I Never Had This Toy...

Because my parents didn't love me.

Remember it? The gun had a magnet on the end and you used it to pluck one of the "bullets" from along the bottom edge and then shoot them at the targets.

Hours, I tell you, hours of fucking fun - lost. Lost because I didn't have this toy.

What A Way To Start The Week!...

I feel bad for his family. Now they have to spend more time with this rat-fuck shit-ass.

In the media frenzy to come you will no doubt hear to him referred to as "The Architect". As someone who works in the architecture profession, I consider it a great insult to associate him in any way with this ancient art. Architects design buildings. This guy designed turds. Any asshole can do that.

The Biggest Thing Since Sun-Drying...

Does everything these days have fucking chipotle in it?

I remember back when chipotle first gained mass exposure. It was in a Wendy's chicken sandwich. People were confused by this strange new word. At first they pronounced it chi-POLE-tay rather than chi-POTE-lay. Now you can't go five minutes without being bombarded by some new chipotle-flavored food. I think they make chipotle-flavored Pop-Tarts now.

And Jell-O.

Toothpaste?

How about beer?

Time To Call A Spade A (Really Stupid) Spade...

I know we all spend a lot of time teasing Dubya, calling him dumb, chimp-like, brainless, and so on. We all know it. We're not blind. Republicans know it, too. They're just too embarrassed to admit it most of the time.

My question is, when is the media going to catch up with the rest of us? When is the media going to openly admit this guy is a simpleton? The pile of evidence grows by the day. In fact, anytime he opens his mouth, there's more proof. Yet, straight-news types are still prone to give him undue respect. They feel it's somehow deserved merely by the fact that he's president. I've got news for you, Sally. The guy is dumb. D-U-M-B. He lacks intellect. His brain can't process things that are complex. Before you say, "Oh, he's really a genius because he's made people THINK he's dumb and therefore, just like them. It's all an act."

Bullshit. He dumb.

And what makes him even more dumb is that he thinks he's smart.

It shouldn't be up to The Daily Show to make sure we all witness his myriad gaffes and flubs. The news media should be riding his ass from now until he's gone. Everything he says or does should be televised. Of course, that'd mean having to listen to him a lot more than we already do. Maybe I need to rethink this...

In Case You Missed It...

It's like The Daily Show reads my mind.

The State Quarters...

I think the state quarter thing is a great idea. You know, why the fuck not? It beats the same old boring change we've been using all these years. As a bona fide geek, I have made an effort to collect each one. Megan even gave me a nifty book in which to keep them all. I've managed to find quite a few. A few still haven't been released yet.

One of my favorites so far is:

'Sconnie's.
Cow, corn, and cheese. Having spent time there, there really needs to be a beer bottle on there, too. I see a little room between the cow and the corn.

The lamest so far is:

Kansas.
I suppose a lame state deserves a lame quarter, but come on!
Even North Dakota had the foresight to use two bison rather than one.

Two Kings...

Immortalized on velvet.

How Have I Made It This Long Without Posting About Zamfir?...

Vikki's comment in my last post jogged my memory about Zamfir.

Who among us hasn't luxuriated in the dulcet tones of Zamfir, master of the panflute?

(Or at least can remember the cheesy K-Tel commercials for his albums that used to play ad nauseum during old Brady Bunch reruns?)

Something Weird About Northern Michigan...

One of the high schools up here has its own steel drum band.

And they're pretty good.

Here they are playing outside in December.

I was out on my deck and I thought I heard the Cantina Theme from Star Wars. Sure enough, they were performing in a park a couple blocks from my house, so we went over and caught most of their set.

Steel drum music, like banjo music, is happy music.

New And Improved...

Blogs:
Now 682,387% funnier than anything you'll see on "According To Jim".

A Neat Idea...

Megan takes really pretty pictures and I'm not just saying that because she's my girlfriend. She is really into her Flickr page, much to the neglect of her blog (as you may have noticed). A guy in Grand Rapids had an idea to take pictures representing the Alphabet of Grand Rapids. Megan thought it was cool, so she did her version of Boyne City. Some of the alphabet you'll all recognize, some of it you won't.

I encourage you all to dust off your digital cameras and capture the alphabets or your home towns. You could post them on your blogs. Or, if you like, you can keep writing posts about what a shitcrap Dubya is. I'm not telling you what to do. Megan said she had a lot of fun doing it. I'm thinking about doing the town where I work, but maybe I'll do it with a video camera and put it on Youtube.

An Evil Blog...

The rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

SHIT (11x) FUCKING (7x) FUCK (6x) ZOMBIE (2x) DICK (1x)

These numbers seem low to me. And "zombie"? Is that bad?
Cunt is way worse than zombie and when I search it on my blog, it turns up seven times (Yay me!).

So, yeah, keep your kids away from this dark corner of the interwebs.


If you haven't done this yourselves and want to, go HERE. This came to me via Francis of The Sirmarco Letters via Bubs, etc.

I Know My Posts Have Been Shit Lately, But...

It's so quiet around here I can hear crickets fucking.

Was it the Tancredo post? I swear, things will get better.

A Catholic Cardinal's Day At The Beach...

Or else it's just a really pious dude from New Jersey.

Hard to say...

A Realization...

I read back over some recent posts I wrote and you know what?

I can be pretty fucking sarcastic.

Beware Of Wackos In Flight Suits!...

I'm sure many of you who follow "the politics" like I do heard how Tom "Crazy-Eyes" Tancredo proposed bombing the holy sites of Mecca and Medina as the best way to deter a nuclear terrorist attack on the U.S.

I figured when he was asked about it in yesterday's republican debate that he'd try to deny it or at least parse it in some way so that he didn't look like such a lunatic. No dice. He actually said something (I couldn't find the exact quote) to the effect that any serious presidential candidate should be supporting this option.

Tom, Tom, Tom. Hold up a sec. Don't you think that's, I don't know, a bit soft? I mean, where's the suffering? Just bombing them lets them off a bit easy, don'tcha think? Wouldn't a more symbolic gesture be more appropriate? How about we anally sodomize all those innocent Muslims you want to bomb with large crucifixes, then make them listen to 48 hours of old Falwell sermons, THEN bomb them. That way they'll really see the error of their ways.

See, Tom, that's the Christian thing to do. It's all about hearts and minds...




This is the intellect of a sitting congressman and presidential candidate? Fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Norway, here I fucking come!

The Jeez-meister...

It makes me smile to think about the disciples calling Jesus "Jeez". Like Peter saying, "Jeez, dude, could you pass the hummus?"

Actually, I think they all spoke Aramaic or some shit, so I'm probably being unrealistic. Fuck it, though. I've got free will and an imagination, so I can conjure up what the fuck I please. You know who I have to thank for that?

Baby Jesus.

Film Festival Review...

Aren't you glad that creepy Dubya photo is gone? Me too.

I had a kick-ass time at the Traverse City Film Festival yesterday. I will definitely attend next year and I may look into volunteering at it. As for the movies:

• The first one we saw was "Chicago 10". I liked it a lot. It was a neat combination of archival footage of the 1968 Democratic Convention riots and animated re-enactment of the ensuing trial of Abbie Hoffman, Jerry Rubin, et al, using what I assume were court transcripts. It had great music and was fast-paced. Some of the sound was poor, but not enough to spoil it. If you're interested in this era or dirty hippie protesters in general, check it out.
• Next we saw "In The Shadow Of The Moon" about the Apollo space program. What was neat was that it was all in the words of the Apollo astronauts. There was no other narration. It was great to see this one on the big screen. It had a lot of the archive footage you've probably seen (first moon landing), but a lot of stuff you probably haven't. I'm still convinved the whole thing was faked. Actually, while the credits rolled, a few of them addressed the conspiracy theory. One wondered "Why would we have faked it nine times?" Yeah, sounds exactly like something a faker would say. (Just kidding. I don't think it was fake.)
• Finally, Mike's Surprise was Michael Moore showing some never-before-seen footage from "Sicko". He also took a bunch of questions from the audience. For anyone that hasn't seen "Sicko", check it out. Even if you don't like Michael Moore. It's not as jokey as his other stuff and he's in it a lot less. Anyone who sees it and still believes we have superior health care to, well, any other industrialized nation is fucking ignorant.

Thanks again to Megan for a wonderful day of movies!

I Just Remembered!...

I can run for president now!





Get a load of my kick-ass Photoshop skillz. Actually, I don't have any good photo editing software on this computer. Imagine how much more awesome this post could've been if I did. I could have at least blended it a little and matched the skintones. I guess if you squint a little, it's not half bad.

Consider Me Geeked...

For my birthday, my wonderful girlfriend got us both passes to three movies at the Traverse City Film Festival this Sunday.

Huh? Traverse City? Where the hell is that?

Actually, this event gets bigger and bigger each year. It's put together by local shit-disturber Michael Moore. He lives a few towns over from me.

Those of you who follow this blog know I love movies, especially documentaries. The films we'll be seeing include:

• Chicago 10, Synopsis: Brett Morgen ("The Kid Stays in the Picture") directs this innovative political documentary about the trial following protests of the 1968 Chicago Democratic National Convention. The filmmaker combines archival footage with motion-capture animation to create a dramatic, original retelling of this important moment in American political history. Featuring the voices of Mark Ruffalo, Nick Nolte, Jeffrey Wright, Liev Schreiber, and Hank Azaria. Selected as the Opening Night Film of this year's Sundance Film Festival. Not Rated
• In The Shadow Of The Moon, Synopsis: A huge hit at Sundance (winner of the Audience Award and nominated for Grand Jury Prize), this new doc from David Sington offers an intimate look at the Apollo space program. Sington mixes his own recent interviews with astronauts with breathtaking, never-before-seen archival footage. Both novel and nostalgic, this feel-good doc gives refreshing perspective to the achievements of a country which once believed it could move humanity forward - and did. Rated PG (mild language, brief violent images and incidental smoking). Note: Some of you know that I love anything having to do with the space program, so this one should be a good one.
• Mike's Surprise, Synopsis: What is Mike's Surprise? Festival founder Michael Moore shows up with... a sneak preview of a big Hollywood movie? A buried treasure that the public hasn't seen in years? Some of his home movies? Nobody knows until the last day of the festival, sometimes not even Mike. Whatever it is, only the curious and the brave should attend.
  

Three Random Things That Give Me Chills Every Time...

1. When I hear Martin Luther (the) King's "I Have A Dream" speech. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory. This has to be one of the most beautiful speeches ever, both in content and delivery. I have a CD by this group "Moodswings" that incorporates the speech into one of their tracks. It gets me every time.


2. The part in the Paul Simon song "Obvious Child", when the drums end and Paul stars singing "Oooooo, oo-oo-oo-ooooo. Oo-oo-oo-oooo..." Something about it. It's so pretty.


3. The final scene in "Star Wars: A New Hope", when the music kicks in. Leia is there, looking fly in her princess garb. The three heroes make the long walk in. The feeling of triumph. I love it.

August Second...

Well, it's the 214th day of the year. Only 151 more to go! Lot's of cool shit happened on this day in history:

• 1776 - Delegates to the Continental Congress begin signing the United States Declaration of Independence.
• 1790 - The first US Census is conducted.
• 1931 - Einstein urges all scientists to refuse military work.
• 1937 - The Marihuana Tax Act of 1937 is passed in America, essentially rendering marijuana and all its by-products illegal.
• 1939 - Albert Einstein and Leó Szilárd write a letter to Franklin D. Roosevelt urging him to begin the Manhattan project to develop a nuclear weapon.
• 1964 - Vietnam War: Gulf of Tonkin Incident - North Vietnamese gunboats allegedly fires on U.S. destroyers, USS Maddox and the USS Turner Joy.
• 1990 - Gulf War: Iraq invades Kuwait, eventually leading to conflict with coalition forces.

Born this day:

• 1924 - Carroll O'Connor (Archie Bunker)
• 1932 - Peter O'Toole (Lawrence Of Arabia)
• 1939 - Wes Craven (Filmmaker)
  
• 1953 - Butch Patrick (Eddie Munster)
• 1964 - Mary-Louise Parker (Nancy Botwin of "Weeds")
• 1970 - Kevin Smith (Guy who made "Clerks")
• 1972 - Some Guy

(This post is part of a tag by Teri from a while back that I've been saving until now.)

I Want To Ski Heavenly Now...

I'm sitting here watching Warren Miller's film "Journey". I've posted about Warren Miller films before. One of the segments of the film is with Glen Plake skiing at Heavenly in Lake Tahoe. It looked pretty impressive. I'm not sure what the quality of skiing is there, but the scenery is pretty fucking breathtaking. Has anyone skied there or heard anything about the area?

I love skiing films.

A Lesson In How To Look Tough Without Actually Being Tough...

If you're like me and you're not into punching people, screaming obscenities at close range, or generally displaying your machismo, a good way to establish your toughness is to spit. I often employ this tactic when I visit construction sites in order to assimilate. Nothing looks quite as tough as spitting. The key is to appear nonchalant. Don't make a big production out of it, but at the same time make sure that people notice it. Don't overdo it. If you do it too much, others will mistake it for a health condition and it will defeat the whole purpose. Be sure to practice in front of a mirror to make sure you don't look foolish. You will be amazed at the respect you'll be afforded with a well-executed spit.

I'm A Crybaby...

I'm usually on a pretty even-keel when it comes to my emotions. I don't cry very often. My tear ducts remain dormant, for the most part, with the exception of the times I happen to view certain movies.

However, during the last year I've probably shed more tears than I have in the last ten combined. Many involve airport goodbyes before Megan moved here. Yesterday I was a blubbering, snot-dripping mess. My mom made the excruciating decision to put down our family dog, Bubba. Bubba was our only dog (sorry I don't have a pic) and had been with us for the last 15 years. Like anyone's dog, he was the best - loyal, playful, and unconditionally loving. In his later years he developed arthritis and lost much of his sight and hearing, yet still maintained a vitality that precluded any consideration of euthanasia. Ultimately, though, his quality of life declined to the point where the only humane thing was to end his suffering. It will be tough to think about going back to my mom's and not seeing him and how excited he'd get when we'd come home.

I'll miss you, Bub-meister!