An Evil Blog...

The rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

SHIT (11x) FUCKING (7x) FUCK (6x) ZOMBIE (2x) DICK (1x)

These numbers seem low to me. And "zombie"? Is that bad?
Cunt is way worse than zombie and when I search it on my blog, it turns up seven times (Yay me!).

So, yeah, keep your kids away from this dark corner of the interwebs.


If you haven't done this yourselves and want to, go HERE. This came to me via Francis of The Sirmarco Letters via Bubs, etc.

I Know My Posts Have Been Shit Lately, But...

It's so quiet around here I can hear crickets fucking.

Was it the Tancredo post? I swear, things will get better.

A Catholic Cardinal's Day At The Beach...

Or else it's just a really pious dude from New Jersey.

Hard to say...

A Realization...

I read back over some recent posts I wrote and you know what?

I can be pretty fucking sarcastic.

Beware Of Wackos In Flight Suits!...

I'm sure many of you who follow "the politics" like I do heard how Tom "Crazy-Eyes" Tancredo proposed bombing the holy sites of Mecca and Medina as the best way to deter a nuclear terrorist attack on the U.S.

I figured when he was asked about it in yesterday's republican debate that he'd try to deny it or at least parse it in some way so that he didn't look like such a lunatic. No dice. He actually said something (I couldn't find the exact quote) to the effect that any serious presidential candidate should be supporting this option.

Tom, Tom, Tom. Hold up a sec. Don't you think that's, I don't know, a bit soft? I mean, where's the suffering? Just bombing them lets them off a bit easy, don'tcha think? Wouldn't a more symbolic gesture be more appropriate? How about we anally sodomize all those innocent Muslims you want to bomb with large crucifixes, then make them listen to 48 hours of old Falwell sermons, THEN bomb them. That way they'll really see the error of their ways.

See, Tom, that's the Christian thing to do. It's all about hearts and minds...




This is the intellect of a sitting congressman and presidential candidate? Fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Norway, here I fucking come!

The Jeez-meister...

It makes me smile to think about the disciples calling Jesus "Jeez". Like Peter saying, "Jeez, dude, could you pass the hummus?"

Actually, I think they all spoke Aramaic or some shit, so I'm probably being unrealistic. Fuck it, though. I've got free will and an imagination, so I can conjure up what the fuck I please. You know who I have to thank for that?

Baby Jesus.

Film Festival Review...

Aren't you glad that creepy Dubya photo is gone? Me too.

I had a kick-ass time at the Traverse City Film Festival yesterday. I will definitely attend next year and I may look into volunteering at it. As for the movies:

• The first one we saw was "Chicago 10". I liked it a lot. It was a neat combination of archival footage of the 1968 Democratic Convention riots and animated re-enactment of the ensuing trial of Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, et al, using what I assume were court transcripts. It had great music and was fast-paced. Some of the sound was poor, but not enough to spoil it. If you're interested in this era or dirty hippie protesters in general, check it out.
• Next we saw "In The Shadow Of The Moon" about the Apollo space program. What was neat was that it was all in the words of the Apollo astronauts. There was no other narration. It was great to see this one on the big screen. It had a lot of the archive footage you've probably seen (first moon landing), but a lot of stuff you probably haven't. I'm still convinved the whole thing was faked. Actually, while the credits rolled, a few of them addressed the conspiracy theory. One wondered "Why would we have faked it nine times?" Yeah, sounds exactly like something a faker would say. (Just kidding. I don't think it was fake.)
• Finally, Mike's Surprise was Michael Moore showing some never-before-seen footage from "Sicko". He also took a bunch of questions from the audience. For anyone that hasn't seen "Sicko", check it out. Even if you don't like Michael Moore. It's not as jokey as his other stuff and he's in it a lot less. Anyone who sees it and still believes we have superior health care to, well, any other industrialized nation is fucking ignorant.

Thanks again to Megan for a wonderful day of movies!

I Just Remembered!...

I can run for president now!





Get a load of my kick-ass Photoshop skillz. Actually, I don't have any good photo editing software on this computer. Imagine how much more awesome this post could've been if I did. I could have at least blended it a little and matched the skintones. I guess if you squint a little, it's not half bad.

Consider Me Geeked...

For my birthday, my wonderful girlfriend got us both passes to three movies at the Traverse City Film Festival this Sunday.

Huh? Traverse City? Where the hell is that?

Actually, this event gets bigger and bigger each year. It's put together by local shit-disturber Michael Moore. He lives a few towns over from me.

Those of you who follow this blog know I love movies, especially documentaries. The films we'll be seeing include:

• Chicago 10, Synopsis: Brett Morgen ("The Kid Stays in the Picture") directs this innovative political documentary about the trial following protests of the 1968 Chicago Democratic National Convention. The filmmaker combines archival footage with motion-capture animation to create a dramatic, original retelling of this important moment in American political history. Featuring the voices of Mark Ruffalo, Nick Nolte, Jeffrey Wright, Liev Schreiber, and Hank Azaria. Selected as the Opening Night Film of this year's Sundance Film Festival. Not Rated
• In The Shadow Of The Moon, Synopsis: A huge hit at Sundance (winner of the Audience Award and nominated for Grand Jury Prize), this new doc from David Sington offers an intimate look at the Apollo space program. Sington mixes his own recent interviews with astronauts with breathtaking, never-before-seen archival footage. Both novel and nostalgic, this feel-good doc gives refreshing perspective to the achievements of a country which once believed it could move humanity forward - and did. Rated PG (mild language, brief violent images and incidental smoking). Note: Some of you know that I love anything having to do with the space program, so this one should be a good one.
• Mike's Surprise, Synopsis: What is Mike's Surprise? Festival founder Michael Moore shows up with... a sneak preview of a big Hollywood movie? A buried treasure that the public hasn't seen in years? Some of his home movies? Nobody knows until the last day of the festival, sometimes not even Mike. Whatever it is, only the curious and the brave should attend.
  

Three Random Things That Give Me Chills Every Time...

1. When I hear Martin Luther (the) King's "I Have A Dream" speech. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. This has to be one of the most beautiful speeches ever, both in content and delivery. I have a CD by this group "Moodswings" that incorporates the speech into one of their tracks. It gets me every time.


2. The part in the Paul Simon song "Obvious Child", when the drums end and Paul stars singing "Oooooo, oo-oo-oo-ooooo. Oo-oo-oo-oooo..." Something about it. It's so pretty.


3. The final scene in "Star Wars: A New Hope", when the music kicks in. Leia is there, looking fly in her princess garb. The three heroes make the long walk in. The feeling of triumph. I love it.

August Second...

Well, it's the 214th day of the year. Only 151 more to go! Lot's of cool shit happened on this day in history:

• 1776 - Delegates to the Continental Congress begin signing the United States Declaration of Independence.
• 1790 - The first US Census is conducted.
• 1931 - Einstein urges all scientists to refuse military work.
• 1937 - The Marihuana Tax Act of 1937 is passed in America, essentially rendering marijuana and all its by-products illegal.
• 1939 - Albert Einstein and Leó Szilárd write a letter to Franklin D. Roosevelt urging him to begin the Manhattan project to develop a nuclear weapon.
• 1964 - Vietnam War: Gulf of Tonkin Incident - North Vietnamese gunboats allegedly fires on U.S. destroyers, USS Maddox and the USS Turner Joy.
• 1990 - Gulf War: Iraq invades Kuwait, eventually leading to conflict with coalition forces.

Born this day:

• 1924 - Carroll O'Connor (Archie Bunker)
• 1932 - Peter O'Toole (Lawrence Of Arabia)
• 1939 - Wes Craven (Filmmaker)
  
• 1953 - Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster)
• 1964 - Mary-Louise Parker (Nancy Botwin of "Weeds")
• 1970 - Kevin Smith (Guy who made "Clerks")
• 1972 - Some Guy

(This post is part of a tag by Teri from a while back that I've been saving until now.)

I Want To Ski Heavenly Now...

I'm sitting here watching Warren Miller's film "Journey". I've posted about Warren Miller films before. One of the segments of the film is with Glen Plake skiing at Heavenly in Lake Tahoe. It looked pretty impressive. I'm not sure what the quality of skiing is there, but the scenery is pretty fucking breathtaking. Has anyone skied there or heard anything about the area?

I love skiing films.

A Lesson In How To Look Tough Without Actually Being Tough...

If you're like me and you're not into punching people, screaming obscenities at close range, or generally displaying your machismo, a good way to establish your toughness is to spit. I often employ this tactic when I visit construction sites in order to assimilate. Nothing looks quite as tough as spitting. The key is to appear nonchalant. Don't make a big production out of it, but at the same time make sure that people notice it. Don't overdo it. If you do it too much, others will mistake it for a health condition and it will defeat the whole purpose. Be sure to practice in front of a mirror to make sure you don't look foolish. You will be amazed at the respect you'll be afforded with a well-executed spit.

I'm A Crybaby...

I'm usually on a pretty even-keel when it comes to my emotions. I don't cry very often. My tear ducts remain dormant, for the most part, with the exception of the times I happen to view certain movies.

However, during the last year I've probably shed more tears than I have in the last ten combined. Many involve airport goodbyes before Megan moved here. Yesterday I was a blubbering, snot-dripping mess. My mom made the excruciating decision to put down our family dog, Bubba. Bubba was our only dog (sorry I don't have a pic) and had been with us for the last 15 years. Like anyone's dog, he was the best - loyal, playful, and unconditionally loving. In his later years he developed arthritis and lost much of his sight and hearing, yet still maintained a vitality that precluded any consideration of euthanasia. Ultimately, though, his quality of life declined to the point where the only humane thing was to end his suffering. It will be tough to think about going back to my mom's and not seeing him and how excited he'd get when we'd come home.

I'll miss you, Bub-meister!

Megan, Honey, Don't Read This Post...

Well, dear readers, there are a few things I've been wanting to post about and I thought I'd try to kill a few birds with one stone. A while ago I created an account at a poll-generating site, so I wanted to incorporate a poll. I also wanted to do a gross-out post, something involving poo and odors. Check, check, and check! Remember, this is a secret ballot, so don't be shy. Feel free to share any personal experiences in the comments section, should the mood strike you. By the way, mine is pork. No question.

Consumption of which meat group results in the stinkiest turds?
	Beef
	Pork
	Lamb
	Poultry
	Fish (not shellfish)
	Shellfish
	Rabbit
	Venison
	Horse/Dog
Free polls from Pollhost.com

While You're In There, See If You Can Find His Heart And His Brain...

The FBI has searched supreme douchebag Senator Ted Steven's residence.

For those of you new to this blog, I'm not a big fan of Teddy's. He's the internet is a "series of tubes" dickhead. He sucks. That's all you need to know. Actually, you should read up on what a piss-bag this fuck is, but only if you haven't reached your contempt limit for the day.

More On Weeds...

After watching Season One of "Weeds" (almost a year ago), I posted about how great I thought it was.

I've just finished watching Season Two and would like to renew my praise. Holy shit! All you Netflixers need to get on this shit if you haven't already. Don't sweat it if you're not a dope fiend. You'll still enjoy it. I liken it a little bit to a darker version of "Arrested Development". Great characters and performances and a lot of shit you never saw coming. The finale was outstanding. It's a shame I'll have to wait so long to see Season Three.

A New Direction...

Abercrombie & Fitch is trying
something new for this year's fall catalog.



The funny thing is, if they did, I might actually consider shopping there.

Bra...

I know. The title of the post is "Bra" and here I am posting a picture of the "Bro". I actually wish bras were called bros. See, the word "bra" always throws me for a loop (or two, as the case may be). I have never settled on how to pronounce it. Sometimes I feel I should pronounce it "braw", like cole SLAW. Other times I say it like "braah", kinda like the sound that a sheep makes. It's this indecision that makes me uneasy, which leads to sweating and involuntary muscle spasms.

So, if you're ever around me, please don't ask me to talk about bras. I'll clam up and get all red and you might get the impression that I'm weird.

Important Announcement...

Even in my remote neck of the woods, we have a Home Depot and a Lowe's. In fact, they are pretty much right next to each other. From now on, I'm buying my shit at Lowe's. This is because Lowe's has said they will no longer advertise on The O'Reilly Factor. Home Depot is unwilling to take this step and is, in fact, a huge Dubya donor.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, but stop shopping at Home Depot and go to Lowe's instead. I'm sure they're evil in some other way, but at least they don't fund O'Reilly, lying-ass prick that he is.

Bubs Asks, I Answer...

My pal Bubs had a few questions for me, so here goes:

1. You're stuck in a flesh-eating zombie apocalypse. Would you rather deal with Romero shambling zombies who are learning to use tools and weapons, or insensible but crazy fast Dawn of the Dead remake zombies? Compare and contrast.

I'm going to cheat a little and opt for the nice, cuddly zombies that only want the best for their non-undead counterparts. That'd be a twist - a zombie movie where the zombies are the protagonists. It's worth a shot.

2. Who's the first female cartoon or comic book character you had a crush on?
Miss Buxley

3. What makes your wife/girlfriend/significant other a saint in regards to her relationship with you?

Just about everything, but mainly the gold and black New Orleans jersey and helmet. Oh, I forgot to mention, Megan is going to be starting left tackle next season.

4. Batman or James Bond?

Batman or James Bond what? You're gonna have to be more specific. IYou mean, like, who'd I rather have a beer with? Well, Bond only seems to drink martinis, so I guess I'll drink with Batman.

5. If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do (assuming you're not already doing it now) what would it be? For a living, for fun, whatever.

I'd be a jazz musician or have a career in woodworking (furniture, carving, whatever).

Odometric Milestones...

Do you feel a slight twinge of excitement when you notice your odometer rolling over to a large, round number like 50,000 or 100,000, as if it's a significant event?

I do, too. Why? It's really quite meaningless. It's certainly no more significant than any of the other miles rolling over.

I think it's because we have to be somewhat selective in the mileage changes we celebrate. If we got giddy every time the odometer changed, people would think we were fucking nuts.



By the way, I did this post in my underwear.

A Night At The Cinema With: Gary Coleman...

This is a new segment in which I highlight three films of a great actor of our time. This way, you'll have an easy reference for when you want to stay in and really delve into the works of a particular artist. I think there can be little dispute that no actor during the 1980's had the sort of box office gravitas that Gary Coleman did. He was a pint-sized blockbuster factory, churning out one boffo smash after the next. Here are three that I think demand your immediate attention:

• The Kid From Left Field (1979), Notable co-stars include: Robert Guillaume, Ed McMahon, and Gary Collins. A feel-good tale that portrays young Gary as Jackie Robinson (J.R.) Cooper, the son of ex-baseball great Guillaume. He is tasked with managing the last place Padres (never mind the fact that he's pre-pubescent), in all their shit-brown-and-urine-yellow glory, and taking them into first, all while trying to keep authorities from separating him from his cash-strapped dad. Make sure you have a box of Kleenex ready.
• On The Right Track (1981), Notable co-stars include: Maureen Stapleton, Norman Fell, and Bill Russell. A feel-good tale about a kid who lives in a locker in Grand Central Station. It's not just any kid, but a kid that has an incredible knack for picking racehorses. The film plays up the fact that Mr. Coleman is diminutive in stature and, thus, can tolerate living in such a confined space. The film is heavy on laughs...and tears. Better bring some Kleenex.
• The Kid With The Broken Halo (1982), Notable co-stars: Robert Guillaume (again), Corey Feldman, and Kim Fields. Here, in this feel-good tale, Coleman plays Andy LeBeau, a misfit angel who is given one more chance to earn his wings. He is charged with keeping a family from breaking up, cheering up a grumpy old woman, and showing a workaholic family the error of their ways. Along the way all sorts of funny shit happens, but there is plenty of raw emotion. I hope you have some of that Kleenex left!
  

Awkward...

One of the most awkward few minutes on TV each day has got to be the Q & A segment on Jeopardy after the first commercial break. It has sucked for as long as I can remember. The contestant's anecdotes are unfailingly lame, but not nearly as lame as the questions Alex asks them. The whole thing is totally uncomfortable.

It's almost as if Alex Trebek has no experience interacting with other people at all.

Me First...

Why is it that the few times I need to put a little air in my tires there's some jerkweed at the pump putting air in THEIR tires at the exact same time? What's up with this shit!? I mean, I can't be expected to wait for this yutz to finish doing the thing that I had wanted to do? So what if he got there first? He is impeding my productivity. The whole idea of "free air" is that I'm free to use it at any time without having to sit there while nerdo fills his tires. Doesn't he know I have to get home and tell all of you about this inconvenient experience? I can't afford to wait on his ass!