Roof It!...

This is the grade school I went to. It's also where famed blogger, Grant Miller, went. It had a big blacktop area in the back where kids would gather before school and play. One of our favorite pastimes was to bring in an old tennis ball and play catch for a little while until someone would yell "Roof it!" The person with the ball would then try to throw the ball up on the roof as some sort of juvenile sacrifice. It was a sign of strength to be able to throw it that high and earned the thrower a certain degree of respect.

We were morons.

Now kids just play with Game-Boys...

Enough With All The Bowling Leagues Already...

I'm thinking about starting a competitive Plinko league.

Joy-Boy...

Pee-pees and wee-wees...

Ha Ha!

*This post is dedicated to my good-time buddies. And Big Orange, who probably won't know what the hell this means.

My Hope For The Near Future...

I hope that one day we will devote as much effort to finding solutions to the current energy crisis as we do to developing a better toothbrush.

I mean, fuckin' a, it seems like there's a fucking technological breakthrough in toothbrush design every goddamn week. What more can they possibly do? How about taking some of the scientists working on toothbrush innovation and putting them to work on alternatives to fossil fuel. Either that, or figure out a way to harness the power of the toothbrush in such a way that it gets me to and from work each day.

Documentary Film Of The Day - F For Fake...

After checking IMDb.com, I realized that I'd only seen three things featuring Orson Welles: Citizen Kane, The Muppet Movie, and that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi animated feature he narrated that I remember from when I was little. I was excited to get to see him in a documentary and I wasn't disappointed. It's actually more of a hybrid documentary with some drama mixed in. I won't say too much about the content, other than that it is varied in pace and there are a lot of things to pay attention to. It's all about hoaxes and fakery. It's just the kind of strange film I like. Also, Mr. Welles is buttery-smooth in it.

Adventures In Stereotyping...

Anyone who drives a car with custom graphics is a bad driver.

I think I can safely say this after seeing some guy in a car yesterday with custom graphics. He was driving like a real jackass.

Can't Be Done...

Name me one person that doesn't think Scatman Crothers had a cool-sounding name.

This Is What Memorial Day Looks Like At My House...

For the record, that's beer, not pee, but it looks like pee.
That's enough to make it funny.

I Love Shit Like This!...

THIS is a video of Michael Cera (Arrested Development) and director Judd Apatow (40 Y.O. Virgin, Freaks & Geeks) getting into it on the set of the new "Knocked Up" movie.

I wish they'd make a movie that's nothing but outtakes...

More Suburban Reminiscence (Or, As I Call It, "Blog-Filler")...

Alright, fess up. Who else had "Freezy Freakies"? I didn't, but my brother did.

For my southern readers, "Freezy Freakies" were gloves that revealed a secret design that only showed up in the cold. It's the same basic concept as

Hypercolor t-shirts.

Tell Me Why This Couldn't Work...

Hear me out on this one...

Most of you are familiar with my loathe/hate relationship with Fux News. I think it'd be tough for anyone to support the notion, at this point, that Fox News is "fair and balanced". If you don't believe me, spend some time browsing Media Matters for any number of examples to the contrary.

Before I go on, let me just state that I don't have much faith in any of the other corporate media outlets. I think you will find examples of bias in both directions and that the search for the truth loses out in many cases to the need to appear "balanced". However, in the case of Fox, the sins are so egregious and blatant that action is warranted.

What I propose is a mass refusal by all liberals, democrats, progressives, or even republicans that "get it", to appear on air on Fox News. I'm not talking about boycotting watching Fox. I mean for people to stop going on their shows and answering their questions. Before you say it would never work, think about it:

• I don't think it would be too hard to illustrate to any left-leaning person that still thinks Fox is legitimate that it is, in fact, not. I think the people Fox refers to as the "far left" or "radical left" (or my group, the "loony left") are aware already and would support this.
• The smaller the group of liberal voices available to Fox News, the further they become isolated and the easier it will be to write them off. Currently they lead in ratings for the cable news stations. This has to change.
• Politicians from the left that continue to appear on Fox will eventually look like traitors and sell-outs. By appearing, they do nothing but feed the beast. Just think of how classic it would be to see a press conference where Dems say "I'm sorry, I don't take questions from Fox News."

You see, it's not about right or left. Well, it is, but it's more about responsible journalism. Fox News isn't responsible - not even close. Why would anyone continue to patronize a media outlet that operates in such a way? You might say "Well, these politicians want publicity any way they can get it." Really? They want to go on a show that, five minutes after they're off, will distort what they said and make fun of it? Seems dumb to me, but I'm not a politician. Plus, there are plenty of other places to have your voice heard these days besides Fox News.

It seems to me that the "starve the beast" strategy is the easiest and most effective way to neutralize Fox. Next you say, "Well, yeah, but without democrats on Fox, there won't be anyone to call them on their bullshit." My response would be "Fine by me." If all they ever had on were republicans, then they would quickly become obsolete and could be treated as such.

A Vision Of Loveliness...

I am so hard right now...

Big Shit This Weekend...

Don't worry. This isn't a post about some big dump I took (although that gives me an idea...).

This weekend was full of excitement:

• My pal, Frank, got engaged on Mackinac Island up by me.
• While on Mackinac, Frank and his UCF* found me a t-shirt. How they were able to find a t-shirt shop on the island is beyond me. They were also able to find some fudge against all odds.
  
• I lost three golf balls on the first tee of Ye Nyne Olde Holes golf course.
• My pal Dave brought two big-ass pork shoulders and grilled them to perfection for some outstanding pulled pork sammies (or sangwiches, if you prefer).
• We went canoeing/kayaking down the Jordan River, but no one got baptised.
• I drank so much on Saturday, I had to lie down for a while. That hasn't happened in a LONG time.

Thanks to all who attended! Same time next year?

Characters...

You'll often hear people described as characters. Usually it implies a certain eccentricity, quirkiness, and/or uniqueness. I've known many characters. One of them was Verner Johnson.

When I first moved to Michigan I applied to work as a tour guide for a bike tour company in Northern Michigan (aptly named Michigan Bicycle Touring). I was new to the area and loved to bike, so I was excited about the chance to meet people and enjoy a lot of the beauty of our state from the seat of my bike. Vern was one of the first people I met and probably the one I ended up doing the most tours with. He was in his early eighties at the time.

The guy was a machine. He could ride 60 miles through hilly terrain without blinking. He was an inspiration to the people on our tours. They figured if Vern could do it in his eighties, so could they. He always had a smile or a joke at the ready. He was a total goofball and was extremely sharp. I never saw him get pissed off or frustrated - often a challenge when dealing with finicky tourists. I had to pick him up on my way to a two-week tour in the U.P. and got to see where he lived. He lived out in the country and generated all his heat from a mountain of firewood that he chopped himself. He didn't shower, but would take saunas like many Finnish people do.

He was married three times and I think each divorce had a story. I know one turned out to be a lesbian. Another wanted him to quit the bike touring and gave him an ultimatum - her or the tours. He stuck with the tours. He had been in World War II as a pilot and still flew an airplane into his eighties.

I lost touch with Vern after the tour company stopped operating a few years ago. I just got word that he died recently after a short stay in an assisted living facility. He was a neat guy and a pleasure to know. I hope one day I'll be considered as much of a "character" as he was.

Memorial Day...

I couldn't very well leave for the weekend with a picture of Osammy at the top of my page, especially not THIS weekend. I wish all of you a happy three-day weekend. I'll be one-half to seven-eighths in the bag until my return on Tuesday. In the meantime, get your patriotism ON with THIS.

Remember: Freedom ISN'T free, although Wal-Mart has it on sale for dirt cheap!

Where You Bin?...

At today's press blowjob - I mean conference - the Dubster was asked yet again about the search for Osama. He gave his tired line about how he's hiding in a remote blah blah blah and that we are searching for him. As you can imagine, I'm skeptical.

If, in fact, we have his whereabouts pinned to a region in Pakistan, do they expect me to believe that with all our suveillance capabilities and technological superiority we still cannot find this guy after six years? It seems hard to believe.

I know all about the fact that the Pakistani government is reluctant to stick it's neck out in the volatile region in which he's supposed to be hiding and help us. But if that's the case - if we know he's in Pakistan - then would the logic that Dubya used for Iraq apply to Pakistan? Is Osama more or less evil that Saddam? We invaded a sovereign nation to take him out. Why not here? Because Pakistan has nukes? I'm way oversimplifying the situation, but I just can't accept that we can't find him despite all our "searching".

I'm starting to believe that Osama is just some sort of CGI concoction perpetrated by William Kristol and Richard Perle.

Run For The Hills!...

Now there's another one.

It looks like the kid's got his grandfather's sneer.

Lynne better hold him tight, lest Dick try to eat him.

I Am Easily Amused...

Here's proof...

Truth In Advertising...

I gotta tell you, I've had some crumbelievable cheese in my day, but nothing that even approached the crumbelievability of Kraft Crumbles. I honestly could not crumbelieve that cheese could taste so good. My whole crumbelief system has been shaken to its core.

I may never crumbelieve anything ever again...




*Disclaimer: I had a feeling that Grant Miller had posted something on the topic of crumbelievability and I was right. See LINK. If you ask me, Grant is pretty crumbelievable himself.

Sans Pantaloons, Ladies & Gentlemen...

This is wrong on any number of levels...

Thanks, Sans!

The Dubya Portraits...

The entries have been trickling in. Frankly, I was hoping for more out of my artist chums out there (*cough*Frank, Phil, Geo, Dave), but hey, people are busy. I understand.

Here is one from Flannery:I like the devils on each shoulder.

Here is one from GKL: LINK (Nice animation)

Here is one from Anon. (Bubbles): LINK (She enlisted the help of her children!)

Here is on from Mixed Nut: LINK (The "douchebag" on the forehead is a nice touch)

Here is one from Jen @ Casual Slack:Obviously shows a lot of work and attention to detail.

And this was sent to me from my pal, Don. It's a little off-topic, but funny nonetheless:

Marvin Nash...

Poor bastard...



You remember him. Frankie Ferchetti introduced you two about five months ago.

Eight-Ball...

I was recently tagged by Slinger to list eight things about me. I'm glad to comply. As you may have noticed, my content as of late has been lackluster. However, it's gonna be tricky to think up eight things you don't know. I've told you too much already. If some of this is a re-hash, my apologies...

• I sat next to late film critic, Gene Siskel, at a Chicago Bulls game. It was in the old Chicago Stadium. I didn't say a word to him the whole game because I didn't want to annoy him.
• I've worn boxers since high school.
• The only time I was arrested was when I was a senior in high school. I was in a bar in Mt. Vernon, Iowa. I was drinking underage. The cops took me and another guy outside and put us up against the wall and frisked us. Because I was under 18, they had to send a letter to my parents. I ran home from school everyday for weeks to intercept the mail before my mom got to it. I finally got it and destroyed it. My parents never found out. I told each of them about it recently for the first time.
• I've been to Disney World twice in my life. No offense to those of you who love it, but the thought of ever going back makes me cringe.
• I got a haircut today. It's OK.
  
• My mom used to work at a hospital and had to call people about their hospital bills. She kept a list of funny names she had to call. The best one was Rosemary Fucknut. This is not a joke.
• The very first time I was allowed to drive the family car after getting my license I caught the passenger's side rearview mirror on the garage door jamb while backing out and bent it backwards. I felt like an asshole.
  
• When I was little, I hated my name. I thought it sounded girly. One day I alerted my family that they should just call me Mike from now on. They didn't.

I'm supposed to tag others, but I'd rather not. If, like me, you are having trouble coming up with new material, have at it!

A Fro Of My Own...

My last post had me reminiscing about how I really wanted to have an afro as a young child.

Can't you just picture me asking Willis what he's talkin' 'bout?

I'll Take "You're A Pompous Ass" for 200, Alex...

I'm borrowing this from Vikki, who in turn borrowed it from McSweeney's. Mostly I wanted to post this awesome pic of Trebek with a massive 'fro. I'm also a big Jeopardy fan. Here is a list of Jeopardy categories I feel confident I could beat all-time champion Ken Jennings at:

• Brady Bunch Guest Stars
• 20th Century Toilet Literature
• Stupid Shit Intellectuals Probably Won't Know
• Name That Odor
• Ice Cream Novelties
• Freshwater Fish Anatomy
• Cursewords
• Imbecilic Elected Officials
• Documentary Filmmakers
• Obscure Architectural Terms
• Freedom-hating 101
• Blog-pourri

PS- I'm still accepting Dubya pics. I've only gotten two thus far (and GKL has an animated one, but I can't get it to work).

Apparently I have a lot of "Suddenly Susan" fans that read this blog.

A Contest!...

Fucking christ! Another damn Dubya post!? Enough already!

Sort of. This one involves audience participation.

First, my apologies for the ultra-lame posts today. Those nicknames sapped me of my creative abilities. I hope everyone liked theirs. I know most of 'em don't make a lick of sense, but that was kinda the point. If anyone is dissatisfied, you can appeal and ask for a new one. The thing is, you can only do it once. It's a roll of the dice, too. Your new one may be better or it may be worse. If you do opt for a new one, that's what you're stuck with, period, so think about it first.

OK, back to the contest. Many of you remember as kids going through magazines and altering the faces of famous people with a ballpoint pen. It was fun, right? Hell, I still get a kick out of it. What I've provided is a fairly hi-res photo of your president. I assume most of you have some sort of photo-editing software (I used Microsoft Paint). I'd like to compile a gallery of as many renditions of this photo as I can. Go nuts with it. You can either post them on your own blogs and leave me a comment or e-mail them to me at someguy@andsomeguy.com. Once I have enough I'll post them and we can choose which we like best.

Or you can stick your thumb up your butt and watch reruns of "Suddenly Susan". The choice is yours...


Here's an extremely rudimentary example of what I'm thinking of:

Cursive...

Every once in a while, for whatever reason, I'm required to write something in cursive. I can barely do it. When I finish it looks like some little kid was practicing or worse.

Do you guys write in cursive? Do they still teach this shit in school? Do I need a refresher course?

Newt Gingrich Thinks He's Smart...

Don't be fooled by all his big words or his supposed knowledge of history.

Fact is, he ain't.

Smart, that is...

Why?...

Why'd the Bears have to lose the fucking Super Bowl?

Fucking stupid assholes...

A New Service...

In my never-ending quest to be as much like George W. Bush as I can, I am offering a new service to all my blog visitors. Dubya is known to have a penchant for nicknaming people. Since none of you will ever get within two feet of him, I'm prepared to fill the void. Just leave a request in the comments and I'll give you your own nickname. Some of you may already have a nickname or two, but that doesn't matter. Before you do, though, three things:

• The nickname I give you may or may not have anything to do with you, your personality, or your appearance.
• If the nickname I give you sounds like it may be offensive, I assure you, no offense will have been intended.
• I will try to respond promptly. I know there will be a lot of people clamoring for their new monikers, so just be patient and I'll get to you each in due time.
  

O.K. Step right up. Who's first?

Creed...

"The Office" finale was fucking great, as usual. I've found that anytime Creed is on, I laugh out loud without fail. Every scene he's in is a winner.

A Follow-Up To The Squinch Post...

While collecting information for my squinch post, I happened upon a related architectural element I was unaware of - muqarnas. You can read about them if you like, but I really just wanted to show this pretty example of them. This is the Shah Mosque in Isfahan, Iran.

How To Eat A Little Debbie Swiss Cake Roll...

When I was younger, my mom would provide us with Little Debbie-brand snacks: Nutty Bars, Star Crunches, Oatmeal Cremes, and Swiss Cake Rolls. Swiss Cake Rolls were the poor man's Ho-Hos. I would hate to contemplate how many of these bad-boys I consumed during my formative years. I always ate them the same way:

• First, turn the roll upside-down. You'll find a flattened-out part where the roll was on the conveyor. You'll notice a little ridge of chocolate on the underside (red arrow).
• Gently bite into the ridge and peel away the chocolate frosting from the cake. If you are skilled you can remove the chocolate layer in one continuous piece.
• Eat outer chocolate.
• You now have the cake part with the creme filling. At this point I would begin to unroll the remainder like a sleeping bag, pulling at the end by the blue arrow.
• During the unrolling process, the cake part will most likely break apart at the point designated by the yellow arrow. Don't get discouraged. Eat this chunk of cake and creme.
• You are left with a cylinder of cake and creme. Eat it.
• You're done! Now wash your hands, turn off the TV, and go play outside. You've been inside long enough and it's a beautiful day.
  

Architecture Lesson For The Day...

The word "pendentive" sounds like an adjective, as in "The man was pendentive as he stood waiting for a cab." It's actually a noun that describes a particular architectural element. It is defined as a spherical triangle that acts as a transition between a circular dome and a square base on which the dome is set. This is not to be confused with a "squinch" (one of my favorite architectural terms).
A squinch is an arch or a system of concentrically wider and gradually projecting arches, placed at the corners of a square base to act as the transition to a circular dome placed on the base.

You are now prepared for the day this might appear on Jeopardy...

Pimp My Ride...

I've watched enough reality television to know what's good and what's doo-doo. One of my favorites is MTV's "Pimp My Ride". Now, you have every right to give me shit about this. Sure, what they do to these cars is completely decadent and excessive and there is probably a more effective way to use the money spent, but it's still fun. A few of the things I like about it:

• It's short. It's only a half hour show. For those of you who have watched MTV shows, you know that this comes out to about seven minutes after commercials.
• There's no competition or back-stabbing as in other reality shows.
• It seems like a nice gesture to treat someone who drives a piece of shit to a complete auto makeover. Any of you who have driven beaters know how good it would feel to drive something that looks good and runs.
• There is a creative process. I love shows where you get to see people building shit.

I'll grant you that there's a chance that there are things happening that I may not be aware of, like they may just give shitty cars to the kids of MTV execs and then pimp them. All I can say is it seems authentic to me.

What they have not done yet is install an actual functioning, flushable toilet in one of the cars. Perhaps they're saving it for the season finale.

Dorito Breath...

Man, that shit is RANK!

Why Mike Huckabee Can't Win...

Beside the fact that you probably don't know who he is, here are a few reasons Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee won't win the presidential nomination:

• I heard him say "doggone" during the debate last night. Anyone who says doggone is telling the world that they are a lame-o of the highest magnitude. My apologies to those of you who use doggone regularly.
• His name makes people think of this guy:
  

He also is one of the three that doesn't believe in evolution, but that's probably a plus for him in the primaries.

Oh Boy!...

Tomorrow starts the beginning of the annual Boyne City Mushroom Festival.

I'm marching in the parade dressed as a spore.




Actually, there is no parade. I will probably avoid the whole thing altogether unless I have a hankering for funnel cake, which is likely.

I Don't Get It...

Could someone please explain to me why Rudy Giuliani is considered some sort of security expert? I often hear news-types talking about how he "played to his strength - security".

Why? It's not like he prevented 9-11. What the fuck did he do that was so extraordinary? From what I've read, there were a lot of fuck-ups attributable to him that people seem to afraid to press him on. He's like some 9-11 sacred cow.

It's like as long as he didn't freak out and lose his cool, he'd be guaranteed hero status.

I'm sorry, Rudester, but what Ron Paul said (our foreign policy contributed to the 9-11 attacks) has validity. The fact that you choose to deny that there is more to it than "they hate us for our freedoms" speaks to how short-sighted you are - a presidential quality we've become all too familiar with, lo these past six years.

Mysterious...

Like me, some of you were frequent visitors to The World According To Zed. I was introduced to Zed's blog during an intense Seinfeld trivia contest (in which I completely dominated, btw). She was big into popular culture and commented here often. She has not posted anything since late February and did not give any indication that she was taking a break or quitting. I hope that everything's alright.

It's strange to think that people we come to know through our blogs can vanish, just like that. I mean, if I were to be killed in the night by angry Mormons, you all would probably find out about it through other bloggers. However, that's probably not the case for everyone. I'm not sure what my point is other than it's sort of strange. Does anyone have any information as to what happened to her?

In her honor, I'm posting more boring video. Turn up the volume and see if you can place what's in the background:

He Ded...

Reported cause of death: pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, and People For the American Way.

Private Eyes...

Hall & Oates are watchin' you.

They see your every fucking move, bitches.

They're seriously watchin' you, watchin' you, watchin' you, watchin' you...

Especially Oates.

I'm Sorry, But...

Everytime I see presidential candidate Mitt Romney, I can't help wondering whether...

...he's got his garments on.



You see, Mormon people wear these.

Let Evel Knievel Get ON the plane, I'm getting IN The Plane...

George Carlin turned 70 years old yesterday and I fucking missed it!

George is one of my heroes. He is a national treasure.