Travel Tips: Part 5...

Trying to play frisbee on the famous grassy knoll in Dallas, Texas can prove awkward.

Media Bitchlick, Numero Dos...

You know, as much as I rag on O'Reilly, John Gibson isn't too far behind in the "idiot douchebags with giant heads" competition. This guy wrote some shitty-ass book about how there's a, get this, War On Christmas! Are you fucking kidding me!? Let me just say to you, Gibby, fuck you. Fuck you and the dipshit moron herd that buys your limp-dick screed. Nice hair, by the way. It goes great with that monstrous melon you've got riding atop your shoulders.

The Supermarket Theory...

You've probably heard this theory if you've ever been single. It usually comes from a sympathetic older person, like a mother or grandmother. The theory proposes that, if you are single and looking (and frustrated), not to worry. It will just happen, probably when you least expect it, like at the supermarket. I don't want to get a reputation as the guy who's constantly whining about his lovelife (it may be too late), but whoever believes this theory sure doesn't shop at the same supermarket that I do. The only women I see look like THIS. (Warning! Not safe for work, kids, & may be vomit inducing.)

For All You Bill Hicks Fans...

I just saw this ARTICLE about one of my heroes. Those of you who still refuse to listen to this man's comedy need to get up off your dead asses and go buy his stuff. Start with the album "Relentless". If you like it, get "Rant In E-Minor". It is about as caustically hilarious as any person has ever been.

Meet Saparmurat Niyazov...

Saparmurat, or "Turkmenbashi" as his friends call him, is the President of Turkmenistan and Chairman of the Cabinet of Ministers. He seems like a pretty fun guy. You be the judge (a little long, but worth it):

• Niyazov is an authoritarian leader and is notorious in Western countries for the personality cult that he has established around himself in Turkmenistan. Claiming Turkmenistan to be a nation devoid of a national identity, he has attempted to rebuild the country to his own vision. He renamed the town of Krasnovodsk, on the Caspian Sea, Turkmenbashi after himself, in addition to renaming several schools, airports and even a meteorite after himself and his immediate family. Niyazov's face appears on all Manat banknotes and large portraits of the president hang all over the country, especially on major public buildings and avenues. Statues of himself and his mother are scattered all over Turkmenistan, including one in the middle of the Kara Kum desert as well as a gold-plated statue atop Ashgabat's largest building, the Neutrality Arch, that rotates so it will always face into the sun and shine light onto the capital city. Niyazov has commissioned a massive palace in Ashgabat commemorating his rule. He has been given the hero of Turkmenistan award five times. "I'm personally against seeing my pictures and statues in the streets - but it's what the people want", Niyazov has said.
• The education system indoctrinates young Turkmen to love Niyazov, with his works and speeches making up most of their textbooks' content. The primary text is a national epic written by Niyazov, the Ruhnama or Book of the Soul. This book, a mixture of revisionist history and moral guidelines, is intended as the "spiritual guidance of the nation" and the basis of the nation's arts and literature. With Soviet-era textbooks banned without being replaced by new publications, libraries are left with little more than Niyazov's works. In 2004, the dictator ordered the closure of all rural libraries on the grounds that he thought that village Turkmen do not read. In Niyazov's home village of Kipchak, a complex has been built to the memory of his mother, including a mosque (est. at US$100 million) conceived as a symbol of the rebirth of the Turkmen people.
• As President-for-Life of Turkmenistan, he has issued many unconventional decrees, such as:
  -In March 2004, dismissing 15,000 public health workers in wide-ranging cuts that particularly targeted nurses, midwives, school health visitors and orderlies.
  -In April 2004, urging young people not to get gold tooth caps or gold teeth, suggesting instead that they chew on bones to preserve their teeth.
  -In February 2005, ordering the closure of all hospitals outside Ashgabat, saying that if people were ill, they could come to the capital; also ordering the closure of all rural libraries of Turkmenistan, saying that ordinary Turkmen do not read books anyway.
  -In November 2005, ordering that physicians swear an oath to himself instead of the Hippocratic Oath.
  -In December 2005, banning video games, stating that they were too violent for young Turkmen to play.
  -In January 2006, Russian media reported he had ordered to stop paying pensions to 1/3 (more than 100,000) of the country's elderly people, cutting pensions to another 200,000, and ordering to pay the pensions received in the past two years back to the State. This has supposedly resulted in a huge number of deaths of old people, who may have had their pension (ranging from US$10 to US$90) as the only source of money. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Turkmenistan strongly denied these allegations, accusing the media outlets of spreading "deliberately perverted" information on the issue.

Currently the U.S. maintains good relations with Turkmenistan and considers them a vital partner in the Global War On Terror. Information provided by Wikipedia.

Travel Tips: Part 4...

The ruins of the Branch Davidian compound outside of Waco, Texas are open to tourists. Admission is free, but donations are welcome. Pre-printed maps are available at the Waco Chamber Of Commerce.

O'Reilly Redux...

O'Reilly really seems to have a hard-on for George Soros. He can't stop talking about him. I have heard him on many occassions state that no one cares what Soros says, and then continues to devote segment after segment on him and the things he's said. The latest bug in O'Reilly's ass has to do with THIS article Soros wrote for the Wall Street Journal. O'Reilly didn't like it - surprise surprise! Media Matters has his response from his radio show HERE.

I happen to agree with a lot of what Soros says (surprise surprise). One thing that struck me is O'Reilly's shock at the fact that Soros says the "War On Terror" can't be won. Well, gentle reader, here's the thing - it can't. I've said this before. Ask yourself what conditions would be necessary to declare victory in the "War On Terror". I mean to WIN, not to BE WINNING. The only thing I can come up with is that every terrorist will either need to be captured or killed. Impossible. Just for the sake of argument, let's say we did just that - every known terrorist was killed or locked up. Then, the next day, someone blows themselves up in a market somewhere. Is the war back on? No. There is no war. Well, wait a second. If you like the prospect of perpetual war, then I suppose this is right up your alley.

Yet more evidence that O'Reilly is, in fact, a cunt-ass peehole.

Ugh...

A friend of mine just sent this to me. Excuse me while I weep. Sorry it's not too clear. Click on it for a better look.

America's *cough* Sweetheart...

Gwyneth Paltrow tells Harper's Bazaar in the September issue: "I do not know how single mothers have more than one child with no help. It requires so much of my life, and I don't have to change sheets and clean toilets, you know."

I'm not sure if I should be shocked by how uppity she sounds or awed that she appears to be admitting how pathetic she is. I mean, even without all toilet cleaning and sheet changing, she STILL has trouble with parenthood.

Whose Government?...

There have been a few times, while forcing myself to listen to another shitty Dubya speech, that I've thought I heard him refer to the government as "my government". Most of the time I chalked it up to the fact that he is an idiot and can't speak well. I decided to see if my memory was correct. Sure enough, after doing an internet search ("George Bush"+"my government"), I found numerous occassions where the president said this. It makes sense. His actions while in office certainly suggest that he believes that while he's in office, the government is his - he can do with it what he wants.

Let's just make one thing clear. It's OUR government. It may be his administration. It may be his merry band of shithead misfits bent on alienating us from the rest of the planet while they run off with all the loot. It is not, however, HIS government, no matter what his simpleton fucking brain might believe.

The Top 10 Best "Top 101..." Shows Of All Time...

1. 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops!
2. 101 Starlicious Makeovers
3. 101 Most Awesome Moments In Entertainment
4. 101 Biggest Celebrity Oops!
5. 101 Craziest TV Moments
6. 101 Juiciest Hollywood Hookups
7. 101 Most Shocking Moments In Entertainment
8. 101 Reasons The '90s Ruled
9. 101 Most Sensational Crimes Of Fashion
10. 101 Best Kept Hollywood Secrets
    

Separated At Birth...

A lot of you have probably seen "The 40 Year Old Virgin". It's very good and, surprisingly, has a lot of heart. Apart from the fact that I'm not yet 40 and not a virgin, I couldn't help noticing how many things I have in common with Andy Stitzer, Steve Carell's character:

1. My wardrobe largely consists of multicolored polo shirts. Like Andy, I favor the solid ones, but also own a few striped ones like in the picture above.
2. I flat-out suck at meeting women.
3. I look at the Q-Tip after cleaning out my ears to see how much wax was in there.
4. I have a hobby that involves painstaking attention to detail. His was painting figurines. Mine is carving and painting fish.
5. I watch Survivor (christ, how embarrassing).
6. I get super nervous calling women. A lot of times I'll dial six of the numbers, but hesitate on the seventh until I decide I should wait until later.
7. I live alone.
8. I can remember being in situations with a bunch of guys and feeling awkward when the topic turned to sex. Just to clarify, not once did I think that a breast felt like a bag of sand.
9. I often wake up with an erection which can create problems when it comes to urinating.
10. I've been puked on while driving in a car. Granted, I puked on myself, but I can still relate to the feeling.

Weeds...

This is another Netflix heads-up for those of you like me that don't get Showtime. I recently watched the first season of this show and liked it a lot. It is refreshing to see a show about drugs that isn't set in the inner city. This show is further proof that the best place to get quality television is on the premium cable channels. For one thing, they can swear. This adds a whole other level of realism that network television just can't achieve. I also like the intoxicating song at the opening of the show - Little Boxes by Malvina Reynolds. It's currently the song on my MySpace page for those who don't know it.

Holy Shit...

I never realized that the same guy who played Billy Bibbit in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest"

Is the same guy who played Grima Wormtongue in "Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers"

His name is Brad Dourif.

Car Singing...

This YouTube thing could be habit forming. Like many of you, I like to sing in the car. I like to sing loud. Here's me doing a little singalong with Jack & KG this past winter. For those of you not familiar with "The D", this isn't safe for work or around small children.

A Little Help...

Does anyone know the preferred spelling - is it beotch, beyotch, biatch, biotch, bee-otch, or maybe it's Spanish with double-els - billoch. Is there a consensus?

Photo courtesy of Bells On blog.

Friendship...

I think it was Benjamin Franklin who said, "The best means to gauge friendship is by how many comments they leave on your blog." Since this is about the 2-month anniversary of my foray into blogging, I thought I'd see just who Ben thinks my real friends are. These totals do not reflect the comments I received during my stint over on Grant's blog.

1. Grant Miller - 41 comments
2. Flannery Alden - 13 comments
3. Frank Sirmarco - 11 comments
4. Winter - 9 comments
5. Vikkitikkitavi - 6 comments
6. Dirty - 5 comments
7. Echo - 5 comments
8. Beth - 3 comments
9. Big Orange - 3 comments
10. Anonymous - 3 comments
11. Lunar-fix - 2 comments
12. Lulu - 2 comments
13. Laaw-yuhr - 2 comments
14. Newbluebaby - 2 comments
15. Shroom-monkey - 2 comments
16. Marni - 2 comments
17. Sny Snoodles - 2 comments

The following each had one comment: Madison Guy, the tattered coat, powerbroker, Anne Altman, Coaster Punchman, Melinda June, getkristilove, Tenacious S, Julia, and Askinstoo

Grant, keep an eye out for the UPS truck. You've just won a Schwinn Stingray, a gift certificate for a free birthday cake from Roeser's Bakery located at 3216 W. North Ave., Chicago, IL, and a brand new $50 bill! Thanks to the rest of you for playing.

The Empire Carpet Guy...

Those of you who have spent an extended period of time in the Chicagoland area know this guy. I was back visiting recently and saw his ad with the jingle that is burned into my memory. It struck me that this guy, whose name I don't know, has been doing this commercial for as long as I can remember. At least 25 years. He's really had quite a run. Hell, he's even got his own bobblehead - a sure sign in this country that you have arrived. I wonder what has attributed to his staying power as a carpet pitch-man. All I know is that if advertising success is measured by how well people can remember your phone number, this outfit is at the fucking forefront. 800-588-2300 - Empire, bitches!

**Edited to add: Thanks to the power of the internets, I found out that the man behind the mustache is one Lynn Hauldren. He has been doing the ads since 1973. He's also a decorated war hero and an accomplished baritone barbershop singer in the group Chordiac Arrest.

A Gift For Mr. G. Miller...

Ms. Portman attempting to smuggle raisins and not doing a very good job at all.

Bipartisanship....

"All governments are lying cocksuckers." - Bill Hicks

I don't consider myself either a democrat or republican. I think that both these parties have created a system in which they are untouchable and completely insulated from any sort of real scrutiny. Sure, every few years a couple deck chairs are rearranged, but as far as real progress or innovation when it comes to new ways to address old problems, these two parties have done jack shit in my opinion. It's probably obvious to my readers that I tend more towards the democrats, but I hate to be lumped in with them. There are plenty of democrats who still support failed policies and platforms such as the death penalty, the "war on drugs", antiquated views on gay marriage, and who continue to bring up the ridiculous idea of a "war on terror".

One thing that the republicans have always had in their back pockets was the ability to claim, by some strange distortion of the transitive property, that because the left is so anti-war, we are rooting for our enemies in most cases. In fact, I think Vice President Dick "Palpatine" Cheney just compared Connecticut voters, participating in their nation's democracy, to Al Qaeda sympathizers. I don't blame them. It's easy subterfuge and is emotional, if not dishonest and misleading. What I've noticed, especially recently, is that there is a glee that the republicans show every time there is some sort of terror warning or threat. They get fucking giddy that, thanks to the fact they have the populace scared shitless, another warning can only help their poll numbers and justify their inequities. Is it a good idea to keep in power a group that's success is so closely tied to the existence of the threat of terrorism? Is it in the best interest of republicans that terrorism be eliminated once and for all? I'd say no, but I'm afraid it might make baby Jesus cry.

Netflix Alert...

Now, before you get all nervous, this picture is not an ad for some white supremacy group I'm endorsing. As you know, in my blog I like to highlight certain documentary films. This one is a "mockumentary" called C.S.A.: The Confederate States Of America. It resembles a Ken Burns-style history show that explains the rise of the Confederate States Of America and their defeat of the north in the Civil War in the context of modern times. It is an often disturbing look at what the country might be today if the south had prevailed and slavery had survived. Interspersed are phony commercial breaks that are both funny and disturbing, with spots for "Darky" toothpaste and "Niggerhair" tobacco products - both things that were actual products at some point. This film could've been hokey, but I thought it was well done and had a good balance of humor, history, and stuff to make you think. It just came out on DVD, so those of you with Netflix, add it to your queues. A website for the film can be found HERE.

Don't They Look Cute Together?...

Like two peas in some unholy, sinister pod.

Sorry to C & L for the blatant rip-off.

Music...

It struck me that I haven't spent too much time on this blog talking about music. I like music a lot. I have a lot of CDs and there is no rhyme or reason to my musical taste as you can see HERE. Just for kicks, here are the last ten songs that randomly played on my iTunes:

1. The Trip, Donovan, off of Sunshine Superman, 1966
2. Here 'Tis, Ramsey Lewis, off of Stretchin' Out, 1960
3. He's Misstra Know It All, Stevie Wonder, off of Innervisions, 1973
4. Taste Of Honey, Herp Alpert And The Tijuana Brass, off of Whipped Cream & Other Delights, 1965
5. Tiger Rag, Art Tatum, off of Piano Starts Here, 1949
6. Nosey Joe, Brian Setzer Orchestra, off of Dirty Boogie, 1998
7. Ballet For A Rainy Day, XTC, off of Skylarking, 1986
8. Calypso, Robert Randolph & The Family Band, off of Unclassified, 2003
9. Say You Miss Me, Wilco, off of Being There, 1996
10. Bastard Wants To Hit Me, They Might Be Giants, off of The Spine, 2004
    

Asking The Right Questions...

A lot of my frustration with the press these days comes from their inability to ask good questions. In my opinion they are far to willing to let Dubya, Tony Snow, or any other mouthpiece du jour the opportunity to slip back into their comfy, cozy talking points about how fightin' terrah is hard work and how we're makin' progress, blah, blah, blah. Obviously, the daily press briefing is nothing but a joke. Good luck being able to dredge up Dick Cheney to address the myriad of unanswered questions facing him. I have a few questions I'd pose. For some of you, this one is a bit of a rerun, so I apologize.

Back in March, the president was in India. I saw a news clip about how he was going to lay a wreath at a Gandhi memorial. It struck me as odd at the time considering the vast gulf between how the two approached problems. They seem so diametrically opposed. I also know of the strict religious beliefs Dubya holds, beliefs that I feel often cloud his judgment. If I were in the press corps at the time, I would've asked this:

"Mr. President, do you believe that Gandhi is in hell?"

Now, let's examine his possible responses based on what we know about his religion.

If he says yes: Then he looks like a cruel asshole - or at least more than he already does. He would be saying that no matter how good a life you lead, if you aren't for Jesus, you ain't getting in. This is what I suspect he honestly believes. Most people in the world would be shocked.

If he says no: Then he is saying that NOT all non-Christians are hell-bound, something his "base" would be unhappy to hear. I suppose you could follow this up and ask "Then is he in heaven?" If he says yes, major problems. That means that non-Christians can get into heaven. If he says no, then he's not in heaven and not in hell. Where is he? At this point, I think Dubya would short circuit trying to figure a way out. Either way, most of his fundie friends would be shocked.

If he waffles and doesn't give a definitive answer: Again, his base is pissed. They think of him as a no-nonsense, straight shooter. There isn't a lot of ambiguity in the question. It's yes or no. Any sign of doubt on his part would be just as bad as saying no. Again, his fundie friends would be shocked at his hesitation.

I have some others I'll share another time...

Travel Tips: Part 3...

If you think you can't get french fries at Taco Bells in Alberta, Canada, you're mistaken. In fact, there's a good chance you can purchase french fries from Taco Bells throughout Canada. I'm not sure, though. I didn't check.