the receiving end of her patented ass-whuppings.

Words I Haven't Used Yet...

I've written just over 500 posts since I started blogging. That adds up to a lot of words. In many cases, a lot of these words get used more than once. I wanted to figure out some of the words that have been neglected thus far, so I did a search for a few. They have not appeared in this blog until now. They include:

• abhorrent
• bilge
• corpulent
• dysfunctional
• excretory
• flatulent
• garish
• homunculus
• inane
• junk
• knob
• lugubrious
• misanthropic
• nincompoop
• obstinate
• petulant
• quixotic
• rapscallion
• succulent
• torpor
• unctuous
• vibrator
• warped
• xanthophyll (this one surprised me too!)
• yucky
• zealot
  

For Those Of You That Have Seen "Strange Brew"...

I think I had about the same amount of beer this weekend as Bob McKenzie did when he was trapped at Elsinore Brewery.

For those of you who have never seen "Strange Brew", shame on you.

How sad...

There is nothing quite as sad as a lonely phone.
Won't you consider spending some time with it?

I've actually been here. This phone is in the middle of fucking nowhere along Route 50 ("The loneliest road in the U.S.") in Nevada. I stopped here during my cross country bike ride. A lot of the other guys on the trip made calls from it because they thought it was funny. I didn't make a call. I figured any call I'd have made would've gone like this:

Call recipient: Hello?
Me: Hey. How's it going?
Call recipient: Who is this?
Me: It's Chris.
Call recipient: Oh, hey Chris. Can I call you back? I'm on the other line.
Me: That's fine. I'll talk to you later.

Guess What The Company That Owns This Building Makes...

Answer: Dildos.

Why I Don't Eat Honey...

Isn't it basically just glorified bee poo?



Or maybe it's bee puke. That's not much better.

Anonymity...

I find it interesting that I have a semi-daily dialogue with many of you, yet have no idea what some of you look like. Here is a list of the people on my blogroll I don't think I've ever seen a picture of. This is in no way a request for pictures. I respect the fact that some of you want to remain anonymous. Plus, I kind of like the mystery:

Echo
Marni
Big Orange
Jen @ Casual Slack
Zed (anyone heard from her lately?)
Nobody @ My Blog Is About Nothing
Gizmorox
Hootch & Cootch
Dale
K.I.D.
Dick Small
Scarlet
Coffeypot
BUBS
Hapabukbuk
Wonderturtle
Writeprocrastinator

Until I have proof, I'll just assume you all look like this, okay?

3-D Architecture...

I can remember when I first moved up here ten years ago, I was still drawing everything with a pencil. Now I can do stuff like this. This is a mock-up I did for what my own house might one day look like. I even found jpegs of the posters I have on my walls and superimposed them into the model. It's so much easier now to show clients what their home will look like.

I'll Give You $5...

I don't suppose any of you have any bunion stories you'd like to sell me.

Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due...

Usually when I do a post like this, it's to gripe about some product not living up to its promises. In this case, I am prepared to offer praise.

The Ziploc bags with the Double Zipper Seal are a vast improvement over the ones with the single zipper. You can really get a sense that the fucker's closed. With the old ones, I'd always have to check to make sure, which wasted tons of my valuable time.

Don't get me started on the whole "yellow and blue make green" debacle. What a sham!

The Biggest Nerd I Ever Knew...

And for those smart alecks out there, no, it's not me.

There was this kid I went to junior high with that was the personification of the word "nerd". Let me start by coming clean. I'm sure there were plenty of times I was guilty of tormenting this poor kid. I like to think that, knowing what I know now, I'd be a little more sympathetic, but I was in junior high and junior high kids are fucking cruel. However, he did bring a lot of it on himself.

First of all, he had all the textbook signs and symptoms of a nerd. He wore uncool clothes (probably Garanimals) and shoes. He neither washed nor combed his hair. He walked funny and he sucked at sports. His mom used to drop him off by the bike racks each day right in front of the gathered masses of pre-pubescent vultures ready to give him his daily dose of early morning shit. Looking back, I'm impressed that he had the fortitude not to resort to a Columbine-style rampage.

There were two things he did that elevated him above just your run-of-the-mill nerds. One was that he wrote love letters to a handful of the most popular girls in our class. In them, he described how he had fantasies about them. Big mistake. The notes instantly became public and he had nowhere to run.

The other thing he did that really baffled me was what he did in the gym locker room. At the beginning of the school year, you had to purchase a gym uniform. The guy's uniform included a jockstrap. None of us ever wore it except him. What he would do, in order to never be completely naked, was put the jock on over his underwear and then stretch the legholes of the briefs down around his ankles. It required a lot of coordination and a lot of extra time - enough time that the rest of us noticed and gathered around him in a chorus of taunts. He did this every day.

Given my disdain for bullies, it saddens me that I didn't have the balls to stick up for this kid, or at least give him some tips on how to fly under the radar. I guess I was too nervous that one wrong step and I'd be exposed for the nerd that I was, too. That's how I remember junior high - living in fear. The best bet was to keep a low profile. One moment everything could be fine, but one embarassing fuck-up and you'd be eating lunch by yourself for the rest of the year.

By the way, doing an image search for "jockstrap" is not something I intend to do again any time soon.