The Best Thing To Happen To Potatoes Since Dan Quayle...

Tatermitts!

If you buy these, please stop reading my blog.

A Very Important Day...

Today is Kelly Kapowski's birthday.

Did you remember to send a card?

State Of The Union Preview...

I predict that before Dubya is able to utter his 9,653rd speech defending his crappy Iraq policy, he will open his mouth, releasing a horde of dung beetles that will scatter throughout the halls of congress, devouring everything in their path. At this point, Dick Cheney will sprout bat-like wings and hover over the chamber, vaporizing the beetles (and any surviving democrats) with lasers from his eye sockets. After the dust has settled, Dubya will look squarely into the camera and tell the shocked populace that they should support the troops by going to Disney World.

This is just a hunch.

May god continue to bless America.

Hey, Check It Out!...

Kelly Leak is nominated for an Oscar.

Although some of you might know him as Moocher.

His real name is Jackie Earle Haley. Congrats!

What Do You Call It?...

Happy As A Clam...

I ask you, what the hell does a clam have to be so happy about?

They have no arms or legs. They can't joke around with their clam buddies. They can't see or hear shit, so TV is out. Their whole makeup consists of a viscous slime surrounded by a muddy outer shell.

Is that anything to be happy about?

Of course, they never have to listen to shit-ass pundits like O'Reilly or sit in rush hour traffic, so maybe I'm wrong...

Documentary Film Of The Day - The Ground Truth...

Like Vikki and Johnny Yen said, see this movie. Just see it. If you know people who still think the Iraq War is good or cool, make them see it, too. If you think military conflict in general is wise, see the fucking movie.

Please.

Chicago Super Bowl Bears...

Fuckin' A!

I Ask Flannery Alden Questions And She Answers Them...

In the third part of my interview series, I sat down with Flannery Alden. She is a frequent commenter and hosted me for a night during my recent east coast road trip. She makes killer french toast and bacon.

I'm here with long-time blogger, Flannery Alden. Flannery, you have read my blog almost from the very beginning. To what do you attribute its unrivaled success?

I think your blog is so successful because you are a hunky underdog and chicks dig that. Also, you're spelling skills are exemplary. I could go on, but this interview is about me.

You are born and raised in Ohio. What, in your opinion, puts the "Oh" in Ohio?

Well, I've always heard that Ohio is high in the middle and round on both ends, which is an apt description of my home state. However, what puts the "Oh" in Ohio? Hmm...Licking County?

You wrote that you have a degree in Classical & Medieval Studies. How did you like the jousting class?

It was literally a pain in the ass. There were serious injuries in every class and, to make matters worse, in order to get any first aid or medical attention, one had to ask for it in either Latin, Greek, Old Norse or Olde English, depending on which of those classes were covering paramedics on that day. There were benefits, though. I did enjoy knocking the shit out of my wispy male colleagues and future leather mug makers. Huzzah!

I know, as a mother of two, that you watch a lot of children's television. Compare and contrast today's children's television with the shows we grew up with. I mean, isn't Spongebob just a cheap rip-off of the Snorks?

No, Spongebob is a rather well done rip-off of PeeWee Herman, as my good friend Elizabeth pointed out to me recently. However, you may be right about the Snorks. I can't rightly say as I've never heard of them.

As a student of the classics with regard to history, fashion, entertainment, language, and cars I have noticed that successful trends tend to come and go. I'm pleased to see today's children's television fare is influenced by the great shows of the past.

Many of the great new shows have taken something that worked in the past and layered on new, more contemporary themes and educational values. Take, for instance, Drake and Josh, a show I have recommended to you on countless occasions, yet you refuse to consider watching. It's basically Laverne and Shirley, which was basically I Love Lucy. All have great slapstick episodes and lovable losers at the helm. Where the Drake and Josh show innovates with regard to contemporary themes and educational values is: no one smokes or drinks on the show. That's progress.

If you could travel to any place that starts with an "L", where would it be?

London, Baby!

I rode my bike through Salem, Ohio once and these assholes drove by in cars and tried to run us off the road.

That's how you know you're in Ohio. If you're on a bike, people will try to run you off the road. I wouldn't take it personally, though; they probably just thought you were gay.

You and your husband contribute to a blog about beer. Name a beer that you like that most people would consider shit.

Rolling Rock.

You have written often about your neighbor's Tiki Bar and how it has become a gathering place for you and your friends. Is there any sort of Tiki philosophy or mantra or creed or something?

There is, Chris, and this is it: Peace, Love, Friendship, and Anarchy.

Thanks, Flannery. That is a wealth of knowledge you've provided us with.

And thank you, Chris, for being the you that you are.


Flannery Alden, ladies and gentlemen...

eBay Neophyte...

I have never bought anything off eBay. In fact, I have barely even looked at eBay before today. I'm just not into having more stuff. However, thanks to a post over at The Slack, I was inspired to check and see if one of my favorite childhood toys, Rocket Hockey, was available. There is one. I set up an account so I could place a bid. However, every time I up my bid, some jackass ups it by 50 cents. I'm sure there's some sort of automatic bid set-up that allows the other bidder to do this, but I haven't spent the time to study the various options. I doubt I'll get it. Bidding ends at like 10:00 PM and I'll be at my computer-less home by then. Too bad. If you'd like to see a short video detailing the awesomeness of this toy, click HERE. It's basically the same thing as real hockey, minus the ice, skates, hockey sticks, and other players. Other than that, it's the real fucking deal.

The Joy Of Not Having To Talk To People...

There is one supermarket in my town and they just incorporated two do-it-yourself grocery checkout aisles. I'm sure this is something you city-folk have been using for years, but they're new to me. I like them. For one, I seem to be WAY faster at scanning my shit than the people who do it professionally. I also get to avoid something I loathe - small talk. Besides, as a bachelor, it's a little embarassing to go in, week after week, and buy the same frozen pizzas and ice cream novelties (not to mention all the anti-diarrheal medicine).

You'd say these things are supplanting jobs. May I remind you we are in a War On Terror? Come on, people! Just think of all the men and women that will now be available to help us defeat radical extremists all around the world. It's a classic win-win!

A Little Thursday Quiz For Y'all...

What do...

...former Hugh Hefner paramour, Barbi Benton,

television's Mr. Belvedere, Christopher Hewett,

and the Mama that isn't Cass, Michelle Phillips, have in common?

Highlight the hidden text below to reveal the answer.
Each appeared in no less than eight episodes of "Fantasy Island".

God Bless Bob Ross...

I used to love this guy. He was very calming and had a kick-ass 'fro.

Important Reminder...

O'Reilly and Colbert are going to be on each other's shows tonight. O'Reilly's putrid cesspool of a show starts at 8:00 PM (Eastern) and Colbert's starts at 11:30 PM (Eastern).

Please mark your calendars appropriately. It should be a humdinger.

Some Guy's Book Of Rules, Entry #1...

I don't think that anyone who has never experimented with LSD, Psilocybin Mushrooms, or any other hallucinogen has any right to ever refer to something as "trippy".

I mean, how the hell would they know?

I Ask Grant Miller Questions And He Answers Them...

Since the response to my original interview was SO well-received, I've decided to try another. No one has had more of an impact on my decision to start a blog than Grant Miller of The Official Site Of Grant Miller. I sat down with Grant recently to pick his brain on a few of the more pressing issues of the day. His answers appear in bold.

-I'm here with popular blogger, Grant Miller. Say hello to everyone, Grant.

Hello to everyone, Grant.

-Cute. Now, Grant, people are always asking me what your beauty secrets are. Care to
share a few?

I shave my eyebrows otherwise I would have one eyebrow. I enjoy flossing my teeth. One of my favorite chorse is using a Q-Tip to get the wax out of my ear. Sometimes a finger will work, but it's not as effective.

-It's well known that we've known each other a long time. Can you remember
the conversation we had on April 19th, 1986? I know it's one I'll never
forget.

Of course, I remember. You asked me to attend your "Adolph Hitler Birthday Bash" the next day at your house. I was totally weirded out and said "No way, I'm not a racist like you." That's how I remember it, but I could be confusing you with someone else.

-You want a piece of gum?

I don't chew gum. I've only tried it once and hated it. I don't particularly like candy. I enjoy chocolate, but only occassionally. I look like a fool when I chew gum. I feel like a fool when I chew gum. But thanks for the offer.

-As a dad, what is the most obnoxiously annoying toy your children possess?

Telly the Time Clock. Unlike most toys that turn off after a few minutes of inactivity, Telly the Time Clock keeps going and going. "What time is it?" "What time is it" over and over and over again until I turn it off. Plus it has only two volume controls: Obnoxiously loud and off.

-Can you believe they cancelled Shatner's game show? What's up with that?

I didn't know Shatner had a game show, so I do not understand what is up with that.

-Name four people, dead or alive, that you'd most like to play air hockey
with.

Colleen McElroy, Socrates, Lincoln, my mom. Thanks. Thanks a lot for bringing that up again.

-I really need to get a haircut.

I just got one.

-What, to you, was the turning point of the Crimean War?

I'm not sure, but it probably had something to do with the fact they were fighting over Crimea and not something cooler.

-Lastly, if you could trade noses with anyone, who would it be?

My cat.

-Thanks, Grant. Don't forget to rock out with your cock out.

It's the only way to rock out.


Indeed it is, Grant. Indeed it is...

It's Tuesday. Let's Play Everyone's Favorite Blog Game - Does Anyone Remember...

Fish Ties?
Christ, what were we thinking?

Tupperware Frozen Pops?
My mom used to make them out of Tang. Compared to actual Popsicles, they sucked ass.

Rodney & Rhonda Reindeer?
This one is specifically for Geo. Too bad for you I have a steel trap of a memory.

Crystal Radios?
I remember getting a kit for one of these. Imagine, a radio that doesn't require batteries! Unfortunately, when you assembled the fucking thing, you could only faintly hear some station you'd never listen to in the first place.

Taking One For The Team...

I think awards shows are fucking silly, but, as they are part of the pop culture landscape, I feel I must offer some commentary. Since no one really gives a shit about the awards themselves, I'm going to focus my attention on the pre-show:

First, I'm not an American Idol watcher, but is Ryan Seacrest always such a smarmy douche?

Hey, no one's making you go to this thing, you crabby twat. Why don't you two just go away for a while.

I think we've found Hollywood's new power couple.

Yeah, Pivs, you love your mother. We get it.

My vote for most visible cleavage goes to :

Beyonce Knowles

Documentary Film Of The Day - Wordplay...

I watched this over the weekend. This is the kind of documentary I like - one that exposes an obscure group of people united by their love of (and prowess at) a relatively mundane activity, in this case, solving crossword puzzles. Now, I'm not sure how much this movie will appeal to people who don't do crosswords, but if you like movies about slightly eccentric people, this one shouldn't disappoint. I happen to love crosswords, so I really liked this movie. It also includes interviews with famous crosswordophiles like Jon Stewart and Bill "Bubba" Clinton. They spend time on how crosswords are constructed. They also show a lot of footage of a crossword competition. Just ordinary, everyday people that happen to be the best at what they do. What was cool was that there were points in the movie where they'd put up partially solved clues, so that you could pause and sort of play along at home. Ken Burns of PBS fame talked about how he does the New York Times puzzle every day. I decided that is something to strive for - the ability to do the NYT puzzle each day (not necessarily solve it) if I wanted to.

Bear Down!...

I really thought they were gonna blow this one. Why do they always have to make it so close at the end? Do they want me to have a fucking grabber or something?

Gum...

I'm a gum chewer. Some people find this annoying, but I think nothing conveys an air of nonchalance better than chewing a piece of gum. Really, who doesn't want to look nonchalant? Not me. Currently, my gum of choice is:

Orbit.
I like that it's strong initially and maintains its flavor quite well.

Back in the day, like most suburban boys, I wanted to look cool. Obviously, nothing looks cooler than sticking a wad of chewing tobacco in your mouth. Unfortunately, twelve-year-old boys don't always have access to tobacco. Luckily, we DID have:

Big League Chew.

One can only guess how much of a "gateway gum" this became for kids destined for a life full of empty Coke bottles, half-full with dip-juice, and mouth cancer.

Perhaps the suckiest gum of all time was:

Chicklets Tiny Size.
This gum was fucking bogus. You pretty much had to empty the entire contents of the pack into your mouth just to end up with an adequate piece of gum to chew. Plus, it didn't taste all that good and had minimal staying power. Shit was WACK, yo.

Fuck...

This is courtesy of Megan at By & By. Now do you see why I like her so much?

Another Good Movie It Took Me A Long Time To See...

It was recommended that I see "Mr. Smith Goes To Washington". I thought it was excellent. Sure, some of it is a little corny, but much of it is still applicable to today's politics.

For some reason I was under the impression that there was a monkey in this movie.

Avast, Ye Matey...

A few summers ago I began a brief stint as a crew member on a boat competing in a weekly regatta held on my lake. It was a nightmare. I didn't know jack squat about sailboats. The boat I was on was a scow, a very fast boat, but also one prone to tipping over easily. Scows have flat hulls, kind of like a big windsurfer, and "daggerboards", rather than a central keel, that you raise and lower depending on which way you're heeling. There were a few times we tipped due directly to something I fucked up. Luckily the rest of the crew were easy-going and didn't give me too much shit. I decided to surrender my spot to someone else the following summer.

The one thing I did enjoy was brainstorming names for our craft. A few of my suggestions were:

• Miocardial Infarction (three of us were ski patrollers)
• Bloody Stool (I bet there aren't any other boats named this)
  
• Satan's Chariot (sounded intimidating)
• Those Aren't Buoys (Seinfeld reference)
• Harvey Walleye-Banger (there are Walleye on my lake)

They didn't use any of mine. Shocker. But hey, mine beat the shit out of lame-o names like "Liquid Assets" or "Wet & Wild".

Unknown Fruit...

I don't think I've ever had a papaya before.

Are they good? What do they taste like?

Is that caviar in the middle?