Something I'd Like To See...

It has become pretty routine for Megan and I to watch "Jeopardy" each night at 7:30. For a trivia geek like me, I see it as a way to stay sharp. It's extremely conducive to playing along at home. I'm usually good at sports, pop culture, and geography, whereas Megan dominates when it comes to literature, history, and food-related stuff. She gets annoyed when, each time the "Daily Double" pops up, I immediately say "All of it!", no matter what the scores. I get annoyed when she doesn't phrase things in the form of a question.

As I've mentioned before, there is one glaring problem with the show - the host. Alex Trebek is a total cock who has no business hosting a show like this, let alone interacting with other people in general. The post I linked mentions the horribly uncomfortable contestant Q & A that Alex conducts in the middle of each show. The contestants write down some interesting fact or story about themselves that 99% of the time falls flat. Then, Alex makes some incredibly lame joke, adding insult to injury.

Megan and I thought it would be great if each of the contestants wrote down something really depressing, just to see Alex's reaction. I mean, as long as this portion of the show is going to be awkward, they might as well go balls out. It might go something like this:

"Say hello to Joe Smith. Joe, it says here your wife was mauled by a lion?"

"Yes, Alex. We were on a photo safari in Mozambique when our Jeep hit a rock and overturned. Unfortunately, my wife had some beef jerky in her fanny pack, so before we were able to use the tranquilizer gun, the lion had ripped into my wife's abdomen. Being so far from medical help, she died before we got to a doctor."

"Ouch! That's gotta hurt! OK, Mary Johnson from Albany, New York. Mary, you apparently have something that very few people have. What is it?"

"That's right, Alex. I have a an extremely rare glandular problem that only affects about one person in 2.5 million. As a result, I have to undergo extremely painful spinal taps each day for the rest of my life. I suffer from chronic pain that no form of medication has seemed to help."

"Spinal Tap. Great Movie. 'This one goes to eleven!' Cracks me up every time! Our returning champ, Sally Davis. Sally, your card says you have a funny story about anal rape?"

Yeah, I think you get the idea...


Distributorcap said...

can you imagine how much lamer it would be if Drew Carey hosted jeopardy?

and i can only wonder what the tragedies would be if it was Celebrity Jeopardy

Britney, it says here you are a lousy mother and don't use a car seat

great post!

Anonymous said...

I wish Will Ferrel would be the host. Oh how I loved the SNL skits with him as Alex. Gold. Pure gold!

SkylersDad said...

I think the show would be a lot better if they let Alex drink more:

vikkitikkitavi said...

I saw an episode where two contestants answered incorrectly to a question, and the last contestant didn't know, so the time ran out.

Alex said in that hugely condescending way of his "No, I'm sorry, it was Camus," and of course he said "Camus" in that annoying "don't forget I'm French Canadian!" voice.

One of the contestants said back to him "Well of course you know. You have the answers in front of you."

Alex glared and moved on.

It was awesome. I swear it's a true story.

GETkristiLOVE said...

Your version is even better than the SNL version, although SNL's was pretty funny.

Cap'n Ergo "XL+II" Jinglebollocks said...

if we're merely talking about stuff we'd like to SEE, I'd like to see "strip Jeopardy".

Still, good ol' Alex is perhaps THE reason I DON'T watch the show at all. That, and I"m a total flop in the pop culture/history/current events/sports/geography catagories.

Bronwyn said...

Take that back about Alex!!! He's the best host ever and he's smarter than everyone! Take it back!!!!

Clare said...

I always kind of liked Alex. He has a sort of charisma-free urbanity that is more appealing to me than the other Guy Smiley game show hosts. You don't often see someone so awkward and cold talking to people on tv, so it's funny.

Dale said...

I do quite well when they run those teen tournaments. I get more than half the answers right.

Dr Zibbs said...

HA! We do think alike. As for the Daily Double, when it comes on, my son I do these robot motions that go perfect to the daily double bells. In college we used to all scream, "Daily Fuckin' Double"!