Anyway, I used to dabble in internet dating until I realized I was having minimal success considering the money I was paying. I've compiled an easy guide detailing key words or phrases that should be red flags when it comes to pursuing someone online. They include:
- I enjoy long walks on the beach. This is about as lazy a cliche as you'll find. I live near a shitload of beaches and, according to Match.com, they should be teeming with these supposed "long-walkers". Strange thing is, I never see them. They also aren't limited to coastal areas or places with lots of lakes. You'll find many of these people in Oklahoma and Nebraska, too.
- I like NASCAR and Tractor Pulls. OK, I guess I could tolerate one or the other, but not both. The two together create some sort of toxic sludge that I'm gonna do my best to avoid. Women like this are rampant in these parts.
- Any profile that mentions Jesus more than 50 times in one paragraph. I don't really need to explain why this one is a non-starter, do I? Cool.
- I don't want someone who plays games. You see this one a lot. I have the sneaking suspicion that the person that writes this is actually a huge game player. And what's so bad about playing games? Are they saying no more "Chutes & Ladders"? What about "Candyland"?
- I love to travel. Obviously. Who doesn't love to travel. Again, lazy. These women usually claim to love camping, too.
- I just got out of a serious relationship. Translation: My ex is a psychotic stalker, so consider yourself warned.
- I am easy-going. This is usually a good thing by any count. The problem is 50% of the people that say this confuse easy-going with boring-as-hell.
- I'm looking for something serious. This woman wants to have babies immediately. If this is not your desire, run for the hills!