Memories Of Chris, Vol I

Echo here, everyone. Just crashing the party to share a story about Chris and I from our days as missionaries in Guatemala.

When Chris and I were nineteen, we decided to take a cross country trip - to become one with nature, to paddle the rivers of our discontent, and to drink Old Milwaukee. It was an uneasy ride fraught with teen angst and bewilderment at a world that was passing us by. Chris was unsure of the world around him. I was unsure of the phalanx of Japanese soldiers, all in their seventies and eighties, who were unaware that WWII was over, blocking our path to freedom.

When we reached Antigua, all hell broke loose. Sure, we had no business paddling out of the Des Plaines River into the Gulf of Mexico, and I'm guessing that neither of us was aware of our relative proximity to Japan in those days.

The first eighteen hours of our captivity were challenging, but then we never expected to have to compete against each other for immunity. The soldiers had erected an obstacle course with vast pits of Jell-O (filled with half naked men and women hell bent on stalling our forward progress) and a table filled with sticks of butter to be eaten before a victor would be crowned.

At stake, of course, was an immunity idol lovingly constructed out of spider monkey feces and play doh - for authenticity. We clubbed each other senseless. Bloody, battered, and broken by the anguish inflicted upon us by our captors, Chris begged me to negotiate with the terrorists for our freedom. I couldn't bring myself to do it. We would have to fight on!

Chris, of course, was more experienced in those days at Jell-O wrestling and eating butter than I, and so, naturally, he won. (You really should see him eat butter. He's like the fucking Kobayashi of the Competitive Dairy Fat Eating Community!)

Ultimately, I did negotiate with the terrorists and Chris received an incentive-laden, multi-year contract with the Yakult Swallows to be the team mascot. Chris is now in Japan, just north of Van Nuys, hoping to return home one day. I am still on the island trying to wiggle my way through the Jell-O wrestling section of the obstacle course. It's all so slippery. I'm thinking this could take a while. Thank gods for free wireless internet service!!!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it... Oh, and one other thing... Butter is not a good tanning agent. Somebody please send some Neo-sporin; the blisters are starting to hurt....