A Big Ol' Scoop...

I've been e-mailing Megan and she mentioned how she has become the "designated detail-sharer" when it comes to our burgeoning romance.

I thought about including this in the interview below, but then I forgot. Since Megan hardly ever posts stuff anymore, I'm gonna steal her thunder. As it turns out, she is going to move into my house in Michigan at the end of the school year.

I sure hope she likes frozen pizza...

Questions For Me!...

I'm finally getting in on the whole five questions thingy. I recently started reading Melinda June's blog. She's got a sharp wit and lives abroad. Be sure to check her out when you get a chance! Now, the questions...

1. You not only live in Michigan, you live in rural, Northern Michigan. Imagine that one day you open a bottle of Mackinac Pale Ale, and out pops a genie who offers to bring three urban amenities to your locale. What would they be?

The first would be a live music venue that showcased artists I like. That is one of the biggest things I miss about Chicago. There was always good music being played somewhere. Second (and I'm not sure this qualifies as an "urban amenity", but we don't have 'em here) would be a decent Italian Beef stand. Third would be an international airport.

2. You receive a message from the state department, and you are required to take George W. Bush fishing on his next visit to your fair state. You are not allowed to talk politics, but if you fish in total silence or refuse this task, you're off to Guantanamo as the latest success in the war on terror. What do you talk about? Or are you off for a waterboarding holiday?

Great fucking question! I'm a bit torn. Although I think Gitmo would be an interesting experience, I bet the food is really bad and they probably don't get to watch TV. I would probably talk to Dubya about religion and how he is doing all the things Jesus told him not to do. I also hear he's a big Baroque Architecture fan, so there's that. I'd probably want to probe his deepest feelings; his fears, issues with his mother, etc.

3. The blogging world is fascinated by your romance with Megan. What are the best things about her?

We've kind of made a conscious effort to keep our relationship discussion to a minimum, so as not to gross everyone out with our sappy cuteness. The best things about her? There are so many things that come to mind. She is very kind and caring. She is intelligent, which comes in handy when there is a crossword puzzle to be done. She read my blog and STILL consented to meeting me, which tells me she has a good sense of humor and has a sense of adventure. She's also beautiful and makes killer crab cakes. I am extremely lucky.

4. Women are often asked to compare themselves to popular sitcom characters....we are Marys or Rhodas, Mary Annes or Gingers, Charlotte/Carrie/Miranda or Samantha. What is the equivalent for men? And which are you?

I'm not sure what our equivalent would be. Most of the conversations I have with men involve sports and farting. We're not as deep as y'all think. If you ever watched the show "Undeclared" (awesome show), I was basically the Steven character - the nice dork who was terrible with women, but was still fun and had a sick sense of humor.

5. What is the best documentary you've ever seen? The worst? Compare them.

This is tough. There are so many good documentaries. The one that really changed my outlook on not just docs, but film in general was "Grey Gardens". I was fascinated by such an intimate look at two very odd, eccentric women. Most people would probably consider it boring. It was hard to think of a worst. There was one I saw called "The Journey" that I didn't really care for. It was this guy driving around the country, interviewing people (some famous) and asking them about life. It was pretty hokey and new-agey. It wasn't awful, just not my bag. On the one hand, "Grey Gardens" was groundbreaking and insightful. "The Journey", on the other, was formulaic and somewhat contrived.

Thanks, Melinda June! That was fun!

Want me to interview you?
• Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me!” If your e-mail address isn’t on your blog, e-mail me.
• I’ll send you five questions.
• You’ll answer all five questions on your blog.
• Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

Just My Opinion...

I really don't think Kari Michaelson's character, Katie, added very much to the "Gimme A Break" ensemble.

Sure, you could argue that she provided sex appeal, but with the likes of Nell Carter AND Dolph Sweet already on board, was she really necessary?

Quick Question...

I know I've got a lot of music buffs who read this blog. Maybe one of you knows...

Are there any song lyrics that you know of where "malaise" is rhymed with "mayonnaise"?

If not, how come?

Landlords...

Last night I got into a conversation with a friend of mine about bad landlords we've had. My last landlord was a nightmare. Despite my requests, she took a year and a half to repair a leaky roof - a leak that I had nothing to do with. It finally got to the point that when it rained, it didn't just drip like a leaky faucet. No, there was a continuous stream of water that would soak my kitchen floor. There were all sorts of problems with the place, but I learned early on that trying to get her to fix something was futile. She tried to stick me with a, get this, $1700 cleaning bill after I moved out. I ignored it and she never followed up.

I thought I had it bad, but my friend's took the prize. He lived for a year in Jersey City in an apartment that, according to him, should've been condemned. He had roaches, mice, and a huge snake that lived beneath his floor. One day, his landlord knocked and asked to use his bathroom. He let him in and went back to whatever he'd been doing. When he went to use the bathroom, he found his toilet and the area surrounding it drenched with piss. The guy hadn't even made an effort to get it in the bowl. The next time he tried this, my friend wouldn't let him in, despite the landlord telling him he had to and that, after all, he was the landlord.

A later encounter involved his landlord instructing him that the water bill was too high and that it was his fault. Nevermind the fact that he lived alone and beneath him was a family of ten in the same size apartment as his. Hmm, I wonder who was using all the water!

The landlord took him outside and showed him a water main valve on the outside of the house. He told him that he was supposed to shut off the water each day when he left for work. My friend told him to go fuck himself and that he wasn't going to shut off everyone in the building's water. The landlord proceeded to shut the water off himself. My friend told him he'd just wait until he got in his car and turn it right back on. The landlord warned him at this point not to, and things were getting heated. The landlord got in his car and my friend turned the valve back on, screaming in a George Constanza voice, "I TURNED IT BACK ON!" as the guy drove away.

We decided the best landlords are the ones that fix broken shit promptly, leave you the hell alone, and don't pee all over your bathroom.

Uh Oh...

I don't know about y'all, but after watching the news the last few days and hearing more and more attacks on this administration, I'm getting nervous.

To me, there is nothing quite as frightening as a Bush White House with its back up against the wall. Who knows WHAT these madmen are gonna cook up to get us all back to the mindset immediately following 9-11 when most people would surrender their liberties (and skepticism) for a sense of security.

The First Ever Some Guy's Blog Presidential Poll...

I need a break from those stupid comics and I've been meaning to do this for a while.

I never get to participate in polls. I never get called. No one ever stops me on the street. It amazes me, because with the abundance of polls out there, you'd think I would have been asked for my opinion on something by now.

Instead, I'm going to have my own poll - n'yah n'yah!

Who is your choice for the next president of the U.S.A.?
	Joe Biden
	Hillary Clinton
	Christopher Dodd
	John Edwards
	Mike Gravel
	Dennis Kucinich
	Barack Obama
	Bill Richardson
	Sam Brownback
	John Cox
	Jim Gilmore
	Rudy Giuliani
	Mike Huckabee
	Duncan Hunter
	John McCain
	Ron Paul
	Mitt Romney
	Tom Tancredo
	Tommy Thompson
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Now, I know I've only supplied current democratic or republican candidates, so if you are planning on voting for someone else (like one of Grant Miller's "Unelectables"), leave it in the comments. You can do it anonymously to preserve the idea of a secret ballot if necessary.

I know this is really premature. Like me, you probably don't reconize a bunch of these names. I'm just curious what people are thinking at this early stage.

Thanks for your participation and, as an added bonus, my Canadian readers are welcome to vote, too!

For Bubs...

What is wrong with me?

For Randy...

For those of you new to this blog, I assure you this is just a phase. If you want to read some of my non-comic strip related posts, go back a week or two.

For Vikki...

Glossary
Swedish Meatballs=Gonads

Somebody Stop Me!...

It's best to just let me get it out of my system.

For My Own Amusement...

Finally, Sarge sounds like an actual sargeant.

Reader Mail...

Dear Some Guy,

Enough with the fucking comics already. Shit!

Sincerely,
XXXXXX

************************************

Dear XXXXXX,

I know. I have a fucking problem, alright? Shit.

Sincerely,
Some Guy

Bizarro Family Circus...

Comic Dissection: Fred Bassett...

Fred Bassett is like a humor black hole. Its anti-humor is so powerful, in fact, that any comic strip adjacent to it on the funnies page becomes less funny as a result of its close proximity.

I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. As you can see, In the first two panels, someone's voice is alerting Fred that it's time for dinner. The final frame has Fred bounding towards the voice. We learn that hearing that it's dinnertime is "Music to his ears". My question for the author is:

So fucking what!?

Is that funny? Hell, is that even mildly interesting? I'd argue that it's not. I mean, if the final frame went something like this...

...it's still not especially funny, but at least it's on the right track.

An Open Letter To Bill Moyers...

Dear Bill,

I've admired you and your brand of journalism for years. It was a sad day when you left your PBS show, "Now", and it was reduced to a half-hour. However, if that freed up time to devote to shows like the one I watched last night called "Buying The War", then I think you made the right decision.

Bill, I grew up without a grandfather. Both of mine died before I was born. I know this is a lot to ask and that you don't know me from Adam, but would you, perhaps, consent to being my adopted grandfather? Think it over...

Sincerely,
Some Guy

Hey Now!...

This week I've been getting "Not Just The Best Of The Larry Sanders Show" DVDs from Netflix. I'm like a pig in shit. I watched this show for a time when I was getting free HBO, but there are big gaps when it comes to episodes I've seen. It's pretty fucking funny and further proof that HBO is unequaled when it comes to quality episodic TV.

Comic Dissection: Hi & Lois...

Hi & Lois probably holds the title for the comic strip most likely to be reprinted in a church bulletin. This is not because it is especially religious, but because it's so damn saccharine that clergy people know that not even the most strident church-lady would ever be offended by it. Thanks to a little digging, though, I think I found one that might come close.

In the first frame we find mom Lois (looking fucking FLY in that tight shirt) and dad Hi (looking like a sack of flour) reminiscing about son Chip and his stubbornness when it came to bath time when he was young. In the next frame, Lois, looking dejected, informs Hi that Chip has done a complete 180 and is now into taking lengthy, record-breaking showers. You can tell by the look on Hi's face that he knows the score. He was a teenage boy himself once. He remembers when he started noticing hair growing where, before, there was none. He remembers the cracking voice and waking up in a puddle of his own ejaculate. You see, if Lois would just turn around and look, she'd understand why Chip's showers have gotten longer. Shit, just look at the smile on his face. Check out the excessive suds around his crotch. You'd have to be blind not to see what's going on! Wake up, Lois, for god's sake! Your son's jerkin' it!

Bonus fact: Did you know that Chip went on to join the army and eventually changed his name to Beetle Bailey? True story.

What's Grosser Than Gross?...

Um, THIS.

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Attention: To All Cashiers, Clerks, Or Anyone With Whom I Exchange Money For Goods...

For the love of Mike, please stop giving me receipts. I doubt a paper record of the pack of gum I bought today will really be necessary come tax time.

The Great Brain...

In fifth grade, I had a kick-ass teacher. We'll call him Mr. S. He was the only male teacher I had had to that point. He was cool. He had played minor league ball and would be all-time pitcher for us during recess baseball games. He kind of reminded me of Sam Malone of "Cheers", but without the alcoholic past. At the end of the day, he would read to us from The Great Brain books. Even though I wasn't into books at the time, I thought these were awesome. It'd be neat to go back and read some and see if I still enjoy them.

What books did you like as a kid?

Comic Dissection: Broom Hilda...

Broom Hilda is the spiritual leader of the modern Wiccan movement. Through her tireless efforts, it is now one of the fastest growing religions today. In light of her accomplishments, I've decided to spend some time studying one of her strips.

In the first panel we are made aware of a medical report. This usually signals that there is serious news awaiting us. Turns out, Irwin, a sort of "Captain Caveman"-like creature, but without the club, has been diagnosed as being bipolar. The natural reaction by most people would be shock and concern. Bipolar disorder is characterized by dramatic moodswings, from extremely happy to extremely angry or depressed. You can see from the look in Broom Hilda's eyes, she's at a loss. Just as we are about to start fearing the worst for poor Irwin, Gaylord informs us that his bipolarity only ranges between happy and happier. Now, I would contend that this is not what most people would consider bipolar disorder. However, I am not a clinical psychologist and will defer to those more qualified than I. If it turns out that I was right, I will expect a thorough apology from the people at Broom Hilda for making me worry needlessly.

Screwball...

The "Screwball" Daffy Duck is how I prefer to remember him.

Speaking For Myself...

I'm amazed at this point to listen to pundits who are surprised by the level of vitriol directed at George W. Bush. They seem aghast that anyone could have such strong negative feelings for the president. The most common dismissal is something to the effect that we're all just a bunch of haters. That's all it is - unjustified hate. It ususally includes mention of the fact that we actively root against the United States and hope for its failure in all areas. Let me state for the record:

I don't hate George W. Bush.

Shocked? I thought so.

Don't get me wrong. I think that, when presented with important decisions, he has invariably chosen the wrong one at every juncture. I think his decisions have caused tremendous suffering for a great many people. It is well documented that his cowboy schtick and smirk get on my last nerve.

But I don't hate him.

I'm more embarrassed by him. Anyone who doesn't think he's in WAY over his head and has neither the cognitive capacity nor the intellectual curiosity for the job must be watching different footage. The evidence is overwhelming. Either that or they are so blinded by ideology that they refuse to admit it. While I'm embarrassed by him, I am equally embarrassed for all of us. After all, we are the ones that, at the end of the day, have tacitly allowed him to occupy the position for two terms.

I respect people's right to hate him and I am sympathetic to that point of view. However, hatred (or strong dislike) for the president does NOT equal hatred of the country. Anyone who makes this claim should be ashamed, for equating the two is about as anti-american as you can get.

Crap, now I have to come up with another funny post before I leave...

Scat Muncher...

The following may be extremely offensive to some, so don't play it at work or in front of kids. If you're like me and don't mind a little profanity, you might just like the theory put forward by Mr. Hicks regarding Rush Limbaugh. My advice is to ignore the video and just listen to the audio. I renew my plea that each of you, if you haven't already, listen to Bill Hicks (if you e-mail me, I can burn you a copy of some of his stuff). Remember, this was done back during the first Bush!