Quite Possibly The Worst YouTube Video You Will Ever Have The Misfortune Of Seeing...

This is my next submission for the Academy's consideration. It's me weatherstripping my windows. If you turn up the volume, you can hear the movie "Ghost World" playing in the background. The beer, naturally, is Molson.

Attention Fellow Office Fans...

There's a special hour-long Christmas show tonight, starting at 8:00 (7:00c).

Please plan accordingly...

Cool Older People...

The guy wearing what can only be described as one of the best hats of all time is my friend, Ken. This is a picture he sent me the other day from his trip to Antarctica. Here he is making time with the Russian crew members on his boat.

I met Ken and his wife on my first trip to South Africa. After we located the perfect spot for our group's daily post-work happy hour (beers were like 50 cents), I knew we'd be fast friends. He's the kind of person people like to be around. Soon after we returned, his wife, Audrey, lost a fight with cancer. Since this time, Ken has set an example for me as far as what retirement can be.

I'll often get letters from Ken from exotic places. One minute he's in Zambia, doing work with Heifer International, then he's in some remote part of the Amazon, passing a peace-pipe with a native tribe. He's always somewhere new: Papua-New Guinea, Cambodia, and apparently Antarctica. This is what I want to do someday. I want to see as much of this world as I can. I don't care if it's primitive, poverty-stricken, war-torn. It doesn't matter. I'd go anywhere if someone gave me a plane ticket.

Believe it or not, Ken is actually a retired Lutheran pastor. I know I dump on organized religion a lot, but I've learned from experience that not all religious people are gay-hating bible-thumpers. A lot of them are pretty cool.

I'd Like To Butter Yer Muffin...

My younger brother's friends used to call me "Chet". For some reason, they thought I overcharged them once for some beer I bought them before they were 21.

Well, that and my fondness for the phrase "Yer stewed, buttwad!"

Another Blasted Tag!...

...courtesy of the friendly neighborhood Boob Lady. I am supposed to name five songs that represent how I am feeling right...wait for it...now! If you don't mind, I'm going to stick to songs on my I-Pod. Otherwise, there are just too damn many songs out there to choose from.

1. This Is The Day, by The The. It represents the unbridled optimism I possess at all times.
2. Waving My Dick In The Wind, by Ween. I ran out of clean underwear today, so, you know...
3. Valley Winter Song, by Fountains Of Wayne. Despite the fact it's not quite winter, there is some snow left and I live in the Boyne Valley. Besides, it's a pretty song.
4. The Luckiest, by Ben Folds. I'm a lucky person, for the most part. A lot of things tend to work out to my benefit. I'm feeling particularly lucky right now.
   
5. Little Boxes, by Malvina Reynolds. Those of you who watch the show "Weeds" know this little ditty. Working in architecture may have something to do with this.

I tag my four new links additions (see below). Of course, it is completely optional, as always. As someone I know likes to say, I'm not the boss of you...

Housekeeping...

I was going to wait until my 10,000 hit to update my links, but fuck it. It's the time of year to be giving. I'm sure my endorsement will ensure the meteoric success of the following blogs:

Slinger is a Chicago Bears fan and can't stand bad drivers that bitch about how bad other drivers are. I concur.

Gizmorox has a blog I've been checking out recently. She seems to share a bunch of mutual blog-pals. She likes OKGO and she already added me to her list. Thanks!

Johnny Yen is another Chicagoan (and I believe an Elmhurstian), a teacher, and a fan of Phil Ochs. From what I can tell, he's a hell of a storyteller and has a great retirement planned.

I Dig Hootch And Cootch is a Canuck and has a sick, twisted mind that I can appreciate. He's a hell of an animator to boot. Warning, this blog is not for the faint of heart.

My apologies if I've forgotten anyone. As always, the links will be added in non-alphabetical order. Sorry, OCDers!

Puke Inducing...

I know, to some, it can annoying for people to talk about how cute their son/daughter/grandchild/niece/nephew is, but just humor me. One of my concerns about living far away was that my niece wouldn't know who I was. Last night, my sister called. She and my brother-in-law often show Nora (14 months) a photo album with pictures of different relatives. Yesterday she asked "Where's Uncle Christopher?" Nora walked over to where the album was and pointed to it. My sister handed it to her and she opened it up to my picture and pointed. My sister repeated this later to make sure it wasn't a fluke. Needless to say, I'm a proud uncle. By the way, that's her with the Fisher-Price farm I gave her for her birthday.

I Don't Ask You People For Much...

...but I need as many people to respond to this post as possible. Last night I saw a commercial for those CoinStar change-counting machines. They mentioned that there is no charge if you redeem your money in the form of credit towards different things (Amazon, Circuit City, etc.). I am most interested in I-Tunes. You see, I used to buy CDs all the fucking time. However, it's been a while since I've taken a chance on unknown music (I used to buy certain albums based on the fact that the cover looked cool, not knowing anything else.). I'd love for as many people as I can find to give me five of their "must-have" songs. They can be mainstream, obscure, any genre, any artist - just songs that you really really like. Here is a LIST of albums I have, in case you don't want to overlap.

I always empty my change into a jar each night, so I figure I can buy and download a healthy amount of music. Your assitance is greatly appreciated!

Early Retirement...

I know there are a lot of people out there who love their jobs. I like mine pretty well myself. Some people pour every bit of their souls into their career. It's the focal point of their lives. There are even those who postpone retirement because they're afraid they won't know what to do with themselves. They figure they'll be bored and do nothing but sit around and watch Dr. Phil all day.

This attitude does not compute with me. If I could, I would retire tomorrow. If I have the option financially to stop worrying about earning an income, I'll take it in a heartbeat. There are a million things I could find to do. I could sit around and carve fish all day, for one. I could dream up stupid blog ideas. I could read books I've wanted to read, see movies I've wanted to see, and watch all the episodes of "Saved By The Bell" consecutively, in order, from the days of Miss Bliss to the college years. I could teach myself how to play the trumpet. I could take walks in the woods, find pretty spots, and just sit. I could volunteer doing any number of things to help people out. There's no limit to the fun you could have.

Retirement, to me, doesn not mean you have to stop working. It just means you aren't obligated to work if you don't feel like it. That's the sort of freedom I want in life. Don't you? Or maybe you hate freedom...

Just out of curiosity, what would you guys do with your retirement?

Are They Still Playing Football?...

I kinda lost track of football during my east coast swing. Plus, the Bears have not looked as strong as they did earlier in the season. This, combined with the fact that they tend to suck on Monday night, made my expectations low.

What a pleasant surprise! Hester was magical and Grossman seemed to get off the schnide. Plus-40 point games bode well for us. Keep hope alive, Chicago Bears!

The Mall...

Anyone who was raised in the suburbs (and probably a few who weren't) know that the social and cultural center for any teen or pre-teen is the mall. It's where all the magic happens. I never understood why, at the time, the mall was always the default destination if we couldn't come up with something better. I never had money to buy anything. I'd patiently wait as my other friends would peruse video game stores for the latest and greatest. Normally we could sucker one of our parents to drive, but occassionally had to resort to (ack) the bus. Our staple mall was Yorktown Center in Lombard, IL.

One of the challenges that came with each trip to the mall was to see if we could "out-obnoxious" our previous trip. A few of our favorite pasttimes included:

• Buying super-balls, going up to the second level, and bouncing the ball down to the lower level and across to the other side. We learned the hard way to avoid doing this in front of a shop that sells crystal or Hummels.
• Playing "Killer" (a tougher-sounding form of hide-and-seek) in one of the anchor stores like Marshall Fields. Every now and then they'd be serving cheese & crackers in the furnture department if you were lucky. Kids gravitate towards freebies like moths to a flame.
• Once we bought a helium balloon and poured a jar of that green slime stuff (you know what I'm talking about) and released it while the slime dripped down upon unsuspecting shoppers.
• We'd go to customer service and see if we could convince the person working to page someone. I know you're thinking we'd use names like "Mike Hunt" or "Phil McCracken", but we got enough of a kick out of using regular names that we never had to resort to that. We were weird.

Of course, there were always mall security to contend with, as well as frustrated retail workers that had enough shit to deal with besides annoying mouth-breathers like us.

Nowadays I loathe the fucking mall. I avoid them at all costs. The nearest one to me is about 1.5 hours away. Suits me just fine. I've eaten enough Sbarro pizza to last a lifetime.

The Crush Tag...

I'm now supposed to talk about my childhood crushes. I have Megan to thank for making relive all the pain and rejection. As Billy Crystal once said, "While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it." Try not to cry...

The first crush I can remember lasted basically from kindergarten through fifth grade. She was easily the prettiest, most popular girl in school. She was from a wealthy family and always came back from Christmas and Spring breaks with a savage tan. Despite this, she was really cool and not stuck up at all. The one thing I had going for me was the ability to make her laugh. Unfortunately, I was a shrimp and felt insecure about it. I never worked up the nerve to act on my feelings. She ended up marrying a local politician.

In Junior High, I had a thing for this really cute girl who was one of the few that was actually shorter than me. We used to have a Friday night ballroom dance class that everyone's parents forced them to take and I'd always ask her to dance (the girls had to say yes, thank god). She was also part of the popular crowd, so I would've been a step down for her. I eventually gave up, fearing ridicule if I actually told her I liked her.

In high school I had a bunch of crushes. Most of them either had boyfriends already or were way out of my league. As a result of all this, I was a basket case going into college when it came to women. I still am, to an extent, but I did grow (finally) and I feel a certain level of confidence. As I've explained in other posts, I still have some issues when it comes to approaching women. Sorry to bum everyone out on a Monday, but sometimes the truth hurts.

OK, so I tag my boys Frank (although he may have done this one), Geo, and Phil (who hasn't posted shit in a while). Go to it, fellas!

A Helpful Tip For New Bloggers...

I remember when I started this blog, it was a challenge getting people to notice it. If you have a new blog and want to attract an audience, I have a sure-fire way to do it. Title one of your posts "Nipples" and people will flock to you. Since my recent Jennifer Aniston post, you would not believe the increase in traffic I've had and how many people found me as a result of doing a nipple search on Google. For some reason, searches for "Twizzlers" also bring me a lot of hits as well.

Issue One...

Some Guy's Blog is the shit...

Bye-bye!

Anyone out there like McLaughlin as much as I do?

I didn't think so...

This Sucks...

Now what am I supposed to do? As you probably know from watching the news lately, all the world's problem are either solved or on the cusp of being solved. As a result, about 50% of my potential blog content will be moot. This is going to force me to be even more creative than before and may completely sap me of all my blogging energy. I was afraid this might happen one day...

First, the Iraq Study Group. This blue-ribbon panel (average age=97) uncovered a lot of stuff that we commoners would've never been privy to had it not been for them. These freedom-haters had the nerve to tell us that the situation in Iraq is deteriorating. WHAT!? What about all those hospitals and schools they'd painted? I, for one, would've never believed it, but Ed Meese is part of the group, so it's GOT to be true. Obviously, our President, god love him, is moving swiftly to adopt all of their recommendations. He has admitted repeatedly that the entire mess was his fault and his alone. He has learned that wars based on a bunch of bullshit lies don't have positive outcomes, no matter how much of a god-given gift liberty is to all mankind. He is en route to Iran, as I write this, to sit down with Ahmedinejaddaladdadingdong to iron out how to make things right. Problem fucking solved.

Next we have the issue of congressional corruption. Specifically, the Foley Scandal (or "Foleygate" or "The Bay of Foley Fiasco" or "The Dirty Old Mancident"). The findings found that no one did anything wrong. The republicans, god love 'em, gave themselves a gold star for all their efforts to root out the pederasts amongst them. I say, job, well, done. Bravo.

Aside from these things, bipartisan unity is flourishing, global warming has stopped, Pinochet is reported dead, and it looks like there's gonna be a new Rambo movie. It's fucking Morning In America, bitches!

Man, I hope the well has not run dry...

Thanks, Sans!...

Check out this kick-ass billboard made by our friend over at Sans Pantaloons. If you haven't yet, check out his blog! This billboard will be visible along 290, headed into Chicago, by where the old Magikist lips used to be.

Slim Goodbody...

Anybody remember this nerdlick?

I know it's not very nice but...

DORK!!

Master Cleanser...

Have any of you ever tried THIS? Essentially you consume nothing but a mix of water, fresh lemon juice, organic maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days and it's supposed to rid your body of all sorts of toxins & shit. I'd like to do it sometime just to see what the effects are (and to see if I can). If you have, let me know what you thought.

Nipples...

I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth and I know the subject of Ms. Aniston's hard nipples have been covered ad nauseum, but seriously, is there some sort of nipple-Viagra on the market that I don't know about? Is there such a thing as Nipular Priapism?

A Few Questions For You Beta Bloggers...

I just made the leap to Beta. I can see a few problems:

• Why are a bunch of the commenters showing up as Anonymous and is there anything I can do to change this? It's going to be EXTREMELY annoying to not know who is leaving which comment.
• Do I not get to see people's avatars anymore when they comment?
• Did I just make a huge mistake switching over?
• Do you hate freedom?

I'm cold and there are wolves after me...

For All Y'all In The South...

I'm submitting this film for the next Oscars. I figure I'm a shoo-in for best costumes and best score.

When I Make My Millions...

As I've probably mentioned numerous times, I am not the type of person that is motivated by money. New stuff is not a big priority in my life. I don't want this to come off as me sounding superior in any way. I've just never had a problem driving an old car or accepting hand-me-down furniture. I don't need a huge home with modern gadgets. I can't deny that I'd enjoy them if I had them, but these things aren't a source of ultimate happiness for me. You may think I'm full of shit, but that's OK.

I honestly believe that some day I will have a lot of money. I'm not sure why - I just do. One of the things I look forward to doing with my future wealth is endowing large portions of it to causes I feel strongly about. In the past I've done a few philanthropic things and enjoyed them. However, I've never had the kind of disposable income to donate in the ways I wish I could.

One of the things I feel really passionate about are people who have been imprisoned for crimes they didn't commit. Imagine sitting for years in a prison, knowing you didn't belong there. For me it would be as bad as any torture. The hopelessness of not being able to explain why they "got the wrong guy" is unimaginable, not to mention the sort of prison life you are forced to endure in the meantime. The sense of loss, once things get straightened out and you're freed, must be beyond words - lost time with family and friends, lost opportunities to go where you want and do what you want, lost time spent walking in the woods or hearing good live music. For this reason, I think any wrongly imprisoned person should be allowed to live a life of ease and prosperity once they're out, guilt-free. I'm not sure what, if any, provisions the government and justice system makes for these individuals as far as compensation, but I'll wager it's inadequate.

I found this organization that deals with this sort of thing. If you're like me and think that these people are getting the shaft (and you've already made your millions), check them out. Or maybe you're in a position to volunteer in some way.

Free the West Memphis Three!

And now, back to more crude humor...

Thursday Thirteen...

Here's what I just listened to:

• Fernando - ABBA
• Mad Man Blues - John Lee Hooker. Uninteresting Fact: He has the same initials as small-screen saccharine strumpet, Jennifer Love Hewitt.
• I've Got To Find My Baby - Tommy Eyre
• I Know That You Know - Lionel Hampton & His Orchestra
• Can't You Hear Me Knocking - Rollng Stones
• Life I Used To Live - Lightnin' Hopkins
• She Divines Water - Camper Van Beethoven
• Stop Your Crying - Spiritualized
• That's The Way - Led Zeppelin
• Outtasite (Outta Mind) - Wilco
• Big Time Sensuality - Bjork
• Bold As Love - Jimi Hendrix Experience
• Blind Leading The Blind - Paul Butterfield

Lotsa blues today for some reason...

I'm It...Again...

This one comes courtesy of Marni. I am supposed to tell you five things you don't know about me. I'm not sure if that's possible since I've told you everything, but I'll give it a shot...

1. I wanted to be a cowboy when I was in second grade. I used to draw pictures of horses and mountains and Ford 4x4s. I wore flannel before flannel was hip. I even wore a goddamn cowboy hat to school for a little while. It was black and had a feather band (it was actually kinda cool for a cowboy hat). I don't know what happened to that dream. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I lived in suburban Chicago - not exactly a haven for cowboys.
2. I've never seen a Monty Python film. British humor just doesn't do it for me. I find them a bit too proper, even when they attempt vulgarity. Sorry. I know all my geek compatriots will be saddened and dismayed, but such is life.
3. I've had to get stitches 5 different times. I have stitches on my left knee (fell on a rusted sewer grate), my left index finger (cut it open with a serated knife helping my sister with a school project), below my lower lip (tripped when I was little and hit it on the edge of a table), on the inside of my mouth behind my upper lip (a big bike accident), and on my back (had a big-ass mole removed).
4. Dave Thomas, the now-dead founder of Wendy's, bought me lunch at a Wendy's in Grand Island, Nebraska. It was while I was on my big charity bike ride. He was making an appearance at a Wendy's, next to where we were staying. We told him about our ride and what it was for, so he popped for lunch for the entire team. This is before I gave up fast food completely because those fuckers are evil.
5. When I am sitting at my desk at work I always have two rubber bands in my left hand. For some reason I like having things in my hands (Quit it with those dirty thoughts!) Like when I go to a restaurant, I always fiddle with the straw wrapper or self-adhesive paper napkin rings. When I'm in a bar, I ALWAYS have to peel the label off my beer bottle. When I was in Greece, I noticed a bunch of men playing with "Worry beads". I bought some and proceded to annoy the shit out of my travelling companions.

I don't usually tag individuals, but I like that this one allows you to say whatever you like, so I tag: Megan, Flannery Alden (unless you already did this one and don't want to do it again), The Boob Lady, and Anne Altman (who I predict will never do it because I don't think she reads this blog and I've never seen her answer a tag.)

1983 - A Year In Pictures...

Right about now is when all the TV stations and news agencies start hauling out their "Year in Review" programs.

How lame.

It's WAY too soon to start getting nostalgic over 2006. Can't we wait a few years? How about something a little less recent. Since this is my blog and I get to do what the fuck I want, here's my retrospective of 1983:

War Games, where a young Matthew Broderick and Ally Sheedy taught us how to love.

10 hours a day average spent playing Wiffle Ball during the summer. Number of balls lost to the cranky next-door neighbor=289.

Lik-M-Aid to offset the fact that an eleven-year-old just can't seem to find enough sources of sugar.

Nerf football played every day after school until dinner during the winter. Average elapsed time before your new Nerf football had a big 'ol tear in it=5 minutes.

The A-Team. Has anything since had the cocksuredness of Hannibal? The sizzle of Dirk Benedict's "Faceman"? Or the captivating banter of B.A. and Murdoch? No fucking way.