The Worst Things That Have Ever Happened to Chris, Vol. I

Situation:

Chris ate a stick of butter.

Date:

Summer 1986

The Story: Chris, Dave Boehm and I lived a few blocks from one another in Elmhurst. We met up almost every night between seventh and eight grades and watched baseball, talked about baseball or played our favorite game - Truth or Dare. It was really just "Dare" as only pansies took "Truth." Despite what you're thinking (wishing? You sick fuck!) nothing kinky ever happened. Typically, we just forced the boy who was "It" to eat something unpleasant. This included raw eggs, glasses of water topped with miscellaneous spices from my mom's spice rack, or ice cream mixed with mustard, ketchup and relish. One evening, Chris was It. Dave and I asked him to eat a stick of butter. It didn't matter that eating a stick of butter was unhealthy. It didn't matter that it was disgusting. It didn't even matter my mom would wonder why her butter was gone. Dave and I just wanted to see Chris eat it. He peeled back the foil and grimaced as he nibbled a corner. He protested, said he didn't want to play and it was a stupid game. Dave and I gave him shit. He continued to eat. A few minutes later, after he'd eaten about half the butter, Chris threw the stick on the ground and said he was done. Dave and I said "okay."

The day that Chris pulled the bug out of his ass…

It may be hard to believe, but when Chris was seventeen years old, he wasn’t the open-minded, politically-charged, socially-conscious codger he is today. In fact, if you told his friends in 1990 that by 2006 Chris would not only be politically-charged and socially-conscious, but would use such crass terms as cunt-ass peehole, we would have thought you were nuts.

Ferris Bueller made the following observation about his friend Cameron in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off:

Pardon my French but Cameron is so tight, that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you’d have a diamond!

Similar observations could be made about Chris. He was a good, upstanding, suburban Christian kid who didn’t want to get in to trouble and have his parents mad at him. It was actually quite respectable…if you were his grandmother!

That all changed one Friday evening in May of 1990. Chris was left to watch the homestead while his parents, brother, and sister went on vacation. A bunch of us were out at a party at a friend’s house, and we had started harping on Chris about having a party while his parents were out of town. During our senior year, a bunch of us had hosted parties while our parents were out of town, and we wanted Chris to do the same.

The conversation turned to what type of party Chris could host, and someone jokingly said Chris should host Jell-O wrestling. Chris immediately shot down the idea, but we all persisted. It took almost two hours to convince him, but Chris finally caved at about 10:00pm. We immediately left the party, went to various supermarkets in Elmhurst, and purchased as much Jell-O as we could carry. From there we went to Andy’s house and started making a lot of Jell-O. At the end of the night, each of us took several Tupperware containers of Jell-O home to store in our refrigerators.

The next day, we went to Chris’s house to prepare. Chris’s parents had just remodeled the basement, and Chris didn’t want to get anything sticky, so we had to cover his bedroom in Hefty bags. We also had to cover all the windows, so none of the neighbors could look in on what we were doing. We used the remainder of the Jell-O to make Jell-O shots. Guido went out and bought a kiddy pool. We called girls on the phone and gauged their interest in participating on the fight card for the evening. We called our friend Brian and made sure he was bringing his video camera.

That night, Chris hosted the party. We ran it like a WWF event. We interviewed all of the participants and their managers. Our friend Geoff was the ringside announcer. Our friend Garth beat his girlfriend Stephanie in the first match. Guido beat his girlfriend Tracey in the second match. Andy and I beat Christie and Jennifer in a tag-team match, and won the coveted Jell-O belt. People had sex in Chris’s shower. There was Jell-o dripping from the ceiling. Guido (clad in nothing but his skivvies) slipped on the Hefty bags and hit the ground with a thud. It was great.

As I was helping Chris mop up after the party, I remembered thinking that he was a pretty cool guy when he let his hair down. Luckily for all of us, Chris began letting his hair down a lot more in the ensuing years, and became the open-minded, politically-charged, socially-conscious codger I spoke of at the beginning of this post.

On a personal note, I was the steward of the Jell-O wrestling video tape for the last sixteen years. My plan was to transfer the tape to my computer, put the clips up on YouTube, and show you it in its entirety over the next week. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost this little slice of Chris history, and cannot provide a visual account of the event. Just picture a bunch of seventeen and eighteen year olds drenched in Jell-O and you can get a general idea of how the evening turned out.

In the Dark, Dark Forest.

I've never been to Chris' Michigan home. I'm scared to.

I rely upon stories and pictures to imagine what Chris' life is like in Northern Michigan. My imagination fills the gaps when needed. This is where it gets dangerous.

I don't know for certain, but I believe Chris lives in a forest. I assume blood-thirsty bears attack his door on Halloween instead of trick-or-treaters. I wouldn't be surprised if his neighbor looks like Ted Kaczynski. I imagine Chris wakes every morning, goes outside nude, shovels up a pan of snow and boils it for his shower.

None of this is probably true, but it'd be hard to convince me otherwise.

Unlike Chris, I'm terrified of nature. I feel queasy if the air I breath lacks diesel fumes. My feet throb if I spend more than 10 minutes walking on anything other than pavement. I begin to predict doomsday when I see too many stars in the night sky. And I'm such a Midwesterner, I suffer high altitude cerebral edema when I drive over a hill taller than 100 feet. And Canadians simply scare the shit out of me.

I could never survive Chris' frontier life in Northern Michigan.

What perplexes me is we grew up in Elmhurst, Illinois, four blocks from one another and lived pretty similar childhoods. How can he rough-it while I get upset if my hotel lacks organic conditioner?

Elmhurst is just outside Chicago. We both spent countless days and nights cruising suburban mini-malls and Chicago neighborhoods. That's our native environment - urban, suburban wilderness - Outback Steakhouse and Gander Mountain, oh my.

But somewhere along the way we split. Chris is at home in the remote wilderness. He enjoys the sound of crickets and wolves howling. He's not paralyzed with fear that the Michigan militia will take him away in the middle of the night.

Chris has traveled extensively. But I have too. But when I was drinking hurricanes on Bourbon Street, Chris was building homes in the Third World. While I reserved rooms at bed-and-breakfasts throughout England, Chris toured North America and slept in motel parking lots.

Does this mean that despite our similar upbringing and travels, Chris is just more worldly than me? Or am I just a pussy?

Some Guy Quiz

So, you like Some Guy’s Blog...but do you really know Some Guy? Pass this quiz and you’ll know everything you need to know!

1. Which of the following actually happened to Some Guy?

a. Was beaten up by a Branch Davidian while visiting Waco, Texas
b. Threw up in a Taco Bell bag while driving his Honda Civic
c. Was Grant Miller’s understudy in the York High School production of Star Wars
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

2. Which of the following is an authentic Some Guy quote?

a. “I don’t even like salt water”
b. “I speak Spanish…Sí”
c. “I’m kind of like a girl”
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

3. Which of the following happened at Some Guy’s high school graduation party?

a. Was pinned by his younger sister in a wrestling match
b. Was accosted by a ‘Rent-a-Nerd’
c. Was given a key to the City of Elmhurst by Mayor Abner Ganet
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

4. What is the name of Some Guy’s Cat?

a. Kitty
b. Mario Van Peebles
c. The Ass-Man
d. Some Guy’s Cat

5. Which pop-culture icon visited Some Guy in his youth?

a. Twinkie the Kid
b. Mayor McCheese
c. The Kool-Aid Man
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

6. Who did Some Guy call a, “Cunt-Ass Pee-Hole”?

a. George W. Bush
b. Ann Coulter
c. Bill O’Reilly
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

7. In which country did Some Guy help build houses for the poor?

a. China
b. Russia
c. South Africa
d. Brazil
e. Ghana

8. What show does Some Guy watch before going to work every morning?

a. Saved by the Bell
b. Mass for Shut-Ins
c. Fox & Friends
d. All of the above
e. None of the above

9. Some Guy was photographed as a toddler with what on his head?

a. A sombrero
b. A steaming pile of dog-doo
c. A bird
d. A traditional Native American head-dress

10. By what popular nickname is Some Guy also known?

a. The Hypercolor Kid
b. Red Scampi
c. Uncle Grundles
d. Monkey Balls
e. Sir Lumpy of Chorkworth

Answers posted Monday.

1-3 correct answers: You don’t know Some Guy!
4-6 correct answers: Some Guy is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there
7-9 correct answers: You have an unhealthy infatuation with Some Guy
10 correct answers: Are you Some Guy’s mom?

We've Taken Over.

Dear Readers,

Frank Sirmarco and I have hijacked Some Guy's Blog. Over the next two weeks we will expose Chris and spew our extreme political agenda.

Please feel free to leave any comments or suggestions below!

Have a great day!

Sincerely,
Grant Miller, Esq.








Tags: Hijacking, Extreme Political Views

Redemption? You Be The Judge...

At a young age, Jimmy exhibited his nose-picking prowess. Here we see him pulling off the often emulated, but rarely executed "Double Proboscis Plunge", all the while maintaining that trademark Hollywood smile. Bravo, young Jimmy, bravo!

I'm Fucked...

I'm really in deep doo-doo.

Here you are, expecting a humorous pick-me-up to start your day, and you come here to find...

Nothing.

I'm sorry.

My normal routine is to generate a few ideas for possible posts on my way into work each day. Typically there's no problem. There's usually something that pops into my head or else some bonehead politician has said something asinine the day before. While I'm sure there was something stupid said yesterday, I wasn't paying good attention. I'm preoccupied with making sure everything's in order before I leave and tending to a printer malfunction at a most inopportune time.

So now I'm stuck. I'm looking around my office trying to create comedy from nothing. Hmm, a Sharpie. Is there anything funny about that? No. Here's a feet & inches calculator. Nothing funny there. How about the latest copy of the Michigan Building Code. Absolutely not. Arrggh!

I'll understand if you never visit my blog again...

Just So You Can Mentally Prepare...

I'm leaving Friday for a two-week vacation. During this time, my pals Frank and Grant Miller will be guest-posting. We may also hear from the mighty Echo at some point. Grant assures me he has some good adolescent dirt on me (probably to make up for what I did on his blog while HE was away.) Frank has mentioned the possibility of sharing some video of the Jello Wrestling Party I threw in high school, but you're gonna have to be REALLY good to see that. I may pop in from time to time from whatever remote location I may be in, but it will be sporadic at best. At any rate, I just thought I should give a heads up so that you can get all your sobbing and lamenting out of the way now.

Paul Mooney...

Any of you who are fans of Chappelle's Show know who Paul Mooney is (Ask A Black Dude). Here is a short clip I saw last night that cracked me up.

The Ultimate Toy For When You're Sitting On The Toilet...

Now THAT title had to intrigue you, huh?

Last Christmas my mom gave each of us one of these. It's a Twenty Questions game. I think they're only like $10. What you do is think of some object (no proper nouns and not overly specific). The first question is always whether the thing you're thinking of is animal, vegetable, mineral, other, or unknown. Your answer options include yes, no, sometimes, or unknown. Then it will ask a series of different questions (Is it flat?, Is it bigger than a microwave?, etc.). After twenty questions, it will guess what you're thinking of. If it guesses wrong, it will try another five questions and guess again. The frequency with which it guesses right is pretty amazing. You'll be sitting there, thinking about the questions it asked and KNOWING there isn't a chance in hell that it'll get it, then it does!

Some of the things its guessed correctly: ceiling fan, aardvark, golf tee, nothing (I just kept hitting the no button to see what it would say), parakeet, aircraft carrier.

It did not guess turd or bong.

You can try it online HERE. They even give you more options for answers.

Don't Make Fun Of Me...

This is the kind of winter coat I wear. I've heard a lot of people call it an "Elmer Fudd". It's actually a Mackinaw, a hearty wool jacket perfect for Northern Michigan winters. I think it looks bitchin' AND its similar to the jacket Brando (pic) wore in "On The Waterfront".

So, if I've worn this jacket and Brando has worn this jacket, then according to the transitive property, it would seem that I am Marlon Brando. Of course, he got WAY more nookie than I'll ever get, so you never know...

Pop Quiz...

Don't worry, it's only one question, multiple choice...

This is soon-to-be former UN Ambassador, John Bolton. Does he most closely resemble:

A. Portly professional golfer, Craig "The Walrus" Stadler.

B. Beloved cartoon character and Woody Woodpecker nemesis, Wally Walrus.

C. An actual walrus.

D. A steaming pile of dog shit with a lone fly on it.

Answer will be posted when I feel like it.

You've Got A Day's Head Start...

Run, Bambi! RUN!!

Tomorrow is opening day of Michigan's firearm deer season.

Shit, I Forgot...

I meant to put this in my other "Star Wars" post. The dirtiest thing ever said in the "Star Wars" series was:

LUKE: "Han, can you reach my lightsaber?" (Return Of The Jedi)

PS: I'm adding Coaster Punchman and Bunso (mainly for "outing" Grant Miller) to the blogroll. Welcome!

Don't Believe The Hype...

I've been accused, from time to time, of being a "knee-jerk" liberal, meaning I blindly accept anything the left tells me. I completely disagree, but I don't let it bother me.

One example of "knee-jerkiness" that you'll hear all the time is that Senator John McCain is some sort of maverick that doesn't vote in lockstep with other conservatives. He goes his own way. He doesn't let partisanship affect his decisions.

I am here to tell you not to believe it. Before you accept all that the media will try to tell you in the march towards the next presidential election, I urge you to look closely at McCain's voting record, his past statements and current position on Iraq, his flip-flop on Falwell, and his awkward alliance with Dubya after all the shit they did to him in South Carolina. I'm not gonna tell you what to think, just that you look beyond what the talking heads tell you. You should know by now that the talking heads (no, not the band) are worthless bitches.

This post was paid for by the Committee To Quell All The Bullshit Propaganda About John McCain. Thank you.

The Friendship Test...

Tenacious D has one (Kyle got an F-Plus...click). Now I have one, or at least the first part of one.

Over the weekend, Cinemax was featuring a continuous loop of all six Star Wars movies in consecutive order. It was kind of nice to see the original and "Empire Strikes Back", which I hadn't seen in quite a while. While standing at the stove, making tacos Saturday night, I had the first of the series, "Phantom Menace", playing in the background. First things first, the movie is a turdburger, no two ways about it. At any rate, I could hear the dialogue, but wasn't paying close attention. It was at the part where Natalie Portman's character is beseeching the head of the Jar Jar Binks (ugh) clan to aid them in battle. One side note: my friend, Frank, alerted me to the fact that this character was voiced by Brian Blessed of "I, Claudius" fame. Getting on with my unnecessarily long story, Brian Blessed (the character's name is Boss Nass) mulls over the request and decides they will assist. Everyone cheers in a particularly lame fashion. The first thing that popped into my head was:

"Yay! Now the villagers have a place to pray!"

This is usually my response to any lame movie celebration-scene. If you understand why this obscure reference would pop into my head, chances are we could be friends. If not, don't dispair. There will be other opportunities to win my admiration...

**Edited to add: The above quote has nothing to do with Brian Blessed or "I, Claudius". Sorry if that was misleading. Trust me, it is far more low-brow than that.

Bean Bag Chairs...

I don't know who this is, but she sure looks happy. Almost TOO happy. And why not? She's sitting in a bean bag chair! Who wouldn't be happy?

My family had a bean bag chair. My mom made it. It was black courderoy. It was ultra-comfy. My brother, sister, and I would fight over who got to sit in it. It was also super-close to the TV, perfect for young, growing eyes.

One of these bad boys combined with a hand-knit Afghan (the blanket, not the people) was the epitome of comfort. Of course, that comfort was ruined when my brother and I were rough-housing and one of us tackled the other on top of it, exploding it and releasing millions of little styrofoam beads into the atmosphere.

Life at our house was never quite the same. We never got another bean bag chair. I can't be sure, but this is probably why my parents eventually got divorced several years later. You see, they always tell kids of divorced parents that it isn't their fault, but let's face it, most of the time it is.

I Wanna Talk 'Bout Music S'more, M'kay?...

Those of you who own an I-Pod or some type of MP3 player may understand this post. I listen to mine primarily in the car to and from work, always on shuffle. There exist certain songs that I'm prone to skip more often and certain songs I never skip. Before I start, let me just say I love all the music I own. My albums are like my babies, just without all the diapers and breastfeeding. Having said that, here are the ones I'm most prone to skip:

• Anything by Buckwheat Zydeco. Fun stuff, I'm just not always in the mood.
• Certain Professor Longhair songs. My I-Pod seems to favor these, so I hear them more than I'd prefer.
• Certain instrumental musicians like Ramsey Lewis and Oscar Peterson. Again, a mood thing.
• "The Girl From Ipanema" by Stan Getz & Joao Gilberto. Pretty song, but tends to be too mellow for me.
• "I've Got A Bike" by Pink Floyd. It's insane and I like it, but only in small doses.
• Occasionally I skip Donovan songs, but only certain ones.
  

Stuff I never skip:

• For some reason I never skip the two Bob Marley songs I have and I'm not a fanatical Marley fan.
• I never seem to skip Los Fabulosos Cadillacs songs.
• I never ever skip "The Obvious Child" by Paul Simon. That song gives me chills each time I hear it. The drums? Come on!
• I never skip They Might Be Giants songs.
• I never skip "Black Betty" by Ram Jam. Probably one of my top one-hit wonder songs.
• I never skip Tenacious D songs.
  

More Thoughts About Internet Dating...

Yes, I can hear your collective groans (*cough*Vikki). You're thinking, "Aw, shit! Not more bellyaching about how hard it is to find a girlfriend, you whiner!" Not to fear. I was inspired to do this post by Anne over at Two Can Anne. For those of you who haven't checked her out, she is, if not one of the most irreverent bloggers, certainly one of the most prolific. She's spent some time as of late bemoaning the low quality of men to be found via these dating sites. She has no idea! She should check out the crop of Northern Michigan women on Match.com. Whoa!

Anyway, I used to dabble in internet dating until I realized I was having minimal success considering the money I was paying. I've compiled an easy guide detailing key words or phrases that should be red flags when it comes to pursuing someone online. They include:

• I enjoy long walks on the beach. This is about as lazy a cliche as you'll find. I live near a shitload of beaches and, according to Match.com, they should be teeming with these supposed "long-walkers". Strange thing is, I never see them. They also aren't limited to coastal areas or places with lots of lakes. You'll find many of these people in Oklahoma and Nebraska, too.
• I like NASCAR and Tractor Pulls. OK, I guess I could tolerate one or the other, but not both. The two together create some sort of toxic sludge that I'm gonna do my best to avoid. Women like this are rampant in these parts.
• Any profile that mentions Jesus more than 50 times in one paragraph. I don't really need to explain why this one is a non-starter, do I? Cool.
• I don't want someone who plays games. You see this one a lot. I have the sneaking suspicion that the person that writes this is actually a huge game player. And what's so bad about playing games? Are they saying no more "Chutes & Ladders"? What about "Candyland"?
• I love to travel. Obviously. Who doesn't love to travel. Again, lazy. These women usually claim to love camping, too.
• I just got out of a serious relationship. Translation: My ex is a psychotic stalker, so consider yourself warned.
• I am easy-going. This is usually a good thing by any count. The problem is 50% of the people that say this confuse easy-going with boring-as-hell.
• I'm looking for something serious. This woman wants to have babies immediately. If this is not your desire, run for the hills!
  

Fun Fact...

I know there are fans of both "The Daily Show" and musical group "They Might Be Giants" that read this blog. Did you know that TMBG wrote the intro music for "The Daily Show"? Neither did I.

I love it when there is crossover between two things I really like.

**Edited to add: Apparently, Bob Mould wrote it, but TMBG performed it. I stand corrected. Thanks to Bryan for pointing this out. See the comments for more...

The Office...

This show is too fucking good.

I can't wait to see what lies ahead once the two branches merge. There's the obvious Jim/Pam/Roy/Karen (who also had a bit part on "Freaks & Geeks" as female bully, Karen Scarfoli AND is the real-life lovechild of Quicy Jones and Peggy Lipton) love quadrilateral. It seems Jim will be Dwight's boss. We may get to see more of Ed Helms character.

I may be premature, but this show may just be the heir apparent to "Seinfeld".

Who'da Thunk...

...that a single word could bring down a Senator. "Macaca", today my heart belongs to thee...

By the way, nice get-up, cheese-dick.

I-Pod Summary...

I haven't done one of these lately, so here's the last ten songs I heard:

• The Mollusk - Ween
• Goodbye Baby - Elmore James
• You And The Clouds Will Still Be Beautiful - XTC
• Bold As Love - Jimi Hendrix Experience
• I Love Your Lovin' Ways - Nina Simone
• Waiting For The Great Leap Forward - Billy Bragg
• I'm Yours, You're Mine - Morphine
• Swing Low, Sweet Cadillac - Dizzy Gillespie
• Hey Pocky A-Way - The Meters
• Had A Dad - Jane's Addiction
  

Barring Any Earth-Shattering Developments, My Last Rummy Post...

It just struck me who this guy reminds me of...

Simon Bar Sinister from the old Underdog cartoon!

I hate to pile on the guy. Wait a second, no I don't. I fucking love it!

Fun With Crossing Things...

When you cross CNN's Lou Dobbs...

...with a batch of Blueberry Muffins you get...

...the Pillsbury Doughboy!