A Culinary Question...

Why do people eat ducks and geese, but not swans?

The Eighties Were Clearly The Golden Years For Suburban Chicago Car Dealership Commercials...

I know all you non-Chicagoans won't have the same appreciation for this post as my fellow natives will, but I'm posting it anyway.

Howard Pontiac:



Harry Schmerler Ford:



Al Piemonte Ford:



Bob Rohrman Honda:



Celozzi-Ettleson Chevrolet:



Long Chevrolet:



Fencl-Tufo Chevrolet:

Happy You-Know-What!...

Love Is...

Last Night's Celebrity Jeopardy Was Harder Than Usual...

I'm Fucked...

Remember a while back when I did that unflattering post about Senator Mitch McConnell's wonky face? Well, according to my blog's StatCounter, someone appears to have e-mailed the post to someone in the U.S. Senate:

I fear it's just a matter of time before the Senator catches wind of this (if he hasn't already) and sics an army of pitchfork-wielding, poorly-spelled sign-toting teabaggers on me.

Combating Boredom...

Occasionally, when I'm driving, I'll slap on a goofy face in the hopes that maybe someone else on the road will catch a glimpse and get a laugh out of it.


And when I say occasionally, I mean pretty much all the time.

The Thing About Mitch McConnell...

Something's always seemed a little "off" to me about Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and I finally figured out what it was. Is it me or does he have the biggest gap between his nose and his almost nonexistent upper lip that you've ever fucking seen? I mean, you could park a fucking Ford Festiva on his philtrum:

Granted, Ford Festivas are small as cars go, but you get my point. Now, I know it's pretty juvenile to make fun of a person's physical attributes. After all, apart from radical reconstructive surgery, there's not much he can really do about it. However, I find him to be a bit of a douche, so I did it anyway. He also kind of reminds me of this guy:

You Know How I Love Shit Like This...

Documentary Film Of The Day: Second Skin...

I really liked this movie about people who are into online role-playing games like World Of Warcraft and EverQuest. I was surprised by how much my online experience had in common with the people in the film despite the fact that I've never played these games. The movie is pretty balanced. It portrays the positive social aspects of online gaming as well as the destructive addictive ones. Like other geek-centric docs like Darkon, The King Of Kong, and Trekkies, the nerd quotient in this movie is extremely high - something that suits me just fine.

Netflix it or watch instantly HERE.

Making Movies Doesn't Have To Be Hard...

Listen up, all you fat-cat Hollywood executives. I have something to tell you that you probably don't want to hear. It is something I've determined based on a lifetime spent observing the world of cinema. Are you sitting down? Good. Here it comes...

You are losing money.

Now, you're probably wondering what business a poor schmuck from Michigan has telling you, a guy who washes his balls with Dom Perignon, how to make money. I don't blame you. I just figure you might benefit from a fresh perspective. You all seem to think you need to pay others a lot of money to do unnecessary things like create special effects or write screenplays in order for people to want to see your movies. That is money you could keep in your pockets. Instead, you are flushing it down the toilet. You can make blockbusters without all that shit. How, you ask? Follow this simple recipe:

Take Christopher Walken,

Willem Dafoe,

Nick Nolte,

and Gary Busey.

Lock them in a cabin full of power tools and intoxicants
and let the camera roll.
Call it Four Guys Doing A Bunch Of Fucked-Up Shit.
Then, sit back and watch as it climbs to the
top of the box office charts.

Seriously, you would be hard-pressed to convince me
this film wouldn't shatter
any and all opening weekend records.

Is There Anything This Guy Can't Do?...

First, he creates what is widely accepted as the most consistently funny blog found on the internet today - a blog that has been named Road & Track's Blog Of The Year seven years running.

Then, not satisfied with his success, he decides to conquer the recording industry with chart-toppers like "Colder Than Ice" and "Red Fro Love" and, in the process, teaches a nation to love again.

And to top it all off, he maintains what is undoubtedly the most impressive pelt of chest hair since Hasselhoff.

Grant Miller, ladies and gentlemen. A true renaissance man.

Norman U. Oldpoop...

Happy Easter To All My Christian Readers!...

At MY Tea Parties...

...we never:

• have hour-long debates about whether the president is, in fact, a rat-fucking commie or a pig-fucking commie.
• take turns reciting verses from Glenn Beck's Big Book Of Patriotic Poetry.
• dress up like Thomas Jefferson and sodomize an effigy of Nancy Pelosi with a semi-automatic shotgun.
• describe our fantasies of Sarah Palin licking Dick Cheney's fuzzy nipples.

No. We just sit around, eat a bucket of psilocybin mushrooms, drink invisible tea, and converse with inanimate stuffed bears.

You know, like real Americans.