I Love Mowing The Lawn...

Naming Afflictions...

Irritable Bowel Syndrome (or IBS) was first referenced in the Rocky Mountain Medical Journal in 1950. However, at the time there was some debate over what to call this condition. A few of the other names suggested included:

• Cantankerous Colon Syndrome
  
• Surly Intestine Syndrome
  
• Annoyed Rectum Syndrome
  
• Quick-Tempered Anus Syndrome
  
• Easily Offended Abdomen Syndrome
  
• Ticked-Off Torso Syndrome
• Grumpy Gut Syndrome
  
• Perturbed Poop-Chute Syndrome

I've Got $0.17 In My Pocket...

The thing is, I'm pretty sure that, left to my own devices, I will blow it all in one place. To avoid that temptation, I'm going over to the bank and deposit it immediately. I've already got the deposit slip all filled out. Luckily, there's a drive-thru at my bank because I just don't have the time to find a parking spot, undo my seatbelt, get out of the car, walk inside, wait in some line, walk back to my car, put on my seatbelt, readjust my mirrors, get nervous, undo my seatbelt, get out of the car, pop the trunk and check for serial killers, close the trunk, open the door, put on my seatbelt, readjust my mirrors, and start the car. I've got shit to do.

The Rain...

The band Tones On Tail certainly isn't for everyone, but this song seemed fitting for what it's like where I am today. I don't expect many of you to watch or listen, but maybe there are some fans out there or at least people who want to expand their musical horizons. It's kinda trippy and there are naked boobies in the video. I'm not sure how they made it past the YouTube censors. Maybe it's because they're artistic boobies.

For My Canadian Readers...

I have been very vocal on this blog about my affection towards Canada. I even put it on my "Love List" right after pork bbq. I have always enjoyed my travels to your beautiful country. I am grateful to have gotten to know so many of you through this blog. So, it is out of love that I ask you:

How is it you people are still alive?

All we hear down here in Jesusland is how shoddy and antiquated your health care system is. We have been told that your standard protocol for treatment of bone fractures is immediate amputation with a rusty butter knife while anesthesia is administered with a dull hockey stick blade. As we understand it, you still haven't conquered the most rudimentary of afflictions - things like polio and athlete's foot. They tell us you still practice bloodletting for heaven's sake!

So how do you guys do it? How do you manage to type out your blogs without coating your keyboards with the phlegm and blood you are no doubt hacking up continuously throughout the day. Take your time. I know that your fingertips are covered in sores and that typing can make you winded.

The New Economy...

This photo was sent to me by blog-pal Pyzahn. I've got to say that I really appreciate the entrepreneurial spirit of this young man. How ingenious to combine the necessity of clothing with a mobile income-generator that still allows him to conduct business on his cell phone. It is this kind of industriousness that will help get our country out of the current financial crisis.

Just be sure when you go to retrieve your purchase you grab the right gumball. Well, I shouldn't say the right gumball, but rather the correct gumball.

A Post About Questions...

I love questions. I love to ask them. I love to answer them. As far as I'm concerned, the more questions, the better. Here are a few random thoughts about questions:

• If you've ever seen the show Inside The Actor's Studio, you know that there's a segment where James Lipton asks the interviewee ten questions. The first one is always "What's your favorite word?" A lot of them give lame answers like "yes" or "love" or "infarction". Okay, infarction is pretty cool, but my all-time favorite word is "question". For one, I like the way it sounds. It's a word you really have to chew when you say it - KWESS-chun. Try it. I also like the efficiency of words that are both nouns and verbs. Plus, It's got "quest" in it and quests are bitchin'.
• I disagree with the idea that there are no stupid questions, but not in the sense that certain questions are stupid based on the information they are trying to elicit. If you genuinely want to know something but aren't sure, for fuck's sake ask - no matter how obvious the answer may seem. I think the stupid questions are the ones people ask when they really don't give a shit what the answer is.
• A lot of my favorite questions start "I wonder what would happen if you...?", followed closely by ones that start "Why is it that...?"
• People who don't like questions are typically people I try to avoid.
  
• I realize that, were I a parent, I might not be as big a fan of questions as I am now. I remember riding the chairlift while ski patrolling with a little kid who asked me a question, then followed every one of my responses by asking "Why?" Must've been about twenty of them. Once it becomes clear that no matter what I say the kid will continue to ask why, I fall back on my fail-safe answer - Baby Jesus. It usually puts a stop to it.

Any questions?

Old Man River...

If you've been watching my series of "singing-in-the-car" videos, you're probably under the misconception that I don't have a very good singing voice. I made this video to dispel that ridiculous notion. As usual, Megan tried to sabotage my efforts.


Production note: Trying to come up with posts lately has been like trying to eject the most stubborn of turds. It's been a real struggle. I've really had to grit my teeth and bear down, so unfortunately for you, dear reader, whatever comes out is what you get.

Some Obscure, Borderline Non-Existent Humor For All The Paul Scofield Fans Out There...

A Man For All Seasons

A Man For One Season

I Thought This Was Appropriate For Today...

This is not safe for work and will probably upset you if you happen to be anti-choice. If you still have not spent time listening to the late Bill Hicks, please do so immediately. He was a fucking genius.

More HERE.

Q-Tip: A Day In The Life...

There is a fuck-up (beside the fact that I made this ridiculous video at all). See if you can find it.

How I Spent My Memorial Day Weekend...

He's Berry Clever...

According to this little blurb on IMDb.com today, actress Halle Berry has, in the past, used the intronets to meet people and have "normal" conversations without revealing her true identity. She explains, "I never went so far as a date. But I've gone online and pretended to be someone else, in an attempt to have some anonymity."

After reading this, despite the fact that "his" conversations are primarily abnormal, I have come to the conclusion that still-anonymous That Blue Yak author, Dr. Zibbs, is actually none other than Charlotte Rae, television's Edna Garrett.

Until I have photographic evidence to the contrary, what else am I supposed to believe?

Liquid Smoke...

I want to know when someone's going to develop Solid Smoke.
You know, smoke you can really sink your teeth into.
Smoke you can slice up and put on a sandwich.

They Just Greenlit My Screenplay!...

Awesome news, right? Now, my contract prohibits me from getting into any specific story points -- you know, the "gritty-gritty" -- but I can tell you to think of it as

Gandhi

meets

Point Break.

It can't miss.

We Have A Toaster!?...

I don't spend a lot of time in our kitchen. The other day, Megan, who knows our kitchen intimately, asked if I'd like her to make me some toast with cinnamon & sugar on it.

"We have a toaster!?" I asked.

"Um, yeah," she replied, incredulously.

"Get the fuck out of here!"

"We do."

"No, seriously, get the fuck out of here. I am so fucking pissed right now. I can't believe we had a toaster and you didn't tell me."

"It's been on the counter the entire time."

So yesterday I went on a toasting spree. I toasted bread, socks, utility bills -- you name it. The thing is awesome! Then I discovered this drawer in the kitchen that had forks and knives and shit in it. No kidding! I cannot express how much easier it is to eat certain things now. Before you ask, yes, we do have a refrigerator. I knew that one already. That's the cold thing you put beer and frozen pizzas in. It's tall and white. At least I think that's it. I may be confusing it with the oven.

Who's In The Mood For A Nice, Long Groove?...

If so, give this a shot.

Cliffhanger!...

It's season finale season right now on the old televisual machine -- that time of year when all of your favorite programs drum up some sort of suspense to ensure that you'll tune in again come fall to see who shot who or who slept with who or whose penis-removal surgery got botched (Spoiler Alert! It's Jim Belushi of According To Jim. Can anyone say "Emmy contender"?).

Since there's never been a bandwagon I haven't jumped on, allow me to present my blog's season finale. All will be revealed in September. Now, let the wild speculation begin!

As Long As There's A Mother's Day...

...shouldn't there also be a "Motherfucker's Day"?

I think we need to set aside one day
each year to celebrate the people in our lives
who make us grateful we aren't them.

Vision Impaired...

I've been hearing that my blog is
difficult to read so I made some changes.

Edited to add: For those of you who don't understand, I blew up the blog's text size really, really big over the weekend. Needless to say, it was hilarious.

I Have A New Spin-Off Blog...

Jack's Frozen Pizza

Documentary Film Of The Day: Workingman's Death...

I'm warning you right off the bat, this one is a challenge. It can be tough to watch at times. However, the photography is incredible and the places the film goes are places you have likely never seen before. The film focuses on five hellish occupations: coal mining in the Ukraine, Sulfur mining in Indonesia, livestock processing in Nigeria (very graphic), ship dismantling in Pakistan, and steel production in China. If you think you have a shitty job, this film might give you a different outlook. I probably haven't done the best job talking up this film, but it is pretty amazing. Although there is minimal dialogue (which is subtitled), it has a slight similarity in style to one of my all-time favorite films, Baraka.

You can Netflix it HERE.

Now You Know Why I Don't Touch The Stuff...

You never know what you're gonna find* hiding in and amongst it.

And I don't want to hear a bunch of shit now about how it isn't the broccoli's fault and that broccoli is the greatest food ever and that you want to have sex with broccoli and raise a three or four half-broccoli/half-human children and send them to regular school during the week and broccoli school on Saturday so they can learn about their proud broccoli heritage.

Broccoli sucks and that's all there is to it. You know it and I know it. The days of denial are over.


*Article courtesy of Mr. Stankus.

People Often Confuse My Pterodactyl Impression With My Flying Pig Impression...

This originally started as a simple post with two short, separate videos. However, as is usually the case, the making of/behind-the-scenes footage is some of the most compelling. I wanted to film it inside because, unlike Megan, I don't think my neighbors realize what a weirdo I am, at least not yet.

Just A Song I've Been Listening To...

Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. It's certainly jangly.