Yes, I Actually Know Chris.

Whenever I meet people and tell them I know Chris, they always ask "What's he really like?"

And I always answer, "He's nice."

As is understandable, Chris generates a lot of controversy and is at the center of many urban legends. I hope to dispel some of the more fanciful ones here.

Is it true Chris lost both his kidneys to thieves?

Chris did not lose both his kidneys to thieves. This rumor started because Chris regularly sleeps in a tub of ice.

Is it true that Chris was the only real person ever depicted on a Pez dispenser?

No. The only real person ever depicted on a Pez dispenser was Betsy Ross. Oddly, Chris owns a cat named Betsy Ross.

Is it true Chris' real name is "Christopher?"

Yes. His real name is Christopher. He earned his street name, "Chris," in Boy Scouts.

Is it true that Chris is the founder of a Satanic cult in Michigan?

Chris is does not belong to a Satanic cult in Michigan.

Is it true that Chris was the model for the Gerber Baby?

No. Humphrey Bogart was the Gerber baby. Chris was the Morton's Salt girl.


Anonymous said...

I knew it. He doesn't belong to a Satanic Cult... but he is the founder.

Anonymous said...

AMAZING! You'd think you knew a guy who you haven't really spoken to much since 6th grade home room with Mr. Swanson. And then there you go.

Big Orange said...

you said "michigan." What about all those cults in Tennesee? Didn't I read in TIME that he had something to do with those??

oh, and I rememeber the Betsy Ross Pez dispenser!! I wonder how much those things are going for on eBay these days??

vikkitikkitavi said...

I'm going to assume then, since you didn't dispel it, than if Chris is driving at night toward my car and flashes his brights at me, I should not flash back or he will kill me.