I Can't Stand Headlines Like This...

Hey, look everybody! The president is envisioning something!

I see headlines like this all the time on my Yahoo home page. Is it just me or does "envisioning" something seem just a bit un-newsworthy? I mean, fuck, I can envision a democratic Middle East free of oppression, too. Big deal. That's not fucking news. I can envision a place where the streets are paved with bacon, too. Just envisioning something does not rise to the level of essential information. How about some fucking news for a change?

My Biggest Source Of New Visitors...

I am amazed how much of my traffic comes from Google searches for "Sandy Duncan Glass Eye". I did THIS POST a while back. I'd say about 75% percent of my visitors find me this way. I never knew there was so much interest in Ms. Duncan's glass eye (or lack thereof, as the case may be). Turns out I'm second only to her IMDb.com profile when you do THIS SEARCH.

On a semi-unrelated note, I still hold the #2 slot for "Cunt-Ass Peehole". The only one above me is Frank and his was a post that referenced mine. I take some pride in this.

To Avoid Future Confusion...

This is a Pork Pie Hat.

This is a Porcupine Hat.

What's With All The Political Shit Lately?...

In case you missed "The Daily Show" last night, here is a classic example of someone being called on their bullshit. Why Doug Feith thought going on with Jon Stewart was a good idea escapes me. This interview made me angry - angry that it takes a guy on Comedy Central to finally hold this asshole's feet to the fire. I've seen Doug Feith on legitimate news programs and none of them even came close to questioning him this hard. It's in two parts:

Another Lame, Jay Leno-esque Joke That's Bound In To Be In His Monologue Tonight...

As many of you know, first daughter Jenna Bush got married over the weekend. It was a beautiful ceremony.

We are still waiting to see the pictures of Dick Cheney doing the Chickenhawk Dance at the reception.

I Couldn't Help Myself...

I fucking love outtakes. Especially ones of jackasses like Bill O'Reilly losing their cool. This from his "Inside Edition" days. There is bad language, so consider yourselves warned.

Edited to add: Hmm, big fucking shocker that this one got yanked. You can still check it out if you want HERE.

A $3 Bill May Be Queer, But...

...a $7 bill is downright insane!

However, according to THIS REPORT, Dubya is anxious to institute this new denomination of currency before his term is up.

Why is having a seven dollar bill important, you ask?

Dubya has his reasons:

• "It will remind people that Jesus had seven disciples."
• "It's like a five, but two better."
• "I could use it to buy a supersized Bacon, Beef, & Cheddar value meal at Arby's and not have to break a ten."
• "Presidents like Hamilton and Franklin got to be on money, so why not me?"
• "Seven rhymes with seventeen and seventeen is awesome!"
• "I like caterpillars."
  
• "It pays tribute to our nation's seven co-equal branches of government."

The $3 Trillion Shopping Spree...

I know this is a little hokey, but it is kind of fun to have $3 Trillion to play around with. I managed to pick up:

• Housing for America's homeless
• New clothing, shoes, coats, and school supplies for ten million children
• Universal health care for every American
• Sustainable agriculture education worldwide
• Every song in the iTunes library

and I finished repairing the damage done by Katrina.

And I haven't even spent half of my money yet! What would you guys get?

Try it HERE.

Thursday Blog Picture Purge...

Time once again to burp out a few of the pictures I grabbed during my many image searches. These are pics I thought might someday come in handy, but have now become moldy in my "blog" folder. Feel free to use them for your own creative purposes:

I like how it indicates that this is, in fact, an "official photo"
and stresses it with an exclamation point.

I was going to use this one in a post about how George Will
is a fucking wanker, but I lost interest.

OK, Time To Get Going Now...

I'm all for the democratic process running its course, but it's time to face facts. It ain't gonna happen. You've had plenty of opportunity to fling poo at your opponent and, to your credit, some of it stuck.

But not enough.

Don't be a baby. Do the right thing and admit that it's over. Please?

The look on your face is not encouraging. You're gonna stick around, aren't you?

Crap.

Love Is...

...wearing matching corn t-shirts.

Different Types Of Fans...

When Megan watches the Cubs with me, she says things like:

• Go Cubs GO!
• Come on, buddy!
• Oh, you didn't get there in time, but good hustle!
• Nice try! Nice try, buddy!
• Good eye!
• Ooo, I don't know if I would've swung at that.
• That's too bad.
• Nice play! (she says that to both teams)
• Nice hit!
• Aw, next time...
  

When I watch the Cubs, I say things like this:

• Fucking Cubs.
• Stupid fucking Cubs.
• Come on, fucking Cubs!
• Come on, dickhead, just get a fucking hit.
• Fucking shitty-ass fucking Cubs.
• Aw, fucking shit!
• This is possibly the worst team of all time.
• Oh, look. He's behind in the count. Big fucking shock.
• Losers. Absolute fucking losers.
• It's not that hard to hit a fucking home run, dude.
  

I know I'm a drag to watch a Cubs game with, but it comes from a lifetime's worth of being the fan of a losing organization. Don't get me wrong, I'll always be a fan. It's just that I feel I've earned the right to be hard on the Cubs. I always start with the assumption that they'll find a way to lose, and when they don't, I'm pleasantly surprised. I do hope they win it all some day, but I'm not holding my breath.

Strike three. Cubs just lost to the shitty-ass fucking Cardinals. Fuck.

Anomaly...

I've noticed that when I don't post anything for a few days, the average visits per day on my SiteMeter tend to increase at a far quicker rate than when I post stuff every day. So, I figure if I don't post anything for the rest of the year, I'll eventually have the most popular blog on the internet.

Just a bit of warning to you, icanhascheezburger.com. I'm hot on your tail. Pun intended, motherfuckers.

Documentary Film Of The Day: Manda Bala (Send A Bullet)...

OK, I know I'm on a bit of a movie kick right now, but this one should be an immediate add. I can think of no other documentary that has combined Brazilian political corruption, kidnapping, frog-farming, and plastic surgery in such a captivating way. For lack of a better word, this movie is fucking cool. The cinematography is amazing, especially the sweeping shots of Sao Paolo's skyline.

Do yourself a favor and add it to your Netflix queue now. It is also available for instant viewing online. For more, visit the film's website.

Sullivan's Travels...

I'm way behind when it comes to seeing old, classic movies. Today, while home sick, I watched "Sullivan's Travels" based on a recommendation from Jeff Dowd, the guy I posted about earlier.

A lot of times humor doesn't age well, but this movie had me laughing out loud quite a bit. It does a great job of combining witty satire with gags and other physical comedy. If you're not normally into older comedies, but are willing to give one a chance, this would be a good one.

I Don't Usually Rant About Stuff...

...but I don't feel like I can hold it back any longer. Let just me say, I have seen a lot of shit T.V. in my day - some of the worst shit out there - and few programs can compare to the crap-hackery of "Deal Or No Deal". It is so fucking bad. It reminds me of the type of show they'd put in '80s movies as a caricature of what the future of T.V. might look like as it continues to sink to it's lowest, dumbest, basest levels possible. Kind of like in "RoboCop" with the "I'd Buy That For A Dollar!" show or with Richard Dawson's show in "Running Man".

First of all, it's on all the fucking time. I happened upon it last night. I usually avoid it, but I was flipping around and saw the models dressed in the Princess Leia gold bikini, so I watched for a while. What's so annoying about it is that they treat it as if there's a lot of complexity to it, explaining the situation and the contestant's options every fucking time the guy picks a box. And that's all it is. Picking numbers. If you can count to 25 and have even a vague sense of probability and odds, you can go on the show, expend minimal mental energy, and walk out with more money than you had going in. I don't have any problem with people making easy money. I do have a problem with how this show insults our collective intelligence. If you took away all the deliberating and conferring and explaining and re-explaining and asking the models to "help them out", as if they have any control over what's in their box, you'd have something that could essentially be done in two minutes. It's a big fucking sham.

If you need any more convincing this show is an embarrassment, Dubya was on the fucking thing.

Documentary Film Of the Day: The Bridge...

"The Bridge" is a movie I've been putting off watching for a while because I knew it would be difficult. It's a movie about people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Just a word of warning. This movie contains actual scenes of people killing themselves. That said, it is a well-done, powerful film. We learn the back stories of a number of people who jumped during 2004 from the family and friends they left behind. There is also one person who actually survives the jump. Considering it is such sad and tragic subject matter, the film is shot beautifully.

I have only been on the Golden Gate once. It was the start of my cross-country bike ride. It really is awe-inspiring and we were there on a gorgeous day. Despite the excitement of starting the trip and the striking scenery, I distinctly remember feeling uncomfortable until I was off the bridge on the opposite side. I'm not saying it has anything to do with the fact that more suicides take place there than anywhere else in North America, but I was aware of a certain spookiness while I was there.

Things I Learned This Weekend...

• You shouldn't assume four aces is an automatic winning hand when playing poker.
• There is another video out there that rivals "2 Girls, 1 Cup" in its disgustingness.
• Jeremiah Wright does NOT want all white people dead.

Bachelor Party...

I'm driving down to Chicago today for a bachelor party. It's for a friend of mine that I've had since grade school. Most of the people there will be my oldest and closest friends. Having missed the bachelor parties of other friends for various reasons, I'm really looking forward to it. It's so rare, now that people are married and have families, for us to get the chance to hang out sans wives, girlfriends, and kids.

It sounds like it's going to be a pretty simple affair, nothing more than a bunch of beer, grilled meats, and poker, all in one convenient location. Perfect.

I, for one, am looking forward to many deep, heartfelt discussions about what marriage means to each of us. It will be fun to sit around and reminisce about the times we used to dress up and play wedding and remember all the dreams we had as little boys of the day we would finally get to be a groom.

Unto This World, An Ass Is Born...

The St. Louis Zoo welcomed a new baby to its family,
a Somali Wild Ass, a rare wild horse
and one of only 27 in captivity in the U.S.

It is not to be confused with the North American Wise Ass,
which is abundant and reproducing at an alarming rate.




Why is it when I re-read this post,
the voice in my head sounds like Jay Leno?

For Splotchy...

I followed your trail of breadcrumbs and my answer is:

It is anything and everything.
It can be funny, serious, reminiscent, forward-looking, gross, political, angry, playful, or all these at once. Its only limit is your imagination.

Ultimately, I think, it is whoever you are.


The rest of you can play, too.

Lame, Annoying Things I Say, Part 8127...

Whenever it's foggy out (like this morning), I always say,

"Man, is it FROGGY outside!"

The Dude Abides...

Last night I had the pleasure of meeting Jeff "The Dude" Dowd, the real-life inspiration for the iconic movie character Jeffrey "The Dude" Lebowski. He was giving a free talk at the local junior college. The guy has led an interesting life and had plenty of good stories, like hanging out with the Rolling Stones in Italy when he was in high school. He was an anti-war activist and a member of the Seattle Seven. Nowadays he acts as a film consultant and promoter and has been involved in films like "Hearts And Minds" and "Gandhi". He never mentioned whether or not anyone has ever peed on his rug. If someone has, he seems like the kind of guy who'd take it in stride.

My Love List...

Occasionally I look back at my posts and lament how negative many of them are. I am generally a happy person with an optimistic outlook on life. After reading Samurai Frog's list of things he hates (which is excellent, by the way) I thought it was time for a list of things I love in no particular order. Here goes:

1. Megan (who, whenever asked what I should blog about, always replies, "You could write about how much you love me." I always tell her nobody wants to read about that.)
2. Ice-cold Cran-Raspberry Juice. I may tire of it eventually, but right now it's got its hooks in me.
3. A lazy Sunday.
4. My family.
5. A well-done documentary film. Actually, I even like the poorly-done ones.
   
6. Airports. People hate them, but I love them.
7. Chicago sports (also on my hate list).
8. A full tank of gas.
9. A good idea.
10. Jack's frozen mutha-fuckin' pizza.
11. A warm breeze.
12. Making someone laugh really hard. Nothing makes me quite as proud.
13. Accomplishing a task that has been put off for a long time.
14. Sunrise. I love early morning.
15. Ice cream and candy bits mixed together.
16. The smell of pine or cedar.
17. Carving and painting fish decoys.
18. Hardware stores.
    
19. Wrigley Field.
20. Getting pulled over and NOT getting a ticket. It makes me feel victorious.
    
21. Live jazz.
22. Vail, Colorado, minus all the people and development.
23. Clipless pedals.
24. Being barefoot.
25. Rekindling a dying campfire.
26. Otters
27. Finally remembering something I'd been racking my brain about.
28. Putting prepositions at the end of sentences even though you're not supposed to.
29. When there isn't a line (at the bank, DMV, etc.)
30. Fall
31. A sunny winter day.
32. Late spring.
33. Lobster.
34. Early summer.
35. The unexpected.
36. Having a fat wad of cash on me (I usually use a credit card).
37. Baraka
38. Fresh bread that's crispy outside and chewy inside.
39. Having just enough at the end of a roll of toilet paper for one last wipe.
40. When I know the final Jeopardy answer and none of the eggheads on the show do.
41. Megan's crabcakes and hushpuppies. Pretty much all her cooking.
42. Singing really loud when no one is around. And sometimes when other ARE around.
    
43. Re-connecting with old friends.
44. Crack.
45. Heroin.
46. PCP.
47. Crystal Meth.
48. Filling in lists like this with nonsense.
49. Hitting a golf ball perfectly and watching it go really far. I could give a shit about getting it in the hole.
50. Jesus, I got to 50 and haven't mentioned the kitties yet.
51. Being able to use "Jesus" as I did in #50 and feeling absolutely no guilt about it.
52. Having all my music stored in something that fits in my pocket.
53. Pork BBQ.
54. Canada.
55. Kayaking.
56. Finishing a crossword puzzle.
57. Coffee table books.
58. Rustic furniture.
59. A good, cleansing poop.
60. Flannel
61. Making it to work without hitting a single red light.
62. Euchre.
63. A couch that you sink right into.
64. Netflix.
65. Freedom, no matter what some may tell you.
66. Having made it this long without owning a cell phone.
67. A bar that has a kick-ass jukebox.
68. Mexican food.
69. This seems like as good a place as any to stop.
    

Yellow Jackets Be Warned...

There aren't many things I hate. I reserve my hatred for the most vile things in our world. One of these is the yellow jacket. I did THIS POST a while back on the subject.

They have been congregating around my deck the last couple summers, annoying me and my guests with their hideous presence. I just want them all to know I will have no mercy for them this year. I am prepared to use whatever means necessary to eradicate every single fucking yellow jacket that crosses my path, even if it is nowhere near my house. I will track them down and kill them, their families, and their friends. And don't anyone give me any crap about how they're a vital part of the ecosystem and they pollinate things and blah blah blah. NO! Fuck that! The other, nicer insects will pick up whatever slack their absence causes.

These motherfuckers have messed with the wrong guy. It's open season on you bastards. Enjoy what's left of your wretched lives, because your days are numbered.