4/30/2007

Landlords...

Last night I got into a conversation with a friend of mine about bad landlords we've had. My last landlord was a nightmare. Despite my requests, she took a year and a half to repair a leaky roof - a leak that I had nothing to do with. It finally got to the point that when it rained, it didn't just drip like a leaky faucet. No, there was a continuous stream of water that would soak my kitchen floor. There were all sorts of problems with the place, but I learned early on that trying to get her to fix something was futile. She tried to stick me with a, get this, $1700 cleaning bill after I moved out. I ignored it and she never followed up.

I thought I had it bad, but my friend's took the prize. He lived for a year in Jersey City in an apartment that, according to him, should've been condemned. He had roaches, mice, and a huge snake that lived beneath his floor. One day, his landlord knocked and asked to use his bathroom. He let him in and went back to whatever he'd been doing. When he went to use the bathroom, he found his toilet and the area surrounding it drenched with piss. The guy hadn't even made an effort to get it in the bowl. The next time he tried this, my friend wouldn't let him in, despite the landlord telling him he had to and that, after all, he was the landlord.

A later encounter involved his landlord instructing him that the water bill was too high and that it was his fault. Nevermind the fact that he lived alone and beneath him was a family of ten in the same size apartment as his. Hmm, I wonder who was using all the water!

The landlord took him outside and showed him a water main valve on the outside of the house. He told him that he was supposed to shut off the water each day when he left for work. My friend told him to go fuck himself and that he wasn't going to shut off everyone in the building's water. The landlord proceeded to shut the water off himself. My friend told him he'd just wait until he got in his car and turn it right back on. The landlord warned him at this point not to, and things were getting heated. The landlord got in his car and my friend turned the valve back on, screaming in a George Constanza voice, "I TURNED IT BACK ON!" as the guy drove away.

We decided the best landlords are the ones that fix broken shit promptly, leave you the hell alone, and don't pee all over your bathroom.

9 comments:

Skylers Dad said...

I would probably take 2 out of 3 of those from a landlord.

Big Orange said...

what sort of grown man can't pee into a toilet? I mean, other than ME, of course.

We had a slumlord once, we just told her 'bout it and let the shit break.

vikkitikkitavi said...

I work at a small company, and we have unisex bathrooms. There's a guy I work with that just pisses all over the floor. It's ridiculous. And this guy's an exec! He makes over 100k a year! And he pisses on the floor, even though he knows his coworkers are going to know it's him!

Anyway, after I got piss on my pantlegs once, I learned to throw down towels before going in. But then I was even more angry that I was mopping up someone else's pee. So then I put up a sign that said "please do not urinate on the floor."

Worked like a charm.

GETkristiLOVE said...

I had a creepy landlord that promised to let me out of the last month of rent, at a pro-rated rate if I helped find the next renters for the place. I had to do the work and show the place before it was empty so that the DAY AFTER I moved out, they'd move in and he wouldn't lose a dime for a day with an empty place. After I did all this, he ended up renigging on the deal and demanded I pay for the rest of the month even though I was out and the new people were in (learned a valuable lesson on verbal agreements back then).

But by some strange twist of fate, the last rent check I handed him never got cashed. I thought he may have reconsidered so after a year, I canceled payment on it. Then get this - three years later, he must of found the check and cashed it. My bank let it through, which was their mistake so they quickly credited my account with one phone call and I'm sure deducted from his account. THEN ON TOP OF ALL THAT, the slimeball called me at work a few weeks later and tried to get me to write him another check. I never laughed so loud and got so much joy from hanging up on someone before!!!

lulu said...

My landlords are so perfect that I might never leave my building. A cleaning lady comes once a week to vacuum the halls and clean all the windows in the foyers and stairwells, plus she mops the laundry room floors . If anything breaks, they are there within a day, and they have raised my rent a grand total of 25 dollars in 5 years. Oh, and they decorate for every holiday, so we have Christmas lights in the courtyard, and the trees are strung with little hearts at Valentines Day.

Beth said...

I had that streaming-fountain-in-bedroom, one that left mildew everywhere. My landlord didn't do anything until I moved — and was shocked when he saw the damage his slackassedness has caused. Oh, his name? Mr. Roper.

Dave said...

I also have a good landlord. It's a big building. The handyman crew are a supermodels. Now, if I could only get people to pick up after their dog.

Johnny Yen said...

I had an apartment right after college that was managed by a big real estate management firm here in Chicago-- not that I'd mention "Dimensions Management." My bathtub stopped draining, and I would have to bail it every time I used it. Despite the fact that the janitor lived in the building, they ignored repeated phone calls to fix it.

When my last month approached, I got a letter stating that under no circumstances were they going to let me use the security deposit as the last months rent.

Just watch me, I thought.

kirelimel said...

I had a landlord with scars all over his angry face and a hook hand. He knew it intimadated us and would purposely use our backdoor which was located just outside the window of our bathroom. The window was covered with that frosty contact paper so all we'd see was his silhouette and hear the scrapey knock of his hook.
Of course, everyone has their good points, he almost never peed on our floor.