What Could Have Been...

Craving...

I could really fucking go for one of these bad boys right now, but the stupid store by me only ever carries the bogus strawberry ones.

Total bullshit.

I Love Prank Calls...

Especially ones from Mr. Rogers. I just stumbled upon a whole new vein of creativity. Maybe this stuff is old news, but it was cracking me up. There's all sorts of stuff like it to check out.

My Turn...

This came via Dale & Tenacious S. I always knew hula would be the thing to bring Billy and I together.

I'm Still Laughing At This...

I stole this from the incredible blogger Dr. Monkey V.M.
It is so beautifully done.
I hope you appreciate it as much as I did.

*Edited to add:
Apparently, Robert Tilton, the "farting preacher" in the video I posted, had a little problem with how he was being depicted. I hope at least a few of you got to see it before it was yanked (You can still catch them HERE. Thanks, DMVM.). It was fucking brilliant. Even though it's not as good as the other one, here's a similar video. Let's see how long this one lasts.

Anyone Seeing A Pattern?...

I don't know about you, but from now on, anytime I hear a republican stridently condemning "immoral" behavior or heaping judgment on someone else, I'm gonna assume they are either:

paying for sex,

having homosexual sex,

paying for homosexual sex,

or having homosexual sex with children.

Wouldn't it be awesome if all these "moral crusaders" had to start toning their rhetoric down out of fear that they might become suspect of similar behavior. A few more of these cases and it might actually happen.

For the record, as you all know, there is NOTHING wrong with people having homosexual consensual sex. There IS something wrong with being a big ol' hypocrite.

Keeping Tabs On Hollywood...

In light of the recent success of the Transformers movie, Hollywood has discovered a new genre to exploit and eventually run into the ground - movies about old toys.

Shocking, I know.

I've heard that a G.I. Joe movie is in the works. There are also rumors of a movie based on the video game "Joust". In order to help speed up this process, I'm gonna get a few ideas out on the table so that they can get this trend out of their systems. Here are my proposals:


-Sit & Spin!
I figure this one will follow the lead of great "last to best", overcoming the odds-type films like Rocky and Karate Kid. There is a competition looming to see who can complete the most Sit & Spin revolutions in ten minutes. The underdog will be played by some skinny dork from the poor side of town (Jon Heder?) who gets inspiration from his grizzled coach (played by Samuel L. Jackson). His nemesis will be some rich asshole who normally wins the competition every year (Orlando Bloom?). In the end, the skinny kid wins (obviously), he hooks up with the rich kid's hot ex-girlfriend (Jessica Alba?) and the final shot is Samuel L. giving an approving wink to signify a job well done.


-My Dinner With Teddy Ruxpin
While 1981's "My Dinner With Andre" captivated audiences with its simplicity and rich dialogue, it was a touch too highbrow for wide audiences. "My Dinner With Teddy Ruxpin" will be far more family-friendly, something for adults and kids alike. It will feature Wallace Shawn reprising his role opposite Teddy (in the Andre role) as they delve into a wide range of subjects such as happy rainbows, hugs, and woodland creatures over their meal in a French restaurant. The voice of Teddy will be performed by Samuel L. Jackson. Bring your Kleenex.


-Classic Football
This film is based on the old Mattel handheld game. If you remember, the game involved moving a LED blip across a black screen. Somehow, this was supposed to simulate the excitement of an actual football game. For this one, I'm seeing a lot of darkness, like in a Michael Mann film. Something futuristic. Football is being played by cyborgs controlled by greedy defense contractors. A rag-tag bunch of old football pros (led by, you guessed it, Samuel L. Jackson!) want to show that humans can still play football better than the cyborgs, so they challenge them to a monumental battle between man and machine. The cyborgs eventually win and Samuel L. curses a lot. This one has summer blockbuster written all over it.

Baby Names...

Gargamel backwards is Lemagrag.
Both of these make great baby names.

Or, maybe you're bored with the original names you gave your children.
It's never too late to change them if you feel like it.
Remember, until they're eighteen, you call the shots.
It's the law.

Swear Box...

Sorry about the lack of posts today. I'm still worn out from a weekend spent working around the house. Friday and Saturday I spent time putting down vinyl floor tiles in the bathroom to replace some old carpeting that was leftover from the previous homeowners. In my opinion, carpeting doesn't belong in the bathroom. All it does is soak up toilet spray and stray toothpaste spittle.

So Megan had found these inexpensive tiles that were actually pretty nice looking. It didn't seem like it'd be a tough job. My bathroom is small. Unfortunately, there are a lot of corners and not everything is quite square. The instructions said that the tile could be cut with scissors. This proved untrue. I should tell you that I can get frustrated when it comes to working with uncooperative building materials. When that happens, the swearing is soon to follow. I like to call things "pieces of shit" or variations thereof, such as:

• stupid piece of shit
• shitty-ass bitch piece of shit
• cocksucking asshole piece of shit
• fucking stupid-ass garbage piece of shit
• Crap-assing son of a suck dick fucking ballsack piece of shit
  

I think you get the idea. I need to do it so that I don't throw things. However, I'm used to being alone in this situation, so I know I freaked Megan out a bit. The truth is, occasionally I'll notice how ridiculous what I just said was and crack up a little.

After that was completed, I constructed a very rudimentary desktop to be used as a computer workspace. Then I helped Megan finish painting the living/dining rooms. It looks fucking boss. Next time you're in the area, stop by and check it out.

*Edited to add: I couldn't find a picture I liked that was relevant to this post, so I just put up a picture of Cooter from "Dukes Of Hazzard".

Fucking Wasps...

Please Please Please...

God knows I don't ask much. Do me a favor and read THIS ARTICLE in Rolling Stone. If it doesn't make your blood fucking curdle, then I don't know what will. I always knew there was corruption with the private contractors in Iraq, but this article wraps it all up in a hideous package.

What The Hell Is Taking So Long?...

Considering how much time this motherfucker has spent at his Crawford ranch, you'd think he'd have all the damn brush cleared by now.

You don't suppose his little clearing sessions last just long enough for someone to snap a picture so he can get back to his Game Boy, do you?

I Never Get Awards...

Why is that? I'm always seeing fellow bloggers bestow awards on each other. (I'm not going to count the 1/423 of an award Splotchy gave me once.) Some awards are given for being a great thinker. Others are for being exceptionally funny or for writing great political analyses.

Shit! There's my answer! My blog exhibits none of these qualities.

I figure the only way I'm gonna get an award is if I make one up and give it to myself. Sure, this is only slightly less pathetic than when they gave all the kids a trophy in t-ball (even the sucky ones) so no one would feel bad, but hell, when has the threat of appearing pathetic stopped me before?

So I had to come up with an award that I might actually win. I guess the one area I excel in is toilet and scatological humor. So, it is with great pleasure that I proclaim myself the winner of the first ever "Some Guy's Golden Toilet Award". Yeah, I know the fuckin' thing isn't gold. Relax.

I will be sharing this honor anytime I come across any well-done poop jokes, fart jokes, or any other post that seeks to glorify the crapper in any way. If you feel you have material that deserves consideration, please send a five-page essay explaining why along with a $25 application fee. Please allow 10-12 weeks for a response.

Violence In Commercials...

I noticed recently that the old Pace Picante ad campaign has been revived. The crux is that Pace is made in San Antonio and, thus, is superior to other salsas, especially those made in an elite, effete place like the Northeast. The new ads are slightly different from the ones made during the 1980s. Some of you might remember them. There were a bunch of cowboys sitting around a campfire, eating salsa. I think they run out of Pace and the cook gives them some other brand they don't recognize. One of them discovers that - gasp! - it's made in New York City! Then, one of the disgruntled cowboys tells another to "git a rope".

Now, the implication here is that the other cowboys are going to use the rope to do one of two things, either execute the cook or restrain him in some way as punishment for his trangression. Let's address the latter first. I doubt very much that this cook is going to be real pleased with being hog-tied just because he happened to buy the wrong salsa. One would think that eventually they're going to have to let him loose if they want him to prepare their meals. From what I understand about cowboys, they often carry guns. I could see it turning into a real bloodbath if this cook has a short temper. Plus, if they did leave him tied up, isn't it going to be a real pain in the ass to compensate for the loss of one of your crew? Who is going to drive his chuckwagon and prepare the meals? Are the other cowboys ready to pick up the slack? Haven't they got enough on their plate trying to move the cattle from one place to another?

Many of the same problems crop up if the rope was intended to be used to hang the cook. I mean, seriously, is it worth risking a murder rap over some sub-par salsa? I just don't think these cowboys have thought this through. Besides, when you look at it in a broader sense, don't you think they should just eat the fucking New York salsa and be grateful? There are people digging through dumpsters for a fucking rotten apple core and these assholes are gonna bitch about the brand of salsa? I'm sure the New York shit has the same nutrients as the other one. Who's being effete now? "Ooo, I can't eat the New York salsa. It doesn't taste as good. I'm a big baby." Fucking pussy-ass cowboys. I thought they were supposed to be tough. Just eat what's in front of you and quit yer whining! Christ!

Is it me or am I overthinking this?

Let's Get Snotty...

Recently, I participated in blog-pal Splotchy's "Green Monkey Music Project" wherein he picks a theme, then he and four others pick songs pertaining to said theme. He asked for "snotty" songs and told us that we could interpret snotty however we liked.

Here is a little background on the songs I chose:

• Ween - "Piss Up A Rope": I love Ween. Not only are they funny, but they are gifted musicians that can take any musical genre and set it on its ear. This one is off their country album. There's a lot of relationship frustration that comes through in this song. With lyrics like "On your knees you big-booty bitch, start suckin'", you don't sense there's a lot of gray area.
• Bobby Darin - "Down With Love": Bobby is pretty down on love in this song. While he's not as vulgar as Ween, he's pretty clear about things. "Down with love, let's liquidate all its friends. The moons, the Junes, the roses and rainbow's ends..."
• Descendents - "Sour Grapes": I remember this as one of the few songs in famous blogger Grant Miller's high school band's repertoire. "Why must you smoke that clove cigarette? Why must you act like you've got a hole in your head?"
• Etta James - "Losers Weepers": This is proof that women can sing a snotty song as well. Here Etta rubs it in a little. I think "finders keepers, losers weepers" is inherently snotty.
  
• Phil Ochs - "Love Me, I'm A Liberal": Phil Ochs kinda sounds snotty no matter what he sings, even his pretty songs. This one is directed at people who claim to be liberal, but only when it's convenient for them.
• Reverend Horton Heat - "Nurture My Pig": The Reverend makes it pretty obvious what he means when he's talking about his "pig" and what he wants some woman to do to/with it. "Hey baby I got a pig. I got a pig and it's pink and big. Hey baby I got a pig. Yeah come on baby you and my pig."
• They Might Be Giants - "Prevenge": I don't know how snotty this song actually is, but it reminds me of preemption which reminds me of Dubya and Dubya epitomizes snottines in my mind. So I included it. You be the judge.
• Ben Folds Five - "Song For The Dumped": As a few of my songs indicate, I must somehow equate bitterness with snottiness. This song is no exception. "Give me my money back. Give me my money back, you bitch... And don't forget to give me back my black t-shirt."

My bonus track was another Ween classic, "Baby Bitch". Any song that includes the lyric "Fuck you, you stinkin' ass ho." should qualify for a snotty mix, don't you think?

Splotchy has made these songs (and lots more) available for download. Check it out!

For The Record...

I'm gonna call him Willard*.

* No offense to any of you named Willard.

Crooks & Liars, I Am Yours...

For my taste, there is no better clearinghouse for the latest in political minutiae than Crooks And Liars. I visit it frequently. They are always good at getting up the latest video footage of republican fuck-ups. They are funny and good at exposing political hypocrisy. They also provide me with Daily Show highlights in case I missed it the night before.

Still, when it comes to dead-on political analysis, few do it better than my pal, Vikki. She puts any of the current pundits or op-ed writers to shame.

The Super-Deluxe Canadian Mega-Post...

Whenever I'm away from the computer for a few days, I always feel like I did when I was home sick from school - I know I didn't miss anything critical, but I feel sort of out of it. Here's a post with tons-o'-shit in it:

-First, thanks to all of you for the kind comments regarding Megan and I. I know I can get all sentimental about my blogging chums, but I truly have great affection for each of you.

-Second, Canada and the North Channel were fucking gorgeous. The weather was perfect and the scenery was striking. The Molson tasted even sweeter in its country of origin. Here's an example of the kind of sunsets we were privy to:


-A quick question for my Canadian readers: I noticed the use of the word "yooz" (as in, "Do yooz want gravy on your fries?") was prevalent. I hadn't noticed this on my past trips there. Is this just a midwestern Canadian thang or do yooz all talk like that?

-At one of the anchorages we stayed at, there was a big-ass rock that people can jump off of. After a lot of trepidation, I went for it. Our boat captain said it was about a 35' jump. It seemed like I was in the air forever. Please put on sunglasses to avoid being blinded by my pasty torso. The boat in the foreground was the one we were on.






-The places we went had cool-sounding names, like Beardrop Harbor and Whalesback Channel. Of course, I had my own names for places, like Urination Point and Pisswater Cove. Did I mention that I had a lot of Molson?

-Here is some video from the trip. I realize I am asking you to invest a lot of time on this post, but I figure you've been in serious withdrawal while I've been away, so I'm assuming you can handle it:

Look Oot Canada...

...here we come!

Tomorrow, we're going to rendezvous with the guy I work with who has a sweet-ass 44' sailboat. Each August, he takes it up to the North Channel, a series of rocky islands along northern Lake Huron. He's been doing this for 20-some years and knows all the little nooks (he's still working on the crannies). It's supposed to be beautiful and very remote. HERE is a photo site dedicated to the area if you're interested.

Sadly, we won't have the wit, wisdom, and mad mixology skillz of everyone's favorite maritime bartender, Ted Lange.

Sappy Sappy Sap Sap...

Today marks the one-year anniversary of the first time Megan left a comment on my blog. How fitting that it was a post about Dubya being a jackass. Even though she did use the phrase "Damn skippy...", I knew at that moment she was worth getting to know better. For those of you who are late to the party, here's a little recap:

For the first 34 years of my life I went without ever having a girlfriend. I had plenty of girls who were friends, but, like Steve Carell's character in "The Forty Year Old Virgin", I had just sort of resigned myself to the fact that I'd be alone. I just plain sucked at meeting women. It wasn't the way I wanted things, but I had come to terms with it. I had tried one of the online dating sites, but after a few lame dates with women that hadn't described themselves accurately, I stopped trying.

After reading Megan's blog for a while and commenting, I thought, "I really like this girl." She tried e-mailing me once, but it must've gone to my junk mail folder and I never got it. Luckily, she was not deterred and tried again. After that, we e-mailed each other regularly, then eventually started talking on the phone. Around November I had planned an east coast road trip and had made plans to meet a few of the people whose blogs I had been reading. Megan lived in Norfolk, so I asked if she was up for meeting in person. She was and things took off from there. Our first "date" involved a German restaurant and beer. We made plans to see each other again at Christmas and you can read about that experience HERE if you're not yet bored out of your skull.

Fast-forward to today. We are now living together, happy and in love. If you had asked me a year ago, I'd never have predicted that I'd have a sweet, beautiful woman living with me. There are so many things I love about her. I mean, anyone who'd take a chance on a dork like me and actually move to the wilds of Northern Michigan has got to be pretty fucking awesome.

This is why I am such a fan of blogs. In addition to the many friends I've either met or gotten reacquainted with, I've found real happiness with someone I really care about. People can bash blogging all they want. They can paint us as a bunch of parent's basement-dwelling losers, but I know the truth. To me, there isn't a better way to meet and actually get to know cool, like-minded people that aren't necessarily close geographically.

Four-skin...

God, what a stupid title for this post. It's really dumb. Fuck it, though. Too late to change it now.

I got tagged by one of my favorite new (well, new to me) bloggers, Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein (M.D.?). Some of this stuff may be old news to my older readers, but I'll try to make it fresh. It's all about fours...

Four jobs I've had or currently have in my life:

1. In college I had a cushy job as the guy who stocked vending machines around campus. I had a big cargo van in which to tool around, minimal supervision, and access to storerooms full of candy, pop, chips, and even sandwiches (decent ones, considering they were out of a vending machine).
2. I worked for an architecture firm in Skokie (Chicago suburb) before I moved up here where I did nothing but plans for Hollywood Video stores. The work was the opposite of inspiring, but the people were a lot of fun.
3. Cashier at Dick's Phillips 66 in Elmhurst. I know a lot of you read this story, but for my new readers, check THIS out.
4. I worked as a bike tour leader for (the now defunct) Michigan Bicycle Touring. I'd co-lead weekend bike trips and got to stay in fancy places and eat fancy food. There were always a few whiners, but overall it was a great job. They paid me, but they wouldn't have had to.

Four countries I have been to:

1. Costa Rica
2. South Africa
3. Spain
4. France

Four places I'd rather be right now:

1. The back bowls of Vail, sun shining, with lots of new snow.
2. On a whitewashed patio on a Greek Isle overlooking the blue, blue waters of the Aegean, chewing on a big ol' pork chop.
3. At a documentary film festival that plays all my favorites, then has the filmmakers available afterwards for questions.
4. On a kayak in Antarctica, paddling around icebergs and penguin-watching.

Four foods I like to eat:

1. Do I really need to say it?
2. Megan's chocolate chunk/peanut butter/oatmeal cookies.
3. Megan's beer-battered fried cheese (or really anything beer-battered and fried).
4. Megan's crab cakes.

Four personal heroes, past or present (or future):

1. Gandhi. I'm sure I've said this before.
2. Martin Luther (the) King, Jr. See a pattern?
3. My mom.
4. The person who will come out and give airtight evidence as to the treachery and deceit of the current administration which leads to each of their incarcerations.

Four books you've just read or are currently reading:

1. The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy (I figured it was about time).
2. Lamb, by Christopher Moore
3. Manual OF Steel Construction, Eighth Ed.
4. Simplified Engineering For Architects And Builders, by Harry Parker and James Ambrose

I don't usually tag people, but what the hell. How about some of my new links?

1. Cooper Green
2. Morris Wanchuk
3. Micgar
4. and because he asked me to be in his wedding, Frank.
   

A One-Word Post...

evildoers

Attention Netflixers...

For those of you that may have missed it on the Discovery Channel, I highly recommend checking out the "Planet Earth" series produced by the BBC. I just finished the first of the five discs and it is amazing. The photography will leave you awe-struck and you'll be introduced to a number of creatures you never knew existed, like the Red Panda above or the Giant Salamanders of Japan. It really captures the complexity of what is happening on the planet at any given time. It is beautifully narrated by David Attenborough. Even if you're not into nature documentaries, I think this one will appeal to you.

A Little Experiment...

Those of you who regularly visit my blog know that I'm a big fan of "The Google", primarily the image search. I feel my posts are naked without a picture attached. One thing I've noticed in my many searches is that, no matter what search phrase you use, eventually you'll find something pornographic. I'm trying a few benign phrases to see how far I have to go until I find a naked body. I'm not sure how often these things change, but hopefully the links I provide will still be valid.

Here goes:

• Baby kitten - Page 13
• Pizza - Page 7
• Wheel Of Fortune - Page 2
• Yo-yo - Page 4
• Dick Cheney - Page 5
• Santa Claus - Page 24
• Mary Poppins - Page 5
• America - Page 8 (at bottom)
  
• Sizzling bacon - Page 5

*Edited to add: As you may have noticed, some of these links are no longer valid (they don't show porn). I knew this would be a problem. The damn interwebs can't just hold still for a second, can they?

A Joke So Unfunny That It's Funny...

I don't know if they still do it, but, back in the day, Taco Bell used to boast of the fact that they used real "Queso" cheese in their menu items. Now, anyone who took a minimal amount of Spanish in school (or has eaten in a Mexican restaurant) knows how stupid this claim is. "Queso" means cheese.

So now, whenever Megan is making a dish with cheese in it (which is often), I ask her if she is using real "Queso" cheese. I've asked it enough at this point that she knows it's coming. She bemoans the fact that it wasn't even really that funny the first time as I laugh and laugh.

I have other "anti-jokes" I use repeatedly. Like, if there is the slightest wisp of a cloud in the sky, I'll always say "I don't like the looks of those clouds", as if it could start raining at any moment. She's on to that one as well.