X-tremeties...

As we have all learned throughout the nineties and early "zeroes"(?), the most efficient way to make something more radical, more in-your-face, is to inject the letter "X" whenever possible. I have a few items that have proven their capacity to be x-treme, so I have changed them accordingly. They include:

Tix

Cox

Dux

Vix VapoRub

There are also a few things that have, over time, lost their edge. They are no longer "x-worthy" and require revision. They include:

Mecksico

Ibecks

T-Recks

Secks And The City

Songs That Find Their Way Into Your Brain And Won't Leave...

This is a video of a tune that my pal, Amy, suggested during my last I-Pod shopping spree. It it power-poptastic! I've had a chance now to savor all the tunes you guys recommended and I like them all. This one, however, really has its claws in me. Again, I could be way behind the times here, but fuck it...

New Year, New Links...

And the list just keeps on a-growin'! Some of these I've been meaning to add for a while, so my apologies for waiting so long...

• I had the pleasure of meeting Tenacious S at our Chicago blogger rendezvous, which, by the way, was a big success as far as I'm concerned. Thanks to all who attended! As a resident of the Chicagoland area, she will make a welcome addition here.
• I'm adding three more Cantonites to my rolls - Genn6, Elizabeth, and my good buddy Doc. Doc's blog is about beer. Welcome to the mix, all!
• Passion Of The Dale. I have admired this blog from afar and I know many of my readers are big fans. Now you have an quick route from here to there. Plus, it always warms my heart to link to Canucks.
• Shit, I forgot this one. I always like to give fledgling blogs a boost. Since she has been a frequent commenter here and has me as one of her two links, welcome to Anonymous Blogger.
• Crap! Another one I forgot. Dave, consider yourself one of us. Dave is an Elmhurst native and likes to post what he calls "Bad Art", although I kinda like it.
• Dammit!! I needed to be more organized with this one. I have been meaning to add Princess Mombi to the roll as well and thank her for linking me.
• I'm also going to add an excellent diversion of a site called The Fee Feasible Prophecies. But that's it for now, dammit!
  

Two Ends Of The Spectrum...

Here are two books I received as gifts this Christmas. This might say something about the kind of person I am...

"The World According To Mister Rogers - Important Things To Remember", by Fred Rogers.

"The F Word", edited by Jesse Sheidlower.

Who's Responsible For This Mess?...

Well, I hope you all enjoyed ransacking my blog while I was gone. I'm glad you all had fun. Little did you know I had a surveillance camera running the entire time. Some of you were doing some pretty risque shit. I wonder how much your good name is worth to you. I have a limited number of copies of the tape. Shall we start the bidding?

I've been feeling blogger withdrawal. I've got new, exciting blog ideas coming out of every orifice. As always, I'll be focusing on the ones emanating from the sphinctal region. Fasten your seatbelts...

A Parting Wish...

This will be my last post until after the new year. I didn't bother to recruit a guest blogger as I'm sure everyone has their own shit going on and shouldn't be troubled to tend to my flock.

To all of you: Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukkah, Kwanzaa, and whatever the hell you cranky-pants Atheists celebrate. I hope this arbitrary holiday called New Years marks the beginning of new and better things for each of you. I've enjoyed getting to know you this past year and look forward to more laughs in 2007!

In closing, please use the comments section of this post as an open forum while I'm away. Talk about whatever you like. Make a mess. Run around naked. You have the reigns. I'll be interested to see what's here when I get back...

3...2...1...

I'm officially on vacation, bitches!

A Reminder...

I mentioned this a while back, but I'm leaving for Chi-town tomorrow and wanted to post about this before I left. Some of us will be getting together on December 29, any time after 6:00 P.M. at my friends' restaurant, Club Lago, on the corner of Superior & Orleans in the lovely River North gallery district. If we decide to bar-hop, we'll leave word with the staff where we went, in case you get there late. This is an open invitation to any blogger, lurker, or anyone else that may want to come out and meet people they only know through the internets.

If any of you want to spread the word on your own blogs, please do. I think this will be fun!

Haven't You Seen His Movies?...

"YES, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I HOPE I BURN IN HELL!!"

Samuel L. Jackson turns 58 today.
He yells a lot.

To What Should I Attribute My Unprecedented Popularity?...

My buddy Jen over at The Slack tagged me...

A- Available or single? Engaged. Oh, didn't I tell you!?
B- Best Friend? Diamonds (What can I say? I'm in touch with my feminine side.)
C- Cake or pie? Both go right to my thighs.
D- Drink of choice? puddle water
E- Essential item I use every day. plunger
F- Favorite color: Badd (as in "Color me...)
G- Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms? Gummy Venus De Milo
H- Hometown? Elmhurst , IL
I- Indulgence: No, I'm not Catholic.
J- January or February? It would've been February, but that silent-r pisses me off.
K- Kids and names: A girl, Nargausius, and a boy, L'il Suck.
L- Life is incomplete without? Mikey (He LIKES it!)
M- Marriage date: potato salad
N- Number of siblings: brother & sister (twins), younger
O- Oranges or apples? I don't like to compare these two things.
P- Phobias or fears? Concrete, grass, and wood. It's a cross I bear every day.
Q- Favorite quote? "Huh?" - Britney Spears
R- Reasons to smile: gassiness
S- Season: Sure, put a little Oregano on it.
T- Tag 3 or 4 people. Hey, don't be tellin' me what to do!
U- Unknown fact about me: I have exactly two hairs on the mid-knuckles of my two ring fingers, but none of the other ones. Seriously.
V- Vegetable you don’t like: You name it, I probably don't like it.
W- Worst habit: Sticking my dick in the mashed potatoes.
Y- Your favorite food? F to the muthafuckin' P, boy-eeez! As if you didn't know.
Z- Zodiac? Uncle Leo

The Wednesday One...

Here's a list of the last song to pop up on my I-Pod:

• As I Recall It - Donovan

That is all...

Something I Wonder...

Do you think that all of us perceive colors the same way? I mean, what if what I consider to be blue is red to someone else. Or maybe other people see colors that I cannot even comprehend. After all, it's all relative.

When you're young, someone tells you the sky is blue and the grass is green. You say, "Sure, whatever", and continue to suck down the remainder of your Fla-Vor-Ice, then roll up the plastic packaging and blow, like one of those party favors, not considering that everyone's perception of color could be vastly different. I mean, everyone's physiology differs, right? What's to say that subtle differences in people's rod and cones could result in something like this? Just something to think about.

You Asked For It...

Reasons I'm an ass:

• I haven't spoken to my brother since August out of sheer stubborness.
• I watch horrible TV shows when I could be doing something constructive.
• I bitch about politics and injustice and don't really do jack shit about it.
• I over-analyze women's intentions to the point that I drive myself crazy.
• I tell people how powerful forgiveness can be, then don't practice it myself.
• I don't always speak up when I should.
• I have a dead Pine in my yard that has been dead forever and I refuse to cut the fucker down, even though it looks awful.
• I pay bills late and get charged a fee, even when I have the money and no good reason why I can't pay them on time.
• I let myself get worked up about things of no consequence.

Ahhhh... Sweet catharsis. There's plenty more. Feel free to add a few.

Oh, please, no pity. I'm not ashamed of this stuff. It's part of the package. Someday I'll get it under control.

What Next?...

What do you think? Should we discuss the death penalty? Abortion? Affirmative action? Beatles vs. Stones?

Or should I return to breezy pop culture and scatological humor?

Or should we discuss why I'm such an ass?

It's your call...

Meet Madalyn Murray O'Hair...

I saw this documentary on Sundance last night called "Godless In America". It told the story of Ms. O'Hair, the murdered leader of the American Atheists. She's the one who fought to get prayer out of schools in the '60s and was subsequently named the "Most Hated Woman In America", by Life Magazine. I had never heard of her.

If you read the Wikipedia link, she sounded like a real bitch. In the movie, she was abrasive, but seemed to have a sense of humor. The bottom line is that she was anti-establishment and a shit-disturber and I appreciate that. I think it's good to question any sort of power structure. I think Atheism is a little extreme. Atheists seems as absolute in their beliefs as Theists do. Atheism requires the same kind of faith in the unknowable. I prefer Agnosticism. Why not just admit we don't fucking know what the deal is? I believe there are forces at work beyond our comprehension, but I know I could be wrong. No one knows for sure. It seems like the people who claim to be sure are the ones causing all the problems.

The Accolades Just Keep Coming...

In what some are calling the "biggest cop-out of all time", Time Magazine has named me their "Person Of The Year".

Shit. I didn't even know I was in the running!

Fucking stupid, irrelevant mainstream media...

Help Settle An Argument...

OK, perhaps my pals out there in blogland can set someone I know straight...

Yesterday (Sunday the 17th) I told someone I'd "see them next week". Do you think this means that I'll see them sometime between the 18th and 23rd OR between the 24th and 30th. In order to keep this fair, I won't reveal which I think is correct. The answer seems obvious to me...

The Funniest Person I Know...

If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you know I'm a big fan of laughter. I require it on a daily basis. Sometimes people I know make me laugh. Sometimes I laugh because of comedians or other famous people. Sometimes I make myself laugh. Currently, no one can make me laugh as hard or as easily as my sister can. I talk with her on the phone maybe once a week. She has the ability to get me laughing so hard I can't breathe. Most of it is goofy shit from our childhood that no one else would find funny. She also does spot-on impressions of certain family members. I hope all of you have some source of uncontrolable laughter. It's really one of my favorite things in life.

And before any of you sick fucks say anything, no, I did not marry my sister...

The Results Of My CoinStar/I-Tunes Shopping Spree...

OK. I tried to at least purchase one track off each person's list (unless you told me you'd burn shit for me). The other songs I bought were either non-blog recommendations or stuff I remembered and thought I'd like. I still have like $9 credit, so if you have any last ditch suggestions, now's the time. Here they are (in the alphabetical order determined by my I-Pod):

• Bedouin Soundclash - 12:59 Lullaby (The Boob Lady, sort of)
  
• Big Head Todd & The Monsters (with John Lee Hooker) - Boom Boom (Dave, who I happened to be on the phone with at the time, so he got a bunch of credits.)
  
• Big Head Todd & The Monsters - The Moose Song (Guido)
  
• Big Bill Broonzy - John Henry (Me)
  
• Bob Dylan - Shelter From The Storm (Me)
  
• Bob Dylan - A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall (Me)
  
• Canned Heat - Going Up The Country (Dave)
  
• The Decemberists - The Mariner's Revenge Song (Beth)
  
• Elvis Presley - A Little Less Conversation (Flannery - sort of)
  
• Genesis - The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway (Elizabeth and Genn6)
  
• Guster - Amsterdam (Johnny Yen)
  
• Harry Nilsson - Jump Into The Fire (Frank)
  
• Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Henehene Kou'Aka (Vikkitikkitavi, a LONG time ago)
  
• Jeff Buckley - If You Knew (Live) (Megan)
  
• Jimmy Rushing - Boogie Woogie (I May Be Wrong) (Me)
  
• Joe Jackson - Another World (Frank)
  
• Leonard Cohen - Tower Of Song (Guido)
  
• Metric - Poster Of A Girl (Frank)
  
• My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade (Geo)
  
• Night Ranger - Sister Christian (forgive Me)
• Ocean Blue - Between Something And Nothing (mixednut)
  
• Old 97's - Time Bomb (Me)
  
• Olu Dara - Your Lips (Dave)
  
• Patsy Cline - Walkin' After Midnight (Me)
  
• Paul Simon - Kodachrome (Me)
  
• Queen - These Are The Days Of Our Lives (Guido)
  
• The Raconteurs - Level (Dave)
  
• The Redwalls - Universal Blues (Dave)
  
• The Shins - New Slang (Slinger)
  
• The Sounds - Song With A Mission (Frank)
  
• The Specials - A Message To You Rudy (Me)
  
• The Specials - Monkey Man (Live) (Me)
• The Sundays - Folk Song (Teri)
  
• Stray Cats - Built For Speed (Marni)
  
• Van Halen - Drop Dead Legs (I know, I should have "1984") (Me)
  
• The Vincent Black Shadow - Metro (Amy)
  
• Violent Femmes - American Music (Flannery)
  
• Weezer - Beverly Hills (Geo)
  
• The White Stripes - Sister, Do You Know My Name? (Me)
  
• The White Stripes - Black Math (Me)

Thanks for the help. So far I like what I'm hearing! For those of you who recommended entire albums, I'll definitely look into them.

A Christmas-Flavored Tag...

This one comes via Genn6.

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I suppose if I had to pick, it'd be hot chocolate, but I'm not a big fan of hot drinks. Drinking a glass full of raw eggs just sounds disgusting.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
Actually, Santa farms that stuff out to 9-year-old Malaysians. Globalization, baby!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
We had custom-made black Christmas lights. It made Christmas that much more funky.

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
No. Well, only where you can't see it. Ka-zing!

5. When do you put your decorations up?
April.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Rita Moreno.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child:
Cleaning all the reindeer droppings off the roof. Those things make an ungodly mess. My brother, sister, and I would compete to see who could find the most/biggest/stankest. The winner got a Denny's gift certificate.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa?
You mean the shit about his, um, tendencies towards his reindeer fleet. I'm sorry. This is a family blog.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
I open a bunch. Once your parents divorce, it becomes necessity.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
I once got this really sad, "Charlie Brown"-tree and decorated it. It looked great, but each day I'd come home and the cat had knocked everything, lights and ornaments, off. He continued, so I discontinued the tree.

11. Snow! Love it or dread it?
I live along Lake Michigan in Northern Michigan in one of the premier snow belts in the country. I'd better like snow.

12. What's the best part of Christmas to you?
Kids laughing and smiling a lot.

13 . Do you remember your favorite gift?
Not really. I remember getting a bitchin' Navy Pea Coat that I really wanted one year.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you?
The birth of little baby Jesus, of course! Do you think Joseph got to cut the cord?

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
My mom makes this chocolate-covered thing with peppermint ice cream, the kind with the candy bits in it. I ask her to make it each year. She does because she knows how much my approval means.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Lately, it's been Dubya's "Barney-Cam".

17. What tops your tree?
Bitch, I tell you I ain't gots no tree! Shee-it.

18. Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?
Again, this is a family blog. Totally inappropriate question.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Mama's Gotta Die Tonight, by Body Count

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
Oh, you're supposed to EAT those things!? Thanks for telling me.

I want to see what my boy, Frank, can do with this puppy.

This Website Would Be Pretty Cool If I Thought It Actually Worked...

Here's something I happened upon. Maybe you've all tried this before and I'm the last to know. It wouldn't be the first time. You just upload a photo and it cranks out celebrities you supposedly look like.

First, my original avatar:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Antonio Meucci, Jack Lemmon, Ezra Pound, Tom Brady, Jennifer Capriati (poor girl), Cat Stevens, Gilbert Becaud (?), Kurt Vonnegut

Now, a non-bearded photo:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Hal Sparks, Bill Paxton (Chet!! What're the fucking odds!?), James Garner, Billy Bob Thornton, Ben Stiller, Dean Cain, Aidan Quinn, Josh Duhamel (?)

And just for shits & giggles, my third grade class photo:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Juliette Lewis, Darryl Hannah, Sienna Miller, Izabella Scorupco (?), Anna Kournikova, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Halle Berry, Bridget Fonda

Try it yourself. It's pretty easy.

Some Of The Shit I Miss About Chicago...

...besides, of course, my family and friends:

Canfield's 50/50 (even though I no longer drink pop.)

Kick ass live music venues like the Double Door (above), the Vic, the Riv, the Green Mill, and many others.

Driving on Lake Shore Drive (sans traffic).

Dive bars with Old Style signs in the window.

Fannie May Pixies.

and Tommy "Skillet-head" Skilling.

I Loves Me Some Banjo...

...and I love musical jams. As Steve Martin used to say, you just can't help but feel happy when you hear the banjo.

Bite Me, Obnoxiously Perfect Christmas Newsletter Family...

A lot of you must get those sap-filled Christmas "newsletters" from the greatest family in the whole world. The ones that make you want to wretch. Here's the worst culprit I could find from last year (Names withheld to protect the sucky sucks that sent this. It is 100% real.) :

Dear Friends,

Our 2005 was overwhelmed by good news. Headlining the news is *****'s engagement to **** ******. If you refer back to your previous editions of this newsletter, you'll recall that ****is a wonderful young man; charming, handsome, bright, and ambitious -- characteristics shared by *****. Since last year's newsletter, **** entered the MBA program at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management.

****'s proposal to ***** set a standard that will never be surpassed. An actual recounting would fill a book. This abridged newsletter version will point out that the proposal included a violin player strategically pre-positioned by the fountain in the courtyard of the church near Watertower Place in downtown Chicago, a fabulous purse that ***** had been considering in which **** placed engagement ring diamonds, and a bended knee proposal, all followed by a horse drawn carriage tour of *****'s favorite places in downtown Chicago.

You need not rush to make travel plans for the wedding. It is scheduled for June 2007, after **** graduates from B-school. It's hard to envision a more perfect couple, and their engagement made us at least as happy as they are.

Next on the list of good news is that by the time you read this newsletter, **** will have graduated from Michigan State University's Eli Broad School of Business with a degree in Supply Chain. Supply Chain is all about Just In Time Manufacturing, Enterprise Resource Planning, business-to-business electronic order placement and fulfillment, and so forth. **** deserves credit for selecting a field that is in demand with few competing programs, and for completing his degree. If you have any job leads, you can reply immediately.

**** continues in his journey toward a PhD in BioMedical Engineering at Washington University in St. Louis, MO. He's on the cutting edge of brain research -- literally. This month he spent a week in Washington, DC, giving a presentation at the Society for Neuroscience Conference. In August we were able to visit **** in his domain at the BME lab at Wash. U. We continue to be awed by ****'s brilliance and knowledge.

It's somewhat surreal that in a year of natural disasters globally and at home in the U.S. and continued tragic conflicts in the world we have enjoyed so much good fortune. ****** and I continue with too many volunteer and communtiy service projects and hope that in some way that ameliorates some of the hardship others are suffering. In the meantime, we look forward to an even better 2006 for everyone.

Update:

-The engagement is off after ***** found **** in bed with the pool boy. She surprised everyone when she brought a member of the Korean Mafia as her date to this year's Thanksgiving dinner.

-**** is still unemployed. Turns out Supply Chain wasn't the cash cow everyone thought. He spends his days watching "Ellen" and gently sobbing.

-**** was charged with negligent homicide after cutting open the skull of what he THOUGHT was a cadaver. Turns out it was his professor taking a nap.

-Mom & Dad were asked to "cease and desist" any further volunteer activities after people tired of them asking if they'd accepted Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior every ten minutes.

It's Thursday And You Know What THAT Means...

...Time for a picture of Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy!

Please don't ask how this name crept into my subconscious.

The funny thing is, his real name is almost as cool - Fedor Jeftichew.