You Call It A Birdie...

I call it a shuttlecock.

I mean, given the option, what the fuck do you THINK I'd call it!?

On The Subject Of Names...

I wonder if former tennis bad boy Ilie Nastase and Rastafari messiah Haile Selassie ever met.

Bebe Rebozo...

I don't care if he was chummy with Nixon.

The guy's got a cool-sounding name.

Baseball Cliches...

As I've written before, I used to play a shitload of baseball growing up, both organized and informal. I remember playing from dawn til dusk on many occasions. I even used to play a two-on-two version with a pitcher and an outfielder. It involved "pitcher's hands" (you're out if the pitcher had the ball before you got to first) and invisible men on base. I can remember the goofy shit we'd say when people were up. They include:

• Hit it where they ain't!
• Give it a ride!
• Show 'em where you live! (which didn't make sense, for instance, if you lived somewhere in the direction of foul territory).
• See it and hit it!
• Keep your eye on the ball!
• Just like batting practice!
• Pick your pitch!
• Good eye!
• A hit's a run! (if there were men in scoring position)
  
• Just make contact!
• Alright, Joe! Start us off! (to a lead-off hitter)
• C'mon, Bill! Li'l bingo!
  
• A walk's as good as a hit!
  
• For the love of god, Lester! Don't strike out again!
  

Now I Know Why My Recent Posts Have Sucked So Bad...

I shaved my beard.

It was the source of my blogging power.

I Hope I Didn't Frighten Anyone With That Last Post...

The fact is, I don't really have a barbed wire tattoo. I was stuck for something to blog about. I thought to myself, "What makes today different from most days?" I noticed I was wearing a short sleeve shirt for the first time since last fall. The post just sort of grew organically from there.

I'm really a big ol' pussycat - non-threatening in every possible way.

Except when it comes to playing Euchre. I go for the fucking throat and don't take prisoners, so look the fuck out. I'm serious, asswipe...

Tough Guy...

It's actually warm enough to wear a short sleeve shirt today.

Of course, that means that everyone gets a good look at my bitchin' barbed wire tattoo. It lets people know I mean business and don't take shit from anyone. In other words, I don't fuck around.

You got a fuckin' problem with that?

I didn't think so.

Documentary Film Of The Day - Street Fight...

If you like political theater, you will like this movie. It deals with the Newark, NJ mayoral race between Cory Booker, an idealistic newcomer, and Sharpe James, the charismatic incumbent. This movie has it all: dirty tricks, intimidation, lies, and smears - everything we've come to expect from American politics, but on a very local scale. I highly recommend this one. You can read more about it HERE.

Say It Ain't So, Mo!...

'Brady' Star Reveals Bout With Cocaine, Bulimia
McCormick Says Problems Started At 17

The actress who played Marcia Brady on the classic television sitcom "The Brady Bunch" is revealing some serious issues from her past. Maureen McCormick told People magazine that she used to snort cocaine and suffer from bulimia. McCormick, 50, said that the eating disorder came first, when she went back to public school when she was 17. Then a boyfriend introduced her to cocaine. McCormick said it became clear she has an "addictive personality." After several relapses, McCormick said she cleaned up through therapy and faith. (original article)

Payday!...

My business is weird. Unlike most people, I don't get a regular paycheck every other week or twice a month. I used to when I worked for firms. Now that I work for myself, I get paid in lump sums every so often. Today happens to be one of those days. I need ideas for what to blow my wad on. Here's my list so far:

• a birdfeeder
• crack
• bird seed
• Liquid-Plumr

Anyone have any suggestions?

Common Thievery...

Whatchoo talkin' bout, Dr. Theopolis?

I totally blog-jacked this from my buddy Don's MySpace page. I hope he doesn't mind. It cracks me up!

Sorry...

There really isn't any point to this post.

I was just sick of seeing Tony Snow's punk-ass face.

Anyway, wouldn't you rather look at a
frightened man wearing a diaper?

Smugness Is Not A Good Quality...

Hey! Tony Snow!

Blow me!

Nobody's buying your pathetic explanation for why there should be no subpoenas, no oaths, and no transcripts.

That dog won't hunt anymore, you condescending prick.

Alf Dialogue That, Unfortunately, Never Was...

"Hey Willie! I had sex with your daughter and took a dump on the cat! Ha!"

Rest In Peace...

Larry "Bud" Melman (aka Calvert De Forest)
1921-2007

Shit You Never Hear...

Man, I can't WAIT until we move to North Dakota!

Caving In...

Last night I was talking to Megan. She feels that there is too much gross content on my blog. While I suspect the "female crotch" line in the previous post may have had something to do with it, I have no proof. She wondered why I couldn't do more posts about my cat or post about cuddly puppies or something. As far as male bloggers go, I think I post plenty of cat stuff - more than enough.

But, hey, I'm willing to compromise. I don't mind doing a cute puppy post every now and then. Besides, if it makes her happy, it makes ME happy. Please don't misconstrue this and think Megan is now calling the shots and that I've become a spineless lump, granting her every request. I just think everyone could benefit from a few cute puppy pics every now and then. Here you go, honey. Enjoy!

Another Kick-Ass Invention...

Scented Duct Tape

I don't need to belabor the fact that duct tape is useful for any number of things. We all know it. I know when I need to buy more, I grab the first roll I see at the hardware store, assuming they're all pretty much the same. However, for a few cents more, I'd buy scented duct tape.

I learned from my duvet cover post that it's probably an uphill battle trying to get men excited about buying bedding. I don't think I'll have the same struggle with scented duct tape. The trick is to come up with the fragrances men will appreciate. Here are a few to consider:

• Bacon (obviously)
• WD-40
• Beer
• Sawdust
• Polyurethane (Satin or High Gloss)
• Mown grass
  
• Bourbon
  
• Pistachio
• Female crotch

Now, you're probably wondering, "Did I read that right? I can't believe it! Did he REALLY say pistachio? Pistachios don't really have a smell, do they?"

Maybe not, but fuck, it's just a goofy blog post. Nothing to get worked up about.

Sneezing...

All day I've been having these sneezing false alarms.

I'll feel it coming on, tilt my head back, mouth agape, and raise my hand to block it.

Then, nothing...

It's fucking frustrating.

Wah Wah Wee Wah...

I finally got this movie from Netflix and watched it yesterday. Let me start by saying, I've seen all the "Da Ali G Show" episodes and laughed my ass off. I love humor that catches people off-guard. I love humor that comes from embarassment. And, in case you haven't noticed, I LOVE humor that comes from vulgarity.

Given all this, I'm surprised I didn't like this movie more than I did. Sure, I laughed out loud at certain points, but it wasn't the gut-buster I was expecting.

Sick Day!...

Sorry I missed you all yesterday.

The "snot-monster" has once again reared its ugly head.
I'm drowning in it!

Fuck it...

I suppose I could join in the chorus that's calling for this douchebag's ouster, but what's the point? He'll only be replaced by some other douchebag.

I must admit, The Bush Administration has been successful at one thing - wearing me down.

There have been far too many times in the past where I've said to myself, "Self, you watch. This is the thing that's gonna bring these guys to their knees." Every time I've been wrong. You might say, "Well, his poll numbers are in the toilet." Big fucking deal. He's still gonna do what the fuck he wants. He has a strong enough apparatus set up to run interference for him. The other thing he has going for him is the fact that most people just don't give a fuck. I know there's a democratic congress now, but I just don't think they have the nerve to really hold people to account. I hope I'm wrong.

I mean, if people can't see through this shit by now, nothing I do or say will change that.

I'm still going to mock and deride these turdsicles at every opportunity. I'm just done trying to sell it to those who refuse to admit what a bunch of crooked fucking bitches these people are.

*Fuck count for this post=5

Animal House...

You know, this movie is just too fucking good.

Assman Update #2...

I'm pleased to report that, as of his last check-up, The Assman's glucose levels are now within the desired range. He is once again eating normally and is pretty much back to his old self. This is a pic Megan took of my twice-daily ritual. As you can see, he is unphased by the whole procedure. Thanks to everyone for your support!

Heads Up...

I know some of my readers frequent ebay.com. If any of y'all spot any of Doug Henning's old outfits for sale over there, please let me know.

I'm bored to death with my current wardrobe and I'm in the market for more sequined outfits with lots of starbursts and rainbows on them.