I Swear...

I'm gonna lay off the "anti-shopping" crusade for a bit. You get the point. I just want to get something out of my system:

Fuck fucking Wal-Mart. Fuck 'em right in the keester.

I'm done now.

Wedding Showers...

I just want to take a second and share my thoughts on wedding showers. Up until recently I have been living under the (probably misguided) assumption that men were exempt from having to attend such things. The other day I received an invitation to something called a "couple's shower". Living in semi-isolation, I have been blissfully unaware of the rise in popularity of these events. I was always under the impression that women, for the most part, didn't want us at these things. For one, they surely know that we'll be miserable and antsy the entire time, especially in the case of the one I was invited to, which coincides with the second week of football season. I was perfectly willing to forgive the repellant reliance on materialism that showers promote if I was left out of the whole mess. Now that I've been dragged into it, I must voice my objections.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the whole point of a shower is to "shower" the bride and groom with more gifts. If the obligation to buy crap that will one day be in a garage sale didn't exist, then it's just a party to celebrate the impending marriage and I would be down with that (even though I think the wedding itself is enough). Some brides have multiple showers. I understand that its intent is to provide the bride and groom with things for their new home and life together, but in many cases these couples have been living together for a while and already have nice things. It seems out of whack for me to buy a couple a fancy set of ice cream dishes when I'm still eating cereal out of used Cool Whip containers. I'm happy to give them a wedding gift, but as for all this other obligatory gift-giving, I'm putting my foot down. I urge my fellow males (and any females who think showers are lame - there must be a few) to join me in this struggle.

Winning The Lottery...

I did it!!! I won!!! Well, not quite, but I thought you all needed a little mental "goose" after the long weekend. One of my favorite discussions to have with people is the one where you talk about what you would do if you won a million dollars. This may confuse some of my loyal readers based on my past comments I've made about unbridled consumerism. I just think its a revealing way to find out what people really value, besides being an optimistic subject. One thing had my buddy Dave & I baffled - those people who win the lottery and then claim that they'll just keep working at their same jobs. Now, if anyone has evidence that anybody like this has actually kept their word for an extended period of time, I'd love to hear about it. I have a hard time relating to people that would do this. If these people exist, I really feel bad that the twin fangs of capitalism have sucked them so dry that they don't understand how foolish this is. I could see it easier if they had a really kick-ass occupation, like "beer taster" or "blimp pilot", but most of these yahoos have shitty jobs in factories. Some of you might say, "Hey, Chris, you know a million dollars isn't what it used to be." Bullshit. I think if you had a million dollars in one lump sum (after taxes, of course), you'd have to be a complete moron or really irresponsible to not know how to ride out those winnings in comfort until you die. Then again, I live on frozen pizza and happily drive a 14-year-old truck with 235,000 miles, so I could be an anomoly.

Thanks, Cheeseheads...

I have decided that it would be next to impossible to improve upon the flavor of bratwurst.

Apologies to my vegetarian/vegan readers.

My Fellow Workers...

Have a Happy Labor Day!

I'll see you Tuesday.

Documentary Film Of The Day - Winter Soldier...

I just watched this last night and all I can say is holy fucking shit. Apparently "Winter Soldier" was banned when it was released. It is not a movie for the faint of heart. It is the story of brave ex-soldiers coming forward to explain why the Vietnam War was wrong. These are the guys that threw their medals back. I think at the time many of them were dismissed or ignored due to their long hair and beards, but I can't help thinking that what they said was true. Most of it is just Vietnam Vets giving personal testimony to the atrocities they witnessed and/or engaged in while over there. They go into horrific detail when they describe their training as well as how they regarded the Vietnamese. To them, they were subhuman - animals - whose lives had absolutely no value. There is also photographic and filmed material to support their claims. This is a movie that any war supporter should see. They need to watch it and know the sorts of things that warring nations are capable of. If people don't think the same things aren't going on today in Iraq or Afghanistan, I think they're pretty naive. This movie is a must see as far as I'm concerned.

Fox News Roll Call: Shepard Smith

Shepard "Shep" Smith is the host of "Fox Report With Shepard Smith" each weekday at 7:00 P.M. EST. First of all, "Shep" is something you name a sheepdog or a character in a Coen Brothers flick. It is NOT an appropriate name for a newscaster. Is it me or is this guy just a warmed-over Bob Eubanks wannabe?

I Have Arrived...

Yep. I've been tagged. Thanks, Echo. Unfortunately it's about reading or books or some shit.

A Book That Has Changed Your Life:
Journey Of Souls by Michael Newton. Sure, it's new-agey and all you cynics and skeptics can poo-poo it, but it comes the closest to representing my perception of the afterlife, reincarnation, and all that jazz. It was a book that indirectly showed me that it's cool that I don't buy into the whole "church" scene.
A Book That I've Read More Than Once:
Hooper Humperdink...? Not Him! by Theo Le Sieg. My favorite children's book growing up. My mom found an early version like the one I had when I was a kid and gave it to me. It meant a lot.
A Book That Makes You Laugh:
Braindroppings by George Carlin. A lot of Carlin's books are just rehashes of his act. However, there was enough original material in Braindroppings to make it worthwhile. Some parts are so funny I was temporarily paralyzed from laughing so hard.
A Book That Makes You Cry:
Anything written by a right-winger.
Book You Wish You Had Written:
The Bible by God. It'd be a lot different and have WAY more toilet humor in it.
Book You Wish Had Never Been Written:
Same answer as books that make me cry.
Book You Are Currently Reading:
The Power Of Myth by Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. I just started so I can't really comment, other than to say anything involving Bill Moyers has GOT to be good.
Book You've Been Meaning To Read:
Masturbation For Dummies. For some reason, Amazon doesn't have a link for it yet.

Alright, Frank. You're it!

Maybe The Guys From "South Park" Were Right...

It could be that this is some sort of Scientology custom I'm not aware of. Again, I throw this out there for you to decide for yourself, not because I think it's wrong in any way. I wish people felt free to be who they really are.

Are You Ready For Some (Fantasy) Football!...

Since it appears the bulk of my audience is female, I'm guessing it's a resounding "No!", but hey, I could be wrong. This is the second year I'm doing this and last night was my first "live draft". I have a mediocre knowledge of the players, but not enough to be confident. What I learned last season is that a lot of it is plain 'ol dumb luck. Anyway, here is my lineup:

1. Tom Brady - QB, New England
2. LaMont Jordan - RB, Oakland
3. Reggie Bush - RB, New Orleans
4. Chad Johnson - WR, Cincinnati
5. Deion Branch - WR, New England
6. Rod Smith - W/R, Denver
7. Jason Witten - TE, Dallas
8. Adam Vinatieri - K, Indianapolis
9. Carolina Panthers defense

After the draft I found out that Branch is having contract problems with the Pats and that Vinatieri is injured, so I could be screwed.

R.e.s.p.e.c.t...

You guys know my feelings on boobs, but ay chihuahua!

Anti-Consumerism...

As I've probably mentioned, I am not a shopper. I consume very little. I use things until they barely retain the properties of a solid. For instance, so far this year my new clothing purchases have consisted of a 12-pack of white crew socks and a couple 3-packs of boxer shorts. I'm not kidding. The only thing even approaching a chain store in my town is a Dollar General that I've been in once. Petoskey, the town I work in, has a Wal-Mart, a K-Mart, an Office Max, a Home Depot, and an old-fashioned JC Penneys unlike the kind you find at a mall. They are currently constructing a Lowes and a Bed Bath & Beyond.

Recently, the mother of the guy I work with asked if I had seen the new Bed Bath & Beyond going in. I said yes.

"Aren't you excited?" She asked

In her defense, she doesn't really know about my disdain for unnecessary consumption. I tend to keep it to myself.

"Yeah, I'm on the edge of my fucking seat. In fact, I can't wait to bring my new flannel dust ruffle and platinum shower curtain rings up to the register knowing that .00001% of my sale will go to a 12-year-old Malaysian girl. That is the embodiment of satisfaction for me."

People, I beg you. Stop buying shit you don't need!

Republicans: The Party Of Hope And Positivity...

This pretty much says it all.

Another Fucking Movie Alert...

O.K. I have not seen this film, but I've read a lot about it. It's supposed to be very good. Unfortunately, it won't be playing anywhere near me, but I thought I'd give a head's up to those of you that can see it. The film was made by Kirby Dick and Eddie Schmidt, two guys who have made a few documentaries I've really liked, such as Twist Of Faith, Chain Camera, and Sick: The Life & Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist. This Film Is Not Yet Rated is an exposé of the secretive operation of the MPAA, the organization that determines what rating a movie gets. It addresses the discrepancies and inconsistencies between the rating of independent films and mainstream Hollwood fare. The filmmakers actually hired private investigators to find out who exactly sits on this board. Up until this point, the identities of the members had been secret. Considering the trememdous influence these people have over the marketability of films, is it right for there to be no accountability and no established criteria for why a movie is rated the way it is? This film intends to find out. HERE is a list of places the film will be playing.

T-Ball Scouting Report...

Front Row (L to R):
Chris: A talented infielder who comes from money, so his mom can be counted on for kick-ass post-game snacks.
Mitchell: A true student of the game. A head of bright red hair does a good job of distracting opposing batters.
Eric: Packs a big bat. Always claims he is going to "hit a granny" even if no one is on base.
Jon: Not too good. A little TOO happy.
Micky: Terrible. Best bet is to stick him in left field and let him hold his crotch.
Mike: Lacks intesity. Throws like my sister. Best to put him at catcher where his sole job is to put the ball on the tee.
Rusty: One of the few players who can catch the ball dependably. Has a bitchin' Catfish Hunter signature glove.
Back Row: (L to R):
Trey: Useless. Stands at the plate like he's waiting for a bus.
James: As they say in Texas, all hat, no cattle. Knows the rules, just can't execute.
Kenny: The renegade. Wears red just to be different. If you can keep him in line and off the sauce, he can be a big run producer.
Chris: Good fundamentals, but no speed. Runs like he's got a sack of cement in his drawers.
Derrick: His family goes to the Wisconsin Dells for half the fucking season.
Don, the coach: A little too conservative on the basepaths, but knows how to get the best out of his pitching. Unfortunately, that is of little use in T-ball.

The Commercial That Creates The Condition It's Product Is Intended To Cure...

Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.
Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.

Documentary Film Of The Day - Harlan County, U.S.A....

I don't know about you, but I have no memory of ever learning about labor struggles in this country while in school. Most of the time was spent on wars and political matters. In my adult years I've been learning more and more the things that were withheld. For those of you interested in a comprehensive alternative look at American History, I still recommend Howard Zinn's book, A People's History Of The United States, 1492-Present. I've found documentaries to be another good source of a lot of the untold history of our country. Barbara Kopple made two Oscar-winning films about labor struggles. One was American Dream about a meatpacker's strike in Minnesota. The other was Harlan County, U.S.A. It follows the story of coal miners in Harlan County, Kentucky trying to organize while being threatened by agents of the mine owners - scabs and gun thugs. A lot of times people assume documentaries are dry and clinical. This one is not. The camera is right in the middle of a lot of intense situations involving angry, armed individuals. There is also a lot of footage that illustrates what a miner's life is like, both in the mine and out. It is shot the way I prefer, with minimal interaction between the camera and the subject. A fascinating piece of history.

Hook, Line, And Sinker, Suckas!...

Karr won't be charged over JonBenet: TV

I knew this guy didn't do it. I'd like to thank our outstanding media for an utter waste of everyone's time. I would expect Mr. Karr to parlay his notoriety into some sort of "Reality TV" appearance - maybe the next season of "The Surreal Life" or perhaps a new show called "Weird-Ass Dudes Who Confess To Disgusting Crimes And Don't Mind The Fact That Their Shit Is Gonna Get Fucked With In Prison, No Doubt, Even Though They Didn't Do It". Bear in mind this is just a working title.

Emmy Awards 2006 Re-cap...

-Joan Rivers is a nit-wit.
-Rampant cleavage.
-Jaclyn Smith has still got it goin' on!
-Lame speeches.
-More rampant cleavage.
-Steve Carell gets robbed by Antonio from the show "Wings".
-Christopher Hitchens flips off the audience (oops, I was flipping back & forth between a "Real Time With Bill Maher" episode I missed.)

**Edited to add: I'm not gay. I swear. And I refuse to use the overused "Seinfeld" line about homosexuality because, let's face it, at this point it is trite.

A Moment Of Discovery...

Surely you know by now that I'm fascinated by mundane bullshit. This video should help illustrate that.

Public Service Announcement...

About four years ago I was at the Department of Motor Vehicles renewing my driver's license. I had to take the vision test and I noticed it was a little tougher than I remembered it being. Until this point I had never worn glasses and had 20/20 vision so I never had any reason to get my eyes checked. It seemed odd, so I figured I'd go get an eye exam just in case. It turned out that I have a rare form of Glaucoma called "Pigmentary Glaucoma". Unlike regular Glaucoma, which is found mainly in older people, it affects primarily white males in their 20s and 30s. There is no cure once the damage is done. Had I not had it diagnosed when I did, I would most likely be blind today. You see, Glaucoma is known as a "silent killer". It sneaks up on you and before you know it *BAM* you're blind. If you have never worn glasses, I urge you to get an eye exam even if you think you don't need one. It doesn't take long. Luckily, I caught it before too much damage was done. I treat it (keep it from getting worse) by taking eyedrops twice a day for the rest of my life. It's funny, I never would've imagined I'd owe a debt of gratitude to the DMV!

Laughter...

Growing up, I enjoyed playing sports and I did well in school. However, neither of these things was as important to me as knowing I could make people laugh. Knowing I was able to get people laughing to the point where they couldn't breathe was critical. It's still very important to me. I think it's because laughter always wins. Think about it. When you are trying your hardest to suppress laughter, it never works, like in school or in church. Or how about those times when you're really in a bad mood, but someone does something hilarious, you crack up in spite of yourself. At least I do. Not that there aren't times to be serious, but even those times could benefit from a little levity so that we don't get too full of ourselves. The video below is of me losing it watching "Family Guy". For fellow dorks that would know, it's the episode where Meg and Neil Goldman work at the news station and Neil's family is over for dinner. Neil's dad, the voice of the guy from the "Jerky Boys", is describing a disgusting first kiss.

You Know What I Can't Stand?...

People who think George W. Bush is cool.

He ain't.

Best Live Shows Ever...

Frank inspired me to chronicle my favorite live music shows. Since I moved away from Chicago I've really missed having access to great concerts pretty much any week of the year. I definitely preferred the more intimate venues than the stadium shows. A few favorites include:

1. Ween, White Pepper tour, at The Vic in Chicago. Ween does their shows right. No opener and no nonsense. Plus, they play forever and do a good job of mixing up their playlist with older stuff and newer stuff. I think they were on for 3-1/2 hours.
2. Dick Dale - King of surf guitar, at The Cubby Bear in Chicago. You probably know Dick from his famous tune "Miserlou" from "Pulp Fiction". He's another no-nonsense guy. He just walked on stage and went to town. He also stayed after the show and bullshitted with people.
3. Reverend Horton Heat at The Double Door in Chicago. The Double Door is a great mid-sized place to see a show. This was the first time I even listened to the Reverend and they didn't disappoint. After seeing the show I went and bought all their albums.
4. Dirty Dozen Brass Band at Martyr's in Chicago. This place is smaller than the Double Door, so a large New Orleans brass band had no trouble being heard. I actually went to see Squirrel Nut Zippers open, but the Dirty Dozen's performance stole the show.
5. Medeski, Martin, & Wood at The Riviera in Chicago. This one was fun because thanks to a connection, I had VIP seating. It was very different from the other shows I described - more cerebral. Again, a long set without a lame opener.
   

Four Word Review...

Sugar free candy blows.