11/20/2006

The day that Chris pulled the bug out of his ass…

It may be hard to believe, but when Chris was seventeen years old, he wasn’t the open-minded, politically-charged, socially-conscious codger he is today. In fact, if you told his friends in 1990 that by 2006 Chris would not only be politically-charged and socially-conscious, but would use such crass terms as cunt-ass peehole, we would have thought you were nuts.

Ferris Bueller made the following observation about his friend Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off:

Pardon my French but Cameron is so tight, that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond!

Similar observations could be made about Chris. He was a good, upstanding, suburban Christian kid who didn’t want to get in to trouble and have his parents mad at him. It was actually quite respectable…if you were his grandmother!

That all changed one Friday evening in May of 1990. Chris was left to watch the homestead while his parents, brother, and sister went on vacation. A bunch of us were out at a party at a friend’s house, and we had started harping on Chris about having a party while his parents were out of town. During our senior year, a bunch of us had hosted parties while our parents were out of town, and we wanted Chris to do the same.

The conversation turned to what type of party Chris could host, and someone jokingly said Chris should host Jell-O wrestling. Chris immediately shot down the idea, but we all persisted. It took almost two hours to convince him, but Chris finally caved at about 10:00pm. We immediately left the party, went to various supermarkets in
Elmhurst, and purchased as much Jell-O as we could carry. From there we went to Andy’s house and started making a lot of Jell-O. At the end of the night, each of us took several Tupperware containers of Jell-O home to store in our refrigerators.

The next day, we went to Chris’s house to prepare. Chris’s parents had just remodeled the basement, and Chris didn’t want to get anything sticky, so we had to cover his bedroom in Hefty bags. We also had to cover all the windows, so none of the neighbors could look in on what we were doing. We used the remainder of the Jell-O to make Jell-O shots. Guido went out and bought a kiddy pool. We called girls on the phone and gauged their interest in participating on the fight card for the evening. We called our friend Brian and made sure he was bringing his video camera.

That night, Chris hosted the party. We ran it like a WWF event. We interviewed all of the participants and their managers. Our friend Geoff was the ringside announcer. Our friend Garth beat his girlfriend Stephanie in the first match. Guido beat his girlfriend Tracey in the second match. Andy and I beat Christie and Jennifer in a tag-team match, and won the coveted Jell-O belt. People had sex in Chris’s shower. There was Jell-o dripping from the ceiling. Guido (clad in nothing but his skivvies) slipped on the Hefty bags and hit the ground with a thud. It was great.

As I was helping Chris mop up after the party, I remembered thinking that he was a pretty cool guy when he let his hair down. Luckily for all of us, Chris began letting his hair down a lot more in the ensuing years, and became the open-minded, politically-charged, socially-conscious codger I spoke of at the beginning of this post.

On a personal note, I was the steward of the Jell-O wrestling video tape for the last sixteen years. My plan was to transfer the tape to my computer, put the clips up on YouTube, and show you it in its entirety over the next week. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost this little slice of Chris history, and cannot provide a visual account of the event. Just picture a bunch of seventeen and eighteen year olds drenched in Jell-O and you can get a general idea of how the evening turned out.

22 comments:

Flannery Alden said...

Nice.

Teri said...

I'm actually amazed at the prep time that this party took.

why were the guys wrestling the girls? it's usually two girls wrestling and the guys standing around with drool hanging from their open mouths...

oh, and how convenient that you no longer have this visual evidence!

Frank Sirmarco said...

Teri: I'm totally bummed out by this turn of events. There was a TON of YouTube-ready footage that could have been shown. I think I accidentally left the tape in a VHS machine that I donated to AMVETS. Boo!

Big Orange said...

I'm trying to visualize, but I'm having trouble without that streaming video. Is there ANOTHER one that's similar that you can point me to?

Valerie (Bunso) said...

Ahh, details of the infamous Jell-O wrestling event. I had only heard snippets of it soon after it happened. At the time, in my mind, it was all a rumor. And since you still don't have evidence, I may have to keep believing it as such.

Anonymous said...

I think YouTube (and the internets in general) may breathe a sigh of relief.

However, if you still have a T-shirt for the abandoned sequel party, it'd be worth a scan.

Frank Sirmarco said...

Big Orange: Try a film called Shacking Up...that might have what you need.

Bunso: Just because there's no visual evidence doesn't mean it never happened.

Geo: I'd have to do some serious searching to find the T-Shirt...

Grant Miller said...

Lovely story. I don't recall attending the party, but I know the stories. I may have been at an Inspiral Carpets concert rocking out to pussy rock.

Grant Miller said...

Shacking Up? Why does that title ring a bell? A video Jim left in my VHS?

Anonymous said...

Thank GOD you included those valuable links to jell-o and tupperware so I can plan a party like this myself!

And I bet the AMVETS are having a great time watching that tape.

Anonymous said...

Frank: Well, shit, dude. Search!

Grant: Does the phrase "show me your white eye" ring a bell?

Coaster Punchman said...

Would it be legal to post pictures of scantily clad Jell-O-covered seventeen year olds? Just curious.

Grant Miller said...

Geo - Jeez, yes that phrase rings a bell, but I cannot place it, other than it had a disgusting connotation

Frank Sirmarco said...

Geo: Couldn't find the T-shirt, but I did find a Turkey-Bowl invite from 1991...

Geo & Grant: I think 'Shacking Up' happened at a Burnfest...possibly the same one when Mark called Jorie as Jeff Gee and told her he was breaking up with her because she looked like Grimus.

Frank Sirmarco said...

Oops...Doug Gee.

Anonymous said...

Defintely a Burnfest, as part of a double feature involving, I believe, "Growing Up" as well.

Can't remember if that's the one where we handcuffed Marc Diulio to a bannister, tho.

Valerie (Bunso) said...

Frank: I think it's spelled Grimace (not Grimus). I had never heard that was the reason why Doug broke up with her.

But it's not as good as the story about the guy who thought he had sex with Jori, but it ended up just being her thigh...she didn't have the heart to tell him the truth (aside from being embarrassed her thigh had that many folds).

Frank Sirmarco said...

Valerie: That's why Google searches don't always work...I put in "grimace" + "mcdonalds" and Google said, "Do you mean Grimus?"

Go figure!

And by the way, that wasn't the reason Doug broke up with her; it was just a mean prank call that Mark made to Jorie at 4:00am...

Anonymous said...

I'm alittle freaked out.

Chris said...

Hey guys! I'm fucked up in Charlotte, NC after a night of $1.00 PBR's and I happen to have a computer with intronets access in my guest room. I read all the comments here and I wanted to provide my recollections of the events. As far as I can remember, the Shackin' Up/Growin' Up discovery came during the very first Burnfest. I believe this was the one where Josh lost it during a game of Blind Man's Bluff. This was the one where we broke an egg over Andy's head as he slept. It was ill-concieved and not all that funny. Then you guys pulled the "Great Great America Fake-Out" on me, which was a piece of practical joke mastery. For some reason, I don't think Mark was at that first one, but he WAS at the second one. I believe the after-hours Jori call came then. This was the same one where you poured Maple Syrup over my head as you smeared butter (what was the deal with us & butter?) into my head and drew on me with Magiic Markers. I didn't like that one too much. The DiIulio handcuffing came during the third one I believe. If there is disagreement, let me know. For those of you who don't know what the fuck we're talikg about, my apologies...

Frank Sirmarco said...

I was not at the first Burnfest, but I did see 'Shacking Up' and 'Growing Up'. It had to be the second burnfest.

Chris said...

I believe both of those films were part of the "My First Porn" collection from Fisher-Price (TM).