11/10/2006

More Thoughts About Internet Dating...

Yes, I can hear your collective groans (*cough*Vikki). You're thinking, "Aw, shit! Not more bellyaching about how hard it is to find a girlfriend, you whiner!" Not to fear. I was inspired to do this post by Anne over at Two Can Anne. For those of you who haven't checked her out, she is, if not one of the most irreverent bloggers, certainly one of the most prolific. She's spent some time as of late bemoaning the low quality of men to be found via these dating sites. She has no idea! She should check out the crop of Northern Michigan women on Match.com. Whoa!

Anyway, I used to dabble in internet dating until I realized I was having minimal success considering the money I was paying. I've compiled an easy guide detailing key words or phrases that should be red flags when it comes to pursuing someone online. They include:
  • I enjoy long walks on the beach. This is about as lazy a cliche as you'll find. I live near a shitload of beaches and, according to Match.com, they should be teeming with these supposed "long-walkers". Strange thing is, I never see them. They also aren't limited to coastal areas or places with lots of lakes. You'll find many of these people in Oklahoma and Nebraska, too.
  • I like NASCAR and Tractor Pulls. OK, I guess I could tolerate one or the other, but not both. The two together create some sort of toxic sludge that I'm gonna do my best to avoid. Women like this are rampant in these parts.
  • Any profile that mentions Jesus more than 50 times in one paragraph. I don't really need to explain why this one is a non-starter, do I? Cool.
  • I don't want someone who plays games. You see this one a lot. I have the sneaking suspicion that the person that writes this is actually a huge game player. And what's so bad about playing games? Are they saying no more "Chutes & Ladders"? What about "Candyland"?
  • I love to travel. Obviously. Who doesn't love to travel. Again, lazy. These women usually claim to love camping, too.
  • I just got out of a serious relationship. Translation: My ex is a psychotic stalker, so consider yourself warned.
  • I am easy-going. This is usually a good thing by any count. The problem is 50% of the people that say this confuse easy-going with boring-as-hell.
  • I'm looking for something serious. This woman wants to have babies immediately. If this is not your desire, run for the hills!

13 comments:

Teri said...

Funny!

does meeting "friends of friends" ever work?

mixednut said...

So very true!
And funny as hell.
The thing about internet dating is that the possibilites are enormous.
But when people are less than truthful about themselves, it can be discouraging.

Big Orange said...

that's brilliant!

vikkitikkitavi said...

Alright, you can complain all you want. And I agree about the whole "don't like games" thing. You just know there's a story there you DON'T want to hear, but if you dated them, they would insist on telling you. Probably more than once.

Reminder: I found my Spooney online, but I wouldn't recommend Match.com. Too generic. The cool people use Springstreet Personals, which you can access through Nerve, or The Onion, or Salon, etc.

Teri said...

how about eHarmony?

lulu said...

teri... I wrote about my experiment with eHarmony a while back. It wasn't pretty. http://landolulu.blogspot.com/2006/09/29-dimensions-of-compatibility.html#links

san said...

excellent blog

sahil said...

nice blog

sahil11 said...

Excellent. I will add this link to our Resource centre website - you've done a great job.

Ed Padgett said...

Enjoyed your breakdown of red flags for online dating.

Personally, I am with Match for two more months, and have had positive and negative experiences.

One lady I met in person at Starbucks had gained, at the minimum, sixty pounds since her pictures were taken. And she wondered why I wasn't interested in buying her another cup of coffee?

Good luck everyone,
Edward

Anonymous said...

Have you thought about relocating to somewhere with a larger pool of eligible bachelorettes? Of course, most of those women are probably way into the Nascar/tractor pull/monster truck show scene.

Chris said...

Teri- Not so far. I don't know what it is, but the people others say "would be perfect for me" usually aren't.
mixednut- Bingo! Like don't put down that you're "middle of the road" politically if you are a rabid Dubya supporter.
B.O.- Thanks!
Vikki- I totally agree that online dating CAN be successful and it seems a more efficient route than trolling bars. For some reason I've been jinxed.
Ed- Welcome! I had one date with a woman that was wary of posting a picture (another red flag I forgot), but described herself as "classically beautiful". Not so much...
Megan- I'm hoping my effervescent charm and rugged good looks will convince them to come to me. However, I'm not holding my breath...

Coaster Punchman said...

If I were single, I would post an ad stating that I hate long walks on the beach, and that the beach is in fact made for reading books, sleeping and drinking beer.