3/15/2007

My Big Interview...

*Note: I'm aware that most of you don't have a clue who Eddie is or maybe haven't seen his films. You should. They are excellent. I know this is longer than my standard post, but I was jazzed to be able to have access to a filmmaker I really admire. As usual, his responses are in BOLD.

I'm really excited to have the chance to interview filmmaker Eddie Schmidt. Eddie has produced some of my favorite documentary films, including "Chain Camera"�, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated"�, and "Twist Of Faith"�, which, as I mentioned HERE, was nominated for a Best Documentary Feature Oscar in 2005. If you have not seen these films yet, I highly recommend them. Thank you, Eddie, for taking some time to answer questions. So, what did you have for dinner last night?

Pork tenderloin w/apple-walnut stuffing, baked potato, and spinach w/scallions. Yum yum.

Sorry, I'm being a dork. Seriously, "Twist Of Faith" is the incredibly powerful story of Tony Comes and his family. They are trying to cope with the sexual abuse he suffered as a kid at the hands of a Catholic priest. For me, some of the most powerful stuff was seeing Tony's interaction with his own kids, as well as when he returns to the lake house where much of the abuse occurred. You were also able to acquire police interviews with Dennis Gray, the priest in question. How were you able to obtain that footage? Do you have any further contact with the Comes and, if so, have there been any new developments with him and his family, or in regard to the Catholic Church since the release of the DVD?

The footage of Dennis Gray came from a deposition taken during what's called the discovery phase of the court cases against him, and was part of the public record of those cases.

As far as Tony goes, I'm pleased to say that he has become something of an advocate for survivors of clergy sex abuse. Both actively, speaking at functions and conventions, but passively as well - meaning that people who see the movie and recognize their own lives (or the lives of their loved ones) reach out to him for inspiration. Or simply find it in his story. It was very courageous of he and his wife Wendy to participate in the film. On a personal level, he's said that his marriage has never been better - and he credits that, as well as his renewed faith in people, coming directly from doing the documentary. The Oscar nomination was rewarding, but that kind of sentiment from the subject of your film is just as gratifying.

In case no one noticed when I posted about it HERE, Eddie was one of the co-authors of "The Finger: A Comprehensive Guide To Flipping Off"�, which includes chapters like "Tune In, Turn On, & Flip Off (How To Give The Finger)"� and "Don't Take My Picture, Asshole!". Until you check it out, you probably won't understand the following: I was saddened to learn on page 45 that Florence Henderson, TV's Carol Brady and foremost authority on "Wessonality"�, refused to pose for your book. Did she give a reason? Also, how exactly did this book come to be? (p.s.- I love that you included a Crumb cartoon on pg. 61. I love the guy with the hat & glasses who's just sort of there.)

I think the Florence Henderson thing is just a random joke - I'm not sure we asked. Since Florence was willing to play the Amish temptress in "Weird Al" Yankovic's "Amish Paradise," I'm not so sure she would have said no. Other people did turn us down though - I know we couldn't get permission to include the famous Johnny Cash photo. I'm not sure who said no, but someone did.

Crumb was incredible - our publishers reached out to him and he liked the idea and said yes. If I remember, one stipulation was that he got two copies of the book, which we were only too happy to give him. I'm a big fan of Crumb the artist, and "Crumb" the film.

In general, let me say I am proud to be one of the foremost experts in the world's most insulting gesture.

"�Chain Camera"� may be my favorite of the films you've made. For those who haven't seen it, Eddie and director Kirby Dick went to a diverse Los Angeles high school and passed out ten cameras and told the students to film their lives for a week, then pass the camera along to another student. What resulted was some pretty compelling footage. Given the massive amount of material you must've had, did you ever consider doing this as a series? In other words, was there enough to make a few completely different films or was the other student's material unusable? I'm also wondering if there are still plans to do a Michael Apted-style ten-year "reunion" film?

Yes, at one point we were in serious discussions with MTV to do a "Chain Camera" series - this would have been in 2001. We had some great outtakes, sure, but this would have been a new "chain" in another school, or several schools. Then the deal fell apart. "American High," which had been on Fox the previous summer and bombed, was coming back on PBS in the wake of our acclaimed debut at Sundance in 2001. Not coincidentally, the relaunch played up the "WE GAVE KIDS CAMERAS!" aspect, even though that was only a slight portion of their overall footage (most was crew-shot), while ours was 100% the real deal. They even used very similar tag lines to the ones I'd written for our poster. MTV saw their ads in SPIN Magazine and got cold feet. But the original film itself stands as a landmark - it predicts blogs and You Tube, in a way - and has a real cult following.

As far as a sequel, there actually has been some discussion of that, but Kirby is busy with a number of his projects and I am busy with a number of my own, so it remains to be seen whether anything could be worked out. But it could be interesting.

According to your IMDB profile, you were a Senior Segment Producer for the TV dating show, "Blind Date"�. Shows like this are a guilty pleasure for me. A million questions spring to mind, but I think the easiest thing would be to have you share your most memorable experience (no matter how unseemly) working on this show. There must be a few. Do you consider shows like these verite, or is there so much happening behind the scenes that most of it is contrived. It seems to me that, at the very least, the dialogue between the daters is spontaneous and authentic, but maybe I'm wrong.

Gosh, unseemly? On reality television? Egads, the cynicism.. Yeah, there were some unseemly things, but without the benefit of liquor, I ain't talkin'!

I had a great time on this show, actually. Did a half season before we went into pre-production for the HBO special "Showgirls: Glitz & Angst" (which I encourage people to watch - it's the Kirby Dick/Eddie Schmidt documentary musical!). As far as the daters' conversation, it was real. You almost couldn't believe what people would do or say, and that's what made the show amazing. Then of course we could put jokes on top of that. It was fun - one week I created an original song called "Hot Tub Lovin" and had the in-house composer score it; another week I shot a quick insert cutaway of my friend leering at a couple skinny-dipping and tossed it into the episode. All of that was great fun, and it was produced quickly - so one date down, next one up.

In your latest film, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated"�, you lay bare the corrupt, anti-democratic practices of the MPAA ratings board. I'm assuming that, by now, the MPAA has issued some sort of statement disputing the claims in your film. I'd love to hear you "un-spin"� whatever it is they are currently saying. Are you optimistic that change will come or is there too much apathy out there on the part of Hollywood and moviegoers themselves to really demand accountability?

I am somewhat optimistic, since the film was well-received by critics and audiences - and because the MPAA announced reforms to the system in January. Now, these reforms are basically cosmetic, and designed to ward off all the bad PR they've been getting because of the film, but they're still changes. Which means that if the pressure is kept on, there's more that they might do - "if they can move an inch, they can move a mile," you know? Our film is a learning tool, it's like a primer for any up and coming filmmaker or film lover. So with it out there educating, people can now write/call/email the MPAA with geniune concerns and questions. Before, the system was so secret you took it for granted, which was kind of the point. Now, you can try to make it as useful and as transparent as it ought to be, since it is supposedly there to serve "you": the public. There was a quote about the classic band the Velvet Underground, something like "they weren't huge, but everyone who loved them started their own band." Meaning they were hugely influential. I spend a lot of time on the web and it seems like everyone who loved "Rated" has a blog. I'm hopeful it'll have the same trickle down, both in changing the ratings system and (even better) re-opening the imagination and spirit of what American film can be.

One of the things I have enjoyed the most about DVD technology is the ability to include extra footage, outtakes, and especially commentary tracks. In fact, it's kind of a letdown to get a DVD with no extras. I could watch an entire movie that was nothing but outtakes. I think that commentary tracks can really add to the experience and add valuable insight from the filmmakers about what was happening behind the scenes. I've also noticed this bleeding into television, in that shows can now air unseen footage on the internet. Has being able to put things on the DVD that weren't in the original film changed your approach to making films?

It hasn't changed the way I make films, because I believe really strongly in story arcs and pace. It's clear when a film goes off the rails, or is getting flabby. However, when you're cutting, there are always great individual scenes that you hate giving up in the edit room. For fans of the work, these deleted scenes are like a Christmas gift rather than yesterday's leftovers. So DVD makes it possible to complement, or augment, the "meal" of the feature film experience with little snacks and desserts.

A while back, I read an interview online of Sarah Price, who produced "American Movie"�. In it, she described some documentary filmmakers that influenced her like the Maysles, Ross McElwee, Errol Morris, and others. As a result, I was turned on to some of my favorite films - films I wouldn't have otherwise known about. Now, I always like to ask people if there are films (not necessarily docs) or filmmakers they admire. I would also extend that into other creative fields. Like, are there TV shows you really like or music or whatever?

Sure - I mean, I'm always happy to blab about what I like. I'm a huge fan of John Waters, Woody Allen, and Weird Al, comedically speaking. Also really like Christopher Guest, Larry David, and Robert Smigel ("TV Funhouse"). In terms of recent docs, I should recommend "Street Fight" by Marshall Curry, "Blindsight" by Lucy Walker (her "Devil's Playground" is also very good), "Children of Leningradsky" by Hannah Pollak (a short - might be hard to find) and "Derailroaded" by Josh Lubin and Jeremy Rubin. Anyone who hasn't seen Robert Greenwald's "Outfoxed" really owes that to themselves - same for "Inconvenient Truth." And it goes without saying that I really loved "American Movie" and do certainly appreciate Michael Moore.

Musically, I've been listening to Beck, Kings of Leon, Fiona Apple, Nellie McKay, the Shins, Spoon, Raconteurs, Randy Newman, Jonathan Richman, Tom Waits, Ben Folds. Will always have soft spots for Devo, B-52s, Squeeze, The Smiths, Graham Parker, Joe Jackson, and old REM.

With Netflix, I have been able to watch a ton of documentary films (http://andsomeguy.com/films). I've noticed a preponderance of films that deal with painful subjects: crime, war, abuse, living with disabilities, political malfeasance, etc. I mean, just look at how many docs there are out there about the Holocaust. Why do you suppose this is?

To paraphrase Devo, it's a beautiful world. (Detect sarcasm). These films are a reflection of that. Imagine if Bush hadn't been elected - think of all the documentaries that wouldn't have been made! Seriously, docs are alternative news - the news the news doesn't do anymore. We need them now more than ever, turning over those rocks and showing us the dirty Earth underneath.

Again, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions. I look forward to watching your future films. Is there anything in the works right now that we have to look forward to?

Yes, but they're like little things growing in petrie dishes - not yet ready for the harsh sunlight of the world. But in about a year or so there will be a couple of very cool things. In the meantime, though, I'm appearing on a panel at the Ann Arbor Film Festival on March 24, which should be a lot of fun. And I seem to be popping up every couple of months as a pundit on G4's "Attack of the Show." Oh yeah - and for those who haven't seen it yet, "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" airs on IFC on March 31st!

Thanks, Eddie!

Everyone Else Is Doing It...

...and who am I not to follow the herd? Red bold=Shit I did.

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said “I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (I was there, but it was closed to the public.)
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby’s diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house (Sort of...)
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children/currently raising child
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone’s heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone’s life

Commercial Critique...

As you all know by now, I watch a shitload of TV. Since I don't have a DVR, I also watch a shitload of commercials. As I write this, I am watching a "Seinfeld" rerun (George's "BOSCO" ATM password). There was just a commercial on for Propel Energy Water. You can watch it HERE if you like. It's the one labeled "Stress Monster". Basically, it's this giant, robotic-looking monster running through the streets of a major city, destroying everything in its path. Its made up out of a bunch of life's "pressures" (an angry boss, road construction signs, screaming kids, etc.). Playing in the background is "Under Pressure", by Queen. As the giant runs, parts of him start to break off and fall away until what's left is a healthy white male jogging. At the end he pauses to take a drink from his Propel water bottle, looking very satisfied.

Visually, the commercial is well done. It looks cool. Substance-wise, like most commercials, it's a lying piece of shit. Water will in no way alleviate the pressures in your life. It will not excuse you from making your mortgage payment. It will not stop your boss from breathing down your neck or get rid of that hammerhead driving up your tailpipe on the way to work. Face it, you put water in your mouth, you may have a temporary satisfaction as your thirst is relieved, then you piss it out. Anything else is just Madison Avenue blowing smoke up your ass. Sorry to destroy the illusion, but someone has to.

3/14/2007

Jen @ Casual Slack Kix Ass!...

Not only did Jen locate a picture I had requested in my previous post, she found one with a shirtless guy wearing overalls and a straw hat! She is truly an internets wizardess!

As her prize, I am renaming my blog temporarily. Please honor her by visiting her fantastic blog.

Shit I Never Do...

I never, ever lick my thumb to assist me in turning pages of books or magazines.

Do you?

p.s.- A prize for whoever can find a pic on the internets of someone licking their thumbs before turning a page. I found nada, so I just did an image search for "huge tongues". Now THAT'S a wild ride!

I'm Back!...

Boy, it sure is fucking great to be back at fucking work, especially after driving in the fucking dark.

Megan and I had a wonderful time over the freakishly warm weekend. She even helped me come up with a new, more appropriate name for my cat. I may post about it and I may not. You just never know.

I will now open up the floor to questions. And Big Orange, let's keep 'em clean, alright?

3/09/2007

This Time I Mean It...

It was too hard staying away from you all, but this time I'm serious. I will be incommunicado until Tuesday or Wednesday. I'll be sure to have some goodies for you then. The following is in response to a request by our good buddy, Echo.

Vagina!

3/08/2007

Duvet Covers...

As I mentioned HERE a long, long time ago, they've added a Bed Bath & Beyond store here in Petoskey. At the time I decried its existence and, in general, the buying of shit you don't really need. Well, circumstances have changed and I decided there might be a few things I now need to go along with my sparklingly clean house (and new girlfriend). As someone who works in architecture, you'd think I'd be up on interior design terms. Turns out, I'm not.

I have a plain down comforter that is covered by what I have always called a "comforter cover". I didn't see anything in the store labeled as such and, as my fellow men will attest, you NEVER ask for assistance. I did notice things called "duvet covers". Megan later explained that this was indeed what I was looking for (I've had the same one now for a long-ass time). She thought my lack of knowledge was cute, even though I was wondering what had become of my life now that I was shopping for duvet covers. She informed me that it's not the type of thing most men buy.

But why? Surely there are plenty of single men out there that, at some point, have to buy such things. Was there something that could be done to get these men excited about making such a purchase? Some way, perhaps, to make the experience less emasculating? I think I know how: Make duvet covers men will want to buy. With the help of my 3-D modelling program, I was able to mock up a duvet cover I think most single men might appreciate. I mean, what guy wouldn't want to fall asleep under a blanket of delicious barbecue ribs?


Or, as Flannery suggests, sizzling bacon?

I think there is an untapped market out there. Just think of the possibilities! The variations are only limited by our imagination.

3/07/2007

I Find It Hard To Believe...

...that THIS GUY would actually commit perjury and obstruction of justice.

Of course, there was always something a little suspicious about him. Notice that if he takes off his glasses, he has no eyes. That's fucked up.

*Total time spent on this post=2.5 minutes.

Two-Minute Post...

OK, I have a few seconds here to do a post. It's gonna suck. I'm warning you.

I always find it amusing when people call them "hamburgs".

See, was that lame or what!?

3/06/2007

I'm Sorry...

I have sinned...

Well, not exactly, but I'm not going to be able to post much new stuff for the next few days. I apologize. Just way too much shit going down at work at the moment. I'll be back soon and will be blogging and commenting with a vengeance - I promise!

3/05/2007

Some Guy Hires A Cleaning Lady...

Although, I'm pretty sure she doesn't look like this anywhere but in my head.

Yes, for the very first time in my life I am having my house professionally cleaned. I'm not sure what to expect, since I called some random outfit out of the phone book. You see, I'm having a special houseguest this coming weekend and I need everything ship-shape. A few things will determine just how thorough the cleaning was. They include:
  • The absence of any and all stray kitty-litter granules. I'd be overjoyed if the cat hair was completely purged, but I'm not holding my breath.
  • No signs of dried toothpaste spittle on my medicine cabinet. I'm like a damn jackhammer when I brush.
  • The rotating plate in my microwave is gunk-free.
  • The crumb tray in the toaster is empty. Bonus points if it's been polished.
  • The water stains on the acoustical-tile ceiling (from the previous owner) have been bleached away. This one is beyond a long shot.
  • The dust rags in my linen closet have been dusted.
  • The water in my seven-foot bong has been changed.
(Just kidding. I don't have any dust rags.)

Northern Michigan In The News...

Yesterday, the police found 37-year-old Stephen Grant in Wilderness State Park, up in my neck of the woods (literally). The Friday before, police had found his wife's torso in their suburban Detroit home. I saw this story on CNN and you can read about it HERE. I am absolutely THRILLED about the inevitable influx of tourism revenue that will come from our sudden notoriety.

3/02/2007

Fish Decoys...

Since Vikki asked and I've been asked before, I wanted to explain fish decoys and how they're used. Pictured above is a trout decoy. The stick is called a "jigging stick" and, unlike this one, can often be intricately carved itself. The decoy is hollowed out on the underside and filled with some sort of weight, either washers or lead or something. This makes the fish neutrally buoyant so that it "swims" like a real fish. Forgive the poor quality of the picture, but here you can see what it looks like:A hole is cut in the ice, much larger than if you were using a line and hook. The fisherperson "swims" the fish around in small circles to attract other fish. He holds the jigging stick (unlike this yahoo in the picture) which is attached to a short line which is attached to the top of the decoy. When other fish come near, they spear them with that trident-looking thing. It is a lot more involved than sitting and watching a line for nibbles.

I have never done this, but I know of it through my involvement with fishcarving. Calling my fish "decoys" is probably misleading. Most of the fish I carve are purely decorative. I've only ever carved one working decoy. For those of you that haven't seen them, there is a link on the side to pictures of my work.

If I Could...

If I could, I would...
  • vote someone who wasn't affiliated with any organized religion into office.
  • spend a substantial amount of time living in a grass hut on some remote island in the South Pacific.
  • try to catch Hannity and O'Reilly making out, film it, and broadcast it via YouTube.
  • learn to like mashed potatoes.
  • do nothing but carve fish decoys all day for a month or two.
  • go on a helicopter skiing trip in British Columbia.
  • ask Dick Cheney how we'll know when the "War On Terror" has been won.
  • kayak the length of the Mississippi River.
  • try hang gliding.
  • play raquetball with Marcia Brady.
  • get really good at playing an instrument, either the piano or trumpet.
  • get that damn dog that lives a block away to stop his infernal barking.
  • gather all my blog-pals together for a big, drunken party.

3/01/2007

The Pinnacle Of Animation Laziness...

The Shmoo
I mean, seriously. All the hardest shit to draw has conveniently been left out. He's got no hair, no nose, no arms or hands, and no toes. He's also monochromatic. I suppose they threw some whiskers on him just so he wouldn't look like a marshmallow with eyes and a mouth.

Memorials Are All Well And Good, But...

I was reading the Talking Points Memo from O'Reilly's show last night. Yes, I know. I'm a glutton for punishment. It's entitled "Honoring Wounded American Veterans". If you can stomach it, read it. It basically deals with O'Reilly trying to drum up support to "fund a memorial in Washington honoring those Americans who have sacrificed their health in defense of this country." The price tag is $40 million.

Now, I can understand how a memorial can be of value. I think something like the Vietnam Memorial has helped many families and veterans with the grieving process. However, in this case we're talking about disabled veterans - people who are still alive and suffering because they don't have all their limbs or they're emotionally traumatized or they're blind. While I would never assume to know the minds of these veterans (maybe they really want a memorial), I question whether this is truly the best way to honor them, especially given what we've learned about what life is like for them after they return.

I think it makes more sense to make sure all the wounded get the care and attention they need (and then a little more) before we build fancy memorials that many of them will, quite frankly, be too poor, as a result of their conditions, to ever visit anyway.

2/28/2007

Hell...

Not too long ago, I was out to lunch with my business partner and his friend, a hardcore conservative Catholic. He and I get into heated debates from time to time. Recently, we were talking about religion. I told him I didn't believe in the existence of hell.

"I can PROVE that hell exists," he said.

"Um, no you can't," I replied.

"Sure I can, but I'd have to kill you first," he said, completely serious.

"OK, but please make it quick," I thought to myself.

Now THAT is some stunning logic. Moron.

To Russia, With Love...

Hey, Comrades! What gives? I've noticed that, according to that Clustrmap thing I installed, no one from your country has checked out my blog yet.

Is it because I haven't done enough posts about Borscht or Matryoshka Dolls? If so, I apologize. I'll try to do better.

Is it because my president refers to your leader as "Pootie-poot"? What can I say? He's a jackass.

Maybe it's because Yakov Smirnoff chose Branson, Missouri over the bright lights of Moscow. Hey, I understand. I'd be bitter, too.

The most likely explanation is that you're too busy watching reruns of "Worker & Parasite".

Whatever the reason, I hope you stop by. I promise, no bread lines!

2/27/2007

A Question For You...

All my life I have actively absorbed popular culture like a sponge with a strong work ethic. Television, movies, music, sports - you name it - I've taken notice of it. Much of it I've enjoyed. Even more of it has sucked ass. Either way, all of it can be considered popular culture. My question is this:

Is there such a thing as "unpopular culture" and, if so, what is it?

I Didn't Know She Had Glaucoma...

Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz enjoy a day of sun, fun, and "jazz cigarettes"..

Random Oscar Cleavage...

I noticed there was not as much cleavage at The Oscars this year, but I was able to scrounge some up. Feel free to guess which cleavage belongs to who if you like, but it's really not necessary.





2/26/2007

The Finger...

THIS just came in the mail today. I can't wait to read it!

Dumb Donald...

As long as I'm making references to obscure Fat Albert characters, here's a pic of Dumb Donald.

My brother, sister, and I used to refer to him as "Gum Head".

You might ask why it's important for you to know that.

It's not.

Why Giuliani Can't Win...

I sense there aren't many people who read my blog that plan on voting for Giuliani, but in case you're afraid he has a chance of winning, allow me to allay those fears. He cannot win. It's not because he supports gay rights. It's not because his abortion stance is at odds with most republicans. It's not even because of his checkered marital history.

It's because his name is Rudy.

There can't be a president named Rudy.

Rudy is this guy:

Or this girl:
Of course, he could use his given name, Rudolph, but then people think of this: