This Website Would Be Pretty Cool If I Thought It Actually Worked...

Here's something I happened upon. Maybe you've all tried this before and I'm the last to know. It wouldn't be the first time. You just upload a photo and it cranks out celebrities you supposedly look like.

First, my original avatar:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Antonio Meucci, Jack Lemmon, Ezra Pound, Tom Brady, Jennifer Capriati (poor girl), Cat Stevens, Gilbert Becaud (?), Kurt Vonnegut

Now, a non-bearded photo:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Hal Sparks, Bill Paxton (Chet!! What're the fucking odds!?), James Garner, Billy Bob Thornton, Ben Stiller, Dean Cain, Aidan Quinn, Josh Duhamel (?)

And just for shits & giggles, my third grade class photo:

(L to R, Top to Bottom): Juliette Lewis, Darryl Hannah, Sienna Miller, Izabella Scorupco (?), Anna Kournikova, Jamie-Lynn Spears, Halle Berry, Bridget Fonda

Try it yourself. It's pretty easy.

Some Of The Shit I Miss About Chicago...

...besides, of course, my family and friends:

Canfield's 50/50 (even though I no longer drink pop.)

Kick ass live music venues like the Double Door (above), the Vic, the Riv, the Green Mill, and many others.

Driving on Lake Shore Drive (sans traffic).

Dive bars with Old Style signs in the window.

Fannie May Pixies.

and Tommy "Skillet-head" Skilling.

I Loves Me Some Banjo...

...and I love musical jams. As Steve Martin used to say, you just can't help but feel happy when you hear the banjo.

Bite Me, Obnoxiously Perfect Christmas Newsletter Family...

A lot of you must get those sap-filled Christmas "newsletters" from the greatest family in the whole world. The ones that make you want to wretch. Here's the worst culprit I could find from last year (Names withheld to protect the sucky sucks that sent this. It is 100% real.) :

Dear Friends,

Our 2005 was overwhelmed by good news. Headlining the news is *****'s engagement to **** ******. If you refer back to your previous editions of this newsletter, you'll recall that ****is a wonderful young man; charming, handsome, bright, and ambitious -- characteristics shared by *****. Since last year's newsletter, **** entered the MBA program at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management.

****'s proposal to ***** set a standard that will never be surpassed. An actual recounting would fill a book. This abridged newsletter version will point out that the proposal included a violin player strategically pre-positioned by the fountain in the courtyard of the church near Watertower Place in downtown Chicago, a fabulous purse that ***** had been considering in which **** placed engagement ring diamonds, and a bended knee proposal, all followed by a horse drawn carriage tour of *****'s favorite places in downtown Chicago.

You need not rush to make travel plans for the wedding. It is scheduled for June 2007, after **** graduates from B-school. It's hard to envision a more perfect couple, and their engagement made us at least as happy as they are.

Next on the list of good news is that by the time you read this newsletter, **** will have graduated from Michigan State University's Eli Broad School of Business with a degree in Supply Chain. Supply Chain is all about Just In Time Manufacturing, Enterprise Resource Planning, business-to-business electronic order placement and fulfillment, and so forth. **** deserves credit for selecting a field that is in demand with few competing programs, and for completing his degree. If you have any job leads, you can reply immediately.

**** continues in his journey toward a PhD in BioMedical Engineering at Washington University in St. Louis, MO. He's on the cutting edge of brain research -- literally. This month he spent a week in Washington, DC, giving a presentation at the Society for Neuroscience Conference. In August we were able to visit **** in his domain at the BME lab at Wash. U. We continue to be awed by ****'s brilliance and knowledge.

It's somewhat surreal that in a year of natural disasters globally and at home in the U.S. and continued tragic conflicts in the world we have enjoyed so much good fortune. ****** and I continue with too many volunteer and communtiy service projects and hope that in some way that ameliorates some of the hardship others are suffering. In the meantime, we look forward to an even better 2006 for everyone.

Update:

-The engagement is off after ***** found **** in bed with the pool boy. She surprised everyone when she brought a member of the Korean Mafia as her date to this year's Thanksgiving dinner.

-**** is still unemployed. Turns out Supply Chain wasn't the cash cow everyone thought. He spends his days watching "Ellen" and gently sobbing.

-**** was charged with negligent homicide after cutting open the skull of what he THOUGHT was a cadaver. Turns out it was his professor taking a nap.

-Mom & Dad were asked to "cease and desist" any further volunteer activities after people tired of them asking if they'd accepted Jesus Christ as their personal lord and savior every ten minutes.

It's Thursday And You Know What THAT Means...

...Time for a picture of Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy!

Please don't ask how this name crept into my subconscious.

The funny thing is, his real name is almost as cool - Fedor Jeftichew.

Quite Possibly The Worst YouTube Video You Will Ever Have The Misfortune Of Seeing...

This is my next submission for the Academy's consideration. It's me weatherstripping my windows. If you turn up the volume, you can hear the movie "Ghost World" playing in the background. The beer, naturally, is Molson.

Attention Fellow Office Fans...

There's a special hour-long Christmas show tonight, starting at 8:00 (7:00c).

Please plan accordingly...

Cool Older People...

The guy wearing what can only be described as one of the best hats of all time is my friend, Ken. This is a picture he sent me the other day from his trip to Antarctica. Here he is making time with the Russian crew members on his boat.

I met Ken and his wife on my first trip to South Africa. After we located the perfect spot for our group's daily post-work happy hour (beers were like 50 cents), I knew we'd be fast friends. He's the kind of person people like to be around. Soon after we returned, his wife, Audrey, lost a fight with cancer. Since this time, Ken has set an example for me as far as what retirement can be.

I'll often get letters from Ken from exotic places. One minute he's in Zambia, doing work with Heifer International, then he's in some remote part of the Amazon, passing a peace-pipe with a native tribe. He's always somewhere new: Papua-New Guinea, Cambodia, and apparently Antarctica. This is what I want to do someday. I want to see as much of this world as I can. I don't care if it's primitive, poverty-stricken, war-torn. It doesn't matter. I'd go anywhere if someone gave me a plane ticket.

Believe it or not, Ken is actually a retired Lutheran pastor. I know I dump on organized religion a lot, but I've learned from experience that not all religious people are gay-hating bible-thumpers. A lot of them are pretty cool.

I'd Like To Butter Yer Muffin...

My younger brother's friends used to call me "Chet". For some reason, they thought I overcharged them once for some beer I bought them before they were 21.

Well, that and my fondness for the phrase "Yer stewed, buttwad!"

Another Blasted Tag!...

...courtesy of the friendly neighborhood Boob Lady. I am supposed to name five songs that represent how I am feeling right...wait for it...now! If you don't mind, I'm going to stick to songs on my I-Pod. Otherwise, there are just too damn many songs out there to choose from.

1. This Is The Day, by The The. It represents the unbridled optimism I possess at all times.
2. Waving My Dick In The Wind, by Ween. I ran out of clean underwear today, so, you know...
3. Valley Winter Song, by Fountains Of Wayne. Despite the fact it's not quite winter, there is some snow left and I live in the Boyne Valley. Besides, it's a pretty song.
4. The Luckiest, by Ben Folds. I'm a lucky person, for the most part. A lot of things tend to work out to my benefit. I'm feeling particularly lucky right now.
   
5. Little Boxes, by Malvina Reynolds. Those of you who watch the show "Weeds" know this little ditty. Working in architecture may have something to do with this.

I tag my four new links additions (see below). Of course, it is completely optional, as always. As someone I know likes to say, I'm not the boss of you...

Housekeeping...

I was going to wait until my 10,000 hit to update my links, but fuck it. It's the time of year to be giving. I'm sure my endorsement will ensure the meteoric success of the following blogs:

Slinger is a Chicago Bears fan and can't stand bad drivers that bitch about how bad other drivers are. I concur.

Gizmorox has a blog I've been checking out recently. She seems to share a bunch of mutual blog-pals. She likes OKGO and she already added me to her list. Thanks!

Johnny Yen is another Chicagoan (and I believe an Elmhurstian), a teacher, and a fan of Phil Ochs. From what I can tell, he's a hell of a storyteller and has a great retirement planned.

I Dig Hootch And Cootch is a Canuck and has a sick, twisted mind that I can appreciate. He's a hell of an animator to boot. Warning, this blog is not for the faint of heart.

My apologies if I've forgotten anyone. As always, the links will be added in non-alphabetical order. Sorry, OCDers!

Puke Inducing...

I know, to some, it can annoying for people to talk about how cute their son/daughter/grandchild/niece/nephew is, but just humor me. One of my concerns about living far away was that my niece wouldn't know who I was. Last night, my sister called. She and my brother-in-law often show Nora (14 months) a photo album with pictures of different relatives. Yesterday she asked "Where's Uncle Christopher?" Nora walked over to where the album was and pointed to it. My sister handed it to her and she opened it up to my picture and pointed. My sister repeated this later to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Needless to say, I'm a proud uncle. By the way, that's her with the Fisher-Price farm I gave her for her birthday.

I Don't Ask You People For Much...

...but I need as many people to respond to this post as possible. Last night I saw a commercial for those CoinStar change-counting machines. They mentioned that there is no charge if you redeem your money in the form of credit towards different things (Amazon, Circuit City, etc.). I am most interested in I-Tunes. You see, I used to buy CDs all the fucking time. However, it's been a while since I've taken a chance on unknown music (I used to buy certain albums based on the fact that the cover looked cool, not knowing anything else.). I'd love for as many people as I can find to give me five of their "must-have" songs. They can be mainstream, obscure, any genre, any artist - just songs that you really really like. Here is a LIST of albums I have, in case you don't want to overlap.

I always empty my change into a jar each night, so I figure I can buy and download a healthy amount of music. Your assitance is greatly appreciated!

Early Retirement...

I know there are a lot of people out there who love their jobs. I like mine pretty well myself. Some people pour every bit of their souls into their career. It's the focal point of their lives. There are even those who postpone retirement because they're afraid they won't know what to do with themselves. They figure they'll be bored and do nothing but sit around and watch Dr. Phil all day.

This attitude does not compute with me. If I could, I would retire tomorrow. If I have the option financially to stop worrying about earning an income, I'll take it in a heartbeat. There are a million things I could find to do. I could sit around and carve fish all day, for one. I could dream up stupid blog ideas. I could read books I've wanted to read, see movies I've wanted to see, and watch all the episodes of "Saved By The Bell" consecutively, in order, from the days of Miss Bliss to the college years. I could teach myself how to play the trumpet. I could take walks in the woods, find pretty spots, and just sit. I could volunteer doing any number of things to help people out. There's no limit to the fun you could have.

Retirement, to me, doesn not mean you have to stop working. It just means you aren't obligated to work if you don't feel like it. That's the sort of freedom I want in life. Don't you? Or maybe you hate freedom...

Just out of curiosity, what would you guys do with your retirement?

Are They Still Playing Football?...

I kinda lost track of football during my east coast swing. Plus, the Bears have not looked as strong as they did earlier in the season. This, combined with the fact that they tend to suck on Monday night, made my expectations low.

What a pleasant surprise! Hester was magical and Grossman seemed to get off the schnide. Plus-40 point games bode well for us. Keep hope alive, Chicago Bears!

The Mall...

Anyone who was raised in the suburbs (and probably a few who weren't) know that the social and cultural center for any teen or pre-teen is the mall. It's where all the magic happens. I never understood why, at the time, the mall was always the default destination if we couldn't come up with something better. I never had money to buy anything. I'd patiently wait as my other friends would peruse video game stores for the latest and greatest. Normally we could sucker one of our parents to drive, but occassionally had to resort to (ack) the bus. Our staple mall was Yorktown Center in Lombard, IL.

One of the challenges that came with each trip to the mall was to see if we could "out-obnoxious" our previous trip. A few of our favorite pasttimes included:

• Buying super-balls, going up to the second level, and bouncing the ball down to the lower level and across to the other side. We learned the hard way to avoid doing this in front of a shop that sells crystal or Hummels.
• Playing "Killer" (a tougher-sounding form of hide-and-seek) in one of the anchor stores like Marshall Fields. Every now and then they'd be serving cheese & crackers in the furnture department if you were lucky. Kids gravitate towards freebies like moths to a flame.
• Once we bought a helium balloon and poured a jar of that green slime stuff (you know what I'm talking about) and released it while the slime dripped down upon unsuspecting shoppers.
• We'd go to customer service and see if we could convince the person working to page someone. I know you're thinking we'd use names like "Mike Hunt" or "Phil McCracken", but we got enough of a kick out of using regular names that we never had to resort to that. We were weird.

Of course, there were always mall security to contend with, as well as frustrated retail workers that had enough shit to deal with besides annoying mouth-breathers like us.

Nowadays I loathe the fucking mall. I avoid them at all costs. The nearest one to me is about 1.5 hours away. Suits me just fine. I've eaten enough Sbarro pizza to last a lifetime.

The Crush Tag...

I'm now supposed to talk about my childhood crushes. I have Megan to thank for making relive all the pain and rejection. As Billy Crystal once said, "While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it." Try not to cry...

The first crush I can remember lasted basically from kindergarten through fifth grade. She was easily the prettiest, most popular girl in school. She was from a wealthy family and always came back from Christmas and Spring breaks with a savage tan. Despite this, she was really cool and not stuck up at all. The one thing I had going for me was the ability to make her laugh. Unfortunately, I was a shrimp and felt insecure about it. I never worked up the nerve to act on my feelings. She ended up marrying a local politician.

In Junior High, I had a thing for this really cute girl who was one of the few that was actually shorter than me. We used to have a Friday night ballroom dance class that everyone's parents forced them to take and I'd always ask her to dance (the girls had to say yes, thank god). She was also part of the popular crowd, so I would've been a step down for her. I eventually gave up, fearing ridicule if I actually told her I liked her.

In high school I had a bunch of crushes. Most of them either had boyfriends already or were way out of my league. As a result of all this, I was a basket case going into college when it came to women. I still am, to an extent, but I did grow (finally) and I feel a certain level of confidence. As I've explained in other posts, I still have some issues when it comes to approaching women. Sorry to bum everyone out on a Monday, but sometimes the truth hurts.

OK, so I tag my boys Frank (although he may have done this one), Geo, and Phil (who hasn't posted shit in a while). Go to it, fellas!

A Helpful Tip For New Bloggers...

I remember when I started this blog, it was a challenge getting people to notice it. If you have a new blog and want to attract an audience, I have a sure-fire way to do it. Title one of your posts "Nipples" and people will flock to you. Since my recent Jennifer Aniston post, you would not believe the increase in traffic I've had and how many people found me as a result of doing a nipple search on Google. For some reason, searches for "Twizzlers" also bring me a lot of hits as well.

Issue One...

Some Guy's Blog is the shit...

Bye-bye!

Anyone out there like McLaughlin as much as I do?

I didn't think so...

This Sucks...

Now what am I supposed to do? As you probably know from watching the news lately, all the world's problem are either solved or on the cusp of being solved. As a result, about 50% of my potential blog content will be moot. This is going to force me to be even more creative than before and may completely sap me of all my blogging energy. I was afraid this might happen one day...

First, the Iraq Study Group. This blue-ribbon panel (average age=97) uncovered a lot of stuff that we commoners would've never been privy to had it not been for them. These freedom-haters had the nerve to tell us that the situation in Iraq is deteriorating. WHAT!? What about all those hospitals and schools they'd painted? I, for one, would've never believed it, but Ed Meese is part of the group, so it's GOT to be true. Obviously, our President, god love him, is moving swiftly to adopt all of their recommendations. He has admitted repeatedly that the entire mess was his fault and his alone. He has learned that wars based on a bunch of bullshit lies don't have positive outcomes, no matter how much of a god-given gift liberty is to all mankind. He is en route to Iran, as I write this, to sit down with Ahmedinejaddaladdadingdong to iron out how to make things right. Problem fucking solved.

Next we have the issue of congressional corruption. Specifically, the Foley Scandal (or "Foleygate" or "The Bay of Foley Fiasco" or "The Dirty Old Mancident"). The findings found that no one did anything wrong. The republicans, god love 'em, gave themselves a gold star for all their efforts to root out the pederasts amongst them. I say, job, well, done. Bravo.

Aside from these things, bipartisan unity is flourishing, global warming has stopped, Pinochet is reported dead, and it looks like there's gonna be a new Rambo movie. It's fucking Morning In America, bitches!

Man, I hope the well has not run dry...

Thanks, Sans!...

Check out this kick-ass billboard made by our friend over at Sans Pantaloons. If you haven't yet, check out his blog! This billboard will be visible along 290, headed into Chicago, by where the old Magikist lips used to be.

Slim Goodbody...

Anybody remember this nerdlick?

I know it's not very nice but...

DORK!!

Master Cleanser...

Have any of you ever tried THIS? Essentially you consume nothing but a mix of water, fresh lemon juice, organic maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days and it's supposed to rid your body of all sorts of toxins & shit. I'd like to do it sometime just to see what the effects are (and to see if I can). If you have, let me know what you thought.

Nipples...

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and I know the subject of Ms. Aniston's hard nipples have been covered ad nauseum, but seriously, is there some sort of nipple-Viagra on the market that I don't know about? Is there such a thing as Nipular Priapism?

A Few Questions For You Beta Bloggers...

I just made the leap to Beta. I can see a few problems:

• Why are a bunch of the commenters showing up as Anonymous and is there anything I can do to change this? It's going to be EXTREMELY annoying to not know who is leaving which comment.
• Do I not get to see people's avatars anymore when they comment?
• Did I just make a huge mistake switching over?
• Do you hate freedom?

I'm cold and there are wolves after me...